HOA guidelines referencing your Home.

Notice #1372

Greetings fellow humans...

We the HOA wish to complain about your home's failure to properly comply with Living Impaired Accessibility. Specifically the removal of staircases which you deliberately and maliciously performed without consulting either the HOA or the local fire safety inspector, who has an additional complaint referenced in earlier letters.

We'd first like to address the concerns you have with regards to your children. You have stated anti-living impaired rhetoric in their earshot and repeatedly stated that you won't have your child grow up to be "A damn Zombie" in earshot of others. This kind of hate speech is just intolerable, and we believe you should be re-educated through a long process of understanding the living impaired. Try living among them for a while instead of assuming that they all just want to eat your brains. That kind of stereotype is just hurtful and teaching it to your children is the height of arrogance and living privilege. Until you are a fit parent, we therefore demand that you surrender your children to the proper authorities, any local living impaired will be fine and they will ensure proper education until you are able to again resume the responsibility which you have clearly abdicated.

Secondly, your continued assault on the values of our society. Your constant "Scavenging Runs" into the areas clearly marked as Living Impaired Habitats are a unconscionable offense against our American way of life. As you know, even if the living who make up the corporation are dead, they in no way forfeit their property rights. As a result, the constant theft of Living Impaired property is both egregious and has malice aforethought. The statement that the "Dead have no use for it" is clearly communist, as it suggests that only those who are able to make use of said property should have ownership of it. I would advise you that it is the investors that made this country, and we would be absolutely nowhere without them. Therefore your actions are in violation of the contract you signed when moving into this neighborhood, and you need to vacate the premises immediately.

Finally, The claim that the "living have the right to exist" is a cheap scare tactic. Nobody is claiming that you must become living impaired. You simply cannot exclude the living impaired from your spaces. All we are asking for is equal treatment, and your living privilege is on full display with your refusal to comply.

The idea that you are somehow better than the Living impaired seems a bit at odds with reality. Did you build the house that you are in? Of course not, a currently living impaired did that. Did you create the food that you depend on to survive? (A grotesque mockery of the natural order, I might add, not that there's anything wrong with that. Love the sinner, after all.) No, you didn't, a living impaired did that. Did you create that gun that you use to shoot numerous living impaired in the head? (See the previous murder indictments for details.) No, A living impaired did that.

Your bigotry is on display with your every action as you steadfastly refuse to grant the living impaired the rights that you claim. You must understand that the future is living impaired, and you can either accept that and live among us in peace, or risk further letters with regards to this, until the legal action is fully decided and eviction procedures are implemented. (See Previous Eviction notices and actions by deputized Living Impaired. [See Murder charges and documentation #240-352])

With Deepest Respect,
Father Edward Brighton, HOA President.

P.S. : See you at the Prayer vigil tonight. I know it sounds like moaning to you, but your steadfast refusal to take Zombese is embarrassing to us as a nation.

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detroitmechworks's picture

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2 users have voted.

I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Raggedy Ann's picture

are that I don't have to live under an HOA. This was hilarious! Pleasantry

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4 users have voted.

Women are human beings, not prey.
(I forgot where I read it although it might have been in The Intercept)

detroitmechworks's picture

@Raggedy Ann I just imagined this in yet another in a long line of complaints from the Zombie HOA, which just has "Concerns" about the house, and want to "Just pop in for a second, really!". (Who knows, but if all you have is time, eventually you're gonna try EVERYTHING...)

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1 user has voted.

I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

@Raggedy Ann

Detroit had me going for a minute. I had to hurriedly scroll through to find out if I had lost my mind.

We have a house on a lane with an easement through the property for backlot owners to access the beach. Long story short, we may all end up in court because I am not going to let them mow down 120 square feet of 150+ year old trees when the access they've been using for 40 years hasn't notably changed, unless 9" constitutes major.

While a condo's upside sounds great, no way in hell I want to be joined at the hip. Yet, zoning ordinance do the same. Maybe it is the power mad throne seekers that run them.

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5 users have voted.

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."--Napoleon

Raggedy Ann's picture

@dkmich
I don't think my county knows there might be deed restrictions. We build stuff on the property without permits because, they, frankly, don't care! There are advantages to living in a bassackwards state. Pleasantry

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5 users have voted.

Women are human beings, not prey.
(I forgot where I read it although it might have been in The Intercept)

Thank you for the smiles!

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3 users have voted.
detroitmechworks's picture

@HenryAWallace IMHO, HOA's are the most obvious modern "Tax Collector" that we all want to tar and feather. Genius of the IRS was making it impersonal. When they audit, they're actually doing the opposite of the reason they exist, which is to diffuse the responsibility of taxation...

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1 user has voted.

I do not pretend I know what I do not know.