Where Am I Now?
So, been a while since I've posted because I had burned seriously out.
I got so tired of the Media Noise that it was easier just to tune out completely.
I'm at peace with my place in the universe. I've accepted that I will probably never own a car again, that I will spend the rest of my life in small apartments, and as long as my children are happy, they're welcome to stay with me as long as they like.
Officially, I'm off of VA Social Worker Support in October. My social worker is a miracle worker, but she and I strongly disagree on certain things. She thinks I should be busting my ass to get better so that I can go back to work. I don't see the benefit to anyone, frankly. I live very cheaply, don't cost the taxpayers much, and contribute to my local economy with 100 percent of my pension.
In any case, I keep my housing, and they stop bothering me. It was helpful when I needed the support, but I'm in a good place now, at least as far as finances go. They may raise my rent, and I may have to move, but I can cross that bridge in time. As long as I have enough, I am content.
And really that's what I find funny. So many people tell me that I lack ambition. That I'm fulfilling all the stereotypes of the lazy stoner slacker. There isn't a day I don't tell myself I'm lying about my PTSD and I'd be just fine if I gave up smoking and just faced the day as a sober conscious adult.
And then I go outside, see Mosul, and go back in the house.
Do I want to get better? I think I have honestly. I can go outside for a few hours, and properly medicated I can be out for a LOOONG time. Course, if you can find a workplace that lets somebody smoke pot on the job, there'll be a LONG line of folks before me who could use the work. I am getting better, but stability and taking care of my kids will always be my priority.
So, yeah, not perfect but getting better. I tweet, stay cash as much as I can despite the relentless pressure of the banks to get an account. (Recently they stopped taking bill pay at Wally World, so now I have to schlep my ass to another place to pay the bills. An annoyance but one that they assure me would be solved easily... if I just give them ALL my money up front...)
I appreciate the VA, and the work they do. They allow me to sleep through the night, which is incredibly appreciated. Unfortunately they've gone back to the "Pot is Evil" mindset despite the fact that they've switched it to medications on the medical charts. So, mental health and I have parted ways.
I'm stable. And more than anything else, that's a blessing. So much of my adult life has been uncertain. While things may change, I no longer fear, for possibly the first time in my adult life, that I will be tossed out with Zero notice. And yes, I have incredible self-doubt. I've dabbled in getting back into art, writing, acting, and stand-up. All have been good, but once again, it's finding my footing.
Thanks to everybody here for being great. I don't know If I'll be back, but I figured you deserved an update.
Comments
So glad to hear from you!
Good for you, hang in there and remember you have friends here who care. And as for being a "lazy burnout" well, fuck whoever says that. You take the time you need for you, screw everyone else.
Only a fool lets someone else tell him who his enemy is. Assata Shakur
Mostly the little voice in my head.
Been having to remind myself to listen to what people are actually saying rather than what my self-destructive brain interprets it as.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
A lifelong challenge
my friend, I suffer the same disease at times but it does seem to get better with age, not sure why, maybe because I don't care about what our sick society deems success anymore.
Only a fool lets someone else tell him who his enemy is. Assata Shakur
Well, this is the year I become the Answer...
To Life the universe and Everything...
I'm still working on it, but thankfully I have a SO who helps me quite a bit. And the right pot helps immeasurably.
[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZLtcTZP2js]
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
If you ever get the chance,
I would like to hear (ok read) your thoughts and experience on what constitutes the "right" pot and how one goes about finding it. I'm in Oregon and there are almost too many products available. Thanks, and glad to see you here again. All the best.
I think many disabled folks....
.....would fit the burnt out description, me being one of them. I'm completely burnt out at both ends trying to even find employment because employers want the impossible for even the simplest of tech jobs.
They say they want us working, yet they pull bullshit like this. Make up your minds, assholes.
Modern education is little more than toeing the line for the capitalist pigs.
Guerrilla Liberalism won't liberate the US or the world from the iron fist of capital.
I'm sure I could get a McJob...
And destroy myself for the privilege of losing all my benefits due to my income being too high.
It's a rotten game the rich have going on. I'm just glad that I've found a way to eke out what I consider a stalemate.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
This hurts me deeply
"So many people tell me that I lack ambition."
So many people didn't live through what you did and they have no right to judge you or your actions! They say that they see you as a stoner who has given up on returning to living like they do. Would it be okay with them if you were gorked out on "legal" pharmaceutical poisoned pills that if you took them then you might be gorked out in a worse way? The types of pills that their side effects gives people suicidal ideation? Do they think that your life would be better if you were spending your day fighting that demon? "They" can piss right off as far as I'm concerned! It's your life and you get to decide how you want to live it!
I have no idea what things you saw during your time in the sandbox, but I can imagine how horrible it was for you there and if you are having difficulty dealing with it, but you have found a way to do so, then good for you. The only person you owe an explanation to is yourself. Period!
I'm happy that you have found a way that lets you live some of your life your way. I am so happy that you checked in with us and let us know how you are doing. I think of you often and hope that you are doing as okay as you can be doing.
Take care and stop bye again if you feel the need. Glad to hear from you and that you are enjoying being with your kids!
As for the disabled part and people thinking that you are not as bad off as you think, fuck them too. I deal with this daily. People see me out with my dawgs walking every day and I see some of them speaking to each other after I go bye and think "piss off, you have no idea how badly I'm hurting right now!" I don't think that I should have to have a limp or some other outwardly sign that I'm disabled. If I did this then it would screw my body up more and then what? Yeah, piss off or spend a day in my body.
I don't like to talk about it much...
mainly because it isn't pleasant.
On the other hand, it's given me a new appreciation for small and personal things.
Feels like having a small oasis in the middle of a desert. You hope others can make it to where you are, but it's very hard to venture out, knowing what strife lies beyond the borders of your comfort zone.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
disabled with dawgs
My physical disabilities are obvious; I'm housebound, obviously dependent on supplemental oxygen, and, for the most part, bedridden. Yet Social Security asked me to ask my doctor when I could return to work.
So I rented a bariatric wheelchair out-of-pocket, had friends who own a van fetch it to me, had them haul it and me to the doctor. (A process we refer to as "the torments of the damned".) Asked the doc the question, received an hearty ROTFLMAO for an answer!
All these things have a common source: the neo-Calvinist (or Ayn Randian) assumption that everyone on any sort of government benefits is a criminal ripoff and living as we are by choice.
Nothing can be further from the truth! All of us disabled folks know this. But that doesn't stop the abuse from those more fortunate than us.
I wouldn't have love from four-footeds if I didn't have cats. Unless and until a major breakthrough occurs, and my ability to walk safely be restored, the day I could take care of dawgs properly has, alas, passed.
All the disabled folks here on c99p should know I'm behind them 100%+. Nil illegitimis carborundum! (don't let the bastards grind you down)
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
My friend who had a stroke
basically (vascular brain tumor, very rare and congenital) at 40 had her ex mother in law tell her one day she was lucky to get that SSDI, she'd always get a check... There's a reason that woman is her ex mother in law but the idiocy of that remark, man I'm glad I was not there when that was said. Although in a way now, I wish I had been.
Only a fool lets someone else tell him who his enemy is. Assata Shakur
your friend who had the stroke
From my distant viewpoint -- you know the principal people involved, I do not -- there are two ways to look at that. Yes, she's lucky she was granted SSDI. Many who should qualify for it, including our own The Aspie Corner, don't succeed. On the other hand, it can definitely be said in a way that sneers at and belittles the recipient, which appears to be the case here. Jerks.
The insensitivity and boorishness of some of those who are still healthy and intact utterly amazes me from time to time. And that's Karma I'd rather not court, if you know what I mean!
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
The idea that the disabled are "Lucky"
is pure reactionary crap put forth by fascist assholes who only are upset they can't actually kill people they judge worthless.
Ahhh... Yes a ridiculously aggressive response, but the idea that I'm faking... well it pisses me off, and the Trumpsters are on that track.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
lucky?
Understood. And agreed wholeheartedly. I certainly wouldn't recommend my current situation for anyone. And I, too, grow weary of having to deal with the fascist assholes.
I don't want to be in the same county as some of those Trumpsters when their karma for this crap comes back around.
How anyone can live that narrowly, shallowly, and just plain meanly is beyond me.
I'm sorry you have this crap to face. You don't deserve it.
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
Ditto
"How anyone can live that narrowly, shallowly, and just plain meanly is beyond me."
There are so many people who feel that anyone who doesn't work do not deserve to just sit at home and get free money (from them.)
I posted a description of what I used to do for a living in another essay a few days ago and as I was writing it I found out how much I miss doing it. It's been 20 years since I sat behind the camera I used for work and I'd give anything to be able to do this again. But, oh well. Isn't life something that happens to you when you made other plans?
Thank Dawg for cats!
Actually any furry creature that makes people's days better are a gift. Glad to hear that you have your cats to keep you company.
One thing about having dawgs is that they get you out of the house and walking unless you want to live with the guilt and their stares all day. On the days that I don't walk because of the weather, my dawgs jump up every single time I move or sigh heavily. But I have been walking for 3 decades and it not only keeps me sane, it keeps my condition from getting worse.
