It gets better

Back in the mid-80s my friends and I were at the only gay bar within 100 miles in any direction and one of the only five in the entire state of Tennessee. It was the middle of summer and everyone had Saturday Night Fever. Being the only gay bar around it was always crowded on the weekends and everyone was in their groups. The lesbians were hanging out by the pool table. The preppies were in the corner booth. The punk and new wave crowd were in the darkest corner. Alternately the drag queens were in the spotlight. The minorities who felt safer in a gay bar than any straight bar around were there too. And then there was me, the discoholic who only stopped shaking my groove thing to get another drink.

It was a weird setup. Here you had such a diverse group of people in one building all sharing what was usually the high point of their week. Although nobody talked about it we all dreaded when the DJ played the obligatory Donna Summer track “Last Dance” and we would all trudge out the door of this fantasyland back to the real world. A world where most people, although having never even met us, hated us. Growing up, this bar was the only place I could be exactly who I knew I was. I couldn’t do that at work. I couldn’t do that in school. I couldn’t even do that at home with my family. We were all different types of people and for the most part got along because we all had one thing in common. Most of the world hates us.

I was in a disco-trance spinning and whirling to Bronski Beat’s “Small Town Boy”. That song is a personal anthem to me. Suddenly a commotion started in the bar. This happens all the time. The dykes get drunk and start a fist fight and people run over to ‘watch the show’. That’s when I noticed the smoke. Okay, so it’s not a dyke duke out...it’s a fire! I began to proceed with caution to the front door which was barely visible through the smoke. As I got closer to the smoke that’s when it hit me, this isn’t smoke...this is tear gas. Everyone’s eyes started burning, their lungs contracting in pain, everyone coughing and gasping for breath. I distinctly remember at that moment being afraid to run out the front door in fear that we were being flushed out and would all be gunned down as we exited. However, it wasn’t an option to stay in the building.

Luckily there were no guns waiting for us outside. Just doubled over and vomiting drag queens, punks with mascara running, and every face filled with the question, “WHY?” The tear gas bombs were tossed into the bar by three guys who took off immediately. They were never prosecuted, never even sought after. I even heard one police officer say to another, “Why bother? It’s just a bunch of fags. Anyway it’s not like anybody got hurt.”

There were about 200 people in the bar on that night. Sure, the policeman said nobody was hurt. But that’s not completely true. Next weekend the bar was only half full. We had been terrorized. Many were afraid to go back to the one place, the only place for most of them, that they've ever felt safe. Three guys who hate gay people for whatever reason took no regard for us as humans and violently attacked us with seemingly no remorse.

Fast-forward 30 years and here we are again. Someone who hates gays for whatever reason violently attacks them with seemingly no remorse. Only this time many lives are lost. They have been terrorized. The survivors are carrying an internal scar of terrorism. I doubt any of them will be able to walk into that bar for a very long time. I recognize that kind of scarring. It makes me cry to see how much deeper their wounds go than the ones I endured. It gets better...my ass it does.

I now live in San Francisco and gay bars are plentiful. I feel safe in them. I don’t feel as surrounded by the hate as much as I used to. Don’t get me wrong, it’s there; it’s just a lot less visible nowadays. The San Francisco Gay Pride Festival is coming up in less than two weeks. I’ve already had two friends say they are concerned about attending this year. As for me, I’m more determined to go now. I’ve observed the LGBTQ community has been taking a much needed break from politicking after the years long battle to get the right to marry. A constitutional right which still has a lot of people wailing and gnashing their teeth. I intend to go to pride and make a noise about what happened in Tennessee thirty years ago, what happened in Orlando three days ago, and what’s been happening and will continue to happen all over the planet.

It has gotten better, in some ways. We can marry, serve in the military, and in some places we even have discrimination protections. We’ve come a long way baby. In some ways it's getting worse again. Orlando reminds us all that we’ve still got a long, long way to go.

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Someone who hates gays for whatever reason violently attacks them with seemingly no remorse.

He was gay

The relatively straightforward narrative of the Sunday morning Orlando attack, a single, ISIS-inspired gunman acting on the basis of the group’s anti-gay policies, seems to be falling apart with the latest reports dramatically confusing the matter, and painting gunman Omar Mateen is a much different light.
After yesterday’s shock at the ordeal began to clear, patrons at the attacked nightclub, Pulse, discovered something incredible, and totally absent from the initial reports. Mateen wasn’t some unfamiliar attacker, but rather a “regular” at the bar, who had been coming in for at least three years.
A repeat visitor who used to drink to excess at Pulse, saying he couldn’t at home because his family was “really strict,” Mateen was also on a gay dating app used by other patrons of the club, and one man reported Mateen had exchanged messages with him and a friend.
A former classmate of Mateen’s at the police academy said that he believed Mateen to be gay “but not open about it,” and that Mateen had asked him out “romantically.”
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Thaumlord-Exelbirth's picture

But that doesn't mean he didn't hate gay people. From all I've heard, he was brainwashed with fundamentalist Islam by his parents and could not reconcile his sexuality with his fundamentalist beliefs. This is speculation, but perhaps he viewed this plan as some way of redeeming himself in the eyes of his god.

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orlbucfan's picture

He may have been bisexual. He was a wife abuser. He definitely had some SERIOUS screws loose! Great diary! Rec'd!

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Inner and Outer Space: the Final Frontiers.

Thaumlord-Exelbirth's picture

for anybody to have some screws loose when they're raised on fundamentalism, no matter the religion. Fundamentalism is to morality as Hillary is to democratic 3rd world countries' leaders.

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darkmatter's picture

Your moving story is a reminder that violence comes in various forms, and the threat that lingered in the air after the incident you describe evidently worked its own violence on those who had, up until that point, found that bar a place of refuge and relief. All ruling ideologies and their supporters fear the power of the marginalized to organize, to find each other, to support each other. Their violence was directed not against any particular one, but against together-as-one. Their weapon was fear, and fear separates.

Thanks again for sharing.

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WaveyDavey's picture

I have to admit this event hit me hard. And as the days go by I realize what it is. I had a traumatic event when I was 25 years old. It would be another 10 years before I even found a path to get over it. Ever since then I've put it behind me and consoled myself that times are changing. But then Orlando happens and a lot of that comfort has been taken away from me.

I'm glad I'm older, wiser, and have the strengths needed to cope with these things this time. But I weep (literally) for those kids in that night club that awful night which they will visualize over and over for the rest of their lives.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

Steven D's picture

For this. It needs to be said. So much better than the dry, washed out tone of the discussion of this attack on NPR this morning I caught while driving to get my morning coffee.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

hellinahandcart's picture

becuz I too am an older LGBT citizen.
I noticed that you were from TN.. I lived in Nashville in my twenties- and did the bars every weekend, too- because like you said, it was really the only place we could feel relatively safe, valid. I moved back recently (of course not for the politics) and am here again now. I'm sure you will know the area I'm talking about when I say, Columbia. I work just outside of Nashville, so drive 40 minutes to get home to Columbia. This morning, while driving home and listening to NPR talk about the shooting, I passed the police station (as I always do), and I noticed the very large American flag on their unusually high flagpole flying half-staff.
I immediately teared up... I've never seen our country recognize us as Americans, and especially not in such a rural region in such a red state. Yes I realize that some of the mentality/motivation might just be political-- as in a way to vilify the Muslims. But just the stark physical image of an American flag flying half-staff for us drove me immediately to tears-- and then, later, to more tears becuz I realized just how outside of our country's community I've (we've) always felt.
Peace and love to you, Wavy Davy. Thanx for your blog.

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WaveyDavey's picture

Hello fellow Volunteer. Yes, I know Columbia. And yes, one of the reasons I've been crying is because this horrific event is a reminder of how it used to be. I searched online for any record of the Knoxville attack. The closest I found was an article about the bar closing on December 31st, 2013.

https://www.questia.com/newspaper/1P2-36370387/final-bow-longtime-nightc...

A couple of paragraphs stood out.

Coming to grips with the truth of one's sexuality isn't easy, even in the more liberal-minded climate of America, circa 2014. But in the 1970s and '80s, being gay was harder still. "That first time, you circled a gay bar for days, sometimes weeks, before you got the gumption to go in," remembers Nutter.

"Once you got in, it was a sanctuary. But there was fear for your life in those days. You took your life in your hands when you walked toward that building."

Nutter says he was mugged twice entering or leaving the Carousel - - once at gunpoint, once at knifepoint -- with both incidents taking place within 50 feet of the club. His testimony is borne out by a handful of similar incidents over the years, tragedies like the apparent murder of Francine Wilson, the stage name of a former Carousel performer who was found dead in her own apartment, strangled by a phone cord. …

The full article is not available but I imagine the ... at the end of the article would have gone on to mention the tear gassing attack.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

M1K3L's picture

I was one of those gay punk/new-wave kids who was in the corner at the bars here in Cleveland. I've cried every day since Sunday, sometimes sobbing. And sometimes furiously angry. At the poisonous pols warping the facts into their own narrative of hate and imperialistic overreach. At religious assholes of various faiths spouting ramped-up bigotry in the wake of the massacre.

