FDA to be culled due to Sch1 marijuana?

For immediate release: Presidential candidate Clinton to fire FDA head "first day on the job".

Ms Clinton has suggested that the days of big pharma/big alcohol and private prison profiteers controlling the half-century long war on marijuana (and perhaps other medicinal plants like kratom) are finally over.

Donald Rumsfeld endorses Hillary!

In case you didn't get it. This is SATIRE.

Donald Rumsfeld endorsed Hillary Clinton earlier today, saying “I believe Secretary Clinton is the steady hand we need in the various wars we are fighting”. This was greeted by the DNC as yet another sign that moderate, mainstream, responsible Republicans are deserting their toxic nominee.

Rumsfeld, who served as defense secretary under George W. Bush, is remembered for his commitment to sharing enduring freedoms with unfortunate countries requiring an assist to vault into the age of democracy. “I believe Hillary Clinton understands American exceptionalism and how much the world needs us” Rumsfeld is quoted as saying.

Though an unlikely endorsement, this is not the first time Hillary Clinton and Donald Rumsfeld have found themselves on the same side of a political issue. In 2002, Hillary Clinton crossed the aisle in a courageous vote to deliver the benefits of liberty to the people of Iraq, via the agency of the US armed forces. Donald Rumsfeld was the defense minister at the time. This is a “known known”.

Spokespersons for the Clinton campaign and Mr. Rumsfeld said the two had developed mutual respect and a close rapport over the years. “They both call Chicago home and share a certain mid-western simplicity. Also a common work ethic. They work very hard. Mr. Rumsfeld has a standing desk.” said the Clinton spokesperson. “This is what you might call an unknown unknown”, a spokesperson replied when asked why Mr. Rumsfled had switched his support.

With Mr. Rumsfeld’s endorsement, the Clinton campaign has been reluctantly endorsed by dozens of senior Republicans. Staffers speculated as to whether former vice-president Dick Cheney would join them. “If Cheney were to come on board, that would soften up a lot of formerly unreachable Republicans. We will always have our differences with them, but on some things, such as keeping America safe, we can agree that Secretary Clinton will be the better choice” a senior DNC official who requested anonymity said.

The biggest possible prize remains elusive, the Clinton campaign continues to pursue the highly coveted Kissinger endorsement. The pursuit continues despite recent revelations that the Carter administration was incensed at Mr. Kissinger’s 1978 trip to Argentina. On that occasion, Mr. Kissing publicly praised the military junta responsible for thousands of “disappearances”.

Troll Diary Outline and Format (DO NOT DISTRIBUTE)

Opening Statement: Use appeals to decency, and state something along the lines of knowing that your opinion is unpopular but all you're asking for is somebody to listen. Liberals eat that shit up.

Statement of Support for Liberal Position: If you're going for the shame angle, this is a very good point to obviously insert the minority status of your sock puppet. Bonus points for multiples, but don't go overboard, otherwise it becomes far too obvious.