Doing What He loved...

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Thank you to the community of C99. I have read and re-read all the wonderful comments, poems and listened to the music you sent my way. So much of what you said has become a permanent place in my heart that will give me solace as I move forward in my life learning how to continue with such a void. Divine Order and I celebrated our 48th anniversary this past December and were seldom apart so this is a new learning experience for me. Your kind words will help me as I move along this path.

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This community of souls is such a wonderful place to belong. Most of us have never met each other but the words you shared in your thoughts about Divine Order are so true to his character and his beliefs. This is part of what makes this such a very special place. It is in the writing and dialogue that we share that allows us to understand and respect each other even if we never meet on life's highway and we somehow seem to know each other as your words have expressed what he stood for in your mind. It is all so true and your kind words and thoughts will go a long way in the path I will be moving forward on.

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Many of you asked if there was anything you could do. I am now living my life alone surrounded by friends and family but it is something new for me. Some of you shared your own experience in dealing with loss and I am open to any ways you can offer to make this easier.

His sister summed up what many of you said as well, " he is in a better place and he transcended from a place (Costa Rica) that he loved, doing what he loved with the woman he loved. I will take that card when my time comes. I know we don't get to choose but I can hope."

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Thanks for all the love and support from C99 and I will continue to participate in all the dialogue that is so enriching and necessary in the times we live in.

Jakkalbessie

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Comments

D.O. is living on within you. Thanks for making us feel a part. Know it's hard. This site has some really good emotional benefits, caring and supportive. Want to share more of the solutions experienced.
Hoping the best for you and family.

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36 users have voted.

May we be united and strong -- laurel

Pricknick's picture

You seem to have already found what you need to move forward.
Memories, family and friendship will no doubt see you through.
Peace be with you.

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35 users have voted.

Regardless of the path in life I chose, I realize it's always forward, never straight.

snoopydawg's picture

Jakkalbessie, I'm glad that our words brought you some comfort during what had to be a very difficult time. divineorder looks close to how I have pictured him in my mind and I knew that he would have a great smile. This always came through in his comments. He is missed that's for sure.

This community of souls is such a wonderful place to belong.

I'm having a hard time trying to find the words to say to you, but just know that I have been thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. Glad to hear that you will continue to stay involved with our blue blog.

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36 users have voted.

America is a pathetic nation; a fascist state fueled by the greed, malice, and stupidity of her own people.
- strife delivery

Lookout's picture

We are retired teachers too...together for 40 years. I miss his positive vibe here, and can only imagine the loss you feel.

My grandmother went to bed and woke up dead...and I've often expressed that as my desire when my time comes...but now Divineorder has set a much higher goal.

Peace to you, your family, and our whole community. Thanks for your essay.

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33 users have voted.

“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

janis b's picture

@Lookout

My grandmother went to bed and woke up dead...and I've often expressed that as my desire when my time comes...but now Divineorder has set a much higher goal.

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18 users have voted.

@janis b

through no fault of my own, I hasten to add.

Almost waking up dead is a painful, difficult, often expensive, but highly-effective lesson. I don't regret learning it and I'm not sure I would have learned it any other way. So, I can't regret it.

I can't post about waking up dead because, obviously, I've never had that experience.

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earthling1's picture

@HenryAWallace
I wake up dead several times a night.
Not breathing.
Sleep apnea.

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earthling1's picture

@earthling1
Thank you so much Jakkalbessie for letting us know how you are doing.
For days now I couldn't get DO out of my mind. And Native.
Most of us are getting up there and it's difficult talking to the younger generations. They seem to find our wisdom and experience incredulous.
You are right, this is a place of kindred spirits.
I am certain Divineorder saw it the same.
I, and everyone else are here for you, whenever you need.

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@janis b

working in his garden. To die quickly while doing what you love with those you love - what a way to go.

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14 users have voted.

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."--Napoleon

Shahryar's picture

Many of us care about what you're going through. Hopefully that caring will be of some comfort.

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31 users have voted.

especially the first one, express what I feel about you both, that you have helped so much to move our world discussion toward peace. Thank you so much for sharing these images. Bless you.

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25 users have voted.
Unabashed Liberal's picture

and thoughts that you've shared with us this evening.

It has been an honor, joy, and flat-out blessing to have the opportunity to spend time with you and DO for the past several years. As I may have already mentioned, (for me) any discussion of healthcare--especially, Medicare, MA, Part D, and, of course, MFA--will never be the same, without him.

I have a little anecdote to share about his dedication to Medicare, when I can access my library of screenshots. It so perfectly illustrates that DO never missed a beat, when it came to advocating for our Medicare program. Wink

If you every need to talk, I'm a PM away.

I'm very happy to see you, here. I'm betting DO would be, as well.

Take good care of yourself.

PleasantryBlue Onyx

“I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive.”
~~Gilda Radner, Comedienne

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Everyone thinks they have the best dog, and none of them are wrong.

janis b's picture

@Unabashed Liberal

and worked for. Thank you too Mollie, and all, for your good work.

