Tuesday Open Thread ~ The Schmoozing Season
“I won't say another word -- not one. I know I talk too much, but I am really trying to overcome it, and although I say far too much, yet if you only knew how much I want to say and don't, you'd give me some credit for it.” ~ L.M. Montgomery
Good Morning!
Welcome to Tuesday's Open Thread. Only 15 days left and the season of expectations will soon be over. Feast like eating, celebratory drinking, and a frenzy of socializing that leaves many of us feeling a little stressed out. Maybe what we really need is one of those survival guides for the holidays? Except instead of listing the things we should do if we come across a bear, how about the things we should do if we come across a room full of people we don't know at our next holiday party? Now that's what I call scary! So, in the spirit of elfish bonhomie, I thought I'd put together a holiday themed topic that I hope will get us through any social situation we may find ourselves in.
“A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations.” ~ Truman Capote
Yakety-Yak
If holiday parties fill you with a sense of dread, I sympathize. If you're one of those people who looks forward to parties, that must be nice for you. For the rest of us, sticking marshmallows in our ears is sometimes preferable than going to another obligatory get together where everyone is trying to outdo themselves in the schmoozing department. Don't get me wrong, I'm not without social graces. I can be very outgoing with a small group of people, but I have always had difficulty sustaining my interest in large gatherings. From elegant evening dress affairs to cocktail parties, I used to brace myself every year when I was working as a freelance graphic designer in New York for the inevitable small talk that went along with these events. You know what small talk amounts to with people you barely know? Tiny talk. And yet, as anyone who has endured networking events knows, part of doing business is talking to people. But how do you break through the artifice and have a meaningful conversation?
I'm All Ears
While it's tempting to limit conversations to people I agree with, sometimes the most interesting encounters I've had came from people I don't agree with. Take the situation I found myself in at a holiday party I attended recently where I was talking to someone who is about as diametrically opposite of where I am politically as one could be. My first impulse was to jump right in and correct their woefully misguided view of the world. But I didn't. Why I didn't will be explained a little further down, but in this instance, I let my friend take the lead. Instead of debating him, she held back, asked questions, and listened. It nearly killed me, but in the end, I was rewarded for my patience. In the course of the conversation, I discovered he had lived in places all over the world, loved to cook, enjoyed a good glass of wine, and had some marvelous stories to tell about the food markets in Beijing, local customs to remember when invited to someone's home in Kenya, and what to do if your car breaks down in Hokkaido and you don't speak Japanese. All of which I'm sure I never would have discovered if I had gone with my first impulse.
Listening is a skill we instinctively know we should be mastering, yet we seem very unmotivated to actually practice. How unmotivated are we? Try offering free classes on improving your listening skills and see how many people sign up. Now do the same thing for improving your conversational skills and see the difference. So why do we like to talk? My guess is that it's a lot easier. Listening requires focus and in many instances restraint. Advice in this area usually suggests looking the person in the eye, nodding and smiling, and repeating back what you've heard. But if you are actually listening, then isn't the appearance of listening a bit unnecessary?
"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~ Ralph G. Nichols
In a TED Talk I watched a few years ago, journalist and public speaker, Celeste Headlee, broke down the idea of having better conversations by explaining how listening with the intent of understanding will yield better results than listening with the intent of replying. If we want to have a good conversation, Headlee notes, then we need to assume we have something to learn.
10 Ways To Have a Better Conversation
- Don’t multitask – be present – be in that moment. Don’t be half in it and half out of it
- Don’t pontificate – you want to enter into a conversation assuming you have something to learn. True listening means setting aside your personal opinion. When the person across from you senses this acceptance, the speaker becomes less vulnerable and more likely to open up
- Use open ended questions. Take your cue from journalists and use the who, what, where, when and how.
- Go with the flow. Stories and ideas are going to come to you, but let them go.
