Why Have A Community If You Can't Be Yourself?
The very title above is threatening to cause me a panic attack. And I rarely never have those. But tempus fugit, so here goes...
I am transgender. At some level I've known I was not like everyone around me going all the way back to early childhood. I've tried to make the best of being manly but with little success, and less enthusiasm. My youth goes back to the stone age when just being gay or lesbian was a mental illness. When I first sought medical help in the form of psychotherapy, I was ridiculed by the therapist because he said it was impossible a man to want to be a woman and not be attracted to men. In other words, in order to be a "real" transgender woman, I had to be a straight transwoman. The problem was I am not and never was attracted to men. I've had three encounters with men; all equally disappointing and degrading. It's not that difficult for me to understand why most women don't jump at the chance to hop in the sack. Men are mostly boors and predominantly selfish, self-centered jerks.
This rejection led to a half-hearted attempt at suicide. Luckily, my girlfriend was a nurse and had me involuntarily committed to a loonie bin where I spent the next month trying to get back out into the world. Being locked up with other losers was something I vowed to never repeat. I "forgot" about being me and trudged through life more or less on auto-pilot. Depression, which I've mentioned here in various comments, became something to be dealt with - my safety valve was telling myself if things got really, really too bad, I could always check out. I'm glad I didn't.
Things came to a head at Christmastime. I had the pistol in one hand, and the bullet in the other. But I decided I'd pushed it far enough and it was time to take back control over my life. At the time, I still couldn't put my finger on my depression(s). I've been depressed for so long I no longer gave any thought why I was depressed. I just was.
But along came c99p. Along came Robyn's essays. And along came Steven D's essay. And I finally developed a backbone. I have realized I don't want to go to my grave wishing I'd done what I should have done if I wasn't so scared of everything. (Rejection.)
In the mean time since oh so long ago, therapy has come a long way. I've spent the bulk of the last several weeks reading - reading about what transgenderism is, and I've concluded it's not a "something". It's a spectrum of feelings that most people don't have to deal with - never even think about. People like me are no longer mentally ill. We're just different. And it turns out everybody is different from everybody else. If more people would only acknowledge this Vérité, there wouldn't be so much pain in the world.
Practically speaking, I'm trying (so far in vain) to connect with the Therapy Center of Philadelphia - Affordable Therapy For Women and Trans Communities. I really need some practical help coming out and adjusting to my future. I don't want to give up hope, but I'm starting to doubt there is a trans community in Philly. Philly is, after all, the place where "Fuck You. Leave me alone." first became a standard salutation. This is all in flux as I type. We'll see what develops.
I hate long walks on the beach. I'm kind of partial to cork wedgies, (but a 65 year old broad could probably only pull that off in Miami.) As you've seen me here, I like to share and teach some of the things I've picked up along the way. I hope by now you know me for what I say and how I say it.
Thank you for reading.
Alan
P.S. The little devil in me thinks I should change my name to Alison Wunderlund, but I'll stick with AB for now.
Comments
That wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.
Thank you, Robyn, for illuminating the path through the murk.
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Fear is the mind killer
And now you have faced your fear and discovered that it was not as powerful. Thank you. Courage deserves to be applauded.
Your friend,
Steve
"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott
I owe you a great debt for the inspiration, Steven.
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Nothing great is accomplished without
great input.
Re-emerging or re-inventing ones self is often a vital part of life.
FDR 9-23-33, "If we cannot do this one way, we will do it another way. But do it we will.
Hey Alison --
Hang in there. Love the "weasel" avatar, BTW -- they are cunning, cute, and ferocious survivors ...
When Cicero had finished speaking, the people said “How well he spoke”.
When Demosthenes had finished speaking, the people said “Let us march”.
I haven't been the least depressed in weeks.
The weasel seemed the most appropriate... for the reasons you listed, jwa.
But a bird would be cool too. Birds molt.
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It's a ferret, yes?
I'm hoping you're finally feeling okay to be You!
I can only imagine trying to blend into this fucked up (but changing) puritan society if I were a trans!
Psst: I'm attracted to a gender I'm not "supposed" to be, as well. My kids know. My brother knows. My ex girlfriend knows.
