To best understand what is currently occurring in the presidential campaign of The Mad Bomber, it helps to be conversant with the life and times of the medieval Spanish serial killer Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar—most commonly known as El Cid—and also the "Spock's Brain" episode of the true-life documentary series Star Trek.

Rodrigo, he wandered to and fro, there on the Iberian Peninsula, in the latter half of the 11th Century, killing people. Sometimes he killed Moors, sometimes he killed for Moors (those would be Mooslems, in the American language), and sometimes he killed, or killed for, various Spanish Sanchos and Alfonsos. In his final years, he mostly concentrated on killing Berbers. For himself.

Nobody hears much about Berbers these days. This is because when the white people, they drew all the borders, all over the globe, they decided there didn't need to be any Berberland. Just as peoples like, say, the Karen, and the Kurds, the white people, they decided they didn't need any nations, either.

Anyway. Rodrigo eventually decreed that he needed to be the king of Valencia. Since there were Berbers in Valencia at the time, Rodrigo rounded up some Moor and some Christian serial killers, to help him kill the Berbers, so he could, of Valencia, be The Ruler. This happened. And so, of Valencia, Rodrigo, he was The Ruler. For some five years. Until the Berbers returned, and laid siege to the city.

Rodrigo died in the city, during the siege, probably of some sort of dread siege-type disease. It was after he became dead, that he transformed into the legendary El Cid. Because, though dead, he was armored up, strapped aboard his horse Babieca, and then he "led," a thundering charge, from out of the city. Which freaked the living shit, from out of the Berbers. Who scattered.

Meanwhile, out there in the final frontier, the Enterprise people, they were one day peaceably going where no man had gone before, when some rude woman, she suddenly winked in, there on the bridge, and stole Spock's brain, right out of his head.

Then, she disappeared.

McCoy, he managed to magic a special control box, that could cause the brainless Spock to walk and talk and whatnot, until his brain could be retrieved, and re-inserted, back in his head. Which, eventually, it was.

What does any of this have to do with The Mad Bomber?

Well, everyone knows there are various forms of extraterrestrials, here on this planet. Among these, are the grays. These creatures, they are prone to picking up humans, usually along lonely interstates, then taking them aboard ship, to poke and prod them with various alien instruments, before setting them loose again, with only vague memories, of their graying.

Some time back, a gray decided, in the interests of Gray Science, to poke and prod at the brain, of a human trying to be the American president. The Mad Bomber, she was selected, to be the human examined.

Unfortunately, the gray in charge of this experiment, was kind of a rookie. And so, inadvertently, this rookie gray, sucked The Mad Bomber's entire brain, right out of her head.

The other grays, they all felt very badly about this. And so, until, hopefully, they could figure out, how to put the brain back into The Mad Bomber's head, they provided the Bomber's wife, Huma Abedin, with a control box, with which she could guide the brainless corpse of The Mad Bomber, through her campaign appearances. These grays, they do not quite have the magic of a McCoy, and so, sometimes, their box, it goes on the blink. And that, is when the Bomber, she experiences, her "episodes."

Alas: both the grays, and the Huma-humans, they are now pretty sure, that they are not going to be able to get The Mad Bomber's brain, back into her skull. So the idea, now, is to just ride her, like the expired El Cid, across the finish line, there on November 8, and into the presidency. At some point thereafter, it can be announced that she is dead, and then her vice-presidential running mate, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, he will become the president.

This, of course, will enable the Vatican to, at long last, seize control of the nation. Stay Puft, like Linden Arden, well, "whiskey/runs like water in his veins." And, so, he shall just hole up, in the White House living quarters, there with the Tullamore Dew, and a few fellow red-nosed mates. While the Jesuits, they shall actually run the government. These Jesuits, they will commence to implement the Socialism, of their overlord, Big Frank. Which shall involve beating all the Americans' swords into ploughshares. Distributing all the Americans' monies to the brown people. And confining all the Americans to their beds. There to breed more Catholics. But, otherwise, not get, into any Trouble.

And that's the truth. Ruth.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sad99zG8Mz8]

For the debate Monday night, the campaigns of both The Mad Bomber, and The Hairball, they are each hoping, to just avoid, complete disaster.

The Bomber people, they are praying, on all of their knees, that she will somehow make it through the thing, without having an "episode." While the Hairball people, they are calling on all the gods, to ensure the man, he pulls back from his carnival geek act, just enough so as not to actually bite the heads off any brown people, while standing there on stage.

Thanks to my friend Shep Pressman, of naval intelligence, who has provided me with key NSA intercepts, I can report that both campaigns, they are going into the debate, each prepared, with a "nuclear option."

The Bomber crew, it is going to fit the brainless corpse of the Bomber, before she goes on stage, with a suicide vest. Then, if, while on the television, and before all the people, she starts to slide into an "episode," and said episode, it appears to be terminal, then wife Huma, she will detonate the vest, and thereby blow both the Bomber, and The Hairball, right off the stage. The Bomber people, they will meantimes have it all set up, so that the dimwit Hairballian ass, Milo Yiannopoulos, he shall be fingered, as The Evildoer.

The Hairball folks, meanwhile, have instructed the Keeper of the Hair, while preparing the deadfish orange mop for the debate, to apply very small, but very powerful, explosive charges, a la those in Neal Stephenson's true-life non-fiction tome The Diamond Age, to The Hairball's cranium. Then, if, while on stage, The Hairball, he is, say, suddenly seized by an irresistible impulse, to share with the nation, intimate photographs, of he and his daughter, Lolita Hairball, engaged in steamy threesomes, and moresomes, with "the blacks," Bannon, well, then, he can set off the charges, and thereby take off the top of The Hairball's head. A patsy, outfitted with a high-powered rifle, and festooned with buttons and stickers proclaiming him a partisan of The Cranky Brooklyn Deli Man, he will then be tackled, and seized, and paraded, before the nation, as The Perpetrator.

Just goes to show. That in the politics. Today. One must be prepared. For every. Contingency.

In some of the universes, the debate gets pretty wild, Monday night. Like the ones where the Bomber, while answering some question about trade or something, suddenly proceeds to "episode"—to flip, flop, fly. As wife Huma flaps on stage, weeping and rending her garments, attempting to render assistance, Lolita Hairball, she also rushes the stage, and, in a frenzy, goes down on her knees, and proceeds to do what she does best, fellate her father, who, in his excitement, rapidly bites the heads off three Mexican children, and then those of three Muslim children.

In these universes, all this, is universally hailed, as "good television."

I recently checked in on the universes where, in 2008, Old Man Shouts At Cloud, he became the president, rather than The Kenyan.

In most of these, life is pretty grim. Where it exists. At all.

For, in many of them, just as soon as Old Man Shouts At Cloud, he is informed by the American generals, that, no, they are not going to go fight Russians, in Georgia, he enters one of his legendary temper tantrums, and promptly strokes out.

Which makes Meth Mouth, the president. Until that night when, deep in methamphetamine psychosis, and wanting to see, up close and personal, Jesus, and right now, she seduces/subdues the boy with the briefcase, cracks it open, and commences chanting the nuclear codes.

And that. Is then. That.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpyW1Dn_JSc]

I am very glad that Sixpence, the running mate of The Hairball, he is rarely, in any tube. Because, looking at him, he freaks me right out; like a Berber, losing all his shit, as El Cid, from out the gate, he comes, corpsely, a-thunderin'.

Because Sixpence, he is such a scarifying human, that he has terrified his own hair. Frightened it into turning, corpse-white. And I don't think that anyone, who has horrified his own hair, into going, all white, needs to be anywhere, near, any politics.

That shit, it is like albino hair. Of course, Sixpence, he denies he's an albino; but who can believe, anything, that these people, say?

Just as an aside, and, as proof, that anybody, can do anything, s/he might happen to want, if s/he just . . . goes for it . . . Back in the PI days, there was this guy I knew, who was a surveillance specialist. This was back when surveillance did not involve but staring into tubes, but instead required observing people, out in the real world, with one's own eyeballs. Obviously, a good surveillance person, in such a world, would want, to be someone, not much noticed. And this guy, he was. Not, often, noticed. Though, he was an albino. And albinos, they, generally, are pretty dern, noticeable.

Anyway. The Sixpence hair, it is not so much albinian, I think, as it is like the hair that would be on some dirty, disheveled man, standing at the edge of some woods, mumbling and scratching himself, croakingly trying to convince some child, to come back into the trees, there, to get some "candy."

Maybe Sixpence, he is connected to these clowns, who seem to favor woods, and who are, increasingly, menacing, the Americans.

The dawn of the current clown outbreak, it was previously Tummlered, here. That was when, in Greenville, South Carolina, "a woman said her son had seen 'clowns in the woods' around 8:30 p.m. An investigating deputy then spoke with another person who said a clown was also seen near a garbage dumpster. There were also claims from some children that several clowns had been seen in the woods trying to persuade them to follow them with large amounts of money."

That was less than a month ago; yet, already, the clowns, they have gone pretty much totally wild, and spread their menace, all across, the nation.

To wit, this story, from yesterday:

There have been multiple creepy clown sightings reported across the nation.

Roaming clowns have been spotted in Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina and Wisconsin.

Now, in Tchula, Mississippi, Police Chief Kenneth Hampton said he saw someone wearing a mask, a multi-colored wig and overalls around 11 p.m. on Wednesday. The person ran away after seeing the patrol vehicle.

He was alarmed that the person was carrying what looked like a machete or some type of sword. He said that it is probably a teenager, but anyone confronting someone with a sword or machete would feel threatened.

That would not be healthy for the person dressed as a clown, added Hampton.

"There was a blackout in Tchula last night, and everybody blamed the clown," Hampton said.

A Science Man, who specializes, in the Science, of clowns, he has determined, that the creepy clown infestation, it has most probably been generated, by The Hairball. And, presumably, The Hairball's sidekick. Sixpence.

As everyone who cares about America is probably aware, clown hysteria has taken over the Carolinas. The big-shoed menaces are allegedly lurking in the woods near residences, offering candy and money to children. People are chasing the clowns into the woods with machetes and leaning hard on their 911 autodials. At least one apartment complex has issued an official anti-clown warning. It's gotten so bad that police are discouraging people in those areas from dressing as clowns at all.

Why clowns? Why now? What's going to happen next? Atlas Obscura spoke with cryptozoologist Loren Coleman—perhaps the world's foremost authority on mysterious clowns—about this latest outbreak. Spoiler: he blames old wounds, sad journalists, and "the real clown," The Hairball.

This makes sense. Because, as evidenced by the true-life, unretouched photograph, reproduced above, The Hairball, he is Known to be appearing in storm drains, there trying to lure little children, into such anathemas, as building walls.

Not a stretch. Then. From that. Unto Sixpence. Masturbating like a monkey. In that corpse-white hair. At the edge of some woods. Inviting all the little children in. To party. With the clowns.

The Chinese and the Indians, they can stop their bickering now, about which has the oldest continuous civilization.

Like most of the human bickering, this particular spat, it has always been amusing; because, like most of the human bickerers, all of them, were, always, wrong.

For, the Findings, from the Science Men, they are now in. And the oldest continuous civilization on this planet, it is that of the Aborigines. Some 50,000 years. So the Chinese. And the Indians. With their little quibbles. About 3500 years here, and 5000 years there. They can both go sit in the corner. And pretend they never argued. This argument. At all.

That the Aborigines, they have always been uber alles, this was always obvious, to anyone non-Aborigine, non-Chinese, non-Indian, who endeavored, to understand, these three civilizations. The Indian and Chinese civilizations, they are fairly easy, for an outsider, to apprehend; given sufficient will, and desire. But Aboriginal civilization, it remains, and absolutely, impenetrable. Not even the extraterrestrial anthropologist Werner Herzog, who gets almost everything, about almost all of the humans, could he, Get There. "Even if we spent fifty years living with the Aborigines and spoke their language, we would still only comprehend them marginally," he concluded. While working on his film Where The Green Ants Dream. Which concerns Aborigines. And which is the only film of his, of which he is ashamed. Because. He knew. He didn't get it. He confessed as much, to the Aborigines working on, and in, his film. Who told him: "We don't understand you, either. But we see you have your own dreaming."

Aboriginal civilization, it is anchored in dreamtime. Which is not apprehended, or even approached, by either the "Western," or "Eastern," mind. It only fleetingly intersects, with what the rest of the humans, regard as Reality.

The dreamtime. It is more Real. Than "reality."

It is, as the white-person film director Peter Weir, once fumblingly tried to describe it, "a way of perceiving, another perception; the dreamtime isn't something in the past, but is a continuing thing. It is, in fact, another time, and people of great power, can step into it, and step back into our time."

When the Aborigine elder Nanji Gulpilil, he was cast in Weir's The Last Wave, Gulpilil explained to Weir that "the Sydney [Aboriginal] people are dead—white contact destroyed them. And Nanji just said 'Poor fellows.' The only thing was, Nanji insisted that there are still the Sydney people there, but they're spirits, and their spirits exist at sacred sites, and protect sacred sites, and so, if [as in the film,] there's a sacred site under Sydney, he said, 'The spirits will be there; therefore, I cannot be human.' In my story, Charlie [Gulpill's character], was human, initially. He pointed out that that was impossible. But he could be a spirit that took on human form; this is quite possible."

All of the all of the all of the all of it. In dreamtime. Is quite. Possible.

Aborigines. They have never. Had. A president. Nor. Shall they. Ever.

We are still in touch with these realities—the prophecies, the traditions of our ancestors. We learn from the elders, from nature, from the powers. And when the catastrophe is over, we will still be here. I don’t care if it's only a handful. We will survive: harmony will be reestablished. That's, revolution.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwAlxpRxsv0]