News Item:

NPR takes a break!

In an unprecedented change to its usual programing, National Public Radio interrupted its continual fund raising drive to actually broadcast three news stories in a row. By covering the earthquakes in South America and Japan, and discussing Brazil's political uprising, NPR shocked listeners who have become brainwashed into listening to pleas for donations, mixed with pathetic offers of T-Shirts, Tote bags, Coffee Mugs, and remixed CDs of terribly banal music.

Several long time listeners became so concerned with the surprising change, that they called their local stations to insure that everyone was still alive and well. Said one caller, "This was out of the blue. Like that that scene in Phenomena where whats his face got hit by an alien beam of light. I mean, like, wow!. I haven't heard anything like it. I feel smarter already! Image. Real news on NPR!"

Not all listeners were pleased. Another caller said she already missed the old programming. "It was so calm, soothing, consistent, like the waves gently pounding upon the nearby shore. 'Donate, Donate, Donate!' It was so predictable and constant, that I used it to lower my blood pressure and deal with my migraines without meds. I don't know about this new-fangled "News" stuff. It is so . . . odd. Unexpected. I just want my old NPR back."

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Rick Snyder to drink Flynt water for a month

Michigan's Teabuggered governor, Rick Snyder, stated that he would prove that that Flynt's water supply issues had been fixed. He planned to drink only Flynt water for a straight month.

In unrelated news, NASA announced the latest test of their manned Mars mission water filtration system, that would take human waste, break it down into fuel and potable water, using only the power of solar power panels which will power a quarduple reverse osmosis filter and purifier. The equipment was installed in the state government building in Lansing Michigan at the end of last week.

In more unrelated news, Gov. Snyder was rushed to the Lansing General Hospital Emergency Room for unspecified reasons. Government officials deny that NASA's equipment had failed, although a team of engineers was seen rushing the Lansing State Government buiilding carrying tons of equipment.

- - - -
Texas Nationalist Movement

Putting their arms and voices where their brains sit, the Neanderthal members of the Texas Nationalist Movement began their petition drive to have Texas secede from the United States of America. Over 143 petitions were signed in just the first two days of this latest drive, which included the 140 members of TNM.

When TNM made their plan to secede public, they did manage to draw large crowds, just not the kind that they had hoped for. Tens of thousands of citizens from the states surrounding Texas joined hands and began chanting, "GO! GO! GO! GO!"

Members of the TNM could not be found to respond to the crowds chanting their approval of secession.

- - - -

UNITED HEALTH

Rated one of the worst insurance companies in the country, by the AMA, American Trial Lawyers Association, and the Better Business Bureau, UH had joined in several dozen ObamaCare medical exchanges in 1/2 of the country's 50 states. As a result, UH lost over $500,000,000 in 2015, causing them to rethink their ACA line of business.

Said the company spokesman, Ian Cheape, "This was a real eye opener for us. Who would have thought that by joining the ACA, we would actually have to pay medical claims? We've never experienced that in our history ever before. The shock was huge. I mean really. An insurance company paying claims? Ridiculous."

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Martha Pearce-Smith's picture

How about his KIDS drinking the water....?
Beee

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Bisbonian's picture

He's not THEIR fault. But your point is made...it's much too late for it to show any effect on him.

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"I’m a human being, first and foremost, and as such I’m for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole.” —Malcolm X

Martha Pearce-Smith's picture

IF he declined, then his offer would be suspect.

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thanatokephaloides's picture

..... how the F would we be able to tell? He is a Republican, please remember!

Smile

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"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar

"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides

criminal bastard be brought up on charges.

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WindDancer13's picture

that it took years for him to "forgive" me. My sin? I told him that I was on the committee to give Texas back to Mexico. Some people have no sense of humor. = )

Now, where is that petition?

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

Oldest Son Of A Sailor's picture

I launched into the whole we're better of without you bit...
Closing with the, "Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you."

If I was CIC and they ever had a serious proposal land in front of their legislators, I'd announce the closings of all Army and Air Force Bases in Texas with the unit relocating to other bases , and NASA moving out of Houston...

We certainly cannot have these important assets end up in a foreign country...
Sometimes it's time to call them on their BS...

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"Do you realize the responsibility I carry?
I'm the only person standing between Richard Nixon and the White House."

~John F. Kennedy~
Economic: -9.13, Social: -7.28,
WindDancer13's picture

beautiful wall around them. = )

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

Raggedy Ann's picture

Texas' cessation, I would offend many here who I care for. So, although Raggedy Andy's dysfunctional family lives in TX and I would love to never go there again (except I really do love Austin and San Antonio), I won't start the parade.