... "change their plumage", maybe --
When Cicero had finished speaking, the people said “How well he spoke”.
When Demosthenes had finished speaking, the people said “Let us march”.
And it's called moulting.
(Typo earlier. I was exhausted but too excited to go to sleep.)
Moulting.
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Did not know that!
Every time I see your ferret picture here, it makes me smile.
You're awesome and inspiring. If you can make it in Philadelphia, you can make it anywhere. Forget NYC, I swear, Philly is where the term "mean streets" had to have come from. I don't remember if it's still there or not, but the old Veterans Stadium was the only venue that a city police force ever located a precinct inside of. Having grown up in Pittsburgh, I remember visiting family in Philly, and people there (only somewhat laughingly) giving us shit for "being from the part of PA that should have been West Virginia" (grrr). Every time I went downtown, I'm sure I looked like an idiot tourist, wandering around with my eyes wide open in what probably looked like stupid. It was actually more fear. For some reason I always found it to be a very intimidating place. So if you're hanging in there there, you're one tough cookie.
And it is good to be that. Keeps crumbling to a minimum. But even on those days you're not feelin' it, your friends have your back (((sends hugs)))
She's A Weasel.
Cunning, cute, and a determined survivor.
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from indomitable will." - Jawaharlal Nehru
Unlike the downtown neighborhoods which are militantly urbane, the rest of Philly is much like the rest of Pennsyltukey - boorish, bigoted, small-minded, and decidedly unfriendly. There are vast swaths of Philly where the locals have never ventured more than ten blocks in any direction. Makes for a populace ripe for propaganda. Most fall for the Fox slant.
There's a popular t-shirt here that reads:
I live here.
I am not a tourist.
I don't answer questions.
But do come to visit. We can always use fresh meat.
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Parking Wars & Franklin's street grid
Those are the things that come to mind when I think of Philadelphia. I feel sorry for anyone who gets their car impounded by the city (watched a Parking Wars marathon); and Ben's layout of the city at its founding was so practical and organized (learned about it in elementary). I should probably think of cheese steak, but I don't.
Haahahaha!
I'm sorry that Pennsyltucky has migrated so far east--I had no idea. It must be rather jarring at times.
Your weasel is really cute! I almost called it an otter, I really wasn't sure
Speaking of otters, this was almost my pic here...
That is Wonderful
I'm very happy to hear your depression is gone. I hope it stays gone.
Thank you AB...
this, you, the community that we've grown into, make all the work put into this site worth while. Thank you for this, thank you for being you, my friend.
You've done all the heavy lifting, JtC.
I only come here to play. But it feels like home. (Truth is I never learned to stop playing and take life seriously.)
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Hey, great essay, thanks. FWIW, Oscar Wilde never
really said
, but he should have. We must grow older but needn't really "grow up" in the brain dead USA usage of the phrase.
That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --
Alana would be lovely.
But the loveliest thing of all is you here amongst us.
You are indeed different because your are so intelligent, so sharp witted, so passionate, all at once, and some or most of us, not so much.
oh, and then there is that gender id thingie. That does set you apart, but as equal from a different perspective.
You are my heart.
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981
Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty
Thank you for sharing that. I lived in Philadelphia for almost 10 years. I spent some very dark and lonely days there, and also some happy and beautiful days there. It's a city with a lot of sides to it. I would go back if I could. Your hard won clarity and conviction is inspiring, and I hope you can find a network of love and support as you continue your journey.
Cork wedgies
Of course you can rock cork wedgies at age.65. Just avoid the tight capris and cat-eyed sunglasses--in other words, don't make your clothes look like a costume. I love wedge heeled shoes with wrap-around skirts, simple blouses and big hats, or peasant (boho) dresses with tiered skirts and little shrug sweaters.
OK, that clears things up a bit...
A cork wedgie sounded very uncomfortable. Then I find out it's a shoe.
And to AB: Now I want to go to the Philly convention 2x as much - once to support the Revolution and the other to support your revolution with a big tight hug. And I can not afford either one }:-( so an internet hug is all I can offer.
Most love - GLS
Compensated Spokes Model for Big Poor.
I never wear heels; not pumps, not kittens, not stilettos,
not wedgies. Never, ever. Those things are painful and can give you bunions!
