Is there any help for us?

I really hate to make this kind of post, but I'm at my wits end and I don't really know what else to do. I really need to find a new therapist, but I don't know what my insurance is going to do next year and I'd hate to try to find one now and maybe get one appointment only to have to find a different one if my insurance changes.

Hubby and I both have mental health problems (I have depression and anxiety and he has bipolar and anxiety), and we need to find another place to live. I work full time, and he's a full-time college student with about another year to year and a half to finish his degree (biomedical engineering). We can't really afford to have our own place though; we had to move out of our apartment last April because they raised the rent too much.

So we moved in with my mother-in-law and her brother. We live right by the one college campus that hubby goes to, which is nice because we only have his car, and I can't afford one. Well, I was planning on buying one within the next 6 months or so, but if we move out there's no way I can afford rent and a car on just my income (about $1800/month after taxes; average rent here is upwards of $1000 now and that doesn't include anything).

My mother-in-law is the type of person who just wants to help everyone, bless her. She has a sister who has MS and is wheelchair-bound for several years. Her sister is married to Warren Jeffs' brother, and he wasn't letting her have her medication or get to dr appointments and physical therapy or anything, so she came here and has been staying here off and on since July with her 14-year old daughter who is her main caregiver right now, so she can go to appointments and physical therapy and stuff. She also smokes a lot of weed. My MIL also has MS, but she's not in a wheelchair yet.

Her brother, on the other hand, is a complete ass. He drinks all the time and has a lot of homeless friends who were hanging out and staying over here at one point; MIL has put a stop to that and the weed at least for now though. He also works full time, as does MIL.

We have two cats; hubby's cat is 16 and was just diagnosed with stage 3 kidney failure, so we also have that to deal with now. She may live for another year on special diet and fluids. My cat is 12 and still runs around and plays like he's one year old, and we also would take him outside on a leash and harness sometimes. Uncle-in-law decided it would be a good idea to let him outside on his own, or into the garage, and kept doing it after I repeatedly told him not to. We had a big argument over it a while ago; I don't trust him though so I've had to keep my cat shut in the computer room most of the time but all he wants to do is run around the house.

Hubby also has delayed-sleep pattern, which means he doesn't go to sleep until around 4am, so we stay up late. We do our best to be quiet and respectful though. We often get woken up early on the weekends though by either MIL's dogs barking or uncle-in-law making noise (and I am apparently the worlds' lightest sleeper, and I'm a highly-sensitive introvert; I don't do well with noise and I need a lot of quiet time to recharge). But every time we try to talk to uncle-in-law about anything now he gets belligerent and rude. Today I couldn't get back to sleep after the special cat food got delivered and the dogs were barking their fool heads off, even with earplugs in and I went out to see who was running around opening and closing doors, and he said well, you guys are loud at 3am! and then went out to start cutting the grass.

It's been like this since we moved in in April. We've asked MIL to kick her useless brother out since he keeps ignoring her wishes and being disrespectful but she won't so it looks like our only hope is to find another place to live again. I can talk to my managers at work and see about arranging for me to get rides to work; one of the managers already has some idea of what's been going on. Public transportation isn't really an option since it's so slow and unreliable.

I just wish there was help for us to get out of this situation and be stable; between our mental health and the cats that need care, and the illegal weed in the house (I don't have a problem with weed itself, only that it's illegal and if we were to get caught we'd all be in trouble and MIL could potentially lose the house, and then we'd have no where else to go; no one else has room for us to stay either and anyway I don't want a room in a house, I want to have our own place, I hate living with other people). God bless america, eh?