Hope that one day you can get a dawg again. I don't see why SS can't just send their letters directly to the doctor. I have to go monthly so it's not a problem for me, but it sure is for you.
walking the dawgs
Sometimes I wonder if my Rufus was dropped into the wrong queue when ponying up to be born. He's convinced he's either a lion or a dawg.
He's extremely protective of my Mom (with whom we all live).
My Chocolate is a domesticated cat, through and through, and is happy to be just that.
I recognize the sanity value of long walks. I miss them terribly. I used to walk and bicycle my way all over El Paso County, Colorado. The day in 2006 when my right knee emitted the horible cracking noise and dropped me to the floor -- the first manifestation of the osteoarthritis -- was in many ways the worst day of my life. I describe that workday thus: "I walked into work a young man and crawled out an old man."
I am glad you can still do at least some walking. I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone.
It worked out OK. Social Security responded to my form (which, among other things, proved they got it) by saying "no further review necessary at this time". And Doc's response tells me that if they do query him, I'm in no danger of losing my benefits.
And if we can get me to the condition where prosthetic knees are a possibility, I may be able to walk reliably again. But I won't get another dawg unless I can do it right all the way. Dawgs deserve that from their humans, and I'm definitely there. But when I need some dawg loves, my sister's dawgs do me quite well. Max is 130 pounds of German Shorthair Pointer, and his roomie Snoopy (!) is 30 pounds of Rat Terrier! They play tug-of-war with their toys, which is hilarious to watch as Max can pick Snoopy up via the toy! And both those dawgs treat me as if I'm family.
My sister's dawgs have one other advantage: they get along with cats!
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
People keep telling me to get a dog...
including my SO... I just... Honestly, I don't want to take on more responsibility, as I can barely take care of my kids.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
Rufus was dropped in the wrong que
how funny. I've seen cats that do act a lot like dawgs. I had one that played chase with me just like a dawg would. My aunt has the sweetest cat who loves dawgs and he always wants to play with Charlie when we visit, but Charlie is scared of him. She won't look at him if he comes into the room, starts shaking and wants to sit on my lap and hide.
Wouldn't a knee replacement work for you? This type of surgery has come a long way since it started. Or is your condition more involved than just replacing the knee?
knee replacement
Please check your private messages, Snoop! (You too, DMW!)
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
Do have a look at real stem cell work
which you can read a bit more about here https://centenoschultz.com/regenexx-knee-surgery-replacement-alternatives/
Or more about the Centeno-Shultz clinic's blog and email info: https://centenoschultz.com/blog/
Medicare doesn't cover these treatments, and I wouldn't have known of them unless someone I know who had been set up for standard knee surgery was referred to the clinic (not far from where she lives). She was in constanct severe pain with knee osteoarthritis. Managed to scrape up the funds somehow.
Following the treatment she was in bed for two or three days, then able to get on with signing up to teach, walking a lot more comfortably. No invasive surgery.
It sounds fraudulent but trust my friend and am glad it's there.
Glad to see your post, too. It always feels like you have your finger on solid actuality.
stem cell treatments
Thank you for the information! Unless these people have some program to help poor folks, it's out of my reach, as I don't have a "somehow" to come up with thousands of dollars. Medicare and Medicaid are all I have. But just reading the blog was informative in the extreme; it seems that these folks have their heads on straight and are doing real good for real people.
Thank you!
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
more appropriate to the themes of c99:
I told Creosote:
Just one more thing that would be solved with national single payer!!
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
Beautiful reply
I do not know what it is like to be severely disabled. I have a very mild disability that makes me feel less normal than I should so I can try to somewhat understand.
But you, snoopydawg, understand far more than any of us able or even slightly less able people could ever understand what you both are going through in every day life. Thank you for your great comment.
Do I hear the sound of guillotines being constructed?
“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." ~ President John F. Kennedy
Happy to be a
So glad you've found your peace of mind.
Hard to achieve but extremely healthy.
I'm with you.
Regardless of the path in life I chose, I realize it's always forward, never straight.
It's not total peace...
But it's a state of equilibrium.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
You're just ahead of the evolutinary trend, my friend.
R. Buckminster Fuller helped me figure this out young. He had the best take on what we should be doing:
Humans have so much that is important to do. You already did everything you need to do for society, besides raising children into adults who can make their own contributions to civilization.
