When on Thursday Marine General Robert Neller told his serial killers assembled to prepare for a “big-ass fight,” as “there’s a war coming,” most of the Americans assumed he was referring to North Korea, or some Mideast country where the mud people have oil, or “AIDS huts” in Haiti or Nigeria, or maybe even California, a Hairball-Free Zone where the legislature is infested with Mexicans and homos, who recurrently demand The Hairball “publicly apologize to all Americans for his racist and bigoted behavior,” even as the governor gets a hand-cramp signing pardons for Cambodian criminals so The Hairball can’t deport them.

But no. In truth, Neller was referring to the coming War On Christmas.

Because The Hairball, he is determined to take out Santa Claus.

As can be apprehended in the video embedded below, filmed at a raucous Hairball beer-hall rally, Hairball primate Oberfuhrer Stefan Müller has identified Santa Claus as “the head of the snake” of “the great globalist conspiracy.”

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qn7rCt531RY]

“This creature travels all the globe, without regard for borders, language, culture, providing precious goods, for free, to those who have not worked for, or otherwise earned them, and without regard for whether the recipients have been naughty (Mean to Hairball) or nice (fellated Hairball),” Müller fumes. “He is against all that is Hairball—is vermin, that must be exterminated!”

“This syphilitic Sorosian infection is everywhere feted by the enemies of the people in the lugenpresse as a good and generous man,” Müller further foams, “when in fact he is a fifth-column Rothschilder stabbing in the back the very heart of Christmas—which is about spending all of your money on MAGA hats to reward The Hairball as Jesus’ representative on Earth!”

The Hairball’s chief intelligence analyst, Mike Cernovich, warns that members of the conch-shell community have recently “flooded the tubes with open-air instructions to the Oswald Band to give The Hairball a Kennedy-head. I am in possession of documents indicating that these outrageous orders originated with Santa Claus himself. We must strike him first, before we ourselves are stricken!”

However, a top-secret intelligence assessment concludes that if the US were to wage a War on Christmas, it would most probably be The Loser.

Santa’s best defense is that the North Pole is—spoiler—really cold. The US Navy doesn’t have any icebreakers, and the Coast Guard only has two, both of which are research vessels.

There’s nothing to stop the United States from sending a few Predator drones over the North Pole and targeting Claus’ infrastructure—the workshop, the reindeer runway, the gingerbread valley. But that would trigger an international incident with Russia, which in 2007 claimed the pole falls on its continental shelf and is therefore sovereign territory. Canada recently made the same claim (invoking Santa in the process), although the evidence was dubious.

The assessment notes that the diplomatic situation is further complicated by the fact Lolita Hairball is a lover of Justin Trudeau, the prime minister of Canada, while The Hairball is a lover of Russian president Vlad The Impaler.

Hairball court historian Sebastian “Like My Nazi Medal?” Gorka dismisses such concerns, noting that “history is replete with examples of leaders fucking each other even as their nations are at war.

"The Duke Of Buckingham," he pointed out, "bounced the bedsprings with the Queen of France, though Britain and France were at daggers drawn. And Eleanor of Aquitaine was married first to the king of France, and then to the king of England; soldiers of both countries all the while bleeding each other every five minutes. Our own George Washington—until The Hairball, the nation’s greatest president—during the Rich Property-Owning White American Colonists vs. The British War, he famously killed English troops by day, while fucking an English spy by night.


“Anyway,” Gorka stressed, “just because you’re fucking somebody, that doesn’t mean you can’t also kill them. Look at Richard Speck!”

The intelligence assessment continues:

Targeting Santa while he’s on his rounds sounds good in theory. But the United States has never successfully shot down a ballistic missile, which doesn’t inspire confidence in its chances at taking down Santa, whose packed schedule requires him to travel at a pace somewhere between ridiculous and ludicrous speed. Norwegian physicist Knut Jørgen Røed Oedegaar argues that Claus is equipped with an ion shield, which prevents him from being torn apart by gravitational forces and protects him from being incinerated (by fireplaces, atmospheric reentry, or missiles). Also, he travels between dimensions.

Defense Secretary Stain Mattress, one of 8,948,566,276,647 neocons in the Hairball administration, admits the US has a poor record of keeping up with aerial phenomena that is not really there. Nonetheless, he says, he is eager to engage in the War On Christmas, “to prove conclusively that the United States cannot defeat in war even a figment—shit just made up.

“The US hasn’t won a war since it was nearly shoved into the sea off Grenada by a handful of Cuban engineers; before that, there was Japan, where after many years the US managed to defeat a country the size of my car,” says Mattress.

“The Hairball is an emanation of pure Thanatos,” Mattress explains, “as are all who sail with him. And the important thing in Thanatos is the Killing, not whether you actually win anything.”

More from the assessment:

Nor is Santa himself a pushover. Some images of the old man depict him with a Kalashnikov. Elsewhere, he’s armed with a sword. Futurama‘s Robot Santa has some sort of laser blaster. In Scrooged, Santa is able to repel a terrorist attack with an M16A2; his elves carry M60 machine guns. Oh, and about those elves: According to NorthPole.com, “There are an unlimited number of elves because it takes a lot of help to keep the northpole maintained and the presents made every year.” Even if an expeditionary force succeeds in taking the workshop, the elves’ sheer numbers make the possibility of a post-invasion insurgency likely. And then there’s Santa’s sidekick Krampus, a massive goat-demon who according to Germanic legend, captures his enemies in a bathtub, eats them, and transports them to hell.

