Open Thread - Friday, June 2, 2017 - Goodbye Edition
You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.
- Anne Lamott -
Today is my mother's birthday. She died a decade ago. I do not remember struggling to cope with her death, like it has been since my Sweetie died.
Sue and I would go to see live music, whenever we could. Our very first concert was The Allman Brothers and our last concert was Tedeschi Trucks Band. The Allman Brothers did our song.
Upon learning of Greg Allman's death, a flood of emotion percolated, and boiled over.
I miss Sue, everyday. I really did not mind taking care of her. She was beautiful, inside and out. But alas, she is gone, never to return.
I doubt I will ever be over Sue.
Leading up to Mother's Day, my young adult daughter related that she was struggling with Mother's Day and planned to spend the day in a dark room. I let it go, then, and later invited her out for the afternoon. I put Sweetie's ashes into a back pack and picked up Thing2. We went to Durham, where the three of us stopped at a micro-brewery for a beer. Sue sat on a stool between us, but never touched her beer. I still have the beer. Thing2 and I had a nice afternoon and good meal.
Sue was a school social worker. She had an amazing ability to put anyone at ease, boundless empathy and simply adored young children. Just being around her made people feel good. I ache to hold her in my arms.
They say time heals all wounds. I am not so sure. I don't want to let go.
The road goes on forever, and I am too ornery to not press onward. I have been feeling more and more ornery, and angry. I understand it is part of the grieving process and fight the urge to kick someone's ass. I am basically a peaceful person, but have a low tolerance threshold for self absorbed, intolerant and stupid people. So be forewarned, if you are one of those people, and transgress around me, bad things could happen.
I suppose my inner rage places me among the intolerant. I care and don't want to act outside my value system. I have always been calm, cool and collected. So I doubt that I would act on any impulses. That is a good thing for me, and the self absorbed, intolerant and stupid people.
That's it. Sorry about the click bait title (not really).
Have a great weekend!
The thread is OPEN.
Goodbye, Sue. I love you and always will.
Comments
Good morning, Tim ~~
I look forward to Friday and your OT. It means my weekend is just around the corner!
Your opening quote nails it. Although I remarried, I still have that limp and always will. Embracing it is the only way to live with it. I know you are working in that aspect as you work through the grieving steps. I've been at it 30 years. You - a few months.
Have a beautiful day and weekend, folks!
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
I wonder how
... to have a relationship with another woman. I do not want to enter a relationship of self pity, and have an mutually rewarding relationship. Not yet, but not too long either. I need someone to hug.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
It took me four years
before I even considered dating anyone. I dated the first fellow for six months. He wasn't my cup of tea, but he broke the ice for me. I married the next one and he's still around, these 22 years later. The universe will send you someone to hug. Just be alert!
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
Because
... the world needs more lerts!
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
EXACTLY!
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
Hey Tim.
Somebody to...
Love
Shove
and, for you and Sweetie,
Crazy Love (live 1979)
Can relate to how you're feeling now, in some ways, with Greg's passing drawing you back into it.
Lost Chris Cornell and it brought back waves and waves of memories of relationships, life's travels, career, friends, bands I played, but mostly the period of my marriage and divorce. Was having a conversation recently how going through a divorce is in some ways akin to a death in the family. Cornell's death gave occasion to having some deep and meaningful exchanges with her that helped and for which I'm grateful.
The music, and the stories of our lives so intimately intertwined with it, are something I think people who don't have a deep connection with, can not fully appreciate the impact of losing the great ones we cherished for so long and who represented so much in our personal lives. It's the close of a chapter, and it's deep.
Rock on, brother. The music and memories are life's treasures.
"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:
THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC"
- Kurt Vonnegut
Butch Trucks died
... a few days before Sue. At that time, I had my hands full and did not pick up on his death being suicide. While doing today's open thread, I learned of the suicide. I can't help but think the despair of the Trump presidency played a role in Butch's ultimate decision. I am planning to hit the streets tomorrow, not so much for the Russia thing, but the whole Trump cluster funk. I will be wearing green. The march had a sign up, bad idea, and a pledge to be non-violent. I did not sign up or pledge. If some thug starts shit, I am not backing down. Funk them.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Wanna hear something crazy? Butch Trucks lent me his drum kit
when I opened for him some months back at BB Kings in Times Sq (might have mentioned this somewhere here). Well, sort of, yeah.
