(Originally Posted Dec 11, 2014)

As of today, you still cannot legally be sold into slavery. (Except, of course, as a punishment for a crime. Which nobody's going to really do. They WILL pay you convict labor rates, a growing and vital part of our economy!)

As of today, you still will have a pension. (Admittedly, LESS than you did yesterday. But think of all those poor people who don't get any, and realize that you're better off!)

As of Today, You can give MORE money to your representative to ensure they listen to you. (You did give them a lot of money last election, right? That's the only way they'll ever listen to you, after all.)

We now know that nobody will ever be held accountable for Enhanced Interrogation. As a matter of fact, we're so certain that nobody will be held accountable that we came up with a nice new acronym for it, so you can ensure that the legality of it is preserved. (And the national conversation will remain on whether or not it worked! As of right now, the jury is still out, so we'll probably need a few more years of future trials to determine effectiveness!)

You still cannot be shot for walking down the street. There must be a legitimate lie for you to be shot. For example, if your moral behavior at any point did not resemble that of Jesus of Nazareth, you are not entitled to have your killer brought to justice, if he was wearing a badge at the time of your shooting. Or not wearing a badge, as long as he can reasonably state that you should have known he had a badge to wear.

You cannot be prosecuted for protesting. You can be smeared, mocked, called a criminal, harassed, tear gassed, kenneled, beaten, shot with rubber bullets, threatened with dogs, and charged with large vehicles designed to defeat bombs, but you cannot be prosecuted. Unless you get in a cop's way, of course.

You can vote for whoever you like! Just know that your voting has no bearing whatsoever on the actions of your representative, because you have a choice between two people, both of which have the same agenda. Of course, one of them will let you smoke pot, but only if he has no other choice, and the other will stand up for your rights against the cops, but only if you're white.

You can call this a police state! Which means that it isn't one! Not until we actually have armored vehicles on the streets... uh, I mean, not until the police incite riots... ok, bad example, Uhm... until you must follow all orders by the police and failure to comply... goddammit... UNTIL we can't Call it a police state, we're not in one.

So Relax, America! Everything's JUUUUST fine. Remember to Vote in Two years for the Corporate Candidate of your choice! Which we've already decided on. No, really, we've already got our candidate. Don't talk bad about the candidate! It'll be YOUR fault if they lose.

(This was written before the rise of Bernie. I swear to god I didn't change a single word of this. Feels awfully prescient, especially the last paragraph...)
[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yesyhQkYrQM]