Flats, tennies, sandals, slippers please.
Now cats'-eye sunglasses, that's a different story...!
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I've been tromping around in UGGs for so long,
I'm not sure I wouldn't break an ankle on the first day in heels. lol. You can't go cheap on shoes though. OK. Well, you can. I'm not riche anymore but I saw a cute pair of tennies at the place where Po People shop.
I stopped by the Cactus Critters, elena.
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Heh. To each their own, of course, but do be careful! Ankles
have been known to be broken on high heels; I twisted an ankle a few times myself.
Back in the day, pumps were required at work. I worked at a clinic, wore pumps, no problem. Then I worked in a lab where I always could wear tennies, thought it was heaven. Then I worked in a hospital where they wanted me to wear heels, and I just could not do it by then! The front of my calves wouldn't stretch like that any more and my toes were extremely unhappy. My claims of pain weren't good enough, though - I had to bring a doctor's note to get special compensation to wear flats. So in my world, tennies are an act of rebellion. Thank heaven I now work at home. Everything makes so much more sense!
I'm glad you stopped by. We have a little fun. BTW, you might like my rendering of Scott Weaselker:
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I'm not going to cry. I'm not.
25 years ago I purged a very sophisticated wardrobe of designer clothes and shoes. Capris are for teenagers, and cat-eyed sunglasses just tacky. The rest we're in agreement.
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Capris are fine for everyone
I live in the South and Capris and Bermuda shorts are my standard ward robe in the summer and fall.
Wear what you want and makes you feel comfortable. Life's to short to be judgemental
" El pueblo unido jamás será vencido. The people united will never be defeated "
Bravo
It takes great courage to write what you have written, AB. To open yourself up completely. I feel humble to be part of a community where you feel comfortable enough to do so, terrified or not. Peace.
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance. - e.e.cummings
You might be interested in Plum Street Chili blog
Older lady, raunchy, foody, into politics, interesting as hell, & lives in Philly.
Here's a recent post about her sexuality called Gender Confusion.
Check it out.
Thanks, pdh. I'm already reading. She's funny.
And so far... practical. (Reading the potato entry.)
About gender confusion... Life would be truly dull if all there was were salt and pepper.
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Don't slap down capris, AB
I am headed to Argentina/Brazil/Chile/Easter Island in October.
Long pants, hot.
Shorts, for a 64yr old not so much.
Capris... likely the trip prep answer.
It's a thing.
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981
I shouldn't be judgemental at this point. LOL.
And I'm sure they would do wonders for my varicose veins.
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As I said, AB,
it's a thing.
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981
Alison Wunderlund is an excellent name
If you want it, you should take it.
Being able to walk our right path does help relieve
depression. There is two major obstacles first finding it and then pushing past our fear of rejection to walk the path. Glad the community was here for you and you have been here for us.
Still yourself, deep water can absorb many disturbances with minimal reaction.
--When the opening appears release yourself.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us
I'm glad that you decided to live and accept who you are and hope that you can find a community to join in and talk with other people about yours and other people's journeys.
Most of the world has come a long way in accepting people for who they are, but if you run into any bigots, don't listen to them.
Yes, this is a great site that was created by people who care about the 99% of the people in our country and the world.
I like Alison as your name.
I took 30 years to accept who I was and after I accepted myself, I never looked back.
Take good care of yourself.
Which AIPAC/MIC/pharma/bank bought politician are you going to vote for? Don’t be surprised when nothing changes.
THANK YOU ALL, and Good Night.
I know I'll sleep well tonight. See you all tomorrow.
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I'll Tell Yah
You look up the definition of persistence in the face of overwhelming odds, you'll find a reference to rserven.
You are not wrong. They are. They are the rotten crotch that would sterilize Nature and evolution, and make us all dead-end freaks. Who wants to live forever? Not me. Humans are too clueless to dictate to Nature. Pushing the envelope of identity is evolution. It's natural. LGBT ... more letters ... this is evolution. As we seek to expand our understanding and consciousness, so we seek to expand our fundamental nature as opposed to those who seek to dictate narrowness. If we stop, if we listen to the frightened, we'll die. Nature does not reward the static. Symbolically, if rserven stops, we're evolutionary toast.
