Why I Wrote My Matt Lauer/Hillary Story Yesterday. It's Because I was Raped

This isn't an easy story to tell, but I've been up all night thinking about why the stories linking sexual predator Matt Lauer to alleged sexism toward Hillary at a political forum 14 months ago were resurrected yesterday, and why they bothered me so much I felt compelled to write about it. And last night, a nasty twitter exchange with a Clinton supporter made me understand why. Because 35 years ago I was raped.

Since February 13, 2015, I stepped out from behind my online moniker in a post at Daily Kos that I republished here at Caucus99. Besides my real name, I revealed a lot of personal information about myself, including referencing a diary at Daily Kos (posted in 2011 and now archived at my Medium site) in which I came out as bi-sexual. What I chose not to mention, however, is that in my early twenties I was raped. Until today, I have never felt compelled to go public about what is a very private and painful memory. But that changed yesterday.

My life at the time was a mess. My second marriage had collapsed after my ex-wife, who had encouraged the exploration of my sexuality, left me for an older man with a high paying job. I worked at a dead end job and was extremely depressed. I used the gay club scene in Denver and abused numerous recreational drugs (abusing recreational drugs (marijuana, nitrous oxide, amyl nitrite, amphetamines and Quaaludes, among others) to escape my feelings of worthlessness and despair.

I've often found it hard to describe why I found the gay scene of the early eighties so appealing. However, as a severely shy person with low self-esteem, gay clubs were a revelation for me. In gay slang, I would be called today a "twink." I was very slender at 5'11 and 145 pounds and was often mistaken for a underage teenager. At a gay club, I didn't have to pretend to be masculine, or display macho behaviors. I could express the effeminate traits that I suppressed during my "normal" life without fear of being derided or shunned.

And to accentuate my effeminate appearance, I wore makeup, women's perfume, jewelry, curled my hair and dressed in camisoles or silk blouses and wore tight jeans. Instead of being seen as perverse or immoral, this was accepted behavior among the gay community. Going to a gay club allowed me the liberty of not having to find a partner and face rejection. Instead, many gay men found me attractive. I was an object of desire for the first time in my life. Men pursued me. I could choose whether I wanted to dance with them, accept a drink from them or have a sexual encounter with them.

I was also incredibly naive.

Many parents go to great lengths to warn our daughter girls and young women of the dangers of sexually aggressive men. Wrongly or rightly, we frequently micromanage our daughter's appearance, impose greater restrictions on their relationships and generally express mote concern for the risk that they may suffer sexual abuse or assault. Those efforts often fail or prove counter-productive, but many of us still tend to go feel the need to "protect the girls." We constantly warn them of the possibility of rape and other forms of sexual assault.

With boys, on the other hand, it is usually the exact opposite. Parents hardly ever warn our sons that they also may become the victims of sexual predators. I know in my youth I did not expect that I could be sexually assaulted by gay men. That they too, might might force themselves on me and not take no for an answer. So when it happened, I was completely unprepared.

It was an evening in late Fall. Lacking a car, I took a cab to the club. I danced with a number of men, got more than a little drunk, and made generous use of "poppers" and other drugs provided by my dance partners. At one point in the evening, I noticed a large man, over six feet tall and weighing more than 250 pounds, standing with a female companion. eyeing me intently. During a break in the music, they came over and asked if I would have a drink with them. I said, sure why not. That was what I was there for, anyway. It was just a drink after all.

We sat and chatted for a bit. The man did all the talking. He kept saying how pretty I was. Not uncommon, but something seemed a little off about him and her. When I asked the them about their relationship, the man said they were just friends that liked to have threesomes together sometimes. He asked me if I was interested. I wasn't attracted to either one. However, not wanting to create any hard feelings, I made excuses, said that I had too much to drink, and had to work in the morning. I thanked them for the offer, but essentially I tried to convey in the nicest way possible that I wasn't interested. The man protested for a while, so I said my goodbyes and left them.

Shortly thereafter, I walked out the door of the club, but found no cabs waiting for fares. I wasn't comfortable standing around with the usual Denver cops who always seemed to be around the entrance, so I went back inside and asked the bartender if he could call a me a taxi. That's when he said the police had been cracking down on cabs parking near the club, and many of the cab companies just refused to pick people up there. If I wanted one, I would have to go downtown, a walk of about six blocks. He asked me if I'd come with anyone, and when I said no, that I was alone, he said he'd try to find someone who would escort me. The gist? He didn't think it was safe for someone looking like me to make that trek alone.

