Every year around this time the wingers get into some sort of panty-twist about Christmas carols.

This annum the Outrage concerns a holiday concert in Blaine, Minnesota, where Good Christian Children shall be subjected to a Ramadan song that includes the words "Allahu Akbar."

"No child should be forced to sing a song about the Muslims and the religion of hatred," wept one winger on the Facebook.

Another parent, who didn’t want to be identified, told WCCO by phone that considering the recent events in Paris and San Bernardino, singing a song about Allah would be "insensitive."

Studies persistently Show that levels of moronism are at an all-time high there in Minnesota. "We can't even measure it anymore," one researcher complained. "It broke the charts."

Minnesota is well known as the state where it is so cold that most of the year residents must employ for many hours blowtorches and icepicks to thaw out sufficiently to engage in sexual congress.

While the Ramadan song mentions brotherhood and peace, the district says that any student who doesn’t feel comfortable singing it doesn’t have to. Their grade will not be affected.

"Allahu Akbar" just means "god is great," and Muslims say it all the time, kinda like Christians say "Amen," or "One Way" . . . or "I'm a warrior for the babies!" But the Americans, they watch the television, and look into the intertubes, and so they think no one ever says "Allahu Akbar!" except when they are about to blow up a Burger King.

The same no-minds had no problem at all with the serial killers vomiting "For God And Country!" as they blew big holes in Osama bin Laden. The serial killers later presented the Kenyan with a little flag emblazoned with the words "For God And Country" that commemorated their bin Laden bulleting. The Kenyan said he would store the relic "somewhere private and meaningful to me." Informed sources claim that place is his bunghole.

A couple years ago a teacher in a town up the road here had a breakdown that required her to propose a ballot initiative that would require all the state's schoolchildren to emit Christmas carols.

"This is to make sure that we are allowed to have Christmas carols, and no school board member or principal is going to tell us, 'no, you may not play "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" in your classroom,'" said the woman, whose name—no joke—was Merry Susan Hyatt.

Hyatt was convinced the failure of state schools to command children to intone "Silent Night" was responsible for schoolyard violence and other upbubblings from Hell.

"The kids don't have a moral compass," she said. "It's not much, but I think it [Christmas carols] would help."

Hyatt said she's been surprised at the level of violence in many elementary school classrooms where she has taught, and she believes it's because Jesus isn't present in Christmas celebrations.

"You have to invite Jesus to have him work in your life," she said, adding that if you have a Christmas party without Jesus, he won't help. "He's the prince of peace; he's the only one who can get these kids to stop being so violent."

Hyatt asserted that once students were required to repeatedly recite "Good King Wenceslas," then Good would reign.

I sent this woman a note suggesting a number of multidenominational carols she might include in her program. Like "O Hopi Night," "Hark, Hear Shakti's Bells They Ring," "Good King Vlad The Impaler," "Oh Come Allah's Faithful," "Carol of the Baal," "What Cthulhu Is This," and "Thor Rest Ye Merry Mayhem Men." But I never heard back.

Joe Ratzinger, ex-pope, once wrote a crabby book called Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives, in which the former Hitler-hewer crossly contends that the angels that attended Jesus' birth did not sing, but rather spoke, and therefore Christians should just bugger right off with all the Christmas carols.

According to the Rat-writ, "when the gospels refer to the 'heavenly host' of angels 'praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest,"' they in fact spoke the words rather than sang them."

Also in this book, Rats snarls that those who claim Jesus was born in Nazareth, which he was, rather than in Bethlehem, as the song would have it, are heretics, who should just be burnt.

Elsewhere in the tome, the vagina-fearing Ratzinger, once worldwide head of Occupy Womb Street, foams at the mouth and rolls on the floor at the notion that Jesus was the product of a pee-pee pumping waves and particles into Mary’s holy of holies.

[He] insists that the doctrine of the virgin birth be taken at face value and that it is an "unequivocal" pillar of Christian belief.