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Unabashed Liberal's picture

@janis b @janis b

thank you for your kind and generous words.

Just so you know, I very much appreciate the wonderful knack you have for lifting up Everyone around you. It helps more than words could ever express.

PleasantryMollie

“I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive.”
~~Gilda Radner, Comedienne

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15 users have voted.

Everyone thinks they have the best dog, and none of them are wrong.

janis b's picture

@Unabashed Liberal

Thank you.

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12 users have voted.
Pluto's Republic's picture

You know, we really need to talk about some of these life transitions more often. Share some wisdom and advice. We probably all hold that perfect piece of information that would lighten someone else's load, if we knew to pass it on. How does that saying go?

Everyone that you meet is fighting a great battle. So, be kind.

I think about that lately. And try to put things into perspective. I'm happy to read that you have family and good friends in your life. What you've had to do must have been so difficult. Yet you bring us these wonderful pictures and lift our hearts. They really are great to see.

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27 users have voted.

The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself.
– Albert Camus
gulfgal98's picture

by this beautiful tribute to your love and to the wonderful world and times you spent together. There is so much beauty in this post that any words that I might try to write are inadequate to express how much you both have meant to us here at C99. My heart goes out to you, jakkalbessie and I thank you for this incredible post. Much love to you from all of us here.

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25 users have voted.

"I don't want to run the empire, I want to bring it down!" ~Dr. Cornel West

"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." John F Kennedy

Raggedy Ann's picture

Welcome back. It’s wonderful to ‘hear’ your voice again. You’re healing and we’re here to help.

When my late husband passed, it was just as do. At the time, all I could think of was how this was pure trauma. Your life is one way in the morning and completely different in the afternoon.

I’m so happy you’ve come up for air. We will help provide the oxygen you’ll need.

do was loved here and so are you. Pleasantry

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25 users have voted.

“The trouble [with injustice] is that once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And once you’ve seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political an act as speaking out. There is no innocence. Either way, you’re accountable.”
-- Arundhati Roy

It will be the little things. Learning to cook for 1. Maybe getting up on Sunday morning to make your own coffee instead of hubby "surprising" you with coffee in bed, fluffed up pillows, the Sunday newspaper...
But you will adjust.
Don't ever forget that you and do were on the same page. Stay on that page. Travel. Enjoy your friends and make new ones and go on safari when the opportunity is afforded.
My husband on his deathbed gave me the best advice I got from anyone, and that was to keep my life as regular and routine without him as possible, and make minor changes slowly and thoughtfully. He knew I wanted to pack up, sell out, leave the horrors of his 7 years of illness. I was ready to disappear into Mexico City and try my hand at just being a taxi driver!
Instead, I tweaked daily life, tweaked goals, tweaked habits, and although I miss him 21 years now, my wonderful life is rich, full of friends, full of adventures, and it is a 24/7 honoring of him that I do so.
You may pm me at anytime, may call me at any time, and I will certainly help you through those fits and spurts of sadness that will come.
After all, you loved him. There is no shame in having a sinking spell.

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24 users have voted.
studentofearth's picture

Everyone walks a different path on their journey of grief and adjusting into a different life path.

If you need to simply be around someone or a group who understand loosing a loved one, many communities have a hospice program that are available to anyone, not just to those enrolled or their families. Drop in support groups, one on one support or visit are examples of some of the programs. Sometimes simply sitting in silence with someone who has walked the path is enough.

Please take extra care of your health. Part of your heart had a sudden jolt and needs to heal. If you are busy comforting those around you, the full impact of the change may be delayed. The advice to make changes slowly step by step is wise.

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20 users have voted.

Still yourself, deep water can absorb many disturbances with minimal reaction.
--When the opening appears release yourself.

enhydra lutris's picture

no wisdom or solutions appropriate for this, so all I can say is that I and everybody else here wish you nothing but all the best. Please don't be a stranger.

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18 users have voted.

That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --

janis b's picture

for your beautiful expression of love and appreciation. There is so much wisdom here in the comments for you to find comfort in. I'm sure you'll find your own unique ways of living life as it is now. Always feel comfort in just being yourself.

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15 users have voted.
mimi's picture

I truly think there was something divine in your life you lived together.

May you find consolation in your friends and family and be strong going on.

Warm wishes and tight hugs for you through the ether.

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14 users have voted.

in those photographs.

In the same six months, my mother-in-law passed from liver failure due to well-hidden alcoholism; my mother passed suddenly and, as far as we could tell, in her sleep, probably from heart failure due to her high blood pressure; and my father-in law died of cancer, after maybe five surgeries during a very short period. The hardest death for me was my mom's and not because I did not love my in-laws. I did and still do.

As you've experienced, a sudden death is very difficult for the survivors, especially when contrasted so starkly with the comparative slow deterioration of alcoholism and cancer. However, I hope and believe that my mother did not suffer very long, if at all. And, much as I would give anything for even five more minutes with her, I would not trade my discomfort at her sudden death for the discomfort that she would have experienced from a long, terminal illness.