- Don’t equate your experience with theirs. If they’re talking about having lost a family member – don’t’ start talking about having lost a family member yourself. The experience isn’t the same. It isn’t about you.
- Listen. It takes energy to listen but if you aren’t up to that, you’re not in a conversation. Most of us don’t listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the intent to reply.
- Be brief. Don’t get into the weeds of too many details. A good conversation is like a mini-skirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.
Courtesy of Celeste Headlee's TED Talk
Comments
Good morning, Anja ~~
I enjoyed the OT topic today. I used to attend those work "parties" too. I hated them because I wasn't good at approaching and making small talk. I'm better today - of course, I'm older and less insecure. Fortunately, I don't know anyone who does holiday parties anymore. I'm out of that loop and I'm grateful.
I love that you called it the season of expectations. This consumer holiday is nothing more than that. I'm also out of that loop of much gift giving. I give to fellow employees, but it is homemade delights only. Their expectation of receiving my treats is what I look forward to, now.
Have a thrifty day, everyone!
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
I've pared down considerably
In the gift giving area as well. Except for my Sister and Brother-in-law, and a secret Santa, most of my gifts will be jars of lemon curd I made from my lemon tree. Although, I will admit I do enjoy the unwrapping of a few presents on Xmas eve. Nothing extravagant, mind you, but there's just something about a brightly wrapped present that turns me into a six year old again
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
Good morning!
If I am in the mood, I can really light up an otherwise dull party. I am constantly in groups, meeting new people of all kinds of backgrounds, and a good party just might be the spontaneous meeting of a half dozen pals in the post office parking lot.
By the same token, I am rarely in the mood for planned holiday parties, tend to avoid them.
I will be celebrating Christmas with a friend and probably 20 people I have never met as we drink and dine in Marrakesh.
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981
What does one drink and eat in Marrakesh?
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
The meals are likely huge feasts with many courses.
I anticipate kebobs, but will get an idea on the first day what to expect.
Beer and wine is imported, restricted to bars, restaurants, and hotels.
They will likely stock Heineken, but I am hoping they have some S. African beer.
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981
That sounds marvelous
I look forward to hearing about your trip! And the wonderful things you ate and drank. Sounds exotically romantic in a way, although it doesn't have to actually be romantic for it to feel romantic, if you know what I mean. At any rate, you inspire me to be more adventurous!
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
In this part of the country...
...it is common for the musicians to play during parties. I would rather play than make small talk, plus you often learn some new tunes and songs. Tomorrow is a cookie cooking gathering at a friends. Most of the crowd will be throwing down in the kitchen mixing and baking. We'll be in the den playing tunes and songs. After all the different cookies are baked, they mix and match them all into gift containers for the various families and friends. I'm not a cookie eater these days, but I'll prepare some no sugar no wheat sweet tater treats to take to the gathering (already baked the sweet taters)...
no sugar, no wheat, sweet tater treat
2 cups cooked sweet tater mashed/puree whatever
1 banana mashed/puree
1 heaping tsp baking powder
1/2 cup or so unsweetened shredded coconut (organic if available)
add salt, raisins, cinnamon, nutmeg? whatever to taste
Add 2 TSP melted grassfed butter
mix in 2 well beaten eggs
(if it is too wet add coconut or almond flour, too dry add coconut milk or cream)
spoon out cookie sized on parchment paper lined baking pan
bake at 400 till set (20-30 min)
I once did a two week NEA workshop on collecting and documenting oral histories. The real trick is to shut up and listen, prompting with occasional questions when appropriate to keep the conversation going and coherent. Head shaking does help, so they know you get it but the interview recording does not contain your replies of I see, yes, and so on.
Everyone has stories that are instructive at some level. If caught in a crowd of non thinkers there's always the weather, kids, and pets as neutral topics.
So however you celebrate the season, I hope you find it fun, entertaining, and rewarding!
