Forget the issues, ladies and gentlemen (and children of all ages). The undisputed cage match of the year will not be brought to you by the UFC. No, it will be purveyed to us by the Presidential Debate Commission, the outfit which represents the duopoly, ignoring aspiring challengers for appearance in the arena.

The two opponents as most of you already know are Hacking Hillary and Dubious Don. One flamboyant and the other staid. Now pre-fight examinations by cage physicians will be carefully monitored by David Brock and Ivanka Trump. The weigh-in will be kept private, although body-double rumors continue to plague the Clinton camp, that Hilarious might not be up to fighting weight.

Watch for low blows, deftly administered by either party. Watch for infectious phlegm being hurled. Watch for bursting bombast. Do not sit in the first few rows unless you enjoy wearing excrement on your clothes.

The Marquis de Sade fight rules will apply. It is considered okay to hit the opponent when said opponent is down but still breathing.

From the opposing camps, I hear rumors of the fight plan. Medusa, wearing her patented snakeskin hair-do (ruled as acceptable by pre-fight referees) will face off against her challenger patulous puss Golden Don.

Medusa is expected to try overcoming Mr. T with withering fusillade of bullshit, a form of fighting she's mastered over years. However, in this fight, such will likely be a losing strategy since Mr. T has been spewing the same weapon for years also. Plus he is bigger, heavier and not prone to dehydration.

Even Hiding Hillary's cornermen acknowledge that she may be starting at a disadvantage. first she had an acute case of hoof-in-mouth disease talking about baskets or something. Then only a few days ago she illustrated a new dance step, now known as the "hot Wobble". This did not end well for her as she went sprawling face down into a black ambulance.

Dangerous Don, knowing this has his plan already in place. Within the first seconds of the fight, he will push the Hacker (also known as the Mad Bomber) backward so that she loses her balance and falls backward. With those wobbly legs, Daunting Don figures that Medusa will be unable to regain her footing because Secret Service agents are prohibited from the cage. So he will then place his size 13s on her chest, loudly proclaiming victory.

Foreseeing this possible outcome, David Brock's Spin Room, has confidently declared that Hilliar is simply dehydrated--but wait until the rematch.

So, I am entertaining bets (non-monetary of course since we don't want JtC to get in trouble with the IRS) as to the outcome. By the way there are no ties--and failure to appear may be a permanent disqualification for any further brawling. Please indicate below the expected winner and--please, do NOT tell me about the expected loser, because that's us regardless of which combatant overcomes the other.

As a bonus, I present to you the theme music for this strongly awaited event:

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMmsoxoDC1E]