Several days ago the postman brought my Official Voter Information Guide. All the other Californians here must have received it also, but probably you put it aside to wait until closer to voting time.

Most of the pamphlet (available online here) is the statements of the various candidates running in the U.S. Senate primary. You might already know the main Democratic candidates are Kamala Harris and Loretta Sanchez, and assume there are some Republicans too. There are, but it’s not the main candidates who are interesting.

It must not cost very much to file, because there are over a dozen Californians who have ponied up the fee for no reason except being able to say “I ran for U.S. Senate”. And to make the rest of us laugh. Maybe these public-spirited citizens don’t deserve my mockery, but I think primary season has been nasty and we need a laugh. Check it out:

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Jerry J. Laws | REPUBLICAN

ConstitutionaIist. Americanism.

That is the complete text of his statement.

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Ling Ling Shi | NO PARTY PREFERENCE

Run for God's Heart and America's Freedom, challenge 10 giant chaos in economy and economy-related sectors.

Chinese-American word salad.

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Massie Munroe | DEMOCRATIC

... Through my national and international research and political activism, I identified "mind control slavery" by satellite energy technology weapons and social engineering programs that have been in continual development for the past 50 years and facilitated their "declassification". As a result, I came under heavy sanctions that are ongoing. I request you, the voter, to rise above all untrue accusations that assail my good character and heart. …

I very much regret that she goes on to mention Bernie Sanders.

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Tim Gildersleeve | NO PARTY PREFERENCE

I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I stand for the poor, elderly, and disabled, environmental issues, unions, small business, and represent the average citizen.

I don’t want to vote for someone who starts with a religious statement, but unlike these others he can write a clear readable sentence.

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President Cristina Grappo | DEMOCRATIC

My education & expertise merits this prolific occupation in order to represent California, as United Senator. I hold a Democratic Party platform with key issues for gun control, human trafficking, balancing the national deficit, and foreign policy initiatives. I am mainstream Facebook in social media! My core values drive America!

Is “President” her title or her first name? Funny how someone who’s “mainstream Facebook” has no link to that site or any webpage.

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Herbert G. Peters | DEMOCRATIC

Andrew Jackson Democrat. Our first 70 years; our county grew and flourished. We had no income tax. Motto: Manifest Destiny. Democrat Presidents; were most wise: Andrew Jackson balanced budget seven of eight years. Franklin Pierce vetoed a federal welfare bill. To reverse downward spiral of last II8 years: balance our budget, resist war, reduce costs, reduce taxes, repeal welfare and minimum wage so all can find jobs. Churches and Charities help needful. Reduce oppression: replace income tax with sales tax. Goal: Better life for all.

Heaping portion of word salad. Despite his choice of the Democratic label, to the extent it makes sense it sounds like a tea party platform.

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Jason Hanania | NO PARTY PREFERENCE

01100101.

Yes that’s really his statement.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world...

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“California’s got the most of them,

boy they got a host of them….

Flakes...

[also published at dKos and bootrib]