In a section of the book entitled "Virgin Birth—Myth or Historical Truth?", he reaffirms that Christ was not conceived through sexual intercourse but by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Ratzinger book finally lies that there were no animals present at Jesus' birth.

[C]ontrary to popular belief, Jesus's birth was not presided over by oxen, asses, camels or indeed any other beasts.

"There is no mention of animals in the Gospels," he wrote[.]

Despite what this dope says, it is in truth a well-known Fact that not only were animals all over the dern place, there in the manger, but, furthermore, and because they were so nice that night to the new god-man, said god-man fixed it so that every year, on the night of the anniversary of his birth, all the animals all over the world get to talk in human language, if they feel like it. One time at a Paper I ran we printed a transcript of the Christmas Eve ruminations of rats caged up in the university Rat Lab. If Rat-boy really wants to know what's happening, he should go spend Christmas Eve in a rat lab.

But no. This is the guy who quit in a snit because they wouldn't let him wear his swastika armband for midnight mass. They were all pretty relieved, there in the Vatican, when Rats threw his tantrum, and abandoned the pope chair. Because he was starting to go dotty. Increasingly retreating into his early years, when he served as one of Hitler's finest. While riding around in the popemobile he would occasionally spasm out the "Sieg Heil!" salute, and he had begun darkly mumbling about "the Hebrews." So they shuffled him off to some hut where he could play "The Horst Wessel Song" at top volume while mournfully diddling an altar boy or two.

Now they have in the pope chair this Jesuit, who is too depressed to have Christmas.

I tried to read a story about whatever this is with the "data" and Clinton II and the cranky Brooklyn deli man, but it was so stupid and boring my eyes started to bleed, so I went across the street and looked at fish.

This week's opinion polls: 69% of the Hairball voters believe 44% of the Uncle Ben Carson voters eat 16% of the popcorn in 92% of the movie theaters. Some 44% of the Kasich voters believe 13% of the Cranky Brooklyn Deli Man voters should own 47% of the firearms, but only if 19% of them use 33% of said firearms on 89% of the Clinton II voters. More than 92% of the Cruz voters believe 61% of the Bush III voters are 73% lizard-people. And 38% of the Ayn Rand Paul voters believe 88% of the Kenyan was fathered by 14% of the Frank Marshall Davis penis.

If you walk through a doorway, you Forget. No, I am not making this up. It's real, goddamit.

The researchers say that when you pass through a doorway, your mind compartmentalizes your actions into separate episodes. Having moved into a new episode, the brain archives the previous one, making it less available for access. It’s as if you slam a mental door between what you knew and…what was I saying?

This is why by the time I get into the kitchen, I can never remember what I'm doing in there. If there weren't a toilet sitting there in the bathroom, I would have no clue why I went into that room, either. Generally I get so disoriented, passing through all these doorways and arches in this house, I just lay down on the couch and go to sleep. The other day I did that and in a dream I ate LSD. That was a new one. Usually I'm not real happy when I wake up, but this time was particularly a drag.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UnnOkWFDvw]

Below is the full text of the email that caused the potentates of the Los Angeles Unified School District to stream urine down their legs, closing all the schools and shrieking for the children to stay home cowering under their beds.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

I am emailing you to inform you of the happenings on Tuesday, 12/15/15. Something big is going down. Something very big. It will make national headlines. Perhaps, even international ones. You see, my last 4 years here at one of the district high schools has been absolute hell. Pure, unmitigated, agony. The bullying, the loneliness, the rejection... it is never-ending. And for what? Just because I’m ‘different’?

