Signal Wave
Good morning, everybody.
My mother's husband, David Kuniansky, passed away last Monday in the early hours of the morning. My mom seems to be doing as well as one might expect. Thankfully, she has a lot of support, and a lot more friends than she thought. His death is actually a blessing, though I found that I grieved more than I thought I would. Basically no sleep for the night before and the night after his death.
Of course, I am getting off anti-anxiety medication at the same time, so that too probably has something to do with the disturbed sleep, which continues. Soon I will also be lowering the anti-depressant, of which I'm currently taking the maximum possible dose. I finally established a relationship with a primary care doctor week before last, and she thinks that the large dose of antidepressant is causing the anxiety--or at least exacerbating it. Since the antidepressant is a stimulant, that seems reasonable.
I don't know if anybody else here has ever experienced needing a vacation from their life. I feel pretty damned lame needing a vacation when I don't have a job, but things have been extremely stressful for the last six months. So I told myself I would basically stop doing any non-emergency house repairs or projects for the latter half of 2019. Around that time, I will finally have paid off a fair amount of the debt I incurred buying the house, so maybe there will be both time and money to do something I don't have to do, but simply want to do. The lack of travel has not contributed well to my mental health as, like Neil Peart, I find that motion helps me deal with grief, loss, and stress.
(By the way, for those of you who haven't read it, Peart's book Ghost Rider, the story of what he did after losing his daughter and wife within ten months--which was essentially to get on the road on his bike and keep moving--is well worth the read.)
Meantime, I've added a pile of new things into my life, which is not really what I want to do, but I needed something to help me while getting off anti-anxiety meds, so I added qui gong and an extra acupuncture session per week. Consequently, next week looks mad busy, but I'm hoping to be able to scale some of that back going forward. It's a curious balance to maintain, when you feel you need to decrease your obligations for your health, but maintaining your health adds obligations:
We're also fostering a pit bull puppy (probably a mutt but I don't know what he's mixed with) starting Monday. He was brought into the vet the same time we were trying to get our dog help with a marijuana toxicity problem (she got into some of the medical marijuana and is fine). Someone had seen him whimpering and limping by the side of the road--apparently he got clipped by a car and they had to amputate his left back leg. We paid for the surgery, which the vet gave us at a discount, and the vet bore the cost of vaccinations, and now Mort (short for Mortar, mainly because our dog Prudence is a Brick, but also because he's grey) is going to spend some time with us while we look for a family to take him. If we can't find one, we'll take him to the Humane Society.
Here's the song Peart wrote about his experience, also named "Ghost Rider:"
How are you all today?
Comments
Neera Tanden Gives Marco Rubio a Handjob
[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoOQEImqd2U]
I love Jimmy Dore.
Modern education is little more than toeing the line for the capitalist pigs.
Guerrilla Liberalism won't liberate the US or the world from the iron fist of capital.
For the most part, Dore says what would say, if we
had his audience and his comedic talent and timing.
Like Tanden, I, too, am sorry that in 2016, Russia finally found a way to make Hillary unable to be accountable for ANYthing ever.
As far as I ever knew, that had always been true of Hillary. And, for that matter, of many politicians. But, sure, let's pretend Russia was responsible for that and Hillary's inability to be accountable for anything ever began only after Hillary again announced for the Presidency. Why not? Why waste all the money and energy this country spend making Russia! anathema during the Cold War? Russian communists. Russian oligarchs. Potayto, pohtahto. Same diff.
In fact, I'd best to cut this post short and get to building a fall out shelter in case Russia finally drops that nuclear bomb on the only country in the world ever to drop a nuclear bomb on any nation. (Hey! Better that we dropped them than some rogue nation. Amirite?)
This is a great video. Thank you for posting it.
It's worth an essay, that video.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
You've really been going through it lately.
I'm so sorry for the losses that you and your partner have had to endure in such rapid succession, and while you are not feeling well.
Choose your health. Whatever that takes. Whatever that means. Whenever the occasion arises. Choose your health even over your own high standards for yourself. Choose your health over your critics, including the one(s?) who live(s) inside your own head.
Far easier said than done, but a necessary skill to acquire and practice.
You're right.
I've been getting, for some time, the clear message that I need to cut down on my responsibilities, at least for a while. I don't want to be one of those middle-aged folks who doesn't listen to that message and ends up having a heart attack or a stroke or something! I'm gonna try to stick to my earlier plan and cut back radically on my responsibilities after the summer solstice.
Backwards-sounding, I know, but in Florida, summer is winter. Summer is the extreme season where you spend all the time you can indoors.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Good. Cutting down on commitments/activities is not all
that I meant, but it is a very good start.
I agree . . .