You're living now in a sustainable way, inside and out. You are out there, in the future. You're already making it work for you, not the other way 'round. As Universal Basic Income becomes enstated, humankind will find its purpose again, and transcend the soulless corruption of capitalism. Better worlds are waiting for us to build them.
the future
"The army of production must be organised, not only for everyday
struggle with capitalists, but also to carry on production when capitalism shall have been overthrown. By organizing industrially we are forming the structure of the new society within the shell of the old."
-- Preamble to the IWW Constitution source
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
Breaking free of the desire for MOOOOORE!!!!!
was hard.
There are still things I want, but I'm amazed how many of the things I want are experiences and not material products. Conventions, conversations, trips... you know, the type of things that cannot be stolen.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
please do us a favor.....
Please do us a favor, DMW. Kindly please don't be such a stranger again!
I, for one, missed you badly!
"US govt/military = bad. Russian govt/military = bad. Any politician wanting power = bad. Anyone wielding power = bad." --Shahryar
"All power corrupts absolutely!" -- thanatokephaloides
Bingo!
thanatokephaloides says it all for me.
Do I hear the sound of guillotines being constructed?
“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." ~ President John F. Kennedy
I apologize...
When Depression and frustration get ahold of me... I tend to shut down hard. It's frustrating as hell. All I was really up to was running my twitter...
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
Your ears must have been burning! I asked about you
recently with a friend here in an email.
I am glad to hear you are in a better place in your head and heart, that you have an SO, and the joy of your children.
I never understood why people would denigrate someone on "welfare" or disability program for turning down their $700 a month for a $1200 a month job that cost them $100 to drive to, $200 for babysitters, and then pay $300 for their drs. and meds out of pocket. Just to show some work ethic? And not cost people tax money? To carry their own weight or something?
At least you put love out into the world. If that is of no value, the let the damn world just end.
I just sat outside, drank a cold beer, felt the cool breeze, listened to the birds chirp, an occasional car drive by. The cattle across the way were lowing, some coyotes were yipping, flowers all over my yard are in bloom, and I thought of you.
My outside is not Mosul.
It is more like Eden.
Wish you were here.
Check in when you can.
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981
I admit that I have a skewed view of heaven...
I imagine a house built into a mountain... with all the best rooms on the right side, because they're the ones with windows.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
At least you look forward to heaven.
If you need anything, send me a pm.
Ok?
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981
evening dmw...
i'm really glad to hear that you've found your equilibrium and a measure of happiness. i hope that your circumstances continue to improve and you find the time and interest to check back in here often.
illegitimi non carborundum!
Thanks for the welcome back.
I was raging pretty hard last night and almost penned a furious diary, but then I just let it go.
I still have my rage, but It's become cold forged.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
I like your rage dmw, that is what I missed
hey man, I forgot how much your essays and the comments triggered me in to oblivion. BLAM! Speechless, so much for that. lol
I didn't talk to my neighbor for months after she said "I wish I was on disability" because wtf am I supposed to say to that? Oh yeah, this is so great losing everything I ever worked to keep! Just fucking kill me now, just do it please. 25 cent Stop & Drop that's what I dream about, because people are smart and the economy is great!
http://futurama.wikia.com/wiki/Suicide_booth
Cheap AND legal please. "Would you like "quick and painless" or "slow and horrible"?"
Why not just push fentanyl out everywhere, and claim you are warring on drugs. oh wait...
Suicidal ideation is a symptom of something, just another symptom that is all.
Peace & Love
find it
Greetings, dmw ~~
It’s good to hear from you. Thanks for the update on your journey. We are all on one. Some forget that. You need not apologize to anyone for living your life. Just continue on and stop in, especially when you miss us. Your voice has always been important here.
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
I appreciate that.
My problem is that on occasions I forget that I have the ability to multi-task, and I get wrapped up with one or two problems.
This has been my pattern my whole life, and it's one that I wish I could break.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.
The idea of "enough"
Most people don't grok it, but I'm with you there.
I've mostly checked out, myself. In the future, I may have to change some things, but at this point, the concept of “enough” covers me. It's a good place to be.
Enjoy.
And have Peace.
“We may not be able to change the system, but we can make the system irrelevant in our lives and in the lives of those around us.”—John Beckett
Great to hear from you!
Please tell your kids the C99 community says "Hey!"
Glad to read you have found a little peace in your situation. I'm sorry our culture is so focused on money. Keep being true to yourself, and drop in every now and then to say "hi". You have friends here which is obvious in the comment thread.
Sending good thoughts your way! All the best to you and yours.
“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”
Much appreciated.
I've actually reconnected with my family as well, on a limited basis. They don't approve of the way I'm living my life, but they see my happy, healthy kids, and figure that my priorities are in the right place.
I do not pretend I know what I do not know.