I suffered through the debate so you don't have to

I haven’t watched Jerry Springer since I was a guest in the late 90s. Yes! I’m white trash royalty because I was on a scandal talk show....the topic....mothers who steal their gay son’s boyfriend. Yes, that’s a thing and another essay for another day. Enough about my sordid life. The politicians are much more disgusting in a similarly entertaining way.

I can’t think of Donald Trump’s initials without being reminded of the alcoholic detox symptom of delirium tremens. Donald Trump (hereto referred as DT) immediately absolved himself of any misogyny claiming it was only “locker talk” #dontgrabmypussy. He said he was sorry and he would change. That’s the same sentence every abusive spouse since Ralph Kramden has ever uttered when confronted with how wrong he was. But then he played the card we were all waiting for...the Big Lewinsky (this one was not about bowling).

And when she tried to defend her horrible rapist, misogynist husband that she inexplicably has not divorced he added [should I be elected] I will use my presidency to hold her responsible for her “acid wash” policies that have made America un-great again. “Acid Wash” is a reference to the the failed jean fashion in the early late 90s. It’s only the second time I’ve heard the term. In both cases it isn’t a good thing and was obviously meant as a tweet-worthy attack on her "Trumped Up Trickle Down" quip from the last debate.

Artillery Clinton’s (hereto referred as AC) response: Fact checking is important. She had a bit of a stutter when saying those two words in a row...”Fact” and “Checking”. If you can find a way to re-watch it you’ll know what I’m sayin. She honestly had some difficulty putting those two words in the same sentence.

AC then did her own apology for the email kerfuffle. She didn’t actually say the word 'kerfuffle', but you know that’s just how seriously she took the accusation. Then she tossed an unrelated counter point to make trump look bad. I forget what the topic was, because anything trump says makes him look bad. So Trump continued to hammer the point home about her emails followed with his tiny handed cohunes punctuating that “I’m a gentleman”..and she can never lay claim to that...misogynist much?

Next question. Healthcare:
DT: Failure. Canadians come here to get fast service. Yes, a minority of Canadians do if they can afford our inflated prices. He’s only talking about the ones who want it done fast...not affordable. Patience is a virtue the wealthy have completely forgotten about.

Okay, it's mid-point in the debate and I have to admit the moderators are rockin’ their shit. I think the only way to top this is having Judge Judy Sheindlin oversee the next debate. In which case all four candidates would have to be invited. Judge Judy don’t take no unfair shit. Put Stein on that podium and she would show us what presidential material actually looks like.
I’ll spare you final 30 minutes. It was no new material. Just the same ol same ol.
Allepo Boy...tax returns...infidelity...

NOT A WORD ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE
Then it got boring even moreso.

Until Hillary Clinton said outright and without any doubt “I will be president” with a confidence that only money can buy. so neener, neener, neener.

Then the Lybia questions.
DT: Clinton has given them “more cash than would fill up this room”. ISIS is so scary during this election. Just like Ebola was so scary during the last election until the election was over and then not so scary at all from then on. (See the pattern?)

Okay, I have to admit in my first effort to be a comedic journalist I am going to fail at this point when the only thing can honestly type at this point is “Shut up both of you!”

And then DT got my attention again when he equated Scalia with ‘God’. And he outlined that he had 20 judges that he feels would fill Scalia’s jockstrap which Trump to this day uses over the headboard of his bed as a ‘dreamcatcher’. And, of course, he punctuated it with his trademark claim that “he has the BEST judges in line”.

At this point I expect Judge Judy would retire to her chambers except this was the next sentence uttered by DT. “:I will [personally] pay for all my Supreme Court judges”. He estimated the cost at $30,000,000.

And all of this is

#whyImvotingForJill

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tapu dali's picture

had he admitted that "Canuckistanstkaya" health care actually has far more better outcomes than those of the !!1!! Exceptional Empire !!1!!1

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There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don't know we don't know.

elenacarlena's picture

I had a few chuckles.

You may not be Hunter yet, but you might get there. When you do, please don't sell out.

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kharma's picture

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There is nothing which I dread so much as a division of the republic into two great parties.. This...is to be dreaded as the greatest political evil under our Constitution.--John Adams

Anja Geitz's picture

He was brilliant. Another casualty of this election.

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There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier

WaveyDavey's picture

snarky commentary. And Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are two low-hanging comedy pinatas. Thank you for the encouragement.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

Election 2016: Bipartisan dysfunctional battery approved!

Cut them out.

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WaveyDavey's picture

...because of your comment.

For some reason I always thought Kramden started with a 'C' because it sounds like 'crammed in'.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

Citizen Of Earth's picture

I don't think they told Chelsa about Monica yet. Haahaha.

