Hey. Muhammad here. Full name Abū al-Qāsim Muḥammad ibn ʿAbd Allāh ibn ʿAbd al-Muṭṭalib ibn Hāshim. But that’s a hell of a mouthful, and it makes me tired even to think about it. So you can just call me Mo.

And you don’t need to add that “peace be upon him” word-burble whenever you say my name, either. I never said anywhere that people needed to do that. It’s not in the Quran. Try there to find it. You won’t. And it certainly never happened while I was alive, people gabbling my way “peace be upon you” every time they spoke to me. If they had, I never would have heard anything. All the shit said to me would have been all clogged up in “peace be upon you’s,” and I would have had to just say fuck it and go back in the tent. It’s annoying. Cut it out. It’s like some kind of weird freaking Tourette’s syndrome. Dudes: if you find you simply must add an appellation, for Christ’s sake try a little variety. Toss in a “bees be upon him.” Or “peas be upon him.” Or “fleas be upon him.” Something. Anything.