Sorry this is so long-winded; it's just that there's so much that's been going on and it's been going on for so long with no end in sight and I don't really know what if any help there is available. I really needed to vent. I have a stomach ache from the anxiety. I can't concentrate. I'm tired all the time and I can't take naps because it's never quiet long enough for me to go to sleep. I know there's a lot of people out there who are in similar or worse situations. I'll be going to bed soon though so won't be around to answer comments for a while.
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snoopydawg's picture

I think if you are in this much distress then go ahead and find a therapist to talk to now even if you have to change next year. You can get some ideas how to start coping with your anxiety and depression and maybe you won't have to change therapists next year.
Im glad you feel comfortable enough to reach out to us here and hope others will be able to offer some other ideas.
When I'm stressed I go for walks and our weather here in Utah has been ideal for walking.
Yry not to worry about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day. Try to stay in the moment.
I recently saw a therapist to try to help me with my gawd awful pain that I can't get under control and he said that when I'm walking to notice what I smell or look for something new where I walk. Try some of those types of things, but especially try to get outside and walk.
Exercise releases endorphins that help your mood.
Take care and hope you feel better tomorrow morning.
The Dawg:)

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Which AIPAC/MIC/pharma/bank bought politician are you going to vote for? Don’t be surprised when nothing changes.

Daenerys's picture

(Been out of the house all day; just got home.) If I'd posted this at TOS I would get lots of judgement.
I know you've been having housing troubles too; it's especially hard here being things are expensive and there's not much help.

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This shit is bananas.

Steven D's picture

I know so many people who are in dire straits, each different, but each filled with anxiety for the present state of their lives and the future.

My daughter is in her last year studying to be a bio-med engineer too, so I can only hope that both your husband and her will find decent jobs when they graduate.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

Daenerys's picture

I wish your daughter the best as well. Hubby is confident he'll be able to find a good job and the industry won't go away, but I worry too.

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This shit is bananas.

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"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies." - Groucho

Daenerys's picture

I know diet can affect your health certainly. I do the best I can and already have cut down on carbs. I find the older I get the less I want to be around people, but this is pretty much entirely stress-related.

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This shit is bananas.

riverlover's picture

But does not mix with EtOH. It took the edge off my anxiety. But I can't get it any more, one fall and it's cut off. I broke my elbow. More anxiety. I am alone, not like your situation, but when daughter and her fiancee lived here, we did nothing together, pass in the hallway living. Bad scene. I was surprised. but that is how things fall apart.

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Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.

Daenerys's picture

A small dose that helps me sleep, but I may need more.
When I worked at a previous location of my job that was so awful I made jokes about getting on Valium. I don't even know if that's a thing anymore.

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This shit is bananas.

riverlover's picture

I am trying melatonin again, 12 mg, two pills. Problem is a diuretic I take in the AM that still makes me have to pee every 2-3 hours overnight. TMI.

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Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.

But then you go on to talk about the drugs you're on and people chime in with the latest FAD mental disorder pill. Hilarious. Every liberal I talk to here has some aversion to staying away from the drugs. It's weird. It's almost as if we have an addiction culture and nobody wants to admit it. Denial. Trust me, if you think drugs will get you thru this you are absolutely wrong and , in fact, will probably make it worse. They'll switch you to the new drug or the side effects of your existing drug will eventually disable you or even worse. I have seen no exceptions to what I just wrote. It's the reason Obamacare is failing. The treatment is making people sicker mostly due to drug side effects and the side effects are blamed on the disease to avoid liability. The idea that the medical industry has any interest in your well being over lining their pockets with fees and kick backs from the drug companies is laughable. Suck it up and do something for yourself instead of lying down and waiting for some witch doctor to give you some miracle drug which doesn't exist.

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"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies." - Groucho

Daenerys's picture

you'd see I never mentioned drugs anywhere, other than the weed that other people in the house are on and I don't touch the stuff. In fact I agreed with you that diet can be a big factor. I mentioned therapy, which is not a drug. I take insulin; as a type 1 diabetic I HAVE to take insulin, it keeps me alive. Guess what? It's a drug from Big Pharma! You sound like an idiot. If you want to spout CT and rail against the evils of the pharmaceutical company please write your own essay about it.

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This shit is bananas.

Never mentioned any drugs except for the anti-depressant you said you may need a stronger dosage of.

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"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies." - Groucho

Cachola's picture

WTF is wrong with you???? WTF is wrong with you????????

ETA: you know, there are times to get off your high horse and show some compassion.

