Autumn Reading and Music selections from Alligator University

I've been missing the friendly confines of c99 for a while. As usual, wonderful, thoughtful essays have been consistently posted since my last visit. Now if you expect thoughtful from a reptile, think again. I left my swamp a few weeks ago to visit my sister Alice in Southern Florida. But, damn, this Harvey guy was the biggest blowhard I've ever come across outside of DJ Trump and HRC (aka HerM). I got whacked on the head by more cypress trunks than I can count (which isn't very much as you might suppose). This left me dazed with my usual confusion magnified. Somehow I got to Florida and this Irma Witch started throwing palm tree trunks at me. I never saw her either. When alice saw me, she immediately sent me over to my cousin Elwyn, who is by chance, a physician. In fact, Elwyn is president of the AMA (Alligator Medical Association). He diagnosed me with post-concussion syndrome and said I was at risk for chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). This I understand to be a quite common ailment among Congress Critters, such as Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi. As a result, Elwyn says that I have lost the ability to be serious. He hopes that my snappish behavior will return to normal in a while but makes no promises (my bill however, was quite reasonable as I am insured by the ACA - Alligator and Crocodile Assurance Company).

The enforced cessation of my preying caused significant boredom. Dr. Elwyn prescribed cognitive exercise, like reading and music. Since those higher activities do not come naturally to me, I contacted my colleague at AU, the Dean of Rhetoric and Fine Arts.

She suggested several books and musical compositions to help re-orient me to modern life. Thus, I have come across an unusual number of fine books and music, the contents of which I will suggest to any of you seeking to broaden your education.

Please note, the authors' names have been changed to protect the guilty.

1. Computers for Dummies by Debbie W. Schlitz. She has added a new chapter on what to do if your computer turns into a hot potato. There is an interesting forward to the book by Imran Awan, who is masterful at making computers disappear.

2. Whitewater Rafting by Robbie Mueller, famous for navigating treacherous waters. In it, he tells how to overcome obstacles such as hidden evidence (simply ignore it).

3. What happened by HerM, in which she confesses to amnesia that she actually lost the presidential election. This book is very dull except for those who delight in counting verisimilitudes of which there are many.

You may remember HerM's earlier book A Funny Thing Happened to Me on the Way to the Throne. In this book, revered for those loving projection of fault, lots of material will be encountered, including HerM's famous "19 ways I was screwed over"--much like a book on different sexual positions, unfortunately with none of the fun.

4. The Joys of Boy Cooking by Giannpedo Pedestal, with a forward from Martina Abramowicz. Many heretofore secret pizza recipes are included. Some may find the book a little juicy.

5. Maudlin N. Allbright's new translation of Dante's Inferno in which she uncovers a new ring, reserved for females who did not vote for HerM. Unfortunately, she left out mention of her own spot to be shared with 500,000 sacrifices she made to Baal in advance.

6. DJ Trump has been busy rewriting many old standards including: the Flower Drumpf Song", "Fortunate Son", and "Penthouse Pauper". He did find it difficult to complete stanzas in 140 characters or less.

7. Since we are discussing song re-writes, J. W(easel) Comedy has updated the old classic "My Baby Sent Me an e-Letter" This song however is a mess. The last line occurs at the beginning of the song, but was marked classified and placed in the end.

8. I Play the Waiting Game by M. Pence, filled with longing and deep emotion, marked by a steely patience, yet hopefulness.

9. Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better written by P. Ryan in his more optimistic moments.

10. My Brain Bucket's Got a Hole In It by John McCanine. This is semi-authoritative and breaks new medical ground, revealing bile exuding from the cranium--or is it vile?

11. . If You Get Sick, It's Your Own Damn Fault by Lindsay Crackers, in which he reinvigorates Social Darwinism to its former place of glory amongst social theories, such as Eugenics and Modifying Genetically Almost Everything

12. Ted Cruz has updated Woody Guthrie's classic song to This Land is My Land and Yours Too if You are Christian.

Ted has also released a new version of Stevie Ray Vaughan's Texas Flood with an introduction denouncing existence of Climate Change. Back up vocals on this supplied by Rick Scott.

13. Re-recorded is an old Motown classic I Got My Wig Hat On by Maxine Waters. Rumor has it, Maxine is in impeachy shape.

14. You Keep the Hope; I'll Keep the Change by Hussain Obama. Lesson to be learned, never make change with Hussain--he'll keep all of it.

15. Chicago Fire Sale by Rahm Emmanuel, explaining the art of selling off public property to Arabs and bankrupting your city at the same time.

The hits just keep on coming. Apologize for omitting mention of other gems recently published. I am happy to entertain suggestions.

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22 users have voted.

Comments

Alligator Ed's picture

For those who think this shit makes sense, please....

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9 users have voted.
snoopydawg's picture

I have been wondering where you crawled off to. Were in Florida when Irma hit and if so, how did you weather the storm?
I have been wondering what happened to the Awan investigation and the DNC lawsuits. Maybe you can sniff them out for us.

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12 users have voted.

a longtime oligarch eugenics plan is already well underway

earth is the insane asylum for the universe

snoopydawg's picture

@snoopydawg
This is Awan's wife who was allowed to board her plane after the FBI was told to stand down. Who gave them that order? Lync? Obama? Herheinous?

No End in Sight to the Travail of Debbie Wasserman Schultz

By the end of September federal prosecutors expect to have in their custody Hina Alvi, the wife of a controversial aide to Democratic Florida Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Alvi has agreed to a plea deal in connection to an investigation growing since the start of the year.

It is an investigation that circles the periphery of Wasserman Schultz.

Coming off a tough 2016, where she ushered the Democratic National Committee into an iceberg -- and with it Hillary Clinton’s presidential aspirations -- Wasserman Schultz is possibly having an even tougher 2017. Deposed from her position in party leadership, the representative from Florida’s 23rd District has been mired in controversy all year.

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9 users have voted.

a longtime oligarch eugenics plan is already well underway

earth is the insane asylum for the universe

@snoopydawg

Lol, no controversy - she's proven herself to be a corrupt and venal slime-ball, much like Hillary.

Unfortunately, so's the system containing the investigators and Justice system...

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8 users have voted.

Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.

Cassiodorus's picture

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7 users have voted.

"Earth/Gaia is maker and destroyer, not resource to be exploited or ward to be protected or nursing mother promising nourishment." - Donna Haraway

mimi's picture

I am supposed to obey my self-ordered prescription of not talking here anymore. Wrong prescription. Doesn't help one bit.

It's an equal opportunity drug here for the internet addicted. So, there I talk.

Glad you are back and survived the Harvey guy and all those women who pursued you like the come back kid and her majesty.

Can I get your health insurance too? I bet yours is free. Smile

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11 users have voted.

"“What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?” - Ghandi

Alligator Ed's picture

@mimi

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5 users have voted.
Creosote.'s picture

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4 users have voted.
Centaurea's picture

is not always a bad thing. In fact, the temporary loss of seriousness is essential for the sake of our sanity, plus it does something good for the creative process. And we're going to need all the sanity and creativity we can muster to work our way through all of this.

Too much seriousness is like being sucked down into a dark vortex of doom and gloom. That way lies craziness. (The PTB would like nothing better than for us humans to get stuck down there forever in that whirling vortex of doom.)

Maudlin N. Allbright's new translation of Dante's Inferno

This reminds me of the time a good friend of mine, a very smart guy, called me up and, in all sincerity, asked, "Centaurea, who was it who wrote Dante's Inferno?" Scratch one-s head He was a tad embarrassed when I told him.

As a matter of fact, Al, it was one of your ancestors who wrote that great classic, wasn't it? The illustrious 13th century poet, Dante Alligator.

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15 users have voted.

"Don't go back to sleep ... Don't go back to sleep ... Don't go back to sleep." ~Rumi

Alligator Ed's picture

@Centaurea @Centaurea One of my Mediterranean cousins who lived near Mount Vesuvius.

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8 users have voted.

Prey for some corporate interests to fall into your jaws, since you say you're toxin-resistant and, I rather suspect, corruption-resistant as well.

Not rain, not sleet, nor hurricane can stop the Gator's rounds... thank FSM!

Odd, just tried to post and eventually got a page saying in plain black type 'Add new content' with an empty box below? So I went back to where the message was still showing to try again. Probably happened because I have yet to notice any of my 'signature' typos, so the site thinks I'm an imposter, lol. Dunno if this will be a double-post or not, but sorry if it is.

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7 users have voted.

Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.

Alligator Ed's picture

@Ellen North Doctor Elwyn said, before I left Florida, that I could resume preying.

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8 users have voted.

@Alligator Ed

Nice to hear from you and I do hope that your scales of justice protected you from any dents in that valuable-to-us alligator-hide! After all, there's nothing more sustaining than Gator-aid, especially when flavoured with humour!

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2 users have voted.

Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.

Lookout's picture

Glad to see you again!

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6 users have voted.

“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

Alligator Ed's picture

@Lookout

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2 users have voted.

better than ever! Where can I get one of those concussions?

Take care.

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3 users have voted.
Alligator Ed's picture

@Linda Wood Although there are several ways to do this, one of the handiest concussionizers is to hit one's cranium with a mallet. If you use a hammer, a nasty depression in the skull will occur, making styling your hair (if you remember how after the concussion) more difficult.

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