I’ve been on Team Gandalf ever since he first visited the Shire. It was so nice to see a wizard who was truly a wizard of the people. The kind of wizard who wouldn’t even throw you in a dungeon for smoking a little Longbottom Leaf or Old Toby. Here was a wizard who didn’t have a big fancy tower. His staff and cloak were rather plain and grey. And he had quite a dream, didn’t he?

Gandalf had the crazy idea that some little hobbits could stand up to and defy the power of the billionaire class Dark Lord Sauron. But I guess that was a pipe dream after all.

Gandalf failed. He got his ass locked up atop Saruman’s tower when he foolishly defied the head of the Democratic Party council of wizards. And now that he’s locked up it’s not like some eagle is going to magically appear and rescue him. It’s over. And now Saruman is our only hope against Sauron.

We need to stop saying nasty things about Saruman or it will be difficult to rally the people of Middle Earth to his side. Here are some things we should no longer mention, or if we do, we should put a positive spin on them so people will still see Saruman is our only hope.

Saruman’s Environmental Record: While it is true that Saruman has supported clear cutting huge ancient forests, and while an old hippie tree hugger like Treebeard might tell you lots of those trees were his friends, we ARE talking about trees here. And sure, Gandalf has a much better record on the environment but he’s done now. It’s time to focus on how much worse Sauron’s environmental record is. I mean, have you seen Mordor? 

Saruman’s Being in League With the Dark Lord: Okay, okay. It’s true. Saruman did go to Sauron’s wedding. But that was a LONG time ago when Sauron still had both eyes. And fake hair. It’s also true that Saruman may have promised to do the dark lord’s bidding and to find the ring of power and give it to Sauron. But c’mon! You know Saruman was just doing that because he plans to ultimately betray Sauron after he’s done betraying us!

Saruman Actively Seeks Out the Ring of Power, and the Ring of Power Has Only One Master and Is Evil. Gandalf says that is evidence you have to refuse to have anything at all to do with the Super PrACious at all. His biggest criticism of Saruman is that Saruman plans to try and use the ring. But that’s just an artful smear on Gandalf’s part, implying that Saruman doesn’t have the integrity to be totally uninfluenced by the speaking fees one ring once he accepts it!

Saruman Has Instigated Pre-Emptive War That Has Killed Thousands: Look, he only did that to prove his loyalty and toughness to Sauron so he could get some of that sweet, sweet ring of power. You know, the power we can totally trust him to use AGAINST Sauron later. Sometimes you have to burn a few villages in Rohan to save the world. Besides, it was all a misunderstanding. Saruman glimpsed in the palantir and thought he saw a spear of mass destruction being constructed at Helm’s Deep. Cause you can totally trust what Sauron chooses to show you in the palantir.

So now you all have your talking points. Let’s get out there and whip up support for Saruman! Saruman is the wisest and most powerful of the wizards and has the most experience! Saruman will not be influenced at all by the Super PrACious ring of power and will instead use its might to betray the one who made it. He totally is going to betray Sauron and not us.

So forget about Gandalf and his ridiculous plan involving little hobbits and actually giving up Wall Street money the ring of power. Only a fool would take on the power of Wall Street Mordor without it.

So it’s time to say #I’mWithSar because Saruman isn’t after the ring for himself, he’s always been fighting for us. Thank you, Saruman, for bearing the heavy burden of all that Wall Street money the ring of power to save us from a fate even worse than you:

Thanks for the rec list a Daily Kos! Sadly, as of around noon I can no longer comment or write new diaries over there. Not sure if it's a glitch or what. I guess we'll see.

Remember, you might not like having to support Saruman but we live in a TWO TOWER system!

And I don’t hate Saruman. Saruman makes me sad and a little angry. You know why? Because I’m with Tree Beard: “A wizard should know better.”