Müller sneers at the assessment as “the work of cosmopolitans, and other people who can read and write. Such Deep State defeatists have no place in the Hairball administration.”

He said the assessment ”fails to account for the fuhrer’s wonder weapons. For instance, we will be deploying giant catapults, to hurl flaming Mexicans directly into the Claus compound. Also, Muslims will be greased up with pig fat, set ablaze, and then shoved out of helicopters, directly onto the enemy’s fortifications. It will make the firebombing of Tokyo look like the flame from a Sterno can!

“Fire beats snow, like rock beats paper—everyone knows that,” Müller said.

The assessment further glums:

And unlike the Russians and the Finns, the United States doesn’t have any ground units specifically trained to handle polar climates.

“I cannot think of too many worse environments to infiltrate and then exfiltrate from than the North Pole,” says Andrew Exum, a former special adviser for Middle East policy at the Department of Defense who fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. “I have no idea how many elves would remain loyal to Santa Claus, but given the open terrain, you would probably want to surround Santa’s workshop with at least a company of Army Rangers before sending in a team from one of our special missions units to capture or kill Santa himself. That’s 150 to 200 men right there that would have to make their way to one of the most remote locations on Earth, carry out a very difficult mission in low visibility and freezing temperatures, and then march back out. As much as I love and admire our special operations forces, that’s a huge ask.”

“No ask is too huge for The Hairball!” Müller shrieked. “They will die with their boots on! And then Lolita Hairball will send to the families coupons for ten percent off, on selected items from her corpse-themed fashion line. Also a free MAGA hat—so long as it is promised the corpse will be buried wearing it.”

Müller said the Americans will be “softened up” to accept veritable Titanics filled with dead American bodies, by ceaselessly repeating on state media—Fox, Breitbart, Stormfront, Sputnik—bloodchilling confessions of Santa Claus that, in the current climate, will have the Americans clamoring to clap him into the penis prison. Such as the below-embedded boast that Santa boldly swaggers, in broad daylight, into the homes, there bribes the kiddies, and then proceeds to Weinstein the wimmins.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrRC24g1xdw]

Some in the assessment suggest the US play a long game, hoping those oppressed will rise up against Claus—but that too, is ultimately rejected as dicey.

Santa’s workshop is a political powder keg just waiting for a spark. With only reindeer milk, fish, and the odd seal readily available in the harsh Arctic landscape, the North Pole has to import eggs, dairy, and sprinkles to sustain its inhabitants’ principal diet of Christmas cookies. Elves also consume enormous quantities of maple syrup, which must be imported from the United States or Canada by way of a cartel. All that makes the North Pole uniquely vulnerable to tough international sanctions and a coordinated push for regime change—by aiding militant factions if necessary.

Under the brutal Claus regime, which exiles its radicals to the Island of Misfit Toys, the elite few have grown fat on the labor of the many. How long can Santa’s elves endure such pressures before they begin to question the leader they’ve followed blindly for so long? How long before the workers seize the means of production?

The problem with waiting for an elvish uprising, Exum says, is that it might take a while—even if they get assistance from the Green Berets. “I have no idea how combat-ready these elves are. They could be like the elves in the Lord of the Rings, in which case they shouldn’t need much training, or they could be like those Keebler elves, in which case I can’t imagine they have any military training or experience.”

The final decision as to whether to launch the War on Christmas was delayed until Christmas morning. This because The Hairball had conceived a delusion that, for Christmas, Robert Mueller would present him with a special official Paper that says he is not a Rooski.

The Hairball is boasting to friends and advisers that he expects Mueller to clear him of wrongdoing in the coming weeks. The Resident seems so convinced of his impending exoneration that he is telling associates Mueller will soon write a letter clearing him that The Hairball can brandish to Washington and the world in a bid to finally emerge from the cloud of suspicion that has loomed over the first chapter of his presidency.

The Sane people in the fuhrerbunker, over this they are having the hand-wringing:

"The Resident's mantra is 'All this Russia stuff, it's all going to wrap up soon.' He repeats it as fact," said one source. "Part of me is like—'Are you serious? You believe this?'" 
 
Three sources familiar with the Resident's recent conversations about the investigation said The Hairball has become convinced that he will receive a letter of exoneration. One source worried he would have a "meltdown" if that doesn't happen.
 
"He'll try and fire Mueller and then be impeached," this person predicted.

Not even his chief mouthpiece, Corn Cobb, knows out of what lunatic orifice The Hairball pulled this letter nutness:

Cobb declined to speculate on how the Resident would be publicly exonerated. He said he and the Resident had never discussed a letter of exoneration and said he had "no idea" where The Hairball got the idea.

It is expected that, in the hours before dawn, The Hairball will awaken. And then, as every morning, he will smoke a big bowl of meth, as daugher Lolita dutifully ministers to his micromember. He will prepare to go to the twitlers, as he does every morning, but then he will remember it is Christmas! So he will lumber excitedly down the stairs, and there thrash, expectantly, all around the tree, searching for the Special Paper, from Mueller, confirming that he is not a Rooski.

But he will not find it.

And then he will be like a kid who expected for Christmas a bicycle, but got only socks.

And so, enraged, he will give the “go” order. And the War on Christmas, it will be On.

More’s the pity. Because just as Exum, there in the assessment, feared, Santa's elves, they are not Keebler crackers, but Rings beings.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2K6FUWBtP8]

And the war on the idea that Santa represents—one world, indivisible; magical; loving, giving—it is long lost.

The Hairball, he is just another thanaton Ozymandias. While the Eros of Gaia: she not fade away.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ48foxPzVE]