The only reason I have the political beliefs I do is because I want to improve the condition of people on earth and that starts with putting ourselves in the shoes of others and showing some compassion. If we cannot do that then we should shut our traps and wait for a better time. When someone is suffering and reaches out is not the time to start this kind of debate.

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Mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur.

I gave it to him but he didn't like it. He'll find down the road that I am his only friend on this board. Telling him I'm sorry for his situation and condoning drug consumption as a solution is not compassion. I'm not looking for acceptance to my opinions. I'm looking for the truth.

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"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies." - Groucho

Daenerys's picture

before anyone mentioned any medications. Again, feel free to write your own essay.

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This shit is bananas.

riverlover's picture

You are primed to be a mother, if you already are a light sleeper. That has not gone away with my children flying the coop. So fair warning there. You two do need to move. Sounds like any place would be better. Even if that had its own anxieties. I understand you are not able to do deficit spending, and the only way to legally do that is to buy a house. But your husband is willing to move after graduation is my sense. So house-buying makes no sense, especially if we have another crash of the economy. My husband and I bought a house, unmarried but together in WI at high interest rates in the early 1980's and became unemployed separately (different industries) in under a year. We sold the house, at some profit, at least on paper. I am not sure that could be done now.

I am no help, only sympathy. But you must have an escape. Does your husband feel the same? That is hurdle #1. At least shake things up about how wildly unhappy you are. And afraid. Now I worry more. Peace to you and a big hug. That hug does not mean a sign-off.

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Daenerys's picture

ASAP after hubby finishes his degree. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need some rest in the meantime.

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This shit is bananas.

PriceRip's picture

          I am partial to Western Oregon for many reasons. One big one is that I can easily get out for a walk in the woods, an essential therapeutic activity. Oregon health has helped some of my loved ones but I do not know if that system would do anything in your case. And I detect a general supportive "vibe" in the community of people I have met to date, but that might be a skewed perspective getting tweaked by the Spironolactone.

          From a strictly professional (mine) point of view I encourage students to network early and as often as possible. This is particularly important for STEM students like those studying biomedical engineering. I do this habitually, and I am retired for crying out loud. There is nothing like positive feedback to make those last few months easier. And it does wonders for mental health issues · · · trust me on this one.

          You wrote, "I'm a highly-sensitive introvert". Just know you are not in this alone, it can get better. That picture over on the right is proof of that assertion.

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Daenerys's picture

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This shit is bananas.

riverlover's picture

I had not considered the potential (high, thinking about it now) that it could alter mood. Good call. I take it daily for ascites prevention.

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Outsourcing Is Treason's picture

NAMI (the National Alliance for Mental Illness) might be able to provide you with the resources you seek. They also provide excellent resources for care givers. Go to their main web page, www.nami.org, and select "Find Resources" from the menu and go from there. Good luck.

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"Please clap." -- Jeb Bush

Daenerys's picture

It doesn't look like they have anything about housing on there, but I might be able to find a therapist or something.

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This shit is bananas.

Lookout's picture

but it will pass quickly. Finish the degree, get a good job, and move!

Walking is a good idea as suggested and helps with sleeping. There might be a group therapy session at the nearby college? I know when I hear others problems it usually make my issues seem less important.

You might find some inexpensive counseling:

lucy_0.jpg

Wishing you the best. Focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

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“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

Look into married students housing if you want to have your own did. We ended up doing that the last year of grad school and it's was not fancy but adequate, affordable safe and convenient.

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That's a great suggestion, MinuteMan. Universities usually have options. Whatever they are might be better than Daenerys's current situation.

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Daenerys's picture

Hubby's only going to have classes at the U for one semester, maybe two; right now he's going to the community college. And I have no idea if they'd take pets.

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This shit is bananas.

My sympathies for your plight. I also suffer from depression, although not anxiety.

People who blithely advocate shared housing don't know what they are talking about.

Here is what I would do if it were me. I emphasize if it were me. Might not work for you at all, but for what it might be worth:

1. I would make sure I am on top of obligations as far as share of rent and utilities, my share of household cleaning and so on, and I have no doubt that you do so already.