“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”
Sweet potato cookies
I never thought of that before but it sounds like a marvelous idea! I haven't had any sugar since August 31st. Which is no small feat considering I'm around open boxes of chocolates and cookies all day. Not to mention the peppermint creme milkshakes someone made the other day. It's like working with a bunch of mice, everyone is always eating something. On the other hand, I was able to fit into a pair of black dress pants and my faux fur coat for an Xmas party I went to last Saturday and really enjoyed all the compliments I received. So there's that.
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
feeling better is a strong positive feedback system
What has amazed me is my improved mental clarity. When I'm in ketosis I'm pulling out songs I have not sung in many years. I'm less able to do so when I'm not...cause I cycle in and out using resistant starches mainly...like sweet taters. Gotta feed the internal garden (microbiome) too.
I remember the food lab at Auburn did lots of sweet potato recipes. I'm sure I didn't invent the recipe for the treats, but I also didn't get it from anyone...using what we had. When you grow them you get these football to softball sized taters. So the treats grew out of a technique of dealing with them.
Congrats on your will power to avoid the sweets at work. When I taught they assigned us a day to bring treats to put in the lounge so there was crap to eat all week of the holiday season. My trick was to never go to the lounge which was my habit anyway.
Hang in there!
“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”
Good morning Anja. Deck us all in garb of folly ...
Never liked those parties, generally still don't. I used to love just standing around and watching people talk right past each other because they weren't really speaking the same language because they came from different frames of reference and such. Eventually I got to the point where I could travel, if only locally, camping and picnicking, and discovered that I could always who have, had, did, were or were planning travel, "fellow travelers" without the red-baiting, and I could listen to them and sometimes even join in. Them and techies. Now I can add gardeners (veggie, not ornamental) into the mix. Sadly, now everybody want's to talk politics and almost all of them buy into most of the mainstream narratives, which I will sometimes try to correct or redirect a bit, but it is seldom worth the effort.
Thanks for the great OT and have a great day.
That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --
Sadly, conversation is a lost art
Talking past one another, or worse, bringing up politics in a social setting, is a symptom of our time. Inter-personal communication skills are especially lacking with young people who spend most of their time texting one another. I've started inviting co-workers to meet for breakfast where I do very little of the talking. Sometimes there are silences, but I'm getting less uncomfortable with those and try to let the conversation flow organically. I ask questions and sometimes hear family stories that I would never have heard had I been doing all the talking. It's very instructive as my goal is to become a better listener.
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
Fun stuff Anja
Thanks for sharing holiday warnings. Lucky here, free from holiday social restrictions. No parties to dread. Self-employed so no bonuses to dole out either.
Making a ferment starter sponge (bread) for tomorrow's monthly cook book meet at the local library.
Target practice with the slingshot at squirrels on the bird feeder. Running out of shot.
Icy rain today.
have fun!
Cook Book Meet
Sounds like my kind of gathering! Especially on a cold winter day. Does anyone bring a hot toddy along to warm the bones? Would you believe I've never made bread?
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
Talking past each other,
So much of what others have already said, could not agree more about the talking past each other and looking around to see who the “more important” people are to talk to. Do not get out much to participate in these activities and never really did enjoy them. Watching people was much more fun. Find that sitting around in a hostel talking travel stories is a fun evening for me.
Am sitting right now in the dealership getting my car checked out on the 5000 mile checkup and there is a man in here that has not stopped talking to the poor woman sitting at the table with him. It does not really matter whether she wants to listen, he has an opinion that he is sharing. Fortunately I have been able to move to one of the desks they have and cannot hear him anymore but he sure reminded me of the figure you posted at the beginning of the thread.
Peace, love and best wishes to all for coming out on the other side of the holiday season!
Life is what you make it, so make it something worthwhile.
This ain't no dress rehearsal!
Sitting around and talking about travel stories
Sounds like a wonderful conversation. One of the best parts of traveling are the stories, after all! I usually like taking about great meals I've had, or the mishaps that go along with travel. Which are always a lot more fun in the re-telling.