Just over a week ago my husband and I got married, and we were so happy to encounter pleasant and congratulatory strangers, in government, in line with us at those offices, and waiting our turn to see the judge that morning. (We were first in line, there even before the officer on duty that morning.) And now this. I mean, I love rollercoasters, but not so much this emotional one.

But I'm proud to see my husband standing up and declaring he's been too unplugged from civic life, from paying attention to our government. He sees how he's been leaving it in others' hands, trusting it will all work out for the best. But now he knows that trust has been misplaced, and we've all let the wrong people into places of power.

We are coming out of the dark corners. We're coming.

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"There’s nothing revolutionary about a movement that retreats into an endorsement of the lesser of two evils." Scott McLarty @ CounterPunch

WaveyDavey's picture

I think many gay people respect marriage more then some straight people. You know how it is. When you're given something freely you don't take care of it as much as something you've worked hard to get.

And yes, it's not really about getting married. It changes a few things, yes. However, it's the fact that the legal system is FINALLY standing up for us that makes the occasion so special.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

I have no wish to be institutionalized in it again.

I'm straight and I have no respect for marriage. Divorce cured me of any desire for marriage - divorce, my ex, or both. LOL

Having divorced, I'll never again be stupid enough to tie myself to someone who can destroy my life and stability because of 'boredom', whim, or some general vague BS claiming 'unhappy' as a reason to divorce, not that any reason needs to be given.

Thankfully, when my ex pulled the trigger of divorce on our marriage, she was firing blanks. I picked up the proverbial gun, loaded it with proverbial live rounds, went to an actual lawyer, and pulled the proverbial trigger. Bang. Instant Karma, and no more abuse to ensure by the ex.

Marriage has become a pointless endeavor. It's also a horrible business deal. People can muddy it with feelings, and emotion, but in the end, it's a contract with no outlined provisions up front, which are subject to change, and exiting from said contract has been turned into a nightmare happily encouraged and profited upon by the divorce industry.

For those who don't think marriage is plural, think again. Marriage is between two people, and the state. There are already three parties involved. People talk a lot about 'culture' sometimes. We have a divorce culture in this country, and it expects to be fed.

People can claim that being single means being lonely, but I have never been so lonely as when I was with someone blaming me, blaming the kids, for all her faults and problems. Alone - Single, but not lonely is far superior than being with someone and feeling completely lonely.

How does it go? Something like - Don't marry anyone who hates you enough to actually go through with it…

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WaveyDavey's picture

That's why I still believe it's a valuable institution. I agree with many of your sentiments. I personally would never want to be married. I'm really not the marrying kind. If I did someday get married I'm certain my self-written vows would be, "I'm willing bet half of everything I own that we will be together until we die."

I have had several long-term relationships and hope to have at least one more before I decompose.

One huge problem I see with marriage is the belief that it is for everyone and those who don't get married are somehow flawed. This belief is rampant in our society.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

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WaveyDavey's picture

It made me laugh out loud. Just added it to my Netflix queue.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

riverlover's picture

My first male friend who outed did it in 1970. Catholic family, all the children became nuns or priests. But him. He lived with his mother at that time. Think about that.

I know he made it through the epidemic, lost track shortly after 1970, due to life callings. When I had kids I refused to worry about how they would sort themselves out, sexual-orientation-like). Could not think how to state that. Any way would have been met with loving acceptance here, but with fear for lives.

Peace.

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Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.

WaveyDavey's picture

Straight people have a better chance of convincing other straight people that their anger, disgust, and hatred is not valid than gays would. Your attitude makes a difference in the world.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

Alison Wunderland's picture

That's the road to despair. Sometimes it gets better from one day to the next. Sometimes it takes a lifetime... or more. Yes, horrible things happen to good people. Horrible things happen to all sorts of good people. Hell, maybe more than most because they are good people. Who knows? Just because we've come a long way in our lifetimes doesn't mean we don't still have a long way to go.

Once rights are attained, even over the objections of portions of humanity, they are seldom lost. They often do need to be fought for until they are entrenched. (Fucking martial metaphor but I don't see how to express myself in this instance.)

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…is another person's road to just facing and dealing with reality.

horrible things happen to good people. Horrible things happen to all sorts of good people. Hell, maybe more than most because they are good people.

…er - yeah no - things happen - that's it. It really is that simple. Some of those things we had some control over in the past and maybe even in the present and things just did not work out. Other things, we have no control over and we just deal.

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Sometimes, it doesn't get better.

I'm not trying to depress anyone here. Sometimes, things do not get better though. Sometimes things stay the way they are. Sometimes those things do get worse.

I've heard platitudes and such from people in my own life telling me how things would work out in regard to certain relationships and events in my life. The people saying these things mean well enough, but they didn't (at the time) and (now) still don't know what they are talking about.

