Alison Gets "SIR"ed - A Victory Story

Alison Gets "SIR"ed - A Victory Story

Crossposted from The Transgender Boards - Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:13 pm

I'm posting this in solidarity with Lilah and all of you (us) who have had this happen, or will have this happen to us.

Today of all days I got "Sir"ed at the ice cream parlor in the lobby of the transgender building. It was my first time out in public in a skirt. It was my first session with my shrink, and I finally got off the dime and wore a skirt. Not just a skirt, but a red and gold wide-pleated boho below-the-knees skirt, lovely new sandals, a hot pink, lacey camisole top, four rings, several bracelets, a necklace, eyeliner/mascara, earrings, and a tortoise-shell hair band to keep my mane out of my eyes. Over top of this I wore my new buff-colored silk blazer ($4 at the thrift store yesterday.) My usual navy purse on one shoulder, and a hubongous bag of second-hand cookbooks I just got from the gay book down the street. I walked a fair piece through town and no one gave me a second look. (Not completely true. I got a lot of smiles from people I passed on the street.)

I looked very much like a well-dressed woman going about her business in town.

Just before arriving at the Therapy building a got a cigarette pang. Now just outside the T-bldg, I contemplated bumming or buying a single ciggie from a passerby. (A cigjunkie has no self-respect.) But I regained my composure and decided to treat myself for two feats of bravery by having a single scoop of ice cream; overcoming the pang, and wearing a skirt.

The store was empty except for the owner and a young assistant, (both male.) I began with Vanilla. The owner cajoled me into buying something more adventurous. "We can combine any flavors you choose." In the end, I opted for Mint Chocolate Chip with Coffee powder mixed in.

The Incident began when it came time to pay. The young man(YM) was at the register.

Ali: "How much is that?"
YM: "That'll be $5.40, Sir."
(I got distracted talking with the owner.)
Ali: "I'm sorry. How much did you say it was?"
YM: "$5.40, Sir."
Ali: "That's twice you've called me 'Sir'. Are you doing it on purpose? Is there anything about the way I look or the way I'm dressed that says 'SIR' to you?"
YM: (chokes up)
Ali: "I Am Transgender. This store is in the lobby of a building that serves a lot of transgender people. You may even have seen some of them here. May I suggest you pay a bit more attention to whom you are serving ice cream? Think of it as a 'sound business practice'."
YM: "I'm sorry to have offended you."
Ali: "You didn't offend me. You spoke without thinking. I'm not angry. I'm helping you to be more thoughtful in the future."

They were both speechless. (But I don't think "in a bad way.")

Ali: "You were right, the ice cream mix is delicious." And went off to my appointment.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, you're going to be "Sir"ed. But you don't have to take it lying down. You don't have to put up with it and have your self-esteem and your confidence challenged and, you don't have to have your feelings hurt.

You can and should stand up for yourself, and for all the rest of us.

Caveat, since my statements are rarely black-and-white: Choose your battles. Don't put your personal safety in jeopardy to make a point. You've going to encounter bigots. That can't be helped. But every time you meet someone who never met a transgendered person and you show them we're not monsters, we make a bit more headway toward equality.

hugs,
Alison
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from indomitable will." - Jawaharlal Nehru

Out - 6-25-16
Full Time - 7-02-16
First Electro - 7-07-16
First Therapy - 7-20-16
First Skirt in Public Day! - 7-20-16 Woohoohoohoo!

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Congrats! You have my admiration on multiple fronts!

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Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.

Alison Wunderland's picture

The advocacy tag wasn't gratuitous. I'm becoming involved in helping others avoid what I put myself through... if possible. I, along with several of the other regulars seem to have a positive effect at times. It helps others become themselves as they should be, and incidentally, helps us put some of our own pain in perspective.

hugs,
Ali

[edited for sentence structure]

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Winglioness's picture

Sounds like you dressed for success and achieved it! Thank you for gently correcting the server, by doing so you may have helped him (and his manager) to open their eyes and be more aware/courteous to those around them.