If divineorder had to die so soon, I am glad he did not suffer a long time and glad for you that you did not have to be at his side while he suffered. I consider both a blessing.

As for the grief, comforters like us cannot do much beyond empathy and sorrow, especially those of us who had only a virtual relationship with your husband. (I never cease to marvel at how attached I become to someone's fonts!)

In the flesh comforters can give more help, both physical and emotional. But, the most healing help comes from the passage of Time. You will, of course, always love your husband, but the grief of losing him lessens with Time, even if you don't want it to lessen.

Keep doing things you enjoy and remember to revel in every positive current event and feeling and every pleasant memory; and be receptive to healing. That's all I know to do. Time will do the rest, I promise.

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14 users have voted.

I have long thought the world of you both. May you be well and may you be comforted by the support of friends and family. Thank you for all that both of you have meant to this community and the world at large. I found so much to admire about D-O. I am appreciative of all he did as a bright, generous and caring soul. If only we had more like him. Thank you again for this post. Much love, my friend.

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13 users have voted.
smiley7's picture

to us for a long time. Over the years, enjoying the travelogue and insights enriched my life and others. When i saw a post from do, a little magic light would bring an immediate smile to my face, knowing i was about to read something good and full of content or witness a beautiful photograph; my favorite memory is the photo of you two in a tent sitting at table having a glass of wine with an enormous elephant standing just outside.

Joining everyone to say, i'm here for you, a pm or phone call away.

I wrote the following poem and posted it on Saturday's OT; in case you missed it:

For do

Live

in curiosity
sharing peace
optimistically
teaching
friendship
love
nature and
community

do

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15 users have voted.

When it rains, may you find a puddle to play in. The many fond memories you made together should be of great comfort.

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11 users have voted.

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."--Napoleon

Cant Stop the Macedonian Signal's picture

I wish I had words of wisdom to offer, but, alas, I am just beginning to learn what I need to learn about loss. I'm very bad at it.

So just know that, like a lot of people here, I care about what happens to you.

Wishing you peace.

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12 users have voted.

Actually, the issue at stake is patriotism. You must return to your world and put an end to the Commies. All it takes are a few good men.
--Q

Exit polls not involving George W. Bush or Hillary Clinton tend to be quite accurate.
--Doug Hatlem

orlbucfan's picture

I have been to Costa Rica as hubby has two old pals who are permanent residents there. It's not called Pura Vida-Ville for nothing. It is a beautiful, forward thinking country. Loved the pics DO would post. Two truths that I will bear witness to:
1-Time does ease the pain and sorrow of losing loved ones;
2-Writing is one of the greatest psychotherapies in existence.
Please always take great good care. Know that DO is definitely beyond the stars now. SmileRec'd!

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" Our solutions to the climate crisis must match the demands of physics."
c/o truthout

Anja Geitz's picture

I started working on a family scrapbook, lovingly filling it with pictures and mementos and taking refuge in my memories as a way of dealing with my grief and shock. It was as if my mind and my emotions had suffered an injury and needed sanctuary to heal.

The pain of losing someone we love is not unlike the trauma your body suffers after a physical injury. Except in this instance it's your mind and heart that is the open wound. Be gentle with yourself and remember that the pain you are feeling is a sign you are able to feel love and loss. Find comfort where you can and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, even if it's a little frightening right now; that's normal.

My very wise and empathetic Sister bought the both of us a book about loss that I have shared many times with friends and family over the years. It's both an informative book but also a very human book with poems and suggestions of what "to do" when there is nothing to be done. Perhaps you might find it comforting as well.

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I will leave you with one of the poems from the book that spoke to me because it allowed and encouraged me to feel whatever I was feeling without the pretense of being "okay" for everyone else. Because sometimes I wasn't okay, and I wanted to be okay with not being okay. I wish you love and courage in your journey ahead. Please let us know if there is anything we can do...

What do I do
now that you're gone?

well, when there's
nothing else going on,
which is quite often,
I sit in a corner and
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.

Paralyzed motionless,
for awhile, nothing
moving
inside or out.

then I think
how much I miss you.

then I feel
fear
pain
loneliness
desolation.

then
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel

interesting pastime.

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10 users have voted.

There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier

shaharazade's picture

You two as a couple always gave me a thrill. As a partner in a loving lasting loving relationship I cannot imagine life without him. Yet I know it will come one way or another, we are all mortal. When I heard about Divine Order I too thought he died doing what he loved with the one he loved the most. So sorry does not cut it when you lose someone you love so much. Don't know what to say other then thank you Divine Order you gave me faith in humanity and always offered positive energy and thoughtfulness. Thank you Jakkalbessie for writing this and sharing your thoughts. I hope you stay in touch as both of you are part of the wonderful online community that I have come over the years to know and love.

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JekyllnHyde's picture

jb, thank you so much for sharing your personal thoughts and photographs.

A certain amount of joy and optimism permeated do's online posts. For that, and more, we are very grateful to have been a small part of his life.

Good luck to you!

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8 users have voted.

A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma