Muhammad Speaks

Hey. Muhammad here. Full name Abū al-Qāsim Muḥammad ibn ʿAbd Allāh ibn ʿAbd al-Muṭṭalib ibn Hāshim. But that’s a hell of a mouthful, and it makes me tired charlie_hebdo_mohammed_overwhelmed-0.pngeven to think about it. So you can just call me Mo.

And you don’t need to add that “peace be upon him” word-burble whenever you say my name, either. I never said anywhere that people needed to do that. It’s not in the Quran. Try there to find it. You won’t. And it certainly never happened while I was alive, people gabbling my way “peace be upon you” every time they spoke to me. If they had, I never would have heard anything. All the shit said to me would have been all clogged up in “peace be upon you’s,” and I would have had to just say fuck it and go back in the tent. It’s annoying. Cut it out. It’s like some kind of weird freaking Tourette’s syndrome. Dudes: if you find you simply must add an appellation, for Christ’s sake try a little variety. Toss in a “bees be upon him.” Or “peas be upon him.” Or “fleas be upon him.” Something. Anything.

You know what else isn’t in the Quran? Any horseshit about it being forbidden to portray me pictorially. It just ain’t in there, hoss. Try to find it. You won’t. Paint, draw, sculpt likenesses of me. I don’t give a shit. Hell, if I were down there now, I’d probably be snapping selfies, and zooming them all through the tubes. Fact is, there are millions of likenesses of me down there on the planet, even as we speak. They’ve been churning them out in India, for instance, for eons. The Shia version of people who think they know what I’m about, pictures of me are quite common among those folks. The idea that it’s some massive no-no to depict me is a relatively new and not at all benign brain-fart of those stone-mad stick-butt Wahhabist nutholes, who’ve gone so barking from snorting all that oil they’re now separating men and women even on airplanes and lashing some blogger 1000 times because he “insulted Islam.” The fuck? He didn’t insult me.

And neither did those Charlie Hebdo people. Some of those cartoons about me, they’re pretty cool. Take that one up above there. Where I’m covering my eyes, and saying “it’s hard to be loved by idiots.” That’s true. And in fact, I say that up here all the time. We all do—Lilith, Shakti, Oshun, Jesus, Zeus, Buddha, Cybele, Aphrodite—all the boys and girls. All of us have to deal with people doing what it is they want to do, and then claiming it’s because we want them to do it. It’s enough to drive a man to drink. Which, yeah, I do. Every now and again. Because you know what else is not in the Quran? Any full-bore prohibition against drinking intoxicating liquors. So yeah. I take a nip. Here and there. Like when sad little brain-damages who think they’re of me shoot up a bunch of anarchist pacifists who drew pictures of me that I nowhere prohibited and that I actually like. You ought to take a look at this little documentary called Je Suis Charlie, from the Leconte father 64101408_p.jpg and son. You'll there learn that those assassinated Hebdo humans, they were good people. They knew what it was like, to be me.

The sad little brain-damages who killed the Hebdo people, they just wanted to kill. That’s all. They wanted to kill, needed to kill, were going to kill; when they finally did kill, they just lied like motherfuckers they were killing for me. Take the Cherif brain-damage: originally, more than a decade ago, he wandered around everywhere with a massive Thanatos boner wanting to kill Jews. Some Jews, any Jews, so long as they were Jews, and he could kill them. But then some yeehaw who thinks he knows me told the Cherif brain-damage he’d be better off killing Americans in Iraq. So then he was going to do that. But, like a dope-ass, the Cherif brain-damage missed the plane. His brother, the brain-damage Said, later did manage to catch a plane, to Yemen, where an American yeehaw showed him a list of people the yeehaw thought I’d want killed, and one of them was the Hebdo editor Charb. So, the Thanatos being upon them, the Cherif brain-damage, and the Said brain-damage, they burst into Hebdo, and blew the boys away.

And girls. They blew the girls away. The Cherif and Said brain-damages, when they were on their would-be Bonnie and Clyde run, several times bloviated that they didn’t kill women. But they lied. Because back there at Hebdo, they’d killed a woman. Elsa Cayat, psychoanalyst and Hebdo columnist. But to them, she wasn’t a woman. She was a Jew. “You dirty Jew,” Cayat had been told in phone calls in the months before her assassination. “Stop working for Charlie Hebdo. If you don’t, we will kill you.”

And then, when the Cherif and Said brain-damages were cornered in a print-shop in Dammartin-en-Goële, their sad little brain-damage pal, Amedy, burst into a kosher market back in Paris, killed him some Jews, then announced he was holding more Jews hostage, until Cherif and Said were released. The Amedy brain-damage said he had intentionally targeted the market, because he was intentionally targeting Jews.

Go to the Quran and find where it is written that sad little brain-damages acting in my name should harm or hate Jews. You won’t find it. In fact, there it is written that Jews, as well as Christians, are entitled to special protection.

Sometimes we go off together, Jesus and I, and shoot up. Because we need to go on the nod. Because we just can’t take it anymore. All the Jews killed, over all the centuries, by people claiming they’re acting in our names. I mean: we stole their god, Jesus and I, just flat ripped off Yahweh from the Hebrews. You'd think these nitwits who claim to be our followers, they would understand that. And show a little respect.

Another thing that isn’t in the Quran that various fuckwads and numb-nuts who claim to speak for me take upon themselves to Command is this burqa_ban-0.pnghorseshit about women having to be veiled or even burqaed. Ain’t in there. Try to find it. You won’t.

I admit there is at one point a note that wimmins should cover their bosoms.

But now, I gotta say, after spending all this time around wimmins like Aphrodite, I take that back. Now I say: women can uncover their bosoms. Please.

A word about this Quran. See, the way it worked, is that Allah—god, to you—spoke to Gabriel, who was an angel, and then Gabe spoke to me. I vaguely got some of it. But I never wrote anything down. People just listened to me bullshit, about the some of what I vaguely got. Some of them made some notes. I can’t really remember who all these people were now. Curly, Moe, and Larry, I think. Maybe also Shemp; also, maybe, Fake Shemp. Somewhere in there I died. Then Curly, Moe, Larry, Shemp, Fake Shemp, and the rest of the crew, they got together and bickered over whose rendition of what they thought they remembered I allegedly said was Most Right. Then a guy calling himself Caliph Uthman bulled in, separated the stooges, and decreed his own personal version of the Most Right Quran. Which only mentions me directly by name four fucking times, incidentally. Which should tell you something.

But then various bigshots felt like they knew more about me than even the Moes and Shemps and Uthmans, and so they started slinging together these smelly diarrhetic strings they call hadith. It is in the hadith where much of the worst horseshit resides. But I don’t pay any attention to any hadith, and neither should you. That's where you'll find the craziness like Stanley Kubrick faked the moon landing, and ZOG sprinkles Jew-dust on the Cocoa Puffs.

It should also be pointed out that, in the transmission of info from Allah through Gabriel through me through Curly, Moe, Larry, Shemp, and Fake Shemp, through Caliph Uthman . . . well, things got lost, and even fucked up. This is natural, when shit’s passing orally from one to another to another to another to another, even if some of the anothers are people like god, an angel, or me. As a result, mistakes were made. For sure. For instance, in the Quran can be found various indications that at times it’s okay to fight and even kill. I know now that’s totally wrong. We’re all up here in agreement on that. I can’t remember where and from whom the Thanatos crept in, but it doesn’t belong in there, and I repudiate all of it. o-charlie-cover-570.jpgWherever in there you might find anything that might look like it says it might be okay to kill somebody, replace it with this, from the prophet Kenneth Patchen (peas be upon him): “I write along a single line: I never get off it. I said that you were never to kill anyone, and I meant it.

