Today in Russia-related news

CDC Health Alert

Due to a nationwide outbreak of Russian Agents hiding under America's beds the CDC has issued these guidelines.

1) Resist the urge to reach under your bed and grab him. Remember he's just as scared of you as you are of him. He'll likely try to bite you.

2) Talk in a calm voice. Preferably a Russian lullaby. Then draw him out with food.

3) Let him smell your hand before trying to pet him. Be gentle.

4) Once you have a leash on him, bring him to the local humane shelter where he can be dewormed and deprogrammed.

Economic Warning

Economists reported today that Russian Agents are now Russia's leading export, surpassing oil and mail-order brides.
Economists also issued a warning that Russia has exported so many Agents that they are in danger of exceeding global demand.

Congressional Democrats Discover Putin Is To Blame For Everything Bad

The House Committee To Investigate All Things Russia has uncovered evidence that Putin is to blame for everything bad going all the way back to the beginning of time.
"It's really a stunning discovery, " said a leading Democrat. "The 2016 election. The 2014 election. That time I got caught taking a bribe. Putin is to blame for it all."
It's not a surprise that Democrats uncovered irrefutable evidence that everything bad that has happened to the Democratic Party is the fault of Putin. What shocked the committee was the discovery that Putin was also to blame for gum disease, the Fall of the Roman Empire, marital infidelity, and even things that haven't happen yet, such as the Democrats approaching defeat in the 2018 elections.
"The important take-away from this finding is that the Democrats do not need to reform and stop taking corporate money," said a leading Democrat. "It's our duty to focus all the attention on Putin."

Putin vows to kill Superman

After his successful conquest of the United States, Putin announced his plans to destroy the Justice League.
While sitting on his throne in his Fortress Of Eternal Darkness, Putin told reporters that his plans to rule the universe for all eternity rested on his ability to destroy Superman once and for all.
"To accomplish my evil plans I have enlisted Lex Luther as my associate," Putin said while slowly stroking a white cat in his lap.
Putin was delivering a speech to his countless minions at press time.

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All together now:

Vlad Vlad Vlad Putin
Russia's greatest sex machine....

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They say that there's a broken light for every heart on Broadway
They say that life's a game and then they take the board away
They give you masks and costumes and an outline of the story
And leave you all to improvise their vicious cabaret-- A. Moore

Cant Stop the Macedonian Signal's picture

@Johnny Q Did I tell you about the time somebody on TOP accused me of being sexually obsessed with Vladimir Putin?

Not joking.

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"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha

"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver

go to TOP for the safety tips.

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"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981

Pricknick's picture

gjohn.

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Regardless of the path in life I chose, I realize it's always forward, never straight.

Big Al's picture

they like to hang out at Walmart. I think they figure they can infiltrate mainstream Amerika best from there, easier to fit in because there are a lot of eastern Europeans in this area. One of the reasons I don't go to Walmart, but also because I hate rich people and try not to make them more rich.

The Russians are coming, The Russians are coming!

Isn't this just amazing? How stupid can people be?

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It is a given the Russians cost Her the election. I mean, it is the unquestionable TRUTH there.
And Trump conspired with them! It is true!!!!
Ian Riefowitz' front page post is just unreadable, so I glimpsed at the first 6 comments.
That is the blog of Establishment Dems.
To be a good Dem, you must be corrupt AND bat shit crazy!

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"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981

snoopydawg's picture

@on the cusp
She has been on fire lately and her take down of the Hillary democrats is a fun read.
Good ole Dick Cheney has responded to the Russian propaganda and of course he agrees that they interfered with the election.

This is who you’ve allied yourselves with, Democrats. This is where you’ve decided to take your stand. With war criminals like Dick Cheney, who should have stood trial at the Hague many years ago. With John McCain, who has supported every single evil act of American military interventionism in his entire lifetime, and who has pushed for many, many other acts of warfare that our world was fortunate enough to avoid. I look in liberal discussion circles and I see these bloodthirsty war criminals being celebrated as heroes for standing up to Donald Trump as though they oppose his vile human rights policies, when really they only oppose his resistance to the neocon policy of regime-change invasions. Nobody who has pushed for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians in Muslim countries actually cares about an immigrant ban on those same countries. Come on.