I was made aware of this almost immediately when I got there for soundcheck, because the band's equipment took up the whole stage and someone told me, I think it was my singer, that I'd be using it. Most of the time there's usually a little room for the opening band to set up in front of their stuff. Not the case this time.
Naturally I went over to thank him. When I moved in his direction his manager interceded to say he was having an intense conversation that he didn't want interrupted. I stepped aside but could hear him. He was going off, that if Trump was elected he was going to leave the country (move to France, maybe?) for good. I think I was told he was speaking to his daughter or something, and there seemed to be a lot of extended family there too.
He kept it up over the course of the early evening. At one point I was walking around backstage with my infant son in my arms and he commented that he had a grandson the same age and how much he would miss him if he was forced to leave the country. There was definitely a darkness about his passion and rage. I didn't dare tell him, in that state, my feelings that it wouldn't matter who wins because Hillary is horrible also.
When the news broke I remember thinking, "wow, he actually did it." I'm not sure that was the main reason but it did seem plausible.
Found an article just after saying he owed the government half a million dollars in back taxes. That made me think of how upside down this thuggish government is, calling to mind also the plights of two friends who had no money to speak of, also being hounded by the IRS. the gall of this institution, while these criminal cocksucker Economic Terrorists of Wall St pillage away and are allowed to hide their loot anywhere the please, and continue to destroy lives.
Sometimes the shit piles up so high that it's hard to see from out under. Sad.
"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:
THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC"
- Kurt Vonnegut
Heh
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Dear NC Tim, I'm sorry for your loss. I know a person
never gets over it. There are just new layers.
These feelings well up in me too: age is part of it, as I find I have less energy as time goes on, to absorb others' lack of questions, awareness, determination. I have also due to medical stupidity truly suffered years of unbelievable hardship and it's left me able to snap at seeing someone mistreated or a defenseless child or animal abused. Can't abide it. I surprise myself, because it's not how I see myself either.
I think it's another form of PTSD. However, it's loss, no doubt, in addition to shunning. For a gregarious southern European descent person, it's death of a thousand cuts.
And I still miss my dog cut down in his prime by lack of good veterinary care.
This should be really about your loss, but your words reflect my feelings so well, I had to comment.
I have a DH who is a late in life love, and he has stuck it out with me through all kinds of thick and thins. And we have a new pup, given us by a neighbor. He's different, but has some of those oh so intelligent self-directed thoughts that our marvelous runner had.
So I guess it's layers and we remember those we have lost.
Peace be to you and yours.
You may choose to look the other way, but you can never say again you did not know. ~ William Wiberforce
If you can donate, please! POP Money is available for bank-to-bank transfers. Email JtC to make a monthly donation.
During the time ...
Sue was sick, we attended a conference where a psychologist from Fort Bragg spoke on the PTSD of care giving.
I have always had a bit of that in me. When my kids were young, and participating in Pop Warner, we would go to the Orlando Disney complex for the national playoffs (Thing1 played on 2003 National Champs). While in the amusement parks, I would get very agitated seeing people abuse children, until I finally cracked and said to a woman yanking on a childs arm, "What the hell is wrong with you? You are hurting your child. How would you like it, if I yanked on your arm?" Sue was apprehensive, but told me she knew it was coming.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Two beautiful souls...
How could you not miss a person who filled so much of your every day with love and joy? You were lucky to find the love of your life, and she you.
"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."--Napoleon
Thanks DK
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Great Love and Great Sorrow
go hand in hand.
Marilyn
"Make dirt, not war." eyo
True that
Greetings, I was raised by an educator and Sue spent her career in the schools. She left me a letter, and told me that the reason she was attracted to me was the way I interacted with children. Whenever we would go to a social gathering, inevitably I would wind up playing with the children, rather than standing around talking with the adults.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Great Love
puts beauty into Great Sorrow.
I have loved reading your open thread and all of the comments. Most of us are at the age we have loved and lost our loves.
Wishing goodness and light for you.
P.S. As a teacher I have known your Sweetie as one of the most important people - advocating for children. (edit to add)
Marilyn
"Make dirt, not war." eyo
Good morning, Tim. Good to see you.