No. No more. I am a devout Muslim, and was once against violence, but I have teamed up with a local jihadist cell as it is the only way I’ll be able to accomplish my massacre the correct way. I would not be able to do it alone. Me, and my 32 comrades, will die tomorrow in the name of Allah. Every school in the L.A. Unified district is being targeted. We have bombs hidden in lockers already at several schools. They are strategically placed and are meant to crumble the foundations of the very buildings that monger so much hate and discrimination. They are pressure cooker bombs, hidden in backpacks around the schools. They are loaded with 20 lbs. of gunpowder, for maximum damage. They will be detonated via Cell Phone. Not only are there bombs, but there are nerve gas agents set to go off at a specific time: during lunch hour. To top it off, my brothers in Allah and I have Kalashnikov rifles, Glock 18 Machine pistols, and multiple handheld grenades. The students at every school in the L.A. Unified district will be massacred, mercilessly. And there is nothing you can do to stop it.

If you do end up trying to, by perhaps, beefing up security, or canceling classes for the day, it won’t matter. Your security will not be able to stop us. We are an army of Allah. If you cancel classes, the bombings will take place regardless, and we will bring our guns to the streets and offices of Los Angeles, San Bernardino, Bakersfield, and San Diego.

I wish you the best luck. It is time to pray to allah, as this may be your last day.

What were the thinking? The urinators? The thing is so obvious and over-the-top it couldn't possibly be serious. But they have now, the urinators, set the bar so low, that they're pretty much every day going to have to close the schools and send the children home to hang out with the dust bunnies under the bed. And who knows. Maybe that's for the best.

Speaking of terrorists, the latest installment in the most popular film franchise ever is now out there, wantonly converting the children to the terrorist cause.

Obi Wan—a religious fanatic with a history of looking for young boys to recruit and teach an extreme interpretation of the Force—is practically salivating when he stumbles upon Luke, knowing he’s found a prime candidate for radicalization. Within moments of meeting Luke, Obi-Wan tells Luke he must abandon his family and join him, going so far as telling a shocking lie that the Empire killed Luke’s father, hoping to inspire Luke to a life of jihad.

Shocked and confused by this onslaught of terrorist brainwashing, Luke hurries home only to find the charred corpses of his aunt and uncle. The Empire’s accidental harming of Luke’s Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen can be directly compared to the casualties of President Obama's drone campaign, whose body count terrorists capitalize upon for recruitment. This is precisely what Obi-Wan does, preying upon Luke's emotional state to take him under his spell and towards a life of extremism.

Obi-Wan whisks Luke off to Mos Eisley using a Jedi mind trick to bypass security, knowing full well he likely appears on numerous terror no fly lists. After contracting a local drug smuggler for transportation, Obi-Wan and his newest Skywalker recruit are off. They are soon captured, however, and attempt an escape which culminates in a battle between Obi-Wan and Vader. During the fight, Obi-Wan notices Luke watching, and seeing an opportunity to fully inspire Luke to radicalize, says a Jedi prayer while committing suicide.

Once Luke escapes and regroups with a terror sleeper cell, he joins them on an attack mission. As he nears his target, hearing Obi-Wan's words in his mind, Luke closes his eyes, says a prayer and bombs a space station, killing everyone aboard.

Obi-Wan appears to Luke as an apparition and gives him clear instructions on continuing his radicalization. Luke is ordered to travel overseas to receive training and religious instruction from Yoda, an extremist cleric who runs a Jedi madrasa on Dagobah.

Yoda accepts Luke into his religious "school," teaching Luke Jedi fundamentalism and guerilla warfare. Like many extremist mullahs, Yoda demands total adherence to his strict interpretation of the Force and seeks to strip Luke of independent thinking. Yoda's push to radicalize Luke, rob him of an identity, and instill obedience are apparent when at various points he instructs Luke to "Clear your mind of questions," "Unlearn what you have learned" and, most grimly, "Do, or do not, there is no try." The Jedi know it is imperative to force mindless devotion in warriors they recruit for their holy war. Armed with new combat training and cloaked in a hardline religious fervor, Luke leaves Dagobah, impatient to put his terror training to use.

And so on.

The horror. The horror.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yixG8pfncOs]

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbEEQxtnkHE]

That's all for now, folks. The rain, it keeps a-rainin', and so I got to see a man about an ark, for all these animals.