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Donnie The #ShitHole Douchebag. Fake Friend to the Working Class. Real Asshole.

elenacarlena's picture

the child plans to follow in her parents' footsteps. She might as well get used to a lot of criticism now; she will have a lot to weather.

I'm sure all those millions will help soothe the hurt.

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being groomed to take over the family business, soon to be relocated in the White House basement? First senator, then sec. of state, then ... can you guess? Hint: It begins with P, ends with T, and rhymes with (permanent) "resident".

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elenacarlena's picture

Especially not any named Bush or Clinton.

I don't think Chelsea with bother with all that, though. Mom wouldn't have been SOS but for needing a compromise with Obama, and she's probably been criticized for that role more than praised for it. Chels does need some guvmint experience. Probably the best would be governor, since she can then say she ran a state. Guv of NY would look way better than Guv of little ole Arkansas. Senator would be a second choice, I would think. Look for her to travel the world as head of the Clinton Foundation so she can use that for her foreign policy credentials.

Of course, if Jill beats Hill, maybe the dynasty will collapse. And Jill had better have immediate and alert Secret Service coverage, because Hill would lose it.

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riverlover's picture

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Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.

Raggedy Ann's picture

He looks like he was caught with his pants down - AGAIN! She looks like her mom (I"m sure she knew about Monica and all the rest of them) - "I'm, frekkin' gonna kill someone over this!" Dash 1

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"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11

Oldest Son Of A Sailor's picture

You'd have to be blind not to see Philandering Willie going after women...

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"Do you realize the responsibility I carry?
I'm the only person standing between Richard Nixon and the White House."

~John F. Kennedy~
Economic: -9.13, Social: -7.28,
Citizen Of Earth's picture

Some hilarious tweets. Trump was unhinged last night. Great entertainment.

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Donnie The #ShitHole Douchebag. Fake Friend to the Working Class. Real Asshole.

elenacarlena's picture

That's hilarious.

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skod's picture

and found that Denver's Channel 9 was showing Sunday Night Football instead of the public vomit fountain. Thank Gawd. Watched a little of that, though it wasn't much of a game.

Looking forward to getting the held mail from the Post Office, which might well contain my mail-in ballot- which will be marked for Stein and dropped off with the county the next day. Then I will be able to tune out completely from the final waves of emesis.

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But that only last about 3 minutes. Just long enough to see both Hillary and Trump weren't actually answering the questions.

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they are both irrelevant and representatives of parties destined for the trash heap of history

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“The first duty of a man is to think for himself”

riverlover's picture

without dragging the rest of us along for the ride.

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Oldest Son Of A Sailor's picture

The 2 worst candidates in the history of this country go into a set up of a mud slinging attempt to prove each other is the worst?

What difference does it make?

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"Do you realize the responsibility I carry?
I'm the only person standing between Richard Nixon and the White House."

~John F. Kennedy~
Economic: -9.13, Social: -7.28,

you are hilarious, SRSLY! And you should get the Purple Heart for "heroic service and exemplary physical stamina under duress and danger of vomiting" while watching two corrupt liars out-duell each other in their race to the political bottom.
Thankyou!

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Not Henry Kissinger's picture

Look whatever you think about the guy, he called Hillary out like no one ever has.

Look at his face when she says Abraham Lincoln. Classic. And then the Jackie Gleason Yeeoou! at the end of his rebuttal.

The only saving grace in this Choose Your Dystopia election cycle is that the comedy is plentiful for all who are able to appreciate it.

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The current working assumption appears to be that our Shroedinger's Cat system is still alive. But what if we all suspect it's not, and the real problem is we just can't bring ourselves to open the box?

riverlover's picture

Either a good makeup job or the moles are missing. But a fly found the face! We should not even consider electing someone who it is rumored has used body doubles. I have no opinion on the former observation.

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Oldest Son Of A Sailor's picture

Blow fly attracted to the dead skin or her rotting corpse?

She is now a combination of puppetry, cybernetic organism, and body doubles, depending on the conditions that may expose her... LOL

The 9/11 day was just a bad moment when they realized the battery bank was comprised the same batteries used in the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 and they were headed into a overheating failure, shoulda stuck with the Blackberry instead of going for the upgrade I guess...

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"Do you realize the responsibility I carry?
I'm the only person standing between Richard Nixon and the White House."

~John F. Kennedy~
Economic: -9.13, Social: -7.28,
gulfgal98's picture

Thank youo for doing a thankless job on behalf of the rest of us who do not have the stomach for either of them. Good

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Do I hear the sound of guillotines being constructed?

“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." ~ President John F. Kennedy

WaveyDavey's picture

I really enjoy your work and your praise carries a lot of weight with me.

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

bondibox's picture

The two times he said 'acid wash' was in reference to the emails. He thinks "bleach bit" software is an expensive process to physically remove the ink from 33,000 printed emails.

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F the F'n D's