2. I would absent myself from the house as much as possible. Me, I would probably take the slow public transportation, simply because that would give me an excuse to leave early and return late.

3. I second the suggestion about outdoor exercise. Might there be a park in walking distance where you could take the cats. Might I ask what is your objection to the cats being outdoors, maybe not the ill one, but the 12 year old one? It has always been my observation that cats have better health and condition when they get at least some outside time. Don't forget that cats are predators and well able to defend themselves.

4, If a car isn't possible at this time, what about a bicycle? Maybe it couldn't go to work, but maybe to campus and back.

5. Have you and your husband looked into what his college has to offer besides married student housing? During your non-working hours, can you and your husband hang out together in the library, coffee shop, walk around the campus and so on, take in a concert or interesting lecture. The idea is to have some fun and interesting things going on outside the stressful home, so far as your budget and time might allow.

6. I second the suggestion to use the therapist you have now if that person has been at all helpful, but explain the situation so the therapist can take it into account.

7. I have found that daily spiritual practice of whatever kind one might like is, for me, very helpful. Meditation, or even daily reading from some work of comfort that might speak to you. Bagahavad Gita. Tao te Ching. Songs of Milarepa. Psalms for those of us who grew up in the Christian tradition.

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Mary Bennett

Daenerys's picture

I'm glad people here understand that living with people, even family, isn't for everyone.
We've been trying to spend as much time out of the house as possible; we've been out pretty much all weekend (I would have replied sooner but we were visiting my sister-in-law and her family all day; MIL can't have her grandson here while all this crap is going on either). Just makes it hard to get anything done (like cleaning, laundry etc.). I think it would almost be worth working six days a week just to be out of the house. When I'm home I pretty much stay in one room so I don't have to deal with uncle-in-law.

We don't need public transportation right now; that's if we move out. We're only a block from the college so hubby walks there, and I take his car to work. But I wouldn't dare ride a bicycle around here the way people drive.

As for things to look forward to, we've got tickets to a couple of shows in March, one is Alton Brown Live and the other is the Game of Thrones live concert, which will be super awesome!

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Daenerys's picture

Oh yeah, as I said we take mine outside on a leash sometimes. I just don't want him out there loose unsupervised; he can jump and could get over the fence if he really wanted to and run off. Mostly I want him to be safe and healthy.

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This shit is bananas.

I was thinking that your story ilistrates much of what has gone wrong with our country.

A person who is employed full time (you) is not paid enough to adequately support her family which consists of one other adult and two cats.

The cost of housing is so high that people are being forced into stressful, even dangerous, living arrangements. I note that you live in Utah. Your experience gives the lie to right wingers who like to say that the high rents are only found in big cities.

Healthcare for people with extremely serious illnesses, (MS) is appallingly inadequate at best with patients having no ability to access dignified assisted living arrangements, not even home health care, apparently. It is outrageous that an untrained fourteen year old girl has to provide nursing 24-7 care for her parent in a wheelchair. None of this is in any way your fault, but yet it impacts your life and mental health.

I do think you could relax a bit about the cats. They are territorial, and do tend to find their way back to where they are fed. The cats that run away are females who leave when their kittens are nearly grown in order to leave the food supply or hunting grounds for their offspring. If it were me. I would put the younger out in the yard on mouse and gopher patrol.

The behavior of UinL could well get CPS called in and the teen aged girl removed, leaving the parent with no nursing care.

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Mary Bennett

Daenerys's picture

None of this is in any way your fault, but yet it impacts your life and mental health.

We moved in before any of this started. She has home health coming in 2-3 days a week now. But you're absolutely right, she should be in a care facility of some kind. I've been saying it all along. CPS and Adult protective services are aware of the situation; they live in Colorado and will be going home for Thanksgiving. They may or may not come back after that.

I knew it was going to be like this when we moved in, but no one listened. Hubby listens, but he has no more control over anything than I do.

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This shit is bananas.