So 'It gets better' may be a hopeful uplifting thing, but it is not always a true thing either. You live, you deal with what is, and you move on.

Reiterating, I am generally speaking here - not to a specific event, and not to the specifics in the OP.

Sometimes, 'it gets better' is just a mechanism for people who need to think that so they can cope. Reality can be a far different thing.

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Alison Wunderland's picture

Small comfort for Wavey, I know. And I'm so, so sorry about that. There's nothing we can do to bring anyone back. Individually, we're all mere specks of humanity. Collectively, and over the course of lifetimes, we all (hopefully) advance toward a more just society. (TSHTF and all bets are off I suppose, but that wasn't part of my comment.)

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WaveyDavey's picture

it has gotten a lot better. Knoxville has Pride Parades now. Yes, we are still are aware we are surrounded by 1000 bombs ready to go off (that somehow only us gay people seem to be able to see). Most straights don't recognize the danger we are in.

I see stories about how Muslims throw gays from rooftop. And then the story is Muslim bad, gays 'meh'. Why was there not a story in the new when my friend Jeff was thrown from a 5th story window from the still vacant Candy Factory building of the 1982 World's Fair in 1986.

The new talks about how non-Christian religions are so horrible to gays and at the same time, our nation does the same thing and doesn't talk about it. It's getting better, but it's still really bad. We have marriage and military right. Which oddly in my case are two things I don't really want to participate in.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

CS in AZ's picture

but I would just remind that when Dan Savage came up with the "it gets better" campaign, it was in response to a young gay man who jumped off a bridge because of being outed and ridiculed at his school. It was to give young people hope that while high school and college can be tough and painful, and judgmental families are very hard to cope with, don't kill yourself -- because when you get older you can find a life that is good, love and a community and all that. It's an important message. It's not to deny that there is still risk and pain and unfairness and violent hatred that continues as you get older, but that it is possible to find love and community as an adult, so hang in there. Having known a good man who didn't get that message and did kill himself, I believe it's good to offer hope to people that they can find a better life when they feel alone and hopeless.

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WaveyDavey's picture

I know I was twisting the meaning, but this Orlando tragedy really set me off. It did get better for me and for exactly the reasons you said. After high school I could let go of my dependencies on parents, teachers, employers. The road is still tough. But it's never as bad for an openly gay person in high school. I could write several more essays on my first hand experiences in high school.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

martianexpatriate's picture

gets better. I probably shouldn't have done what I did which was to tell him the truth.

The truth is my life was shit when I was young... but its so much worse now. I'm deeply damaged at this point. I think I've lost the capability to even feel joy. It never got better. I don't expect anything to get better anymore. I'm just living so I can try to finish something I started. Once I finish it, I think I'm done.

When people go along with that whole "It gets better thing," i think in a way its a part of the American message. Some people strike it rich, a lot of people don't. If you are one of the people who never makes it, they just turn the camera in a different direction and pretend you don't exist.

That's how this country works. It was always that way, except for a little time after FDR where we fought the trend. This is place where a lot of people suffer so that a few rich people can have great lives. If you aren't one of them, you don't really exist.

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I make sure I go. I'm not terribly social, neither is my husband, but I have to be there for the one day a year the streets are filled, even packed, with the Gay.

Is there a risk?

Can we ever take for granted that there isn't?

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WaveyDavey's picture

I personally believe the horrific Orlando incident is not going to be a trend. I believe the danger at this years San Francisco Pride will be just as much as usual. Every year the monitors are trained to be on the alert for dangerous looking situations.

I was hit over the head with a bottle one year. There's always going to be some small scuffles. But I'm not expecting any assault rifles or bombs.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

It's not just limited to events like Pride. You get in your car and there's a risk that some drunk driver is going to blow a red light and plow into your car, or some big-rig's going to overturn on 101 and cause a multi-car crash. You walk down the street and there's a risk you wind up in the wrong place at the wrong time. SF Pride might be one of the safer places in the wake of the Orlando tragedy -- everyone is going to be on alert for unusual behavior, including the SFPD.

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hellinahandcart's picture

It came from being raided, arrested, abused, etc., and STILL standing tall, insisting we are part of humanity and American society.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbMSffYRiPM

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WaveyDavey's picture

It's my version of Horton Hears a Who. I want every last gay in gayville to show up and YOP to let the world know. We are here! We are here! We are here!

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

was a young mother of a 3 month old child, who suggested to her husband and their friend that they go to the Pulse because she thought it would be safer -- there had been shootings at other Latin clubs recently.

Depending on weather and my health, Mr. Scribe and I may be in SF for Pride out of solidarity. We can't let the haters push any of us into the shadows.

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