We're at a cusp. We can temper with artificial incrementalism or embrace possibility that had been sacrificed for control by the few. More and more are realizing we have been misled all along ... about EVERYTHING political. Every minute we are whipped and beaten and turned against each other in order to conform to some psychopath's idea of what a functioning society should look like.
What is being done is directed and imposed. It's not the natural order.
I am glad you have found a home here at c99p.
It does feel like the sort of place where you can sit around in underwear and barefoot, or wear wedgies or mules. And most of us have varicose veins by the time we are in our 60's. At least we've made it this far. Like you, with some dodges along the way. Peace!
Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.
Congratulations on facing and
Congratulations on facing and beating that fear. Also, congratulations for the coming to terms with yourself, it is hard to live inside ones' own skin when it feels "wrong".
So long, and thanks for all the fish
I hope Robyn sees this. She has ploughed many rows for a long
time. You have energy and intelligence with a soupçon of wicked humor. It will see you through. Plus the friends you make as you are more and more your self.
I say felicitations are in order. Nice working with you too.
Keep writing.
You may choose to look the other way, but you can never say again you did not know. ~ William Wiberforce
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Dear A.B., Thank you
I read this essay hours ago and was touched by it at the time for the courage you showed in telling your story. That is both admirable and brave. Then, after further reflection, your courage and openness not only made me feel pride in your accomplishment but also immense pride in the c99 community. It is a community--and quite a community indeed. I am honored to be a part of this. I could not have imagined how unique OUR community is, until I realized the opportunity to share and share deeply such profoundly personal feelings, fears, and frustrations--in the knowledge that your concerns would be not only accepted here but WELCOMED. I express my gratitude to you, A.B., for your enlightening me as to what a precious community c99 is, and to JtC for forming this site. This is my HOME, also, on the internet, and I am proud to call it such. My sincere appreciation to each and all of you who have helped create such a caring environment.
So glad this is a place you can
Be yourself, AB.
"I’m a human being, first and foremost, and as such I’m for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole.” —Malcolm X
Insight
Your essay provided great insight into your world and the transgender community. Thank You for sharing! You are on the right path by facing your fears reaching out to others. Good Luck on your journey and feel welcome to share in this community.
What a nice essay, AB!
You are someone who has contributed so much to this community and I am so happy that you feel so comfortable as to let us know more about yourself. We all self censor because we are worried about what others may think about us instead of just being ourselves. Your openness is an inspiration to us all, whether we are straight, gay, bi, transgender, or whatever degree of any of those we identify with. It does not matter to me what you identify yourself as. What matters is that you are happy with you. Thank you for being you!
Do I hear the sound of guillotines being constructed?
“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." ~ President John F. Kennedy
As my mother used to say
"How boring this world would be if we were all the same." Anita née 1908.
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
Vive la difference!
I've been called different for many other reasons and I wore this label with honor and pride every time it was thrown at me. My reply usually was,"You better believe it!"
I will be 65 yo Monday and I'm still ME, unbroken. Doesn't mean I never cried or tried to fit in. It never worked and left me unhappy.
To you I would say, it's never to late to be you. Life is too short not to. If Philly doesn't want you,screw them, there are other places.
Isn't Philly the city of brotherly love?
" El pueblo unido jamás será vencido. The people united will never be defeated "
Yeah, sorry about spouting off about capris.
At that particular moment I had a flash of leopard print capris, cat-eyed sunglasses, and gold-toned slides. And curlers. Yeeech!
Anyway, Philly itself is different. It's the only major city that never makes it onto the Case-Shiller Top-20 Real Estate list. In a way, it's the city time forgot.
I'm not worried, just impatient.
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I was kidding
when I said not be judgmental. Sorry it didn't come across.
Your flashback reminded me of that brit show 'Fabulous'. At least I think that was the name. One of the women dresses so over the top it's a scream...in a good way.
Don't be impatient...every journey starts with one step.
" El pueblo unido jamás será vencido. The people united will never be defeated "
It's a LaCroix, Sweetie!
Pats: Eddie, what are you wearing!?
Edina: It's a LaCroix, Sweetie.
