NPR takes a break!

In an unprecedented change to its usual programing, National Public Radio interrupted its continual fund raising drive to actually broadcast three news stories in a row. By covering the earthquakes in South America and Japan, and discussing Brazil's political uprising, NPR shocked listeners who have become brainwashed into listening to pleas for donations, mixed with pathetic offers of T-Shirts, Tote bags, Coffee Mugs, and remixed CDs of terribly banal music.

Several long time listeners became so concerned with the surprising change, that they called their local stations to insure that everyone was still alive and well. Said one caller, "This was out of the blue. Like that that scene in Phenomena where whats his face got hit by an alien beam of light. I mean, like, wow!. I haven't heard anything like it. I feel smarter already! Image. Real news on NPR!"

Not all listeners were pleased. Another caller said she already missed the old programming. "It was so calm, soothing, consistent, like the waves gently pounding upon the nearby shore. 'Donate, Donate, Donate!' It was so predictable and constant, that I used it to lower my blood pressure and deal with my migraines without meds. I don't know about this new-fangled "News" stuff. It is so . . . odd. Unexpected. I just want my old NPR back."

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Rick Snyder to drink Flynt water for a month

Michigan's Teabuggered governor, Rick Snyder, stated that he would prove that that Flynt's water supply issues had been fixed. He planned to drink only Flynt water for a straight month.

In unrelated news, NASA announced the latest test of their manned Mars mission water filtration system, that would take human waste, break it down into fuel and potable water, using only the power of solar power panels which will power a quarduple reverse osmosis filter and purifier. The equipment was installed in the state government building in Lansing Michigan at the end of last week.

In more unrelated news, Gov. Snyder was rushed to the Lansing General Hospital Emergency Room for unspecified reasons. Government officials deny that NASA's equipment had failed, although a team of engineers was seen rushing the Lansing State Government buiilding carrying tons of equipment.

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Texas Nationalist Movement

Putting their arms and voices where their brains sit, the Neanderthal members of the Texas Nationalist Movement began their petition drive to have Texas secede from the United States of America. Over 143 petitions were signed in just the first two days of this latest drive, which included the 140 members of TNM.

When TNM made their plan to secede public, they did manage to draw large crowds, just not the kind that they had hoped for. Tens of thousands of citizens from the states surrounding Texas joined hands and began chanting, "GO! GO! GO! GO!"

Members of the TNM could not be found to respond to the crowds chanting their approval of secession.

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UNITED HEALTH

Rated one of the worst insurance companies in the country, by the AMA, American Trial Lawyers Association, and the Better Business Bureau, UH had joined in several dozen ObamaCare medical exchanges in 1/2 of the country's 50 states. As a result, UH lost over $500,000,000 in 2015, causing them to rethink their ACA line of business.

Said the company spokesman, Ian Cheape, "This was a real eye opener for us. Who would have thought that by joining the ACA, we would actually have to pay medical claims? We've never experienced that in our history ever before. The shock was huge. I mean really. An insurance company paying claims? Ridiculous."