When the Body Says No
[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6IL8WVyMMs]
I read the book on Scribd.com
Yes. Please take care of yourself! So sorry to hear of your loss.
Marilyn
"Make dirt, not war." eyo
sleep is curative...
mentally and physically. I find exercise to be the best sleeping pill for me. I've been building a well house this week, and coming in pooped...then sleeping hard all night.
Wishing you the best CStMS, and you other c99ers too!
“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”
Exercise is one of my go-to strategies
that was one reason we jacked up the amount of anti-depressant: to generate enough energy that I could get regularly to the gym. I've been doing that for a couple weeks, so I think it served its purpose.
However, the sleep thing doesn't seem to be so much about being tired as about an inability to relax. Pharmaceutical mood drugs can be a difficult horse to ride; I only got back on them because life wasn't working without them. This time, I'm gonna try adding qui gong and dietary changes to the mix and see if the mood problems go away (or at least reduce by a lot).
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Good morning CSTMS. Sorry that you've been going through
all of that grief, including all of the literal grief. I suspect that there are natural activities and things that you will find to do to replace the meds. Mood altering chemicals are really a crude and clunky solution to things with repercussions and side effects largely unknown and undetected.
I read the other day that things are vstly improved in, around, among and under trees, people feel and do better in many ways, so, if you can find the time and energy, try to find a local copse, grove, park or forest in which to sit and read or do qi gong, or just lay back and sense and experience it. I know that often/always worked for me, especially woods near water,, for me, mostly the ocean or mountain streams.
Have a good one, or at least the best day/week you can have.
Think good thoughts:
That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --
Thanks, e.l.
Trees do help a lot, as does going into more sparsely populated areas. I'm starting to think Gainesville has gotten a little large for me. I felt a lot better when we were in smaller cities and towns up north.
But parks are better than nothing and we have a plethora of them here in Alachua County.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Can relate
Just lost my best friend. Trying to be strong for the closest survivors. Takes a toll. A sweet soul too soon to go. Gotta scoop up the loose ends. Build something strong to reinforce the weakness.
Shew.
Condolences, QMS
That sounds a lot harder than what I'm going through; at least none of those who died were close to me.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Just happened to hear Elton John
Funeral for a friend as I was reading your reply. Goose bumps and tears. Strength is where you make it my friend. Shedding grief like old skin. Tough. Raw. Breeding ground for new emotions.
Onward! Living forward.
This is one of my go-tos
Not a favorite band of mine, but on this one they knocked it out of the park:
What an incredible expression of the disorienting aspect of grief.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Good morning, all!
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
The road...
17 years ago I lost my fiance to breast cancer, which came two years after losing my best friend since high school to skin cancer.
So I took a year off and drove 'right round' Australia (30,000 Km) and then took a 'victory' lap around Tasmania.
Beat spending the money on therapy.
The current working assumption appears to be that our Shroedinger's Cat system is still alive. But what if we all suspect it's not, and the real problem is we just can't bring ourselves to open the box?
Good Morning CStMs
Many years ago I went through a grieving period where my Mother died, my boyfriend of six years left me, 9/11 happened in the city where I lived and worked, I lost my job because of it, my cat of seventeen years died, and I graduated from college which left me with no structure or a routine to fall back on. The depression that followed was severe and crippling. How I managed to get through it, probably saved my life.
The best advice I can give you from my own personal experience in combatting the chemical reactions going on inside your brain, both pharmacologically and naturally, is either through meditation, or chanting. Meditation might be difficult if you're feeling anxious, but chanting, since it's more "active" and has an audible rhythm to follow, might be a better fit.
I like EL 's suggestion about sitting under a tree (no surprise there, I guess) and the idea of sitting under a tree while chanting seems even more poetically appropriate for what you are trying to achieve.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
[video:https://youtu.be/KfRcUpoPl7w]
I'm so sorry to hear about your step-father and the difficulties you've had to endure recently. It sounds like grief has pulled up a chair in your home lately. It's a difficult time to navigate through. But there is a way through. Of this I'm sure. Please know I'm only a telephone call away and can lend a sympathetic ear if you need to talk about what you're going through.
Be well.
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
Good evening CStMS
My thoughts are with you. Be well..,
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I remember a time when
my office lease was terminated and I had to scramble to move to another one. And I lost my pasture lease, had to sell my entire herd of cattle. I had to put down my horse. One of my dogs died. And my husband died. And all this occurred within 10 days.
Like what must happen after a battle destroys your city, all this completely took the life I knew and led and replaced it with a life I had no familiarity with living.
I dove into work, day and night, day after day, and am still doing that 21 years later.
I have no time to reflect on it. Work is the focus, and the distraction from the heartbreak.
Must go to work.
Take care of yourself.
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981