Good night and my very best to everyone here

Hello caucus99 percent. I have been trying for a couple days now to get this written and I’m afraid I’ve waited almost too long now as I am very nearly out of gas. It’s well after 1:00 am on Thursday July 22, but if I let this wait any longer it probably won’t happen.

A couple nights ago my health crisis took another turn for the worse. I allowed myself to be taken to the emergency room yet again (third trip in a few weeks) and this time I ended up on a ventilator, although I’m still conscious and awake. But I cannot breathe on my own anymore. Today we attempted to remove the vent but it only lasted a couple hours and I had to go back on it.

We also got news today from a new CT scan taken the other night, making it clear that the tumor in my throat is inoperable and will not be beaten with radiation and/or chemotherapy. The doctors offered to try, of course. But they were clear it would only be buying a little bit of time. And the price is high. I’m very sick and I’m in pain and I’m not getting better from this. My time is very nearly up. And what time I do have left I do not want to spend that way. I already wish I’d refused the ventilation.

Tomorrow I will be meeting with people from palliative care to transfer into hospice. No more heroics or interventions. Enough is enough. And frankly I’ve had more than enough. I had a lot to say about the state of our healthcare system and what I’ve learned these past few weeks. But it’s nothing you don’t know. And sometimes even the best healthcare in the world can’t fix what is wrong. My body is only 62 but it has betrayed me. I have to begin letting go now. This place and the virtual community and friends I’ve found here and the mental workouts here have all made a huge difference in my life. Thank you all. I do not know how much time or ability I will have to check in again. Saying goodbye felt important. I wish I could find the focus to speak to some of you more personally. But I can’t. Please be well and take care of yourselves and each other.

Best regards, CS in AZ (Lauren)

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Dawn's Meta's picture

Our love to you, your family and friends.

You have contributed in the best way here. Your comments and observations will be missed. You will be missed terribly.

May you walk in light and love with comfort.

My love,

Dawn

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35 users have voted.

A society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they know they shall never sit. Allegedly Greek, but more possibly fairly modern quote.

Consider helping by donating using the button in the upper left hand corner. Thank you.

I'm so very sorry to hear your prognosis isn't better.

Wishing you excellent hospice care, the strength and time you need to say the things most meaningful to those most important to you, and a peaceful relief from your suffering.

Thank you for being you, and for being here,
Jen

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30 users have voted.
mhagle's picture

Wishing you the very best final hours with loved ones.

Marilyn

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Marilyn

"Make dirt, not war." eyo

QMS's picture

Your thoughts and time with us.
Rest assured the ideas you have championed
will live on thru this community in the
hearts and minds you touched.

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Lookout's picture

I'm sorry for your ill health and wish you gentle ease at the end of your path.

You are quite brave in the face of your situation, and I'm proud to have known you.

Go easy into that good night. We all follow your journey, and given the state of the world today yours may be the better path?

Johnny sang this one near his end.

We will miss your sharp memory and insights.
PS-
please forgive the few Jesus images in Johnny's song

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32 users have voted.

“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

and {hugs}. I was wondering how you were, thanks for posting. Of course I was hoping for a different outcome, you are always in my thoughts. Ever since that time you offered to send me a food box when I got too skinny, I'll always love you for that kind offer. I wish I could give your hand a squeeze IRL. Thank you Lauren. Sending loving thoughts now and forever.

Peace and Love

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Raggedy Ann's picture

to reach out to us to say good-bye. When someone no longer posts, I often wonder what happened to them. Fortunately, we have had news of our spirit travelers, OPOL, Riverlover, Alligator Ed, etc. leaving this human suit of clothes behind and soaring to new heights of existence.

You are a brave soul, Lauren. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I am honored to have read your thoughts and taken what was meaningful.

Your courage will carry you through. I, along with the others here, send you positive, uplifting thoughts to help you on your journey.

Hugs,
Loyola Pleasantry

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31 users have voted.

"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11

Cant Stop the Macedonian Signal's picture

@Raggedy Ann

Sad

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3 users have voted.

"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha

"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver

lotlizard's picture

No star is o'er the lake, its pale watch keeping,
The moon is half awake, through grey mist creeping.
The last red leaves fall round the porch of roses,
The clock has ceased to sound. The long day closes.

Sit by the silent hearth in calm endeavour,
To count the sound of mirth, now dumb forever.
Heed not how hope believes and fate disposes:
Shadow is round the eaves. The long day closes.

The lighted windows dim are fading slowly.
The fire that was so trim now quivers lowly.
Go to the dreamless bed where grief reposes.
Thy book of toil is read. The long day closes.

Aloha and farewell, O friend… Ascend the starlight path across the trackless ocean back to the origin, Heaven’s sunlit golden shore… Thanks for having been a boon companion on this, our shared quest for truth and The Way of Love and of All That Is Divine; and for standing fast against the liars and The Lie.

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usefewersyllables's picture

Aloha!

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22 users have voted.

Twice bitten, permanently shy.

studentofearth's picture

Lauren, Thank You for spending some of yours here with us.

May you be surrounded by love of those close physically and from those of us at a distance sending ours in thoughts.

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29 users have voted.

Still yourself, deep water can absorb many disturbances with minimal reaction.
--When the opening appears release yourself.

enhydra lutris's picture

in the loop. You will be missed. Be who and what you are.
buddha1

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28 users have voted.

That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --

for caring about us, to tell us directly. I know we're all thinking that there must be something that hasn't been thought of to try, and suffer the helplessness of not being able to think of anything that would make a difference. I can only wish you peace and freedom from pain. I'll miss seeing you here.

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Lauren, we've had our ups and downs but we also had some good times with each other in private messages that no one got to witness but you and I. I really did enjoy your spirit and tenacity as we learned how to come to terms with each other. If I was ever overbearing, which I probably was, I sincerely apologize. That was no doubt my shortcoming and none of your own.

Thank you for keeping me on my toes all these years. You taught me well. I never told you this but I really did appreciate you for just being you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to say it now.

I will miss you old friend.

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38 users have voted.

See you soon

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24 users have voted.

and will.
Your clear eyed recognition and acceptance of the inevitable is a sign of incredible fortitude and personal character.
I stand in awe and admiration.
For all the times we’ve clashed and I offended you, I apologize.
You’ve made me rethink and re-evaluate many of my positions in our interactions, which were Not the most pleasant and I appreciate your clarity of thought whilst I slung mud around.

I wish for nothing more than peace and healing for you and those surrounding you as you take the next inevitable steps on your journey.

Thanks to jtc for letting me say goodbye,

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29 users have voted.

Ya got to be a Spirit, cain't be no Ghost. . .

Explain Bldg #7. . .

for your kindness in letting us know. We are just a cluster of minds, from around the world but all in one place here, questioning, arguing, talking and talking and talking. But what a fine place. I am grateful for having met you and I will remember with pleasure some of the things you wrote.

I wish you a peaceful journey surrounded by your family and friends and all the love you have cultivated.

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24 users have voted.

I met CS on DK. She noticed how I was being singled out for abuse by an on site favorite named Wee Mama for my claim that if religious ideas are put into the public arena, they are fair game for scrutiny and criticism. Wee Mama had formed a little posse group who dogged me every day on that site. CS went to bat on my behalf not only with Wee Mama and her followers, but with administration too (ah the days spent on the Help Desk debates). So when we happened to bump into each other here, I was delighted. I will never forget her support.
So to CS... I hope you see this....

Roads Go Ever On

Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.

Roads go ever ever on,
Under cloud and under star.
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen,
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green,
And trees and hills they long have known.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

The Road goes ever on and on
Out from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone.
Let others follow, if they can!
Let them a journey new begin.
But I at last with weary feet
Will turn towards the lighted inn,
My evening-rest and sleep to meet.

Still 'round the corner there may wait
A new road or secret gate;
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.

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32 users have voted.

"Without the right to offend, freedom of speech does not exist." Taslima Nasrin

QMS's picture

@Fishtroller 02

Look at last on meadows green,
Out from the door where it began.

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Lily O Lady's picture

@Fishtroller 02

On to Grey Havens and beyond.

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16 users have voted.

"The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now do you begin to understand me?" ~Orwell, "1984"

janis b's picture

@Fishtroller 02

Thank you.

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wendy davis's picture

be like this, Lauren:

White Owl Flies Into and Out of the Field

Coming down out of the freezing sky
with its depths of light,
like an angel, or a Buddha with wings,
it was beautiful, and accurate,
striking the snow and whatever was there
with a force that left the imprint
of the tips of its wings — five feet apart —
and the grabbing thrust of its feet,
and the indentation of what had been running
through the white valleys of the snow —

and then it rose, gracefully,
and flew back to the frozen marshes
to lurk there, like a little lighthouse,
in the blue shadows —
so I thought:
maybe death isn't darkness, after all,
but so much light wrapping itself around us —

as soft as feathers —
that we are instantly weary of looking, and looking,
and shut our eyes, not without amazement,
and let ourselves be carried,
as through the translucence of mica,
to the river that is without the least dapple or shadow,
that is nothing but light — scalding, aortal light —
in which we are washed and washed
out of our bones.

~ Mary Oliver

and may you Walk in Beauty.

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24 users have voted.
ggersh's picture

The song “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” which is originally called “Mbube,” was written by a South African janitor in the 1920s. Pete Seeger explained that the song is folk lore about the 'sleeping-king' Shaka, Warrior King of the Zulus. Shaka the Lion, who heroically resisted the armies of the European colonizers, is supposed not to be dead but only sleeping and will one day awaken and return to lead his oppressed people to freedom.
I lived in Senegal. This IS their yearning for freedom.0

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24 users have voted.

I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned
Prof. Feynman

Should Ivermectin work, you wouldn't need a vaccine passport or lockdowns, would you?

Lily O Lady's picture

I always wonder when a voice is missing. If my tears cured cancer, you would be well now. Peace.

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27 users have voted.

"The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now do you begin to understand me?" ~Orwell, "1984"

for a peaceful comfortable passing and loving hospice care. and time to say all your goodbyes.

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21 users have voted.

NYCVG

just wanted to add to the chorus of thank you for your admirable and eloquent report on where you are and what is ahead for you. Less pain and a few more giggles in the interim are my wishes for you.

And remember:

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joe shikspack's picture

i will miss you.

i hope that your remaining time is comfortable and your passing is peaceful.

see you on the other side.

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As you make your transition. What a brave spirit you will be remembered as.

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20 users have voted.

Life is what you make it, so make it something worthwhile.

This ain't no dress rehearsal!

dystopian's picture

So sad to hear CS... always enjoyed your comments, we will miss them. Thanks for sharing! Peace and love to you and yours,

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19 users have voted.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.
both - Albert Einstein

Pluto's Republic's picture

So, there is no doubt part of your spirit must dwell in everyone who has known you. A fierce, engaging, and remarkable, spirit, indeed. Thank you for this opportunity to harmonize with you as you embark on life's greatest adventure. ...Until we meet again in the Great Absolute and Beyond.

Peace and kind wishes to your loved ones.

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18 users have voted.

Add some Truth to your daily news. CGTN — See the difference!

snoopydawg's picture

Your bravery right now has touched my heart and I am at a loss for words to express my sorrow at this that you are facing.

I’m so glad that we got to spend time with you and that you shared your views with us and came here with us when we left the other place. You helped make this site what it is. Thank you.

I hope you are going in peace and it comforts me knowing that you are surrounded by love. My thoughts are with your dear husband too and hope that if he needs anything to let us know.

I echo what others have said. You will be missed.

Goodnight.

snoop

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20 users have voted.

In a free country civil liberties are not only for certain groups.
So this is how liberty dies . . . with thunderous applause.
The donor class doesn’t want it, and Americans elect the bribed. So suck it up.

mimi's picture

to sleep in peace and have no more pain. Your mind is clear. We all will follow you to where you are headed and nobody will be there alone.

I always loved this piece of music and I hope it gives minutes of peaceful pleasure.

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mimi

Light, Love, Joy, Eternal Happiness to you.

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Socialprogressive's picture

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16 users have voted.

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies.
Does anyone know if they have anything like that planned when this one ends?
(asking for a friend)

I hope to have even a tiny bit of your grace and courage when my time comes.

thanks for saying goodbye.

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17 users have voted.

It's always bad when you can see it coming. better to go quick like my father-in-law who suffered a massive heart attack (while smoking a cigarette!) and was dead in seconds. My Mom went to hospice with inoperable cancer. At least they gave her enough morphine to get high.
My brother-in-law Bob that I've mentioned died last Monday (his birthday) from lung failure. At 12:30 in the morning. It seems to have been quick.

It must be terrible knowing it is coming and having no way to stop it. I'm very very sorry for you. You will be remembered. You are leaving this world a little better. God! I hope they have lots of morphine!

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11 users have voted.

I've seen lots of changes. What doesn't change is people. Same old hairless apes.

zed2's picture

This is an interesting case of Dorothy Eady who claimed to have had a past life.

In ancient Egypt..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k44ttja5ovU Part 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EadvNnSGrQg Part 2

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thanatokephaloides's picture

I am sorry to hear the news you just communicated. I always enjoyed your postings on c99, and I will miss you terribly.

May Peace be ever upon you, Lauren. Blessed be!

Nihil umquam in oblivione est. (Nothing is ever forgotten.)

I admire your courage in recognizing that your time to "leave this brokedown palace" has probably arrived, by the way. I don't know that I would be so courageous as you.

"Fare thee well, fare thee well, I love you more than words can tell."

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15 users have voted.

"I say enough! If Israel wants to be the only superpower in the Middle East then they can put their own asses on the line and do it themselves. I want to continue to eat."
-- snoopydawg

zed2's picture

resveratrol which is a phytonutrient available everywhere may be helpful in chemosensitizing tumors to radiation and might improve your prognosis.

Read the links at this PubMed search,

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/?term=resveratrol%20cancer%20chemosensitize

Ask your oncologist. I hope this is helpful, I'm not a doctor. I'm juat a wide-ranging and voracious reader.
especially about certain subjects I''m interested in.

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janis b's picture

May the light guide you and fill you with peace. You were always a beacon of brightness and insight to me. May your passing be gentle and your love ones comforted always by having you in their lives.

The sun is setting here now brightly for you.

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15 users have voted.

I am at a loss for words, but peace and love to you and your family.

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The Liberal Moonbat's picture

...be sure you've seen this:

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4 users have voted.

We live in a society in which "we live in a society" is considered a subversive and vaguely-threatening statement.

In the Land of the Blind, the one-eyed man is declared insane when he speaks of colors.

best wishes for a smooth passage to whatever it might be.

On the last, long road
when I fall and fail to rise...
I'll bed with flowers
(Sora)

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10 users have voted.

Thank you for being here.

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magiamma's picture

May the light surround you and carry you forth in peace.

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11 users have voted.

Stop Climate Change Silence - Start the Conversation

Hot Air Website, Twitter, Facebook

earthling1's picture

Thank you for for showing us that.
I hope to be able to muster it when my time comes.
Farewell, Lauren. Catch you on the flip side.
Don

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14 users have voted.

After six years, still getting robo-calls from Marriot Hotels.
They're like herpes.

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River Rover's picture

May you sail on a calm sea

and find safe harbor

on the far shore

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9 users have voted.

Rivers are horses - and kayaks are their saddles

janis b's picture

@River Rover

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Cant Stop the Macedonian Signal's picture

CS, it has been of inestimable value to me to have connected with you, even over the ether. In times like these, it matters so much to have contact with people who are honest and uncompromised independent thinkers. We have even managed to have disagreements that changed my mind, a thing almost unheard of nowadays.

Given that you are facing the Great Beyond, I don't know how much this means. But I wanted you to know that you have impacted my life for the better. I will miss you.

Blessings on your journey.

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6 users have voted.

"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha

"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver

gulfgal98's picture

I honestly do not know if words can express how deeply I am saddened to read this news from you. I pray that your pallative care will help ease the pain you are now experiencing. Your voice is important and I hope we will still hear from you again. Much love and gentle hugs on your journey forward. Nancy

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5 users have voted.

Do I hear the sound of guillotines being constructed?

“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." ~ President John F. Kennedy