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Alison Wunderland's picture

I tried to be diplomatic. As I was leaving I spoke with the young man again to assure him that I wasn't mad at him, but that he could be more considerate. He was relieved. I'm sure now that he just woke up or something, and it was simply a foot-in-mouth incident he regretted.

hugs,
Alison

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LapsedLawyer's picture

As a cisgendered person, I find these reminders necessary to show how far I need to come to understand and empathize with the daily lives and struggles of trans folk, so I cherish and value these posts for that.

I also cherish them for reminding me of the wonderful diversity we all need to attend to in order to build a meaningful and transformative movement for all of society.

And I cherish them because they are damn good reads, and through them I meet wonderful new people.

I haven't seen any posts from you before, so allow me to welcome you to our little community.

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"Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it."
-- John Lennon

Alison Wunderland's picture

"Coming Out" is becoming a near-full-time occupation. When I describe being in the closet for 50 years and the pain it's caused myself and those around me, people have been universally appalled and also universally supportive. So, in my own little way I'm advancing equality, (If I may be so immodest.)

I've been here since April. You can wade through my content here, (such as it is.)

hugs,
Alison

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I find I've forgotten your 'before' name. Don't know how else to say it, no offense meant. I just find this curious on my part. Well done on this encounter. We all need work. That' s what living is.

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Ya got to be a Spirit, cain't be no Ghost. . .

Explain Bldg #7. . . still waiting. . .

If you’ve ever wondered whether you would have complied in 1930’s Germany,
Now you know. . .
sign at protest march

Sorry you got misaddressed. This cis dude says that although it's not for everyone, West Philly seems pretty welcoming to the whole LGBTQ* community, and has only gotten moreso in the 15 years i've lived and worked here.

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Not me -- US!

kharma's picture

I bet that kid learned a little about respect. Nice way to handle it Alison.

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There is nothing which I dread so much as a division of the republic into two great parties.. This...is to be dreaded as the greatest political evil under our Constitution.--John Adams

TheOtherMaven's picture

(The Original Series) If I recall correctly (IIRC), all the Bridge crew were officers, and they were all addressed as "Sir". Even Yeoman [sic!] Rand.

I don't know if that's going to be a practical solution for the real future (assuming there is one). But it's an issue to think about.

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There is no justice. There can be no peace.

Alison Wunderland's picture

We have more than enough fucking "Sirs" causing mischief without letting them get swelled heads and perpetuating more misogyny. Geld the lot of them, except for a few prime specimens for breeding stock.

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PriceRip's picture

          I hold a rather unpopular opinion. The foundation of that opinion is that our language is the product of a blend of "natural" as well as "sociological" forces. Your

enough fucking "Sirs"

is primarily the result of sociological forces, and, as such, should be correctable over a short time, but isn't because of

letting them get swelled heads and perpetuating more misogyny

and other such things.
          My unpopular opinion is that this type of problem is more fundamental in that it is found in examples of natural language as well. What I mean by that is we describe nature and natural processes using a language that is the product of our very long evolutionary past. We have a mental framing software that is conditioned by those same millions of years of evolution. This is not trivial in that changing these long established mental structures will require nothing short of software upgrade unprecedented in the history of mankind . . . (case in point, if you get the self referential nature of this exercise).
          I usually use examples from my own discipline to point out that we need to seriously rewrite science textbooks to properly reflect our new understanding of physical reality. How can this be any less important with respect to our understanding of sociological reality.
          If any of the above makes any sense, then well and good: If what I have written makes no sense, then this is just one more case of failure . . .

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blazinAZ's picture

Beautifully handled, Alison.

And thanks so much for the detailed description of your outfit! I love thrift stores, and it sounds like you do too.

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There is no justice in America, but it is the fight for justice that sustains you.
--Amiri Baraka

mimi's picture

I am a little nervous to say something that might be painful to you. I hope it won't happen and hope I will learn from you. It's hard for me to imagine what this "coming out" feels to you and how much courage one needs to do it.
Kudos. You are a brave woman.

I fear again my lack of memory. I forgot if you had posted your personal story of being a transgender woman before, if you did, and I just didn't remember it, I would like to express my sincere apologies. My mind starts to scare me.

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