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That joke is stolen.
No, it's just been recycled.

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If at first you don't succeed...
Then skydiving isn't for you.

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Dave saw a sign that said, “Free Tibet!”
Since he couldn’t beat that price, he took it.

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Why is Communism one of the most ironic words?
It's Capitalized.

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A man named Dave is driving along a country road and he sees a sign:
"$5 for talking dog, turn here."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, Dave decides to check it out.
So Dave turns onto the driveway to the farm, and the farmer comes out.

Farmer: You here about the dog?
Dave: Yeah, does the dog really talk?
Farmer: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

Dave and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed.
The dog sees them and walks over to them.

Farmer: Go on, ask him anything.
Dave says: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.

To Dave's surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and in proper English.

Dog: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was really good at my job too, I got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US Army picked me up as a bomb-sniffing dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country, even overseas. After a while I retired, I found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.

Dave is stunned.
He says to the farmer: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?
Farmer: Cause he's a liar, he didn't do any of that! He was in the Navy.

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Dave and his dog go in a bar and Dave orders a beer for himself and his dog.
The bartender refused to serve the dog and Dave told the bartender that the dog had asked for the drink himself.
When the bartender doubted the owner he asked for proof:
- Dave said, "Ok Fido what does sandpaper feel like?"
- "Rough, rough," the dog replied.
- Dave said, "Alright, whats on top of a house?"
- "Roof, roof!" the dog replied.
The bartender looked amazed yet confused and proclaimed he needed more convincing.
- Dave said, "Ok then Fido, who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"
- "Ruth! Ruth!" said the dog.
The bartender, now furious, kicks the man and his dog out of the bar.
As they walk away the dog turns to Dave and says "Well what should I have said, Joe DiMagio?”

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Dave is in a butcher's shop when in comes a dog with a note and a bag hanging from his collar. The butcher reads the note, puts a half pound of meat in the bag and takes money from it. He gives the dog his change and off the little fella goes.

Dave is fascinated and thinks to himself that he has to see where the dog goes. He follows the dog down to the bus stop, where the dog sits and waits. The first bus comes along and the dog checks the sign. But it wasn't his bus, so he sits back down. Same with the second and third. Finally, the dog hops on the next bus, followed by Dave.

The bus driver takes the note, reads it and then rummages in the bag for the change from the butcher's shop. It's exactly enough for the fare. Dave is absolutely stunned by this point. After a few miles, the dog jumps up and presses the button to get off at the next stop. Dave gets off with him, and follows the dog to a house where he sees him drag a lawn chair over to the front door to ring the doorbell. After ringing it a few times the door comes flying open and the dog's owner barges out and proceeds to kick the dog.

"Woah woah, woah," Dave shouts, stepping between dog and owner. "What are you doing? That dog is a genius".

"A genius?" the owner replies. "Genius? Are you joking me? That's the fourth time this week he forgot his keys".

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Dave saw a farmer playing checkers with a pig.
Dave said: "That's the smartest pig I've ever seen!"
The farmer said: "He ain't so smart, I've beaten him three out of the last four games."

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A woman dressed in fancy clothes is walking down the street carrying a pig under her arm.
A man calls out, "Where'd you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

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Dave knows everybody.
But one man didn't believe him, so Dave took the guy to Boston and they hung out with Tom Brady.

The man said, "That's cool, but that doesn't mean you know everybody, let's stop by New York and see Stephen Colbert."

When they got to NY Dave walked right into the studio with the fellow and they hung out with Colbert, but the guy still didn't believe Dave could know everybody.

Dave said, "How about the Pope, will that convince you?"

"C'mon, you don't know the Pope ..."

"Let's go," he said, and they flew to the Vatican. When they got there Dave said, "Not everybody can get in to see the Pope. How about I go in to see him and come out on the balcony with him and wave, will that be OK?"

"Sure."

So Dave goes in and then comes out on the balcony with the Pope. When Dave came back down the dude was passed out. Dave shakes him and wakes him, saying, "What happened, what's wrong?"

The guy comes around and says, "I could take it when you knew Tom Brady, and I could take it when you knew Colbert, I could even swallow it when you knew the Pope. But when a man in the crowd tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the balcony, saying, 'Who's that up there with Dave?' that's when I just passed out!"

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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he too bent his ear to the grave, and listened for a moment, then said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backward."

He listened a while longer, and then said, "Oh, there's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backward, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening as the backward music kept playing, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

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A fellow gets sent to prison, and in the exercise room another fellow yells out, "5674," and everybody laughs.

Another fellow yells out, "9979," and everybody laughs.

The new prisoner is puzzled, so he asks another inmate what is going on. The other prisoner says, "Well, we've all been in here for quite a while and we've heard all the jokes before, so we just gave all the jokes numbers, and so instead of wasting time we just call out the numbers of our favorite jokes."

Well, the new prisoner thinks about this, and decides to give it a try himself and yells out, "#7958," but nobody laughs. So he goes back to the prisoner who had told him about the joke numbering system and asks what's up.

The other prisoner says, "You just don't tell it right."

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