The brain-damages weren’t able to execute Hebdo cartoonist Luz because January 7 was his birthday, and he was kinda celebrating, so he came in to work late. And so it is he who drew the cover for the Hebdo that appeared after his fellow anarchist pacifists had been assassinated. I really like it. You can yourself regard it, there, just above these words.

Luz, he has said:

I had the idea to draw Muhammad because he is my character. Because he exists when I draw him, because he is a character that caused our premises to be firebombed, and later to be treated as irresponsible provocateurs—while we are above all cartoonists who love to draw little guys, like when we were children.”

“The terrorists have been children, too. They drew like all the children do, and then they lost their sense of humor.”

It’s not the front page the world wanted us to do. But it’s the front page we wanted. It’s not the front page a terrorist would have wanted us to do—there are no terrorists on there.

“There’s just a guy who’s crying. It’s Muhammad. I am sorry, we drew him again. But this Muhammad is, above everything else, a man in tears.”

In all those words, Luz speaks for me.

yours,
Abū al-Qāsim Muḥammad ibn ʿAbd Allāh ibn ʿAbd al-Muṭṭalib ibn Hāshim

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Comments

provocative and thoughtful.
As usual.

Stop These Fucking Wars

peace(peas)

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Ya got to be a Spirit, cain't be no Ghost. . .

hecate's picture

@Tall Bald and Ugly
our next trick: time-machine music!

A little something from a night on the town, there in San Birmingham, Los Alabamos, September 2046.

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Steven D's picture

@hecate Late to read this. Glad I finally did.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

Raggedy Ann's picture

Thank you for the essay, hectate. I've been so confused, but now it all makes sense! I can't tell you how much I appreciate you penning this diatribe on the subject. Now we can certainly all go home and live in peas, or bees, or fleas, or ticks or something........... Unknw

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"They'll say we're disturbing the peace, but there is no peace. What really bothers them is that we are disturbing the war." Howard Zinn

hecate's picture

@Raggedy Ann
are helpmeets of Beelzebub. They burrow into the skin, and there erect tiny Shrines to their Lord.

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Raggedy Ann's picture

@hecate
that sounds. Yes, I vote for ticks, then.

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"They'll say we're disturbing the peace, but there is no peace. What really bothers them is that we are disturbing the war." Howard Zinn

Lookout's picture

piss be upon him.

Every religion needs a story like this.

Here's Dave Allen trying to make sense of Christianity (6 min)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxo81Ok9Urk

Thanks hecate.

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“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”

hecate's picture

@Lookout @Lookout
for that. I'd not before seen it. It's good. ; )

The Hairball is meanwhile spewing another of his Sermons from the Sphincter:

As he rejected a bipartisan compromise Thursday to resolve the standoff over so-called Dreamers, Resident Trayf asked participants in an Oval Office meeting why the United States should accept immigrants from “shithole countries” in Africa, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

“What do we want Haitians here for?” the president asked, according to the people briefed. “Why do we want all these people from Africa here? Why do we want all these people from shithole countries?"

The president added: "We should have people from places like Norway."

Asked about the president’s use of the slur, the White House did not deny it, but issued a statement saying Trayf would “always fight for the American people.”

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mimi's picture

@hecate

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@mimi @mimi

wow, shitholes in the White House, Gimme some toilet paper

They won't get any in until they're done using the Constitution. Sorry...

Edited possibly because the association made me 'redact' in the form of using bolding rather than blockquotes. Or maybe just to fill in for a missing typo.

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Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.

QMS's picture

@Ellen North mostly a roll of ass wipes. Propose all you want, but don't force it into committee. Best to just be on the record as having positions which go nowhere.

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Intelligence is being redefined as the ability to repeat ever more complex instructions.

@QMS

Presumably playing that same old, broken record that current committees likely wouldn't have heard anyway?

