Tonight’s Republican debate is difficult to stream live unless you wear a swastika armband. But I went down to the basement and activated the time machine and there went into the future to look back at the thing, and so now I can offer a Report. Below are summaries of each candidate’s wisdoms:

Ron DeSadist: “As governor of Florida I defeated Mickey Mouse, and also gays who were transgendering, and now I am the only candidate with the courage to, as president, shoot a migrant child in the forehead, and every morning, and then throw its body onto an eternal flame of woke books I have banned. I will make the Kleagle look like Heidi. Come march on a road of bones with me.”

Uncle Tom Scott: “Pay no attention to my melanin. I will whip the woke hard as any white man.”

Nikki Haley: “I’m sorry as governor I took down the confederate flag in South Carolina. I promise that as president it will again fly high above our glorious nation, as it always has in my heart.”

Asa Hutchinson: “I’m from Arkansas, and so I only have two words for y’all: “Squeal like a pig.’”

Mother Pence: “I know most of you want to hang me. And if that would really make you happy, I promise, as president, I’ll consider it.”

Oobleck Naziswamy: “On my first day as president I will invite Vlad into the Oval Orifice, and together we will demand Ukraine stop trying to be a country, and give to Vlad whatever lands he wants. Then, on live television, I will kneel and kiss Vlad’s bigly. In return, Vlad has promised to send to me brigades of GRU agents, who will move through the FBI, the DOJ, and the Department of Education, where they will summarily shoot anyone who looks woke, or deep-stated. It will be a new dawn.”

Chris Christie: “In 2020 I was doing debate prep for the Kleagle, he got covid, didn’t tell anyone, infected me, and I nearly died in the hospital. He called me there only to ask I not tell anyone he had given it to me. That is why I am now belatedly running around like nine chickens with their heads cut off, telling people the Kleagle is a plague on this nation. Worse even than covid, that motherfucker.”

Doug Burgum: “I am the governor of North Dakota. It gets so cold there that if you stay out in it too long your brain freezes. That’s what happened to me. The reason I am standing on this stage tonight is because I no longer have higher brain functioning. In that I am competitive with all these people.”