Good night and my very best to everyone here
Hello caucus99 percent. I have been trying for a couple days now to get this written and I’m afraid I’ve waited almost too long now as I am very nearly out of gas. It’s well after 1:00 am on Thursday July 22, but if I let this wait any longer it probably won’t happen.
A couple nights ago my health crisis took another turn for the worse. I allowed myself to be taken to the emergency room yet again (third trip in a few weeks) and this time I ended up on a ventilator, although I’m still conscious and awake. But I cannot breathe on my own anymore. Today we attempted to remove the vent but it only lasted a couple hours and I had to go back on it.
We also got news today from a new CT scan taken the other night, making it clear that the tumor in my throat is inoperable and will not be beaten with radiation and/or chemotherapy. The doctors offered to try, of course. But they were clear it would only be buying a little bit of time. And the price is high. I’m very sick and I’m in pain and I’m not getting better from this. My time is very nearly up. And what time I do have left I do not want to spend that way. I already wish I’d refused the ventilation.
Tomorrow I will be meeting with people from palliative care to transfer into hospice. No more heroics or interventions. Enough is enough. And frankly I’ve had more than enough. I had a lot to say about the state of our healthcare system and what I’ve learned these past few weeks. But it’s nothing you don’t know. And sometimes even the best healthcare in the world can’t fix what is wrong. My body is only 62 but it has betrayed me. I have to begin letting go now. This place and the virtual community and friends I’ve found here and the mental workouts here have all made a huge difference in my life. Thank you all. I do not know how much time or ability I will have to check in again. Saying goodbye felt important. I wish I could find the focus to speak to some of you more personally. But I can’t. Please be well and take care of yourselves and each other.
Best regards, CS in AZ (Lauren)