Needz a major flush and a big plunger for pretty much the whole clogging mess... if the door between that and getting the right people in to replace them with a clean, transparent, freely functioning flow wasn't generally locked with a corporate executive key the right people wouldn't beg for anyway...

Have to break on through to the other side anyway, though, with the best tools currently available.

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1 user has voted.

Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.

@Lookout

A thousand blessings be upon you, your ancestors and any and all progeny for a thousand years for introducing me to Dave Allen. Freaking hilarious and just what I needed!

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2 users have voted.

Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.

QMS's picture

Pleasantly amused. Why do the christians think their god is different from Mo's? Or why do the Islams think their god is different from anyone elses? All the sects seem to profess there is but one god. Must be they're all the same one.

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Intelligence is being redefined as the ability to repeat ever more complex instructions.

hecate's picture

@QMS
faiths profess many deities. It's mostly the Abrahamic religions that fixate on one. In the beginning were the Jews, who couldn't care less if other people go Jew. But then came the Christians, and then came the Muslims, and a lot of their brain damages, they want everyone to be like them.

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QMS's picture

@hecate most have no more difficulty seeing multiple dieties than seeing a prism make many colors. The schism seems to arise with a human perception of there being a difference between the mundane and divine. Therefore, war!

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Intelligence is being redefined as the ability to repeat ever more complex instructions.

mimi's picture

... the Lilith, Shakti, Oshun, Jesus, Zeus, Buddha, Cybele, Aphrodite ...

I remember the discussion about this title page on Charlie Hebdo:
CHARLIE-HEBDO.0.jpg
Some Afro-Americans thought it to be very racist (including TOP's). I don't blame them, it's French ... They didn't get the meaning.
What Charlie Hebdo's critics get wrong about its satire

Here's what the cover shows: a group of headscarf-wearing, pregnant Nigerian women shouting "Don't touch our welfare!" The title reads, "Boko Haram's sex slaves are angry."

On the surface, then, it would appear that the magazine is ridiculing Nigerian human trafficking victims as welfare queens; hence the outrage among non-French readers. However, that is not actually what the cover is conveying. In many ways it's saying the opposite of critics' interpretations.

French satire, as Vox's Libby Nelson explained, is not so straightforward as it would seem; jokes usually play on two layers. In this cover, the second layer has to do with French domestic politics: Charlie Hebdo is a leftist magazine that supports welfare programs, but the French political right tends to oppose welfare for immigrants, whom they characterize as greedy welfare queens cheating the system.

What this cover actually says, then, is that the French political right is so monstrous when it comes to welfare for immigrants, that they want you believe that even Nigerian migrants escaping Boko Haram sexual slavery are just here to steal welfare. Charlie Hebdo is actually lampooning the idea that Boko Haram sex slaves are welfare queens, not endorsing it.

That's what's tricky about two-layer satire like Charlie Hebdo's: the joke only works if you see both layers, which often requires conversant knowledge of French politics or culture. If you don't see that layer, then the covers can seem to say something very different and very racist.

And I have the same problem with your written prose. I think a conversant knowledge of American culture and its lingo, political and historical knowledge, I never got in my education, is needed.

But you can't imagine how happy it makes me to find such writings as yours here. I would have never found it on my own. Thanks to C99p. It's a place I need and will NOT boycott.
Yes 3

In the words of Malek Merabet during an eulogy of his killed brother, a cop, Ahmed:

"I am now telling all racists, Islamophobes and anti-Semites that one must not confuse extremists with Muslims," his brother, Malek Merabet, said at an emotional press conference Saturday in Livry-Gargan (Seine-Saint-Denis). "Stop mixing things up, starting wars, burning mosques and synagogues".

and

Merabet, meanwhile, has been invoked by some as a symbol of religious tolerance and unity. The phrase “Je Suis Ahmed” – I Am Ahmed – has appeared on social media, echoing the campaign of support for Charlie Hebdo using the slogan “Je Suis Charlie”.