IMG_0997_0.JPG
Then there's her take down of the democrats who are buying this bullshit.

What have you become, Democrats? How did you get here? I think it’s worth taking a few steps back to reassess your situation. I’m not addressing the career politicians on Capitol Hill here, we all know they’re crooks; I’m addressing the real, rank-and-file members of the Democratic party. What happened to you? I’ve been watching you my whole life and I can honestly say I’ve never seen you so crazy. You used to care about the poor, the working class, economic justice, taking care of everyone, but now whenever I look in your direction I get blasted in the face with McCarthyist vitriol and George W. Bush prancing around on the Ellen show while you all cheer and talk about how you wish he could be president again instead of Trump.

And then there's this guy. Remember when it was only that Russia hacked the DNC? And now we are hearing that they have done so much, much more, but they still haven't shown us any proof.
IMG_0998.PNG
I too wonder what happened to their thinking skills.
CStS has the best sigline about putting women's genitals on hats and wearing them.

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Which AIPAC/MIC/pharma/bank bought politician are you going to vote for? Don’t be surprised when nothing changes.

@snoopydawg Hillary loves Kissinger, her voters love Cheney and Shrub...Am I seeing a pattern here?
Oh, wait! Obama made nice with McCain. And Mittens.
By GAWD, I AM seeing a pattern!!!
I love CSTS' sig line.
All my life, I have been taught to cover up and use or refer to my vagina in a discreet, yet personal and normal way. It is what it is, and should never have political or economic implications. I am human first, woman second. Gender was not to be used for or against opportunity. Look to merit. Look to brains.
It took Hillary to make putting pussy replicas on mens' and childrens' heads cool, baby. So cool.

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"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981

Cant Stop the Macedonian Signal's picture

@snoopydawg Heh. Maybe I should go back to that one. But that picture of Cheney with a pussy hat is downright painful.

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"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha

"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver

snoopydawg's picture

@Cant Stop the Macedonian Signal
when I read your comment.
Yes, go back to the other sigline. I smiled every time I read it.
Hope you didn't miss his safety pin that shows that he is offering safety to the Muslims because of Trump's supporters.
Good ole Dick, always thinking of ways to help others Smile

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Which AIPAC/MIC/pharma/bank bought politician are you going to vote for? Don’t be surprised when nothing changes.

Cant Stop the Macedonian Signal's picture

@snoopydawg If Cheney offers safety, run.

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"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha

"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver

@snoopydawg really!

In a shocking revelation putting all Russiagate skeptics to shame, the American people have been shown irrefutable proof not only of Russian hackers stealing emails from Democratic party officials, but of direct collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government to win the 2016 election. CNN reports that Friday’s Senate Intelligence Committee hearing featured declassified information obtained via NSA surveillance conclusively showing DNC emails digitally changing hands between hackers and the Russian government, and from the Russian government to WikiLeaks via intermediaries. Newly declassified CIA surveillance footage was also played at the hearing featuring Donald Trump giving Russian operatives the okay to release the damaging emails last year in order to damage the Hillary Clinton campaign.

“It’s a good thing we remembered that our intelligence community has extensive surveillance networks keeping track of all the comings and goings of information both in and outside of the United States,” Senator Mark Warner told MSNBC. “This enabled us to dispel all doubt once and for all that this is a real investigation and not at all a red herring designed to distract America from the massive, sweeping changes that need to be made to our nation’s political establishment, and to do so without compromising any of our sources.”

“We probably could have shared this information a lot earlier, but we’d just plum forgotten about it until now,” Warner added sheepishly.

“I told you it was Russia,” said former DNC leader Donna Brazile in an interview with Rachel Maddow this morning. “Clearly the Democratic party has major problems, including massive amounts of institutionalized corruption and a spectacular failure to meet the needs of the American people, and that absolutely needs to be dealt with. With my Russia comments I was simply trying to draw people’s attention to the provable fact that an enemy attacked our great nation’s pristine Democratic system.”