I'm happy Rick Snider is drinking Flint water. I just hope it is still contaminated, but I don't think we'll see a difference in his behavior even if he is infected with lead disease.

Insurance companies suck. Medicare for all.

I'm melancholy today.

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"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11

PastorAgnostic's picture

Movement of a newborn, you wouldn't even bother to change the diaper.

Come to think of it, the images of the members sure seemed like they Rely on Depends. Or should.

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Damnit Janet's picture

Truly, that made me laugh hard out loud!

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"Love One Another" ~ George Harrison

shaharazade's picture

to me it is infuriating. Even the pseudo BBC accents of the so called news broadcasters and their guests is irritating. I turn it on sometimes while I'm cooking dinner because KBOO my local community radio at about 7:00 pm starts playing electronica and godawful room clearing Cecil Taylor style music.

'Let's do the Numbers' market place was what I heard last night. AOL is going to eat Yahoo and it's a great virtual reality investment opportunity. I'm mad at Yahoo because they will not let me get an account unless I give them my cell phone number and I don't have a cell. Serves them right to get eaten by the even nastier AOL. I have to say that NPR it gets me all fired up and I find is almost better then classic rock to cook to.

Sunday I turned on the radio to wash my windows and NPR was playing a rerun of The Prairie Home Companion. Took me back to the days I used to listen to NPR while I did art work as it was soothing. Loved Car Talk even though I don't like cars that much.

The switch to being a bunch of Nice Polite Republican, neocon, free market greed heads came in the 90's when Slick Willie was pres. and we were all supposed have our boats lifted on the rising tide of the global oligarchical collectivist's. Then the bastard's started feeling my NAFTA derived pain and telling me that Clinton's fly overs in Irag weren't doing enough to liberate the Iraqi people. jeeze.

I was a member back then. I called Oregon Public Broadcasting so many times to yell at them that the guy who answered the phone knew my name and we had some nice chat's about how fucked up the station was. I should thank NPR as they were part of what drove me to learn how to run a computer.

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Haikukitty's picture

But its has slid further and further into corporate pockets over the years and now its unlistenable. I find myself yelling at the radio.

I still listen on weekends to the shows, though, like This American Life, Car Talk reruns, and Wait, Wait... but news? Nope.
I had been gritting my teeth and listening, but this election did it in, like other places in my life I won't mention.

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Alison Wunderland's picture

SWPUWM would have it on all day, but as background noise. She never listened, so if I asked her about something or other it was, "Don't know. Wasn't listening that closely." Dafuk? The local classical station is boring in their playlists but tolerable in that they keep the talking to a minimum.

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Haikukitty's picture

I have found myself screaming at Diane Reem, Cokie Freaking Roberts, and the entire All Things Considered staff. Its not really healthy, so I've switched to playing music on my phone. But my car is so old it requires this whole setup - plugin cord that plays the music through a radio frequency... its not great but at least it doesn't make me want to hit someone. Smile

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thanatokephaloides's picture

Often, I wonder just how cokie Cokie is.

Cocaine can do weird shit to your brain.......

Dash 1

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"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar

"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides

PastorAgnostic's picture

Or are they recycling her poor commentary and stunning lack of insights from 30 years ago?

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You can get a free "cell phone" number from voice.google.com. It can forward to a phone and take voicemail and email it to you. You can also get texts and have them e-mailed to you. It's getting hard to function without a cell phone but this facility lets you get around that problem. My son's swim team sent out all of their notices as texts; I've got one but I only turn it on when I travel (which I do too infrequently ;-()

You might also consider doing internet radio to fill in holes in the local radio coverage. I got one because our local NPR stations inflicts nothing but Gospel music on Sunday mornings; you could probably do it straight out of the computer as well.

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PastorAgnostic's picture

I agree about prairie, and Car Talk. And how the station (even in Chicago) turned GOP LITE during the Baby Bush years.

last week, I was scrolling stations on a long drive, and found NPR, during a pledge drive. The week before, same thing. Grrrr.

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Alison Wunderland's picture

And just about all the good stuff, as slim as that category is, is re-runs they've had in the can for years. Can't bear to listen to it anymore. I started noticing the bias when Raygun cut funding for the PBS. It started with short "non-commercials" by the corporate giants. It's been on a straight downhill slide ever since.

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Bollox Ref's picture

After the revolting 'sale' of the Iraqi war.

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Gëzuar!!
from a reasonably stable genius.

PastorAgnostic's picture

Yet they kept on Kookie Roberts for years afterwards.

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Damnit Janet's picture

When they ran a rebuttal of a fucking obituary piece.

They shat all over Howard Zinn by allowing a rebuttal of his obit.

Fuck NPR.

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"Love One Another" ~ George Harrison