Solving the Veteran Problem

Date: 4/29/2009

Reference Id: Classified

To: Classified

From: Classified

Contact Telephone Number: 202-555-7583 Email Address: bubbasaxmachine@clintonemail.com Fax: 202-555-8736

Subject: Regarding the Veteran Problem

Date: 4/29/2009

As you are no doubt aware, the problem of veterans in this country has reached the point at which we can no longer effectively deal with the number coming back who are unwilling to provide the necessary service expected of veterans. Veterans play a key role in maintaining our supply of manpower, as they provide examples of the positive effects of service. Unfortunately, the nature of the current wars has resulted in soldiers returning in a state where they do not succeed as in the past, and as a result, military service is seen as a net loss to the individual.

Because of this, we need to make absolutely certain that the veterans who are no longer living up to the standards we expect should be encouraged to no longer be a burden on our society. However they choose to do this is none of the government's business. The government can provide options of course, and I highly recommend the following course of action be implemented at once.

Firstly, Veterans tend to vote in their own interest. This seems to be a fairly simple thing, and normally would be celebrated. However, these are not celebratory times. Because of this fact, Veterans are actively voting for peace. In essence, veterans have become anti-war advocates. This of course, cannot be tolerated, so the first step in solving the veteran problem is removing their vote.

This can and should be achieved in several ways.

1) Many anti-war veterans are mentally disabled due to their experiences in the war. We already rightly ban felons from voting, so why do we extend the franchise to those who are not rational? Removing the vote from these veterans should be the first and simplest priority. Anyone who applies for a mental disability should be immediately placed in the database with the help of the VA. This would make a great starting point, as well as provide a trial run for when we apply the policy to other problematic groups.

2) Continued reminders to the Voters that Veterans are dangerous. This will result in the needed shunning. One of the things that it has been determined is most effective in making change is Veterans involvement in their communities. Reminders that any single Veteran could snap at any time will have the basic effect, but for long term strategy, we need to make certain that as many as possible meet that goal, therefore we will instill incentives for the veterans to look as terrible as possible. Any Veteran who looks "Too Good" we need to call out as liar, with heavy emphasis on how awful people are who "Faked" their military service.

3) Criminalizing as many normal activities as possible. While the War on Drugs has always been a great method for reducing the vote among the unwanted Veterans, we need to go further. What makes Veterans dangerous is not their vote, but what they can do when denied the vote. Therefore, instead of directly attacking the vote, we should criminalize those activates which an unhinged veteran might resort to. Weapons charges should be an easy priority, as well as unobserved financial transactions of any kind. The harder we push, the more that will slip up, resulting in fewer Veterans with the vote.

Secondly, Veterans are a financial burden on us. Veterans and their myriad problems are a constant issue, but these days every veteran on our dime is on there for way too long. Modern medicine has ensured that we are on the hook for way too long. Therefore, we need to find ways to eliminate that cost. This can also be done in several ways.

1) The good news is that time is on our side. Already the process for applying for benefits is long, convoluted and annoying. If possible, we need to extend that time. In addition, we can point to the process as a discouragement to exiting veterans even applying. The longer we can make them wait, the more veterans will simply give up.

2) Privatize. A veteran can take up a lot of medical care. As we know, the private industry can always do it better and cheaper, so let's put those guys with private insurers. This has the advantage of a nice giveaway to our donors, as well as add in another layer of bureaucracy to the entire process, ensuring that more will simply give up.

3) Demoralize. Whenever possible, we should have people remind them that they could be an instant success if they just buckled down and acted like everybody else. If possible, completely Ignore the war, and if it's brought up, mention how many other veterans are doing just fine. If done properly, many will just give up.

Finally, Veterans are a danger to business as usual. We need to ensure that those who do not fall into line do not get in the way. The following are necessary actions which we should take.

1) Nothing. When Veterans give up, we should do nothing to help. This has no cost, no culpability and the advantage of being mostly private. Those that give up publicly should be seen as "Bums" or "Crazy Veterans" or "Regrettable Veteran Suicide" in the preferred case.

2) Active "Encouragement". Veterans depend on regularity and schedule. One or two years on a flexible schedule doing busy work after being encouraged to seek employment, and many will simply degenerate where we have to do nothing. Whenever possible we need to emphasize that if you aren't constantly working, you are lazy. This ties very well into what they were taught in the military. Combined with no meaningful work to do, and many will again solve the problem for us.

3) Veteran Rehabilitation. If over the long term, the previous actions fail to address the problem sufficiently, it may be time to encourage veterans to become rehabilitated. By partnering with private industry, we would be able to provide barracks style housing, uniforms, and monitoring of the problem individuals. As we know, proper thought and work are the keys to their rehabilitation, so failure to do either would simply ensure that the veteran in question would need to remain in rehabilitation until the debt they run up is paid. In addition, they would provide a valued service to the community, ensuring that the citizens benefit from the labor of the rehabilitated Veterans.

If you have any questions, direct them to my staff who will provide further guidance.

Classified

/snark

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Comments

mhagle's picture

Great snark. Serious thought blog. Thanks.

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Marilyn

"Make dirt, not war." eyo

detroitmechworks's picture

@mhagle And I'm glad to do any writing these days...

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

travelerxxx's picture

While I realize the memo is snark, I have no doubt something quite similar has already been written. Probably generated by some propaganda mill think tank of learned experts...

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detroitmechworks's picture

@travelerxxx It was probably rejected with a note to "Work on it a bit..."

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.