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snoopydawg's picture

@gjohnsit
goes to a picture of Bernie smiling and laughing.
It's so absurd that anyone can believe the hype that grows bigger and bigger every damn day.
Hillary only blamed Comey for her losing the election until people started saying that Trump was Putin's puppet and that he had been grooming him for years before he even thought of running for the presidency. Almost every day there is a new allegation pointing collusion between him and Putin.
And a lot of people think that Bill put him up to run as a joke.
The whole Russian propaganda is the democrat's WMDs. And people are falling for it.
If I shake my head anymore I'm going to give myself a concussion.

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Which AIPAC/MIC/pharma/bank bought politician are you going to vote for? Don’t be surprised when nothing changes.

Arrow's picture

I read that as...

Leni Riefenstahl

Edit: Ok That was in poor taste.....Sorry :/

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I want a Pony!

Cant Stop the Macedonian Signal's picture

@Arrow Actually, I thought that was pretty damned funny.

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"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha

"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver

Well done!

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thanatokephaloides's picture

2) Talk in a calm voice. Preferably a Russian lullaby. Then draw him out with food.

Caviar and vodka are recommended.....

(Warning: may be NSFW!)

[video:https://youtu.be/e8EHdC1BSaA width:500 height:350]

Wink

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"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar

"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides

Cant Stop the Macedonian Signal's picture

@thanatokephaloides If this goes on much longer, *I'm* going to be needing the vodka. He can have the caviar, though.

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"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha

"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver

Pluto's Republic's picture

You've probably seen this one. True story:

The Russian Foreign Ministry showed off its cheeky side Saturday with an April Fool’s prank needling the U.S. over its claims of election interference.

The ministry released a proposed voicemail message for its embassy answering machines to help callers seeking Russian hackers or election meddlers.

“To arrange a call from a Russian diplomat to your political opponent, press 1,” the recording begins, in Russian and English. Press 2 “to use the services of Russian hackers, and 3 “to request election interference.”

A ministry duty officer, who did not give his name in line with official practice, confirmed to the Associated Press that the Facebook post was an official joke.

Russian President Vladimir Putin on Thursday emphatically denied allegations of Russian meddling in the U.S. presidential election.

“Read my lips,” Putin said in an interview. “No.”

Mon Dieu! Russia is winning our hearts and minds. We will probably greet them with candy and flowers when they come to take over America.

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____________________

The political system is what it is because the People are who they are. — Plato

@Pluto's Republic I heard the recording, in both Russian and English. That was a master stroke. Genius comedy and rapier stab to the raving lunatics. I know 'they' don't understand, but most of the actual people in this world knows this Russiagate nonsense is laughable and they are laughing AT, not WITH.

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@ChezJfrey

It's the lack of mental health care taken by The Parasite Class...

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Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.

CB's picture

to completely destroy the much vaunted American democracy.

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Pluto's Republic's picture

@CB

The US has fallen hopelessly behind.

Little wonder that Russia controls our elections.

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____________________

The political system is what it is because the People are who they are. — Plato
riverlover's picture

@CB @Pluto's Republic And make me happy, after listening to my dog barking outside for since dark.

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Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.

CB's picture

Here's hidden camera view of Maria secretly celebrating Russian success in the complete destruction of American democracy:

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@CB Aw man, she rocked it with ankle/neck breaking high heels!

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"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981

CB's picture

@on the cusp
president of Russia after Putin's next term. She has an awesome intelligence backed by a wicked wit. Very few men can stand against her.

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@CB Fine with me! Aside from her charisma, she appears to be rational.
My hope is that she is rational.

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"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981

Pluto's Republic's picture

@on the cusp

Putin is exceedingly patient, he listens carefully, responds thoughtfully, and occasionally cracks up when reporters are ridiculous.

Zakharova strikes me as someone who would grab a nation of fools by the balls and explain how things work in the civilized world.

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____________________

The political system is what it is because the People are who they are. — Plato
CB's picture

@Pluto's Republic
to give short history lessons to stupid American reporters.

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Bollox Ref's picture

The Russian imperial standard might fly tomorrow at Chez Bollox.

Just flew the Breton flag for a visiting colleague from Brittany, which he found very entertaining.

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Gëzuar!!
from a reasonably stable genius.

CB's picture

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This goes into the classic file! Thanks for some much-needed giggles.

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Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.