Some messages drew attention to what some Muslims had considered offensive in what was published by Charlie Hebdo, such as cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad.

Lebanese writer Dyab Abou Jahjah tweeted: “I am not Charlie, I am Ahmed the dead cop. Charlie ridiculed my faith and culture and I died defending his right to do so. #JesuisAhmed.” His tweet has been reposted more than 25,000 times.

Thank You, hecate.

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hecate's picture

@mimi
often have a brain damage when trying to understand the French. Or the Germans. Or anyone. Including themselves.

The assassins also executed Mustapha Ourrad, Hebdo philosopher and copy editor.

All were shot in the face. The office dog went around licking them, trying to put them back together. It didn't work.

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mimi's picture

@hecate
tried to lick them back together too. Here she is, I abandoned her and gave her to a more capable dog loving woman, when I knew I had to move ... Here she is guarding my son's guitar in NYC.
8229101582_1a30ae154a_n.jpg
Still get so angry about all of it. She was a great dog, a rescue, who rescued us.

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Lily O Lady's picture

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"The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now do you begin to understand me?" ~Orwell, "1984"

hecate's picture

@Lily O Lady
are essential elements in the construction_47064837_dscf1177.jpg of graven images of the well-known winter deity Frosty The Snowman.

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QMS's picture

@hecate worship the same spirit? Seems peas and carrots are shared by all.

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Intelligence is being redefined as the ability to repeat ever more complex instructions.

hecate's picture

@QMS
venture to guess that snowmen are not sun-worshippers. Probably they worship peas and carrots, as those are parts of their bodies, and in a lot of the faiths, the adherents luxuriate in their bodies. It is Sad, that in so many of the Abrahamic sects, the people are taught that their bodies are foul sinholes, that should be flogged away under some Shroud.

Llamas worship Neil Young.

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QMS's picture

@hecate the ad men figured this out a long time ago. Now the rulers are catching on. Religion teaches to desecrate the human image, for it is more heavenly to smell like channel (#5), have white teeth and wear the latest fifth avenue costume. Psychops now can manipulate the brain waves activity to have doubt for our own thoughts and ethics. Facetwit has an app for that. Called "ya wanna fit in?' Just give those trusted souls your password and you too can be acceptable, loved and holy smokes.

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Intelligence is being redefined as the ability to repeat ever more complex instructions.

Lily O Lady's picture

@hecate

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"The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now do you begin to understand me?" ~Orwell, "1984"

great writer. I may need to send that one on to friends, it's funny but serious and very informative. Thank you for sharing it!

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hecate's picture

@lizzyh7
It is good to laugh. In one of the episodes of the true-life documentary series Star Trek, a nasty hate-haze got onto the ship, and set about encouraging those aboard to fight and hurt each other, because from that it drew power. When those aboard finally figured that out, they stopped the fighting and hurting, and laughed, right in the face of the hate-haze. They laughed until it shriveled up, and faded all away. This is a true story.

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earthling1's picture

Long life and prosperity be upon you.........Spock The Great and Merciful.

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QMS's picture

Sadeness

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Intelligence is being redefined as the ability to repeat ever more complex instructions.

hecate's picture

@QMS

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thanks for the Kenneth Patchen reminder
and all the rest too

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bygorry

QMS's picture

@bygorry you've got it bygorry. I was not aware of this. Thanks!

He also wrote plays and other works, all of which exhibit a combination of high idealism, abhorrence of violence, isolation from the mainstream of American thought, and shock at materialistic secularism.

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Intelligence is being redefined as the ability to repeat ever more complex instructions.

hecate's picture

@bygorry
some more Patchen.

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QMS's picture

@hecate @hecate and forgot the subject matter. Slowly dawning on me it comes down to just one thing. Our thoughts in this moment. Dancing with the dead Smile

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Intelligence is being redefined as the ability to repeat ever more complex instructions.