Pats: Fabulous.
Compensated Spokes Model for Big Poor.
Facing fears takes courage.
And it seems like you have a lot of it. Thanks for writing this, and I'm very glad you have found a home here!
Thank you!
Thank you for this essay. I always enjoy reading your posts. It sounds sappy and religious, but I have been blessed so much by your writings and others on c99.
Wish for you all good things!
Marilyn
"Make dirt, not war." eyo
I am always afraid to say something in Robyn's diaries
because I have so many difficulties to understand what's going on in a person who wants to be of another gender than the biologically visible to the outside world would indicate.
Now I am upset what your therapist did to you. You were biolgoically a man, felt you would like to be a woman, but as a that woman, you felt you weren't attracted to men, right? So, what's wrong with that? It was the therapist, who drove you almost to suicide? I am so glad you are alive and your girlfriend was kind of an angel to have rescued you.
Why I have difficulties to say anything with regards to the LGBT community? I guess it's basically due to the way I was raised, ie an unspoken rule that you stay out of anyone's bedroom and intimate relationships. I have worked as an adult (being over 30 years old) with lesbian and gay colleagues. All of them were openly so. We knew their partners and it never was a problem to integrate the couples into our social work life. All of them were kind, calm and very sensitive to their colleague's personal issues. Actually it was in many ways much more pleasant to work with them than with "the rest of the bunch".
But I had another experience that made me scared and more reluctant to "say" anything. My former husband (a handsome, good looking African, many women felt attracted to) once was followed by a gay person on the streets in Berlin, Germany. He was still a student (that was in the late sixties) and he had a quite emotional reaction to that person who followed him. He basically chased him away and threatened him to beat him up if he wouldn't leave him alone. That emotional reaction stunned me. So, I knew, it came out of his own cultural upbringing somehow, but I was stunned about the intensity of his feelings. I never forgot that, but it came never up again in my life as an issue for a long time.
It was only during the Obama administration that I realized that the progressive and liberal community was very critical of the "African reaction" to homosexuality. I was also naive an unaware of the "sex tourism" to African countries for hetero-, as well as homosexuals. I was always conflicted between realizing that there was this "typical" reaction by African males (may be that has changed these days) and the fact that homosexuals were put in concentration camps in Hitler's Nazi Germany. How to consolidate those facts?
Apparently it is hard as well to respect an emotional resentment of Africans towards homosexuality and not to judge it as discrimination. Obama made a speech in Kenya, I believe, basically telling the Africans to respect the LGBT community in their country, but the Africans weren't that enthused about that sort of lecturing from Obama. It has been voiced by other Africans leaders later on again. So, I would consider it as diplomatic to leave the African community alone in their feelings vis a vis homosexuality as a Western politician.
Since I see that "emotional conflict" between the African communities, who consider heterosexuality the "norm" and the "right thing", and the LGBT community in the Western world, I kind of didn't know anymore what to think and decided to not comment on those issues.
I can understand both sides and I do think no one should judge and lecture anyone for how they feel and no one should be discriminated or prosecuted, as long as they keep their bedroom activities more or less private and a personal matter, so to speak.
I think most people here would say that this way of thinking is discriminatory, that's why I remain silent. I do feel I have never discriminated any transgender, lesbian or gay person, but I feel that people don't think about me that way. That makes me insecure and silent.
When it comes to this place, C99p, being a home for a diverse group of people, I can only say, kudos to the community. I always am amazed how people here can stand my presence and my comments without throwing eggs in my face. It's a very generous group of people here.
Oh, and btw your story also reinforces my personal rule to never allow in my household a gun and ammunition.
Ok, old-fashioned mama I am. So what? Bottom line, I am very happy to see you alive.
Thank you for writing, mimi. You should write here more often.
You're eloquent and always lucid and on topic. Please stop selling yourself short. Now on to your comment...
Your difficulty in understanding, in my opinion naturally, and no offense meant, is in phrasing the dilemma as "wanting to be another gender." One doesn't want to be another gender as though it were a lifestyle choice. One either is or isn't the gender they present to the world. Sometimes it isn't even as clear as that. As more research is done, it's becoming apparent that far more people are affected by some form of Gender Dysphoria than originally thought simply because more research is producing more data. As research continues, it is also becoming apparent that it isn't an aberration, or mental illness (if you will), but a manifestation of the varieties of "gender" in the population as a whole. (That link is well worth reading.)
Incidentally, this link - List of transgender-related topics - just scratches the surface of a very complicated and often bewildering subject. I've read quite a few of the articles. Some of them fade though with information overload.
A brief anecdote. I have a cousin who is gay. I first recall meeting him when he was 5>6 years old. I was about 13. I knew he was gay then even though he hadn't reached puberty. He just was. Unfortunately, this was in the early 60s and his parents were strict middle-americans. They eventually made his life miserable and dis-owned him for something over which he had no choice or control.
As am I, mimi. At the time it was just too far off the beaten path even for a gay psychiatrist, who turned out to be a misogynist as well. Another example of this whole gender subject not being cut-and-dried. My girlfriend was a peach.
A well-reasoned out look. It's such a not-an-issue among our friends, of whom a fair number are LGB, that I've not given it much thought. In that respect, Philly, such as we know it, is a humane place to live.
Perhaps some of it was culture, perhaps some of it was simply being upset about being stalked. That can't be pleasant for anyone no matter who is the stalker.
I hadn't noticed that there was a particularly African reaction to homosexuality. I will say that in my observations cultures with stronger religious ties and stricter mores are apt to make stronger discriminatory statements regarding, not just homosexuals, almost anyone who doesn't fit that culture's religiously accepted modes of behavior.
[controversial statement follows] The Spanish cultures with their strong religious leanings and machismo rigidity are as discriminatory of LGBTs as anyone else. Likewise the Biblical-Americans of no particular ethnic bent.
Here I think you're conflating discrimination with righteous indignation. Were you to formulate a blanket condemnation of a race or culture based on one of their prejudices, that would rather negate the effects of your being open-minded.
You should call out discrimination and injustice where you see it.
Oh stop it before I have to get out my tiny violin.
An admirable policy. I've been charming the Cobra for so long, it doesn't frighten me anymore. Besides, when The Revolution© comes, I plan on being the bitch that fights back.
Please write more often, mimi.
By the way, you forgot to wish me "Welcome to C99P, AB!"
(I can be such an asshole, huh.)
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yes, my formulation of "wanting to be another gender" was
thoughtless, because I actually have learned a lot during the time reading at TOP and here and understood that it is not a choice and accepted it. So, sorry for have slipped, and for using that formulation.
And no, with regards to the reaction of my former husband when he was young, it was not a matter of being stalked.
It was a very instinctive, intense reaction coming from the guts. That's what was upsetting to me. But I didn't say anything. I have seen later on, during visits in Africa, similar reaction by other elderly males. It's either culture or it's really an inate instinctive gut reaction. I am not clear on that. There are a couple of instinctive reactions people have when it comes to inter-racial or inter-gender related intimate relations.
I don't believe anymore that you can control those reactions. People oppress them, both to discriminate or to prove the opposite, ie that they do not discriminate. The first is brutal, the latter is fake. Just the conclusion I came to during my life time. Whatever I say, it's not coming out right.
It's just very disturbing, as these days the issues become political and destructive and have wide consequences in the relation between countries. In my opinion totally nuts. All the bad stuff is reborn again. It smells like fascism is in the morning in my neighborhood.
With regards to writing, I would say I have first to read. Started a book by Varoufakis today. When I have finished it, I will write about that.
I wasn't capable of reading a book for years. Everybody has his own symptoms of being "beaten down". I will be proud, when I finish it. It's my way of proving to myself that I am on my way to "heal".
Did I tell you that as an accidental immigrant stranded in the US, my dream was to settle in my own bookstore... It never worked out. That's why I "love" Bezos and the internet so much. They both were very instrumental in my "downfall".
Thoughtless but I knew it wasn't critical or disparaging.
My point was more along the lines of "you can't know if you don't know." I'm probably one of those rare people who thought Donald Rumsfeld's infamous "known knows, known unknowns, etc., etc." was a brilliant piece of philosophical linguistics.
But as well, "wanting to be another gender" is appropriate in describing the feeling (at least for me), since this gender is not the least bit comfortable.