The guy in the dealership sounds like he could use a lesson in how to have a better conversation. Have never understood how some people cannot take social cues from their listeners that they are taking too much.
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
Suddenly & mysteriously manifested "earworm" of sorts
That, in its essence, is fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any other controlling private power. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt --
Good morning, Anja,
Wonderful theme this morning; at the ski school, i'm asking the newer instructors "What they learned from their students today? Most of my conversations center around technique and teaching this time of year.
And most special are the conversations i have as Santa with the little ones, precious and very funny at times.
Got to run and purchase some country ham and treats for my best friend in Hawaii and get them in the two-day delivery box.
Santa is the best listener of all!
Nothing will melt your heart faster than the little ones this time of year. Doesn't surprise me a bit to hear that you are playing the role of Santa. We've been having a little fun with that at our store too, but don't want to give away too many details right now as that will be part of my OT for next week. But, yeah, the kids reactions aren't the only ones that are fun to watch. The crew members who volunteered to be Santa really surprised me these year and sometimes I take a peek outside to see them in action. We have such a great team of people working at our store. It's what makes this very demanding time of year manageable. We've not lost our sense of humor, or our sense of fun. And, you know, the customers notice that as well. We frequently hear how wonderful it is to shop in our store. Which at this time of year, is saying a lot!
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
Impeachment isn't helping TOP
I'm so glad to hear that
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
Now, if anyone has a knack for the art of conversation
...it is definitely you, Anja dear. From your very first OT, you created something as close to a physical space as you can find on the Internet. Of course, leading with food is a brilliant way to engage with others. It's a gift that you have the instincts for that. When I drop in to read, it does feel like a bohemian salon, twilight in the middle of the day, people perched on random clusters of eccentric ottomans or draped across fainting couches.
Everywhere else in c99, people talk to topics. But in your space people wander up and down the threads, chatting with one another. If it were my blog, I'd give the OT rooms different skins than the rest of the site. Bump up the virtual ambience a bit.
I must disclose that I have allowed each and every one of the 10 best practices of conversations to go to hell in a hand basket. It's like I was raised by wolves. I intend to work on that.
Wonderful art and animation. Everyone who walks down the hall from the top will enter the room grinning.
(psst: What happened to that poor cylinder?)
____________________
The political system is what it is because the People are who they are. — Plato
For the sake of argument
I am going to assume that is a large mushroom stuck in what I thought was a pail. But given the marshmallows problems, I can't be sure.
A bohemian salon, eh? I kinda like that image. But I think I'll forgo the chic animal style prints for a more retro kitchen feel, but with comfortable sofas in the room alongside the tables and chairs. Throw in plenty of plants, books, games, family pictures, and ambient lighting, and we're all set!
I wouldn't worry too much about the "lack" of your conversational skills. Awareness and motivation is half tbe battle. I've always been an Ann Shirley from Green Gables kind of talker, so listening does not come naturally for me. But when I do practice it, I'm usually rewarded with an interesting story from the person I am having a conversation with. It's encouraging.
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
Thank you Anja - listening!
I am going to reread that list several times. Have actually been consciously trying to go down that path. Last week met with a couple of old friends. We probably agree on most things but probably do not vote the same. So I was careful to listen and keep contrary opinions to myself. My daughter was along and we all really had a great time. Trying to listen more at home too. Be there and not in my mind somewhere else.
Thanks again!
Marilyn
"Make dirt, not war." eyo
Hi Marilyn
Good to see you! So glad you found the theme for Tuesday OT helpful. It's a subject that seems to attract interest when I mention it to friend and co-workers, yet I suspect most people don't realize that a large part of having a good conversation is in the listening. It's harder to do that you would think, right? My head is always spinning with ideas when people are talking that I just want to ramble on and on...
All around, listening is a good skill to practice for me as well!
Hope all is well this holiday season, dear Marilyn.
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier