I haven’t watched Jerry Springer since I was a guest in the late 90s. Yes! I’m white trash royalty because I was on a scandal talk show....the topic....mothers who steal their gay son’s boyfriend. Yes, that’s a thing and another essay for another day. Enough about my sordid life. The politicians are much more disgusting in a similarly entertaining way.

I can’t think of Donald Trump’s initials without being reminded of the alcoholic detox symptom of delirium tremens. Donald Trump (hereto referred as DT) immediately absolved himself of any misogyny claiming it was only “locker talk” #dontgrabmypussy. He said he was sorry and he would change. That’s the same sentence every abusive spouse since Ralph Kramden has ever uttered when confronted with how wrong he was. But then he played the card we were all waiting for...the Big Lewinsky (this one was not about bowling).

And when she tried to defend her horrible rapist, misogynist husband that she inexplicably has not divorced he added [should I be elected] I will use my presidency to hold her responsible for her “acid wash” policies that have made America un-great again. “Acid Wash” is a reference to the the failed jean fashion in the early late 90s. It’s only the second time I’ve heard the term. In both cases it isn’t a good thing and was obviously meant as a tweet-worthy attack on her "Trumped Up Trickle Down" quip from the last debate.

Artillery Clinton’s (hereto referred as AC) response: Fact checking is important. She had a bit of a stutter when saying those two words in a row...”Fact” and “Checking”. If you can find a way to re-watch it you’ll know what I’m sayin. She honestly had some difficulty putting those two words in the same sentence.

AC then did her own apology for the email kerfuffle. She didn’t actually say the word 'kerfuffle', but you know that’s just how seriously she took the accusation. Then she tossed an unrelated counter point to make trump look bad. I forget what the topic was, because anything trump says makes him look bad. So Trump continued to hammer the point home about her emails followed with his tiny handed cohunes punctuating that “I’m a gentleman”..and she can never lay claim to that...misogynist much?

Next question. Healthcare:
DT: Failure. Canadians come here to get fast service. Yes, a minority of Canadians do if they can afford our inflated prices. He’s only talking about the ones who want it done fast...not affordable. Patience is a virtue the wealthy have completely forgotten about.

Okay, it's mid-point in the debate and I have to admit the moderators are rockin’ their shit. I think the only way to top this is having Judge Judy Sheindlin oversee the next debate. In which case all four candidates would have to be invited. Judge Judy don’t take no unfair shit. Put Stein on that podium and she would show us what presidential material actually looks like.
I’ll spare you final 30 minutes. It was no new material. Just the same ol same ol.
Allepo Boy...tax returns...infidelity...

NOT A WORD ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE
Then it got boring even moreso.

Until Hillary Clinton said outright and without any doubt “I will be president” with a confidence that only money can buy. so neener, neener, neener.

Then the Lybia questions.
DT: Clinton has given them “more cash than would fill up this room”. ISIS is so scary during this election. Just like Ebola was so scary during the last election until the election was over and then not so scary at all from then on. (See the pattern?)

Okay, I have to admit in my first effort to be a comedic journalist I am going to fail at this point when the only thing can honestly type at this point is “Shut up both of you!”

And then DT got my attention again when he equated Scalia with ‘God’. And he outlined that he had 20 judges that he feels would fill Scalia’s jockstrap which Trump to this day uses over the headboard of his bed as a ‘dreamcatcher’. And, of course, he punctuated it with his trademark claim that “he has the BEST judges in line”.

At this point I expect Judge Judy would retire to her chambers except this was the next sentence uttered by DT. “:I will [personally] pay for all my Supreme Court judges”. He estimated the cost at $30,000,000.

And all of this is

#whyImvotingForJill