I love that you wanted to have a book store. I'm an incorrigible bibliophile. I'll stop and read the packaging of anything if nothing else is at hand. Sorry it didn't work out for you, mimi.
I think the species is headed for a nervous breakdown. Incrementalism sucks, but I don't think most people can handle the rate at which things they take as givens are changing, and it's causing serious stress to the body humanic.
Hang in there, mimi. We'll get through it together.
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thx, you are generous and graceful the way you help me out
to navigate the issues. I am just grateful for it.
in other news, a German Green Party parliamentarian
was arrested in Turkey, because he participated in a "Pride Rally" in Istanbul and wanted to help other activists, who tried to prevent the arrest of an activist of the homosexual movement, who was about to make a statement.
The Green MEP Terry Reintke said her employees Felix Banaszak and the speaker of the Green Youth NRW, Max Lucks had been arrested in the incident. They have tried in vain to prevent the arrests of the two Germans. Both were in police custody. "The policemen were very aggressive."
Just saying ...
Thanks Alison, AB
Your story is our story as this community is chock full of people who feel free to be themselves without fear of rejection and judgement. I'm so sorry that our society forces people to conform to a norm that is not normal and causes people to feel there is something wrong about who they really are. Stay sassy and fuck them if they can't take a joke.
Self determination scares people who are full of hate and fear. Perhaps they are afraid of looking at who they are and anyone who's free and embraces their sexuality confuses them. I think it's great you are feeling free enough to talk about who you are here. I hope this community helps you not be depressed about your beautiful true self.
I'm so glad your journey brought you to caucus99percent as your inspiring, smart and damn funny. I love your humanity and the weasel always makes me happy. Thank you for sharing your story and for being here. I am an old coot and I vote for Capri's and straight skinny jeans. I just find Capris that hit my ankles. I'm a small person with skinny legs so they work for me. One of the taunt's thrown my direction as a kid was 'pencil legs'. Now cork or any kind of wedgie shoe make me look ridiculous. Flats for me.
Keep singing your song.
afternoon ab...
i'm glad that things are working out for you and that you're happy here. i'd imagine that if you dropped robyn a pm she'd be delighted to hear that her work is helping folks out.
Hi Joe. I did but I don't want to be a pest.
I'll save my pesty energy for all the people who didn't return all my phone calls this week.
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I am very happy for you, AB, and glad
that C99P feels enough like 'home' that you feel comfortable sharing you personal journey with us.
Suppression can exact quite a toll, so I feel certain that you will continue to improve, as you've already mentioned (regarding alleviating feelings of depression, that is).
I don't always comment, but I read and rec, and very much enjoy your sustainability posts, which are sometimes quite a bit above my pay grade, though I always pick up something, even with my limited knowledge of such matters.
My best to you, as you navigate the future . . .
Mollie
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."--Lao Tzu
Visit Us At Save Our Street Dogs (SOSD)
Everyone thinks they have the best dog, and none of them are wrong.
people seem to confuse gender ID and sexual orientation
Thank you so much for this essay!
One of the most important things I've learned over the years is that how we see and experience ourselves (our gender identity) is a completely separate thing from who we're attracted to (our sexual orientation). I know trans men who are gay (attracted to other men) and trans men who are straight (attracted to women) and those who are bi. And the same is true for trans women: some are straight (attracted to men) and some are lesbian (attracted to women) or bi.
If you haven't read or seen Kate Bornstein (author of Gender Outlaw, among others), do yourself a favor and check her out. She is upbeat, talented, funny, insightful, and supportive. http://katebornstein.typepad.com/ I've seen her live, and she is a treat!
May this morning find you filled with joy!
blaze
There is no justice in America, but it is the fight for justice that sustains you.
--Amiri Baraka
Thank you for this, blaze.
You're so right, gender and orientation are way more complex (and fluid) than most people heretofore have considered. I'm glad more light is being shown on the subject.
TY for the link too. I love links. More reading and often more links; like following a trail of breadcrumbs in the woods.
I am in fact filled with joy and contentment... and anticipation: Calls finally returned, appointments made; a schedule is materializing.
I love your avatar. Hen&Chicks?
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