I tried... oh, how I tried. I gave myself every rationalization (excuse) that I could think of, and when that didn't work I asked my hubby to "talk me into voting for Hillary."

We sat in the car outside our polling place, him making his best arguments (he really doesn't like her, either, but is much more worried about Trump winning), and me biting my tongue to keep from shooting down each reason he gave. Last time we "discussed" Hill, I felt like I completely demoralized him.

So I sat there in the car, my hand on the door handle, feeling like I was glued in my seat. For the first time in my adult life I -dreaded- walking into that Armory. It felt like a death march.

I'm a Boomer who's been politically and socially active since the late '60's. I marched for women's rights; I fought for civil rights. Every career field I've had since I turned 18 was originally seen as a "man's" career field. I've never missed an election, I've educated myself to the intricacies of both candidates and local issue propositions. Since I turned 50, I've written out notes to take with me when voting, not trusting my memory - too many "senior moments" lately!

But I swear to the Blessed Lady, I could NOT make myself open that car door. The feeling in the pit of my stomach - tight, tense, anxiety-knotted. Hubby finally said he was going in, and why didn't I just sit this one out. Well... THAT won't work. At the VERY least I gotta try to get these Brownback lackies out of office!

Finally, I made him promise to bail me from jail when I go overboard in protest after she two-faces on the first progressive issue. And I all but goose-stepped into the Armory. Let's just say, my attitude sucked... (gryn)

I took issue with the REAL reason behind voter ID's after the kindly (no doubt Repub) clerk asked me for mine, and then asked for my address... even tho she told me she was looking right at it on the screen. I told her if I were trying to sneak into vote illegally, I'd be a pretty stupid criminal to NOT have memorized the address, now, wouldn't I? She asked "electronic or paper ballot?" I looked at her, grinned, and asked, "which do you think I'd want?" She handed me a paper ballot. Hubby, meanwhile, walked on over to the electronic voting machine. (sigh)

I took out my notes, scanned the ballot, and decided then and there that I could NOT vote for Hillary in good conscience. I just couldn't do it! Maybe, if she hadn't been so dismissive and insulting towards us committed Bernie voters... maybe if she hadn't been so blatant in cheating him... maybe if her surrogates hadn't been so hateful and exclusive -- to the point of basically kicking us off the blog where we'd spent years feeling like we were part of the "community."

So, instead... I took exquisite pleasure in slowly and carefully filling in the oval next to Jill's name. She's not going to win, and I know it. And ESPECIALLY not in redneck teaparty Kansas! But at least I can look at myself in the mirror in the morning and not feel guilty.

Besides, as I told Hubby -- Kansas -will- go for Trump. Brownback's got most of these rubes paper-trained well; others are dealing with either survivor's guilt or PTSD from his policies and cuts. They will vote for Trump -- even if they think he's not fit for office. These people hate Hillary and Bill that much.

Heartbreak is... Bernie had caused many of my fellow Kansans to crossover and vote for him! Bernie seemed to infuse them with hope -- and courage to buck the Brownback/Koch administration, no matter the age group or demographic. He even had my die-hard "tea party conservative" former Georgian coworker eating out of the palm of his hand! Today? IF he voted, I figure he voted for Trump.

Some of us are just too hard-headed to have good sense pounded into us, I guess. Luckily, I've found good company to fall in with here at C99%.

Seriously, thank you for the strength of Spirit you all unknowingly gave me today.

And I STILL got to vote for a woman for President! I'm pretty damned proud of that!