DMW's Congressional Rules of Order (Observed)

There are a lot of ethical guidelines with regards to proper conduct in our highest levels of government. For the most part, these are formalities that allow the proper flow of business. However, there are some unwritten rules which are the highest authority within the hallowed halls of congress.

Therefore, I present to you, the ACTUAL rules of Order that our representatives observe, and obey with almost slavish devotion.

1. With regards to the passing of bills, there are several key provisions:
a. Does the Bill involve a Corporate Handout, Bailout, or significant input from a corporation? The bill will pass quickly and quietly.
b. Does the Bill involve a giveaway or benefit to the people who actually pay the taxes and/or die for the country? The bill will fail after a great deal of debate and posturing by the members of congress.
c. Does the Bill do nothing of value, but present a photo op or virtue signalling opportunity for Congressmen? The bill will pass extremely quickly, and will be only announced locally in areas that need a poll boost.

2. With regards to conduct on the floor:
a. The vast majority of Congressmen will not be needed for speeches. Any speech of historic import will be delivered to a mostly empty room.
b. Every congressman will be needed for any speeches dealing with Operation Public Distraction. This includes any speeches about Trump, Russia, or the urgent need to drop more bombs on people.
c. Any Congressperson who does not conform to the "Boring as fuck" dress code or "Bureaucratic Bullshit" speech parameters will be told that they are violating a statute of order that was created in the 19th century. 18th century if applicable and a good photo op can be taken in front of a monunment.

3. With Regards to conduct outside of the halls of congress.
a. All congresspersons shall have a staff who are responsible for ensuring that the proper admission fees are paid prior to any contact with the Congressman.
b. If the Party says you're the designated bad guy, you're the designated bad guy. Deep regret for what you MUST do is appropriate, but top hat and Snidely Whiplash mustache are not.
c. Congresspersons, even those pretending to be on the side of the poor, shall NOT call out the personal wealth of any other member of congress, or how they achieved it on their public servant's salary. (The only exception is made for Donald Trump, because he has not properly bribed the other members of the elite, and insists on flaunting it.)
d. There is no Deep State. There has never been a Deep State. Mentioning this non-existent entity will be most unfortunate. We're certain you have no intention of shooting yourself 31 times in the back after falling down a flight of stairs, but these things have a remarkable way of happening to those who spread conspiracy theories. In fact, it's a conspiracy theory to suggest that those who have spoke out against it meet with unfortunate ends, either politically or physically. You wouldn't want that to happen to YOU now, would you?

Know these rules, and any time you have a question about WHY our elected representatives engage in strange behavior, just remember that they're following the guidelines given to them.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHXpnZi9Hzs]

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Hillbilly Dem's picture

brought to mind the story of Bella Abzug's first day in Congress. She was walking to her seat when she was stopped by the legendary Doorkeeper of the House, William "Fishbait" Miller.

He looked at Representative Abzug, who was wearing one of her signature floppy hats, and said "Madam, hats are not permitted in the House chamber". She looked at him, replied "Go fuck yourself" and kept walking to her seat.

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"Just call me Hillbilly Dem(exit)."
-H/T to Wavey Davey

detroitmechworks's picture

@Hillbilly Dem The time a member got censured for wearing a hoodie, to make a point about how wearing a hoodie makes you seen as a threat by Law Enforcement.

The situation was just ludicrous.

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Hillbilly Dem's picture

@detroitmechworks they're big on "decorum" and taking good care of the 1%. The good of the people? Not so much.

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"Just call me Hillbilly Dem(exit)."
-H/T to Wavey Davey

earthling1's picture

That list is hilarious. I gotta keep it. Stealing that fellow West by God Virginian.
Still slapin' my knee!

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Neither Russia nor China is our enemy.
Neither Iran nor Venezuela are threatening America.
Cuba is a dead horse, stop beating it.

detroitmechworks's picture

@earthling1 I always appreciate kind words.

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

earthling1's picture

@earthling1

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Neither Russia nor China is our enemy.
Neither Iran nor Venezuela are threatening America.
Cuba is a dead horse, stop beating it.

Steven D's picture

Just wish it was not true.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

detroitmechworks's picture

@Steven D Sometimes it feels like this is similar to my attempts at writing in C.S. Lewis' style, specifically the "Screwtape Letters"

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Pluto's Republic's picture

To: detroitmechworks. I really enjoy your writing.

Now, as to the clause, below, I've been monitoring Google News headlines on topic: "Deep State" for some time. This was the week where all the pundits and "journalist" turned with the precision of the Rockettes and pooped identical denial articles entitled something like, "There is no Deep State."

3d. There is no Deep State. There has never been a Deep State. Mentioning this non-existent entity will be most unfortunate. We're certain you have no intention of shooting yourself 31 times in the back after falling down a flight of stairs, but these things have a remarkable way of happening to those who spread conspiracy theories. In fact, it's a conspiracy theory to suggest that those who have spoke out against it meet with unfortunate ends, either politically or physically.

Just sayin' the Deep State has spoken.

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____________________

The political system is what it is because the People are who they are. — Plato
detroitmechworks's picture

@Pluto's Republic that the narrative about unelected officials needed to be quashed.

Course, they tossed out their performing monkey again right afterwords, and everybody went to go look.

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

SparkyGump's picture

"the common man's a fool" for getting played for his vote using fear, hate or just plain stupidity to get him (or her) to vote against their own self interest. For example, there's a story out there about a woman who had an undocumented alien as a husband and voted for Trump anyways because of his other hateful positions.

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The real SparkyGump has passed. It was an honor being your human.

@SparkyGump

But was it actually because of Trump's hateful positions, or because he wasn't the Mad Bomber and lied real pretty-like about 'lots of well-paying jobs'?

(After all of the 'racist, sexist Bernie-Bro' and 'Deplorables' propaganda, I tend to keep a salt shaker handy for similarly publicized stories supporting these, whether in corporate media or subjugated once-progressive publications. Not that this one couldn't be true - but a lot of people/incidents have been invented/misquoted/misrepresented before in the media, especially since the Dem primary.)

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Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.