Tonight’s Republican debate is difficult to stream live unless you wear a swastika armband. But I went down to the basement and activated the time machine and there went into the future to look back at the thing, and so now I can offer a Report. Below are summaries of each candidate’s wisdoms:

Ron DeSadist: “As governor of Florida I defeated Mickey Mouse, and also gays who were transgendering, and now I am the only candidate with the courage to, as president, shoot a migrant child in the forehead, and every morning, and then throw its body onto an eternal flame of woke books I have banned. I will make the Kleagle look like Heidi. Come march on a road of bones with me.”

Uncle Tom Scott: “Pay no attention to my melanin. I will whip the woke hard as any white man.”