Signal Wave
Seems that until my life changes a bit, this is going to be the only writing I do. I'm hoping that things will change soon. For one thing, I'm inheriting my partner's laptop soon, which will make writing much easier (my desktop is located in the communal gaming room/rec room, and it's not the best place to work.)
I've also had a bit of a wake-up call recently, in that my blood pressure went high enough during workouts last week that it gave me a headache. This happened both times last week that I lifted weights. This was fairly scary, since both my grandma and my uncle died of strokes. What this tells me is that I can no longer put everybody else's feelings and needs first. I have to prioritize myself, or pretty soon I won't have a self to prioritize. I'm drawing some boundaries around how much support I give my mom, since a lot of my support seems to involve being a dumping ground for her bad emotions. It's not that I think she's asking more than she should. I feel that being a dumping ground for her grief is actually appropriate, given the circumstances, but at this point it's simply not safe for me to absorb a bunch of negative emotions that could spike my anxiety. I don't think it was an accident that the fortnight during which I gave her basically unrestricted emotional support was the week that my anxiety spiked, along with my blood pressure. As they say, put the mask on yourself first.
In general, I'm trying to do things I want to do, rather than doing whatever will keep the people around me from getting upset. Doing what everybody else wants, or needs, or whatever will keep other people from blowing up or laying a passive-aggressive guilt trip on me, has been a lifelong exercise in futility and at this point, it's become actively dangerous. I'm also doing everything I can to remain calm: yoga, acupuncture, and a new meditation/breathing exercise. The medical problems I inherit from my family are circulatory issues, anxiety, and depression, with an emphasis on the first two. I don't intend to let those kill me, at least not for a long while yet.
How are you all this week?
Comments
Good morning, CStMS and all other Caucusers!
My dear CStMS, did your blood pressure spike while on blood pressure medication? Either way, are you under a doctor's care for this? (Rhetorical questions: you need not answer.)
Ideally, I think, we decide how much we are willing to do for each of the people in our lives who put demands on us and also mentally separate our emotions, etc. from his or her issues. It is, I suppose, possible to listen to someone whining, agonizing, etc. while keeping very firmly in mind that some things are their issues, not our own.
My sister is capable of obsessing for hours about her current love relationship or crush. especially if it's not going well. So, at some point, her best friend said, "Okay, we can talk about this for ten minutes, but then we're changing the subject." And, oddly enough, my sister thought that was fine. (Had I been the one to do that, I'm not sure sis would have accepted it so readily, but that is another issue entirely.)
I guess what I am trying to say is that self-preservation boundaries sometimes need to be set, whether explicitly or in your own mind, and then adhered to, ideally without totally cutting someone off or hurting anyone. It's a tightrope, especially if no boundaries have been set in the past. But, putting on your own oxygen mask first is necessary if you are going to be any good for yourself or others.
((((CStMS)))), be well and happy.
Best wishes in figuring it out and in writing on your laptop. Maybe one will help with the other!
No...
I've always had blood pressure on the low side, so this is new (or new-ish; last fall I had one high reading, but it was only one, and it involved no pain or symptoms. I went back to normal afterwards, so, well, one reading doesn't make me go on medication).
I have a number to call for a nurse recommended by my acupuncturist. For someone like me, who really hates going through the standard medical system and its process, having someone recommended by somebody I trust is really helpful. I'll call her tomorrow and get an appointment. Until then, my acupuncturist gave me some Chinese herbs to help.
I love my Aunt Peachie, but I don't want to become her (she had high blood pressure and heart problems and was more or less housebound).
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
I'm not gonna cut my mom off...
Like I said, given the circumstances, I don't think she's done anything wrong. But last ten days or so, I saw her pretty much every day. That would be good if I were in better shape, perhaps, but I've gotta be careful now.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Yes, you must take care of yourself.
I have been caretaking for my Dad for 2 1/2 years in my house, and I simply couldn't handle it anymore. Even with almost 24 hour care (for the last 4 months or so), I had to stop. He is now in a long term care facility as of two weeks ago. Also, financially, it became necessary (saving his nest egg about $50,000 per year).
His dementia and constant need was just driving me crazy. I gained a lot of weight, quit exercising, couldn't concentrate at all, and can still barely drag myself out of bed in the morning.
It also cost me a lot personally, to the tune of 5 grand of income lost to FMLA, parking in downtown - probably at least 6 grand over the 2 1/2 years, and eating lunch out since I was too tired to fix lunches (previously, I took the bus, and brought coffee, breakfast, and lunch to work). Plus I am paying for things I used to do, like the yard. And this doesn't include all the time you have to spend doing this and that - ugh, even with him in long term care, I still have to coordinate all of his specialist appointments and changes to Rx.
I want to buy a larger house, rent out my house, and hire a live-in for overnight care for Dad. This would cut care expenses further by about 30 grand - plus I think Medicare is going to pay for 40 hours a week of in-home care (not sure if it starts this year or next).
I kept thinking, well, I'll get caught up this weekend, or the next, or the next. I never got caught up on anything and I'm buried in paper and yard work (and I just payed to have the yard cleaned up).
Please try to keep yourself from reaching the point I did. It is just awful.
dfarrah
Oh, dfarrah.
Having just watched my mom go through the same thing, I empathize more than you can imagine. Eventually, it just becomes impossible for one non-professional person--a person who is grievously impacted emotionally by watching the disease ravage someone they love--to do the caretaking.
It sounds like you respond to constant anxiety about the way I do. My mom is a little different...she loses weight rather than gaining it. That's not really an improvement, as it can be more immediately dangerous.
Like you, my room is trashed and my life disorganized; it's kind of amazing that I haven't screwed up any bill payments or anything important (apart from my health :-{).
ugh, even with him in long term care, I still have to coordinate all of his specialist appointments and changes to Rx.
My mom also went through this...she found, initially, that putting him in an institution relieved some stresses--as in, she could now sleep at night, which was impossible with him living with her, and also, she could have some time away from him--but added many others. Of course, she didn't have the best facility and was not expecting him to attack people. I also feel that his doctor was rather lax in prescribing anti-psychotics (it seemed pretty clear that he needed them, but they only prescribed them after he tried to kill two people).
I believe it will get better for you; I think it's getting better for my mom (but slowly).
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Chinese Proverb
Sing along with Sweet Honey in the Rock
Bestest
question everything
Good morning, CSTMS ~
I see myself in your words. Boundaries are important. I sometimes forget to raise them. Take care.
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
Don't know about you, but I was trained as a girl
always to put other people's feelings and needs first. Else I was a selfish bad girl.
I'm guessing a lot of other people have had the same conditioning, especially women. It's a particularly persistent part of sexism. Not that sexism is the only way one can get that conditioning.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Indeed ~
that was my indoctrination. As a young Hispanic, catholic it was suffocating. I left the church, but the guilt lingers.
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
My maternal grandmother, who raised me
for the first three years of my life, was Hispanic (as, of course, were her sisters, who were also heavily involved in my life). That actually continued when I got older, though I was no longer living with them.
I don't call myself Hispanic because they didn't raise me to speak Spanish and I'm two generations distant from actual people in a Latino culture, but I sure got some of the ideas.
Daughters are supposed to support their mothers, while the mothers (mostly) support the husbands.
Is it any wonder that it's that part of my family I get the circulatory issues and anxiety from?
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
I hear ya.
I’m trying to get a better handle on my life, working to think of myself more. I broke my foot last year and it taught me my husband was way more capable than he was letting on. Lesson learned.
Have a lovely day!
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
I can't say that I
experienced that type of pressure.
But it almost doesn't matter, because you (or most everyone) want to help your loved ones.
Or at least I do. I enjoyed catering to my Dad, but it just got to be too much.
dfarrah
Yeah, I do.
It's just better to do it from some basis other than feeling like you don't deserve to live if you don't do it. Which is kind of how that pressure plays out (in me, at least).
But yeah, of course I do. But as you say, we're all limited beings and we can only do what we can do.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
In the context of Asian cultural background, two words:
“Filial piety”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahh!! Nooooo!!
You never feel you’ve done enough to fulfil one’s obligations …
Good morning, CSTMS. For sure, take care of yourself
both first and best. That's not just for yourself, but for the others too. People will benefit best from your assistance, in any form, if it is your best assistance, which means you have to be at your best to be truly helpful. If that means pushing them away a bit, so be it.
That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --
That's what I think.
If I blow my brain out, or become an invalid, I ain't gonna be helping anyone much, am I?
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Hope you're having a pretty spring
...and can get outside allowing the natural system to absorb some of your stress and anxiety.
I know I sound like a broken record, but Jason Fung improved my health and I feel better than I have in years (and many pounds lighter, and lowered my BP to well within limits).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIuj-oMN-Fk (36 min)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXivdDORKRQ (1 hour)
hat/tip OPOL
Good health and happy spring!
“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”
Thank you for that, Lookout
I'm sure you mentioned it before, but I think it kinda went past me in the flood of info...sorry about that.
Getting out into nature is another big one. All kinds of changes to look forward to next week (my partner is gone this weekend, and she's my health buddy as well...also it's helpful to me to start on a Sunday or Monday, for some reason).
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Self-preservation boundaries . . . it’s complicated . . .
Like the dilemma of how to maintain, humanely, an effective boundary between E.U. and non-E.U., or even between regions of unequal wealth within the E.U.
Migrants, encamped in Greece, try to form “caravan” and rush the Macedonian border on the way to wealthier northern European countries — AP
http://www.ekathimerini.com/tags/migration
I can't blame them either...
but what happens when there aren't better economic havens to flee too...at least none accessible to ordinary 99%-ers?
I note that they are now fleeing a European country because it's too poor.
I'd wonder when people are going to get the idea that we need a different approach to human existence but then I remember it's the elites I'm talking about, and they apparently see nothing wrong with the status quo except our existence.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
“Fake news after Mueller” — Raúl Ilargi Meijer / Automatic Earth
https://www.theautomaticearth.com/2019/04/fake-news-after-mueller/
https://www.theautomaticearth.com/2019/04/warning-mr-trump/
Also:
The bizarre story of Japan’s [supposedly] ailing economy — Counterpunch
David Cole column: Stop with the golems, already! — Taki’s Magazine
Take care of yourself
I would miss your voice here, and knowing that you exist.
"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott
Thank you, Steven.
Let's hope it won't come to that.
And...back atcha.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Accepting that I'm NOT OK took a while
Took a long time to get over the fact that I'm not mentally OK, and will never be. There's a damn reason I get a disability and it's NOT because I'm a good actor.
Yes there are days where I almost start believing that I can be normal... and then I step out the front door, and get hit by a busload of trauma that I still am dealing with. At least I have the tools now to be able to at least address the issues.
Good luck on all your health issues, because I'm coming face to face with those kinds of things recently. Starting to feel like the only person in my age group who's getting BETTER physically, and I'm the one with the broken shoulder... sigh
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
Well, that might change soon.
Either I will make the changes, or I'm headed to being an invalid and having a shorter life, so I have to believe I will make the changes. I generally come through for myself...eventually.
The anxiety is a bitch, and the thing I'm worst at dealing with. It's also the thing that hobbles me in dealing with everything else. Unfortunately, external circumstances are not cooperating to make it easier to deal with, but what I'm learning is that you can't let the circumstances drive the truck.
"More for Gore or the son of a drug lord--None of the above, fuck it, cut the cord."
--Zack de la Rocha
"I tell you I'll have nothing to do with the place...The roof of that hall is made of bones."
-- Fiver
Double Post, Sorry! (N/T)
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
I went through 7 years of taking care of my late
husband. He was often completely bedridden.
When he would go to a hospital, he would be there for months. I worked all day, drove 60 miles to the hospital, slept in a chair, drove back home, got to work. Day in, day out.
I did not miss a single day of work. I would leave the hospital after a surgery, return to work.
About 2 weeks after he died, I had a jury trial. As I walked into my office, I sat down on the front steps, and finally cried, wondered if I could pick a jury, if I could competently represent my client. Was I going to get in front of 200 people in my community and make a complete fool of myself? Or commit malpractice? I thought my head would explode.
Then, and only then, did I put myself, my career, my future first and foremost in my mind. That was the precise moment I became selfish with my private life. I come first, it is always about me, I am the center of my universe, my duty to give my life to another was over.
And I picked the jury, put on my first 2 witnesses, and before the second witness finished his testimony, opposing counsel asked the judge to send the jury out, and he then announced his client authorized him to give my client whatever relief he asks for, if it would end the trial then and there.
I took that as a sign.
Take care of yourself.
BTW, my teaching to take care of others comes from my Dad. It was my Mom who said someone should take care of me.
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981
I'm glad to hear from you!
It sounds like you are hearing what your body is saying to you. Meditation is a very effective way to deal with anxiety and stress. Have you tried guided imagery when meditating? Sometimes that helps, especially for beginners. Here's a great resource for that if you're interested: Guided Meditation with Belleruth Naperstak
Also if you're willing to do the work, I've had great success with cognitive behavior therapy in alleviating anxiety. I used to have anxiety attacks that were so bad I needed medication.
Take Care!
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier