Open Tummler 03/22/16

They are making the president today, but I really can't concentrate on that now, because I think Anonymous is breaking my phones.

Okay, the first one, maybe that was my fault. I had some spasm or palsy or stroke or something, and I dropped it. The two halves kind of separated a little. I slapped them back together and thought nothing of it. Because I PET_Alzheimer.jpgcome from the era of rotary phones, and those things were indestructible. You could go after a rotary phone with a bowling ball, and it wouldn't care.

But I guess these new phones, they are invertebrates. Because a couple days after the Dropping, the phone would suddenly go dead, as I was trying to talk on it. This was an annoyment. I think maybe this started also after there had been the Watering. Some lawyer was supposed to call, so I took the phone outside and set it down on the railing, while I watered the plants in the cement holes. Then, I watered the phone. I really didn't mean to. I think I wasn't paying attention.

So the Dropping, and the Watering, that would explain the one phone. But why has the different-one phone stopped working? No one has Dropped or Watered that phone. And yesterday morning I used it to call someone, and, when there was a connection, I could hear that person, but that person couldn't hear me. Four times this happened. Then the person called me, and in that way we were actually able to talk to and hear one another, like normal people do on the telephones.

In the afternoon there had to be the lawyers, and the peculiar phone phenomenon repeated. I could hear them, but they couldn't hear me. Unless they were the person who called. Then, as the day expired, not even that would work. Even if the lawyer placed the call, I could hear the lawyer, but the lawyer couldn't hear me.

Maybe this is what it's like being dead. You can hear and see people, but people can't hear and see you. Isn't that what happened to that guy in the true-life documentary film The Sixth Sense? He wandered around the whole movie seeing and hearing people who wallpaper-brain.jpgcouldn't see or hear him, until finally he remembered he had been shot by a Robber who made all the blood come out. And he was dead. Maybe I'm dead. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with the phones at all; maybe what is wrong, is me. I can't get people to hear me, because I am dead. I don't remember any Robbing, and nothing here looks like it's been Robbed, and when I took a shower, I didn't notice any new big gaping holes in my body. But it took that Sixth Sense guy a while to cotton on, too. There aren't any bloodstains around, except where the cat made the hole in the finger with the claw that was going after the toy. I need fairly urgently to get cigarettes, but I am afraid to, because what if the man in the store doesn't see me? That would mean I am dead. Of course, it would also mean I wouldn't have to pay for the cigarettes. I could just take them, and walk out. And now I know why sometimes I can't find things around here. Because dead people came in and took them.

The reason why I think that, if I am not dead, and the phones really are broken, it was Anonymous who broke them, is because Anonymous sent me the brain scans, and I didn't do anything with them.

From time to time, Anonymous, they send me, anonymously, some sort of this or that. And it becomes my task to disseminate this material, so that the People, they will Know. Recently, Anonymous, they sent me a big batch of brain scans, of people who are trying to be the president. I planned to post them here. But then the site Boss Ones started making the posts where there are the Rules. And one of these Rules, it seems, is that we are not to diagnose the various and sundry neurological disorders of the mutants who are trying to be the president. I became afeared, that if I posted the brain scans, this would violate the Rule. And then the Boss Ones, they would make me 07_D062-073.jpggo sit in a Corner, and with the Duncecap on. And I don't want to be in the Corner. With the Duncecap.

But neither do I want Anonymous to make my phones be broken, or maybe even send the Robber to shoot me so that all the blood comes out and I am dead. Because they are impatient and irritated that I am not posting the brain scans. So I am posting the brain scans. Better the duncecap. Than the dead.

And anyway, I can assert that I am a Qualified Expert, in re the brain scans, because I possess a ThD, or Doctorate in Thinkology, bestowed upon me by the wizard, when I was the Scarecrow in a play of The Wizard Of Oz. The wizard, he gave me a brain, and also the ThD. So that makes me fully competent, to rattle on about the gooey lumps of grey matter, rolling around in these derelict brainpans.

I was also a pig, and an ass. In Animal Farm. Not in real life. Usually.

At the top of the piece there, that is a brain scan of Uncle Ben Carson. The five red zones towards the top of the brain, those are where dwells the knowledge that the pyramids were by Joseph used to store grain. The two red zones towards the bottom, those retain memories of when Uncle Ben stabbed his mother in the stomach.

The next image is a brain scan of the farm animal, also known as Rick Perry, former governor of Texas, and scientifically proven to be dumber than dirt.

Finally, there is the most peculiar brain scan of The Hairball. If it looks like a big dried cowpie, that's because that's what it is. That's what he has in his head. Cow shit.

There. I posted some. Now maybe the phones will work. And I will not be dead.

I have here a brain scan of The Mad Bomber, with ominous ghostly lights representing all the countries she would bomb. Maybe next week.

Today they are making the president in Arizona, Idaho, and Utah. In honor of the latter, I am embedding below that state's national anthem, "The Beehive State," by Randy Newman.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VHbvOhJjQ8]

The national anthem of the state of Arizona, it is this song:

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8u4ywcVqY0]

For it is a true Science Fact that the Phoenix area of Arizona, it is actually part Venusian. That is why it is so hot there. The daily average temperature on Venus is 864 degrees. Which is also the typical temperature in a Phoenix parking lot.

There is no national anthem of the state of Idaho, because they do not have music there. Only potatoes.

I am not writing any more about the politics today, because in the politics today there are just too many Dangers. And not only at The Hairball rallies. Oh no. You can just be trying to make the politics in, say, some little Illinois legislative race, and you will get staples in your head.

Assistant State’s Attorney Erin Antonietti said Robert Zwolinski was driving up to his campaign office that night when he saw Jessica Soto and Bradley Fichter putting up Soto's mother's campaign signs right outside his office.

When Zwolinski got out of the car, approached the pair and pulled his opponent's sign down, an argument ensued and Fichter punched him in the left eye and Jessica Soto punched him in the rib area, Antonietti said.

The blows caused Zwolinski to fall, Antonietti said.

While Zwolinski was on the ground, Fichter got on top of him and punched him in the left eye and choked him, Antonietti said.

Jessica Soto allegedly continued the attack by squeezing Zwolinski's genitals, kicking him in the head, striking him in the forehead with a staple gun, and using a beer bottle to pelt him in the nose.

Jessica Soto then went to Zwolinksi's car and threatened Zwolinski's girlfriend while she sat inside, Antonietti said. At the time, Jessica Soto allegedly had the staple gun in her hand.

Lawyers for the staple-gunner and her partner, they say the staple-man is a whining liar who probably stapled his own head.

Their attorneys—Frank Avila and Steven Weinberg—said their clients were acting in self-defense.

Avila said Zwolinski's claim that Fichter and Jessica Soto were putting up campaign posters at Zwolinski's headquarters is nonsense.

Avila also questioned why Zwolinski held a news conference before going to the hospital to have his injuries treated.

"He was doing interviews with a staple in his head," Avila said.

Avila questioned whether Zwolinski stapled his own head.

We will get brain scans, from all of these people. And then we will Know the Truth.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUOHspmsoEY]

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She could end up being 200+ short.

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It's true right now like it was back then. The old devils are at it again. When I say devil you know who I mean these animals in the dark malicious politicians with nefarious schemes charlatans and crooked cops. - 'Old Devils' William Elliot Whitmore

shaharazade's picture

has 'super dupper delegates'. They decided that they needed some primary back up in case the Democratic voters went all lefty and voted for a outsider populist candidate. Hard to know if they would go there as it would really bust up their already dwindling party membership, not to mention the blowback on down ballot Dem. candidates. This Dem. convention ought to be pretty interesting. How low will they go to crown the Mad Bomber? It would also validate Bernies assessment of what's going on in our corrupt, rigged, anti-democratic electoral system.

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PastorAgnostic's picture

Medicaid.

TYT has is on now.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pv1tRa9fr7A

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detroitmechworks's picture

It's in these moments we see the real guy.
Scary thing is you know he's had these exact same types of friendly smiles to nearly every single person he talks to on the Rethug side.
Reminds me of an old Bloom County Cartoon about a retrospective on Senator Bedfellow's career.

"Leaving a Trail of Slime wherever..."

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Shahryar's picture

who can forget his support for Lieberman? I can't. "What's wrong", he chuckled, "with two Democrats running?" Wish I could find a clip of him saying that.

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hecate's picture

needs to get one of those big hooks they use to drag people off the stage, and hook him right out of the politics, and then put him to some actual good use somewhere, like maybe feeding people in a soup kitchen.

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Shahryar's picture

it would make me smirk if lots of Bernie supporters showed up at all the voting places with bullhorns, urging people to vote for Bernie. I'd be curious to see how the authoritarians react. Would they laugh and say "big deal! it's only a $25 fine"?

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Miep's picture

What the electoral law is on independent candidates? I was looking around online and it looked like you have to declare before the primaries etc. get started, but I'm not clear on whether it's up to the individual states, though write ins appear to be.

I don't particularly want to get into debating or conjecturing about Sanders running independently, just curious as to whether it's an option.

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Stay on track. Stay in lane. Don't throw rocks.

seefleur's picture

Many thanks for a laughs/chortles/guffaws that you caused me - many, many thanks!

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Think off-center.
George Carlin

hecate's picture

And I really like your little black person. There are two of those here.

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Shahryar's picture

I'd watch it and get to the end and it wouldn't surprise me.

Now about Idaho, Paul Revere and the Raiders started out in Boise before moving to Oregon. So technically there was music in Idaho but now there might be none.

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hecate's picture

you who would know whether there had ever been any musics in Idaho. ; )

I am thinking maybe a Law was passed prohibiting any further Idaho music after the Raiders released that "Indian Reservation" song.

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Bisbonian's picture

Primarily a fiddle contest, but also banjos, mandolins, guitars, basses. They play in a field, full of stickers, and spend several days there, in tents. Stickerville.

On Wednesday afternoons, in the summer, there is music in the town square in Boise...live music, some local bands, some from around the Northwest. I try to arrange my flights to be in Boise on Wednesdays. I have seen several good bands...one promoted by an old friend of mine who used to live in Bisbee. There is also a radio station that plays some good folk music, DJed by another friend of mine. He and I have played banjo together, and hiked the hills behind Boise. Great trail system.

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"I’m a human being, first and foremost, and as such I’m for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole.” —Malcolm X

hecate's picture

a "wheezer" was a guy who smoked for forty years and now has to drag an oxygen tank around everywhere he goes.

Learn something new every day, here in these intertubes.

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Bisbonian's picture

He plays fiddle.

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"I’m a human being, first and foremost, and as such I’m for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole.” —Malcolm X

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