Autumn Reading and Music selections from Alligator University
I've been missing the friendly confines of c99 for a while. As usual, wonderful, thoughtful essays have been consistently posted since my last visit. Now if you expect thoughtful from a reptile, think again. I left my swamp a few weeks ago to visit my sister Alice in Southern Florida. But, damn, this Harvey guy was the biggest blowhard I've ever come across outside of DJ Trump and HRC (aka HerM). I got whacked on the head by more cypress trunks than I can count (which isn't very much as you might suppose). This left me dazed with my usual confusion magnified. Somehow I got to Florida and this Irma Witch started throwing palm tree trunks at me. I never saw her either. When alice saw me, she immediately sent me over to my cousin Elwyn, who is by chance, a physician. In fact, Elwyn is president of the AMA (Alligator Medical Association). He diagnosed me with post-concussion syndrome and said I was at risk for chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). This I understand to be a quite common ailment among Congress Critters, such as Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi. As a result, Elwyn says that I have lost the ability to be serious. He hopes that my snappish behavior will return to normal in a while but makes no promises (my bill however, was quite reasonable as I am insured by the ACA - Alligator and Crocodile Assurance Company).
The enforced cessation of my preying caused significant boredom. Dr. Elwyn prescribed cognitive exercise, like reading and music. Since those higher activities do not come naturally to me, I contacted my colleague at AU, the Dean of Rhetoric and Fine Arts.
She suggested several books and musical compositions to help re-orient me to modern life. Thus, I have come across an unusual number of fine books and music, the contents of which I will suggest to any of you seeking to broaden your education.
Please note, the authors' names have been changed to protect the guilty.
1. Computers for Dummies by Debbie W. Schlitz. She has added a new chapter on what to do if your computer turns into a hot potato. There is an interesting forward to the book by Imran Awan, who is masterful at making computers disappear.
2. Whitewater Rafting by Robbie Mueller, famous for navigating treacherous waters. In it, he tells how to overcome obstacles such as hidden evidence (simply ignore it).
3. What happened by HerM, in which she confesses to amnesia that she actually lost the presidential election. This book is very dull except for those who delight in counting verisimilitudes of which there are many.
You may remember HerM's earlier book A Funny Thing Happened to Me on the Way to the Throne. In this book, revered for those loving projection of fault, lots of material will be encountered, including HerM's famous "19 ways I was screwed over"--much like a book on different sexual positions, unfortunately with none of the fun.
4. The Joys of Boy Cooking by Giannpedo Pedestal, with a forward from Martina Abramowicz. Many heretofore secret pizza recipes are included. Some may find the book a little juicy.
5. Maudlin N. Allbright's new translation of Dante's Inferno in which she uncovers a new ring, reserved for females who did not vote for HerM. Unfortunately, she left out mention of her own spot to be shared with 500,000 sacrifices she made to Baal in advance.
6. DJ Trump has been busy rewriting many old standards including: the Flower Drumpf Song", "Fortunate Son", and "Penthouse Pauper". He did find it difficult to complete stanzas in 140 characters or less.
7. Since we are discussing song re-writes, J. W(easel) Comedy has updated the old classic "My Baby Sent Me an e-Letter" This song however is a mess. The last line occurs at the beginning of the song, but was marked classified and placed in the end.
8. I Play the Waiting Game by M. Pence, filled with longing and deep emotion, marked by a steely patience, yet hopefulness.
9. Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better written by P. Ryan in his more optimistic moments.
10. My Brain Bucket's Got a Hole In It by John McCanine. This is semi-authoritative and breaks new medical ground, revealing bile exuding from the cranium--or is it vile?
11. . If You Get Sick, It's Your Own Damn Fault by Lindsay Crackers, in which he reinvigorates Social Darwinism to its former place of glory amongst social theories, such as Eugenics and Modifying Genetically Almost Everything
12. Ted Cruz has updated Woody Guthrie's classic song to This Land is My Land and Yours Too if You are Christian.
Ted has also released a new version of Stevie Ray Vaughan's Texas Flood with an introduction denouncing existence of Climate Change. Back up vocals on this supplied by Rick Scott.
13. Re-recorded is an old Motown classic I Got My Wig Hat On by Maxine Waters. Rumor has it, Maxine is in impeachy shape.
14. You Keep the Hope; I'll Keep the Change by Hussain Obama. Lesson to be learned, never make change with Hussain--he'll keep all of it.
15. Chicago Fire Sale by Rahm Emmanuel, explaining the art of selling off public property to Arabs and bankrupting your city at the same time.
The hits just keep on coming. Apologize for omitting mention of other gems recently published. I am happy to entertain suggestions.