Try to take it easy and have a good day. Most of all, sublimate the anger, but you know that.
That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --
Ten mile walk ...
to my favorite diner and back. Roast beef and swiss on rye with spicy mustard and a large ice tea. Clear blue sky and low 80's. Lots of little kids out to lunch with mom. Feel much better.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Blue Sky
was always a favorite of mine. I hope when you hear it, you feel warm memories of good times together with your Sweetie. I always look forward to your Friday Open threads which I find filled with great wisdom on how to live.
Today I read this article in Counterpunch by Paul Street who is rapidly becoming my favorite author. It ison the Obama Presidency and Obama himself. The title says it all. Obama: aHollow Man Filled With Ruling Class Ideas.
We have company coming in later today and staying for the weekend. Hubby and three friends are riding (bicycling) the Fletcher Flyer on Sunday. Screw the name change since it no longer originates in the town of Fletcher. It is still the Fletcher Flyer to us. So I am manning the B & B.
Do I hear the sound of guillotines being constructed?
“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." ~ President John F. Kennedy
Hey GG
I am improvising as I go. No particular wisdom.
I was thinking of doing a bike ride out your way.
I am way behind on my reading, and way ahead on the fitness program. Currently 5'11', 160# and having trouble finding a leather jacket that fits right. Anything that is big enough through the chest and shoulders is like a maternity top at the waist.
Blue Sky always evokes warm memories. Sue liked to cut the grass (which has not been done this year) and listen to the IPod. She listened to The Iguanas, Steely Dan and Simon & Garfunkel, imparting a bias on my sort algorithm.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Time is magic.
A little enhancement doesn't hurt either
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Markos hocking another bad book
pathetic
This one is all about his McResistance.
Funk Markos
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
“A bullet that changed Germany: the shooting of Benno Ohnesorg”
https://www.irishtimes.com/news/world/europe/a-bullet-that-changed-germa...
Loss of a loved one or even just a good friend or pet — well, not much to say; I was never good at dealing. Long stretches of feeling numb and scarred. My hope is that, when darkness does strike, you and everyone here soon enough find the way back to a sunny place where your heart again does sing.
Thanks LL
Played this one at our wedding:
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Berniecrat to challenge Paul Ryan
I like it
Grrrr! Paul Ryan
Buried in a story about comments made by House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy was an interesting line from the speaker. Omerta ->
http://us.blastingnews.com/news/2017/03/obstruction-of-justice-house-spe...
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
stupid egotists
I don't blame you for this.
The only good egotist.... well, there isn't one! Especially the kind who cherishes his stupidity.
Peace and Healing to you, kind friend. When I first read this morning's title, I feared you were GBCWing us. Thank Cat that isn't the case!
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
It is still not an excuse for ...
physical confrontation. I am not a starter, more of a relief pitcher or closer coming in for the save. I have always been a gym rat, wrestled my way through school, know the issues, am relatively articulate and a curmudgeon. Meaning that if someone confronts me either verbally or physically, they are liable to get handed their ass.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Tim, I'm So Sorry to Hear of Your Loss
Due to lack of time over the past year or so, I've turned into an infrequent contributor and reader here on c99%, but very much appreciate your contributions.
Thanks.
A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma
Thanks JnH
Good to cross paths. I too am less frequent. Sitting in front of the computer is soul sucking. I feel bad about not keeping Joe company, but tend to take an evening motorcycle ride and stop for a single before bed time beer. It is nice to get out in the cooler air.
Hey, it's Funk Friday!
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
redacted - unnecessary garbage
... sorry, NCTim, just ran into that and had to spit it out, because it tasted too bad to be swallowed.
https://www.euronews.com/live
Hey Mimi
So our thought leaders are dim witted. Who knew? Just funkin' great. Joe has some Taj Mahal going over at the EBs.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
afternoon tim...
i have no great wisdom to impart about loss. i've lost some people and it sucks. many of them are still in my head, though, and the memory of them often informs me in different ways. decades often melt away in a moment of memory when there are resonances of past events.
the people who have made the deepest impression on me do not fade away.
Right, left, right, left, right, left, ...
Just funkin' sayin'
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -