Crap. Festivus. Again.

Posted by JtC in memory of ek hornbeck.

Ho, ho, ho. Time for my annual ek'smas visit where I find out who's been naughty or nice.

Sometime around December 23rd, but canonically any time between December and May, we celebrate Festivus.

Symbolically represented by the Festivus Pole, an aluminum tube between 3' to 6' high stuck in some drab and out of the way corner.  It can be used as a weapon and frequently is.  Traditionally it is stark and entirely unadorned and the stand crudely fashioned.  Under no circumstances should any 'presents' be placed near it unless they're of the sort a too long ignored pet would leave.

There are several rituals that accompany the celebration of Festivus.

I think I'll spare you the feats of strength, though if you think I'm dead you can poke me with a stick and see.

Festivus Dinner

A Festivus Dinner menu is typical of any other holiday, Turkey, Ham, Roast Beef, Lamb, with the customary sides poorly cooked and resentfully served.  It's rarely if ever eaten and instead used as weapons which explains why it's frequently over cooked to flacid sogginess except in fundamentalist circles where a Ham Bone or Lamb Shank becomes an instrument of murderous intent.  It is often accompanied by copious consumption of alcohol (well, in fairness, the food is inedible).

The Airing of Grievances

The Airing of Grievances takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served (but frequently before any of it is actually consumed).  It consists of each person lashing out at others and the world about how they have been abused and disappointed in the past year, particularly by the other Festivus celebrants.  It often ends in insults that lead to life long resentment and violence.

Feats of Strength

The most misunderstood of the Festivus rituals, there is only one Feat of Strength.  The head of the household picks a challenger and engages in a wrestling match.  They typically pick the weakest first.  This continues until the head of the household is defeated.

That concludes the essential rituals of Festivus.  Now you might think that defeat of the head of the household results in ceremonial bragging rights or change of some sort.

No.

It is essentially pointless as is the rest of the Festivus celebration which is, in fact, entirely the point.

No hugging.  No learning.

It's for the rest of us.

The airing of grievances is mandatory.  'Tis the reason for the season.  I've been quite cranky this year, as those close to me and faithful readers will attest.

Here's hoping your Festivus is uninterrupted by visits from 'Law' Enforcement Officers or trips to the Emergency Room.

Share
up
16 users have voted.

Comments

the ghost of Festivus Past.

RIP.

up
18 users have voted.
Cassiodorus's picture

have a holiday called "Holiday" which they celebrate around this time.

I think I'll have some pasta tonight.

up
16 users have voted.

"The war on Gaza, backed by the West, is a demonstration that the West is willing to cross all lines. That it will discard any nuance of humanity. That it is willing to commit genocide" -- Moon of Alabama

Pricknick's picture

@Cassiodorus

up
15 users have voted.

Regardless of the path in life I chose, I realize it's always forward, never straight.

janis b's picture

Love it …

"A festivus for the rest of us.” What a funny skit and essay!

Thanks ek and cheers everyone!

up
9 users have voted.
Bollox Ref's picture

Paws of strength more like.

Happy Festivus!

up
11 users have voted.

Gëzuar!!
from a reasonably stable genius.

janis b's picture

@Bollox Ref

and your Bipeds!

up
5 users have voted.
enhydra lutris's picture

Discordians have no Holy Days corresponding to either xmas or Festivas, the nearest two being Afflux on The Aftermath 50 (December 8 Gregorian) and Mungday on Chaos 5 (January 5 Gregorian).

They do, how recognize Affiliate Holydays, or Whollydays, which are essentially coopted holidays from other inferior belief systems, and those, of course, include Giftmas on Aftermath 67 (December 25 Gregorian).

So, in the spirit of ecumenicalism, Happy Giftmas to you and yours and to all other sentient beings as well excepting only telemarketers (whose sentience is questionable anyway).

be well and happy and have a good one

up
6 users have voted.

That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --

Lily O Lady's picture

Joe Biden springs to mind. I have many grievances I’d like to share with him and Frau Doktor Biden, and I am sure Joe could give as good as he gets. He always seems to have a bone to pick.

up
5 users have voted.

"The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now do you begin to understand me?" ~Orwell, "1984"

Raggedy Ann's picture

So apropos! Enjoy the evening! Pleasantry

up
5 users have voted.

"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11

Lookout's picture

No matter what you celebrate. We had a light dusting of snow last night. Only the deck and car hoods have any left this AM.

Have a great day and celebrate life if nothing else!

up
5 users have voted.

“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”