When he returned, it was with the couple I'd just left. The bartender said he knew them, and they were happy to help me out. Okay, I thought, sure. We went to the woman's car. She drove. The man got in the back seat with me, and crowded next to me. I was uncomfortable but didn't want to make a fuss. Halfway to my studio apartment in the Congress Park area, he started kissing me, grabbing my face and turning it toward him. I told him to stop, and after I pushed him away, he did, mumbling something I can't recall. His breath stunk from alcohol. I was concerned, but figured he'd just had too much to drink.

When we arrived at my address, he insisted on walking me up to my apartment. Wouldn't let me out until I agreed. Now I was starting to get afraid. I asked the woman to join us, but he said she needed to stay with the car. As we walked up the stairs to my studio, he kept his hands on me at all times. At the door, I thanked him for the ride and told him goodnight. Again, he demanded a kiss. I relented, after getting him to promise to leave afterward. He finished and took a step back. I opened my door and said good night, but he forced himself inside, literally pushing me with his body. I told him I wanted him to go. That he had promised. That his girlfriend was waiting for him. But he grabbed my hand, and took my keys away. Then he began pushing me toward my mattress that served as my bed in one corner of the floor. Then he said something I'll never forget.

"You're pretty. I wanna fuck you."

By this time, he had grabbed both my arms and was pushing me onto the mattress. I said no, again. I said a lot of things trying to get him to stop. Nothing mattered. He just kept repeating his little mantra, "I wanna fuck you." After forcing me onto the bed, he pulled my jeans off, and then the silk shirt I wore. I didn't resist, I just froze. I don't believe I've ever been more frightened in my life. He pushed me over onto my belly, unzipped his pants, spread my legs and, with the full weight of his body crushing me, he fucked me.

I was too scared to do anything but just lie there and let him do it. The physical pain was awful, but the psychological fear was much worse. Every bad thing you can imagine went through my head. I was convinced he was going to kill me. He was bigger, stronger. It was terrifying. He finished and fell asleep on top of me. I couldn't move. He was too heavy. After about twenty minutes, just as I managed to wiggle my upper half out from under him, he woke up. And then he did it again.

This time when he was done he mashed me into the wall against which my mattress rested. We lay like that for what seemed forever, though it was probably only fifteen or twenty minutes, him snoring, me silently freaking out. I finally manged to get off the bed, and find a robe to cover myself. I may have gone to the bathroom. Why I didn't try to leave I'll never understand. Instead, I went over and woke him up. It took a while. He was groggy, disoriented. I told him thanks for the wonderful time (yes, I remember saying that) but he needed to go now. I just kept saying he needed to go now, as I helped him pull up his pants, and walked him to my door. I remember waving after him as he stumbled down the stairs. Then when he was far enough away, I locked myself in, sat on the toilet and bawled my eyes out.

The next day I moved out of that apartment and went back to living with my parents. After that I rarely went to a gay club again. I never explained why to anyone.

I'd worked as a counselor at a group home for adolescent girls, many of who had been sexually abused by their fathers or uncles or whomever. I thought I understood how rape victims felt, thought I knew the emotional issues they faced, but I didn't, not deep down in my gut. Now I did.

Did I ever report the rape to the police? No. I had no expectations the Denver police would do anything. After all, I was just a little faggot to them. I had no physical scars to show that I'd been raped, other than some bleeding from my anus, and I doubted they would even bother looking for the guy. But I was also afraid. Afraid they might find him, or that he might find me. Better to stay quiet. Safer.

And I was ashamed. I blamed myself for what my rapist had done to me. You can't imagine how often the words, "if I'd only done this ..." reverberated through my head. Worse, I was ashamed that I hadn't fought back. I mean, that's what everyone says you;'e supposed to do. Even though from my own work with those teen girls who'd been raped I knew that most victims usually don;t resist, I still felt I should have done more. I was raised as most boys are in America. Someone tries to hurt you, you fight back. You stand your ground. Only cowards give up, give in. And I hadn't done that. I'd failed as a man.

So I repressed the memory of that night as best I could. And when I couldn't, I told myself the story that it hadn't really been all that bad. That I handled it the best way possible. I survived, right? Became a successful attorney. Had a family who loved me. But despite the passage of time, even years, some wounds never really heal. I found that out yesterday.

When the Think Progress article came out yesterday tying Matt Lauer's despicable behavior to his alleged sexist treatment of Hillary Clinton at the forum on foreign policy in early September 2016, I was infuriated. How dare they, I thought. These women had suffered a great deal at the hands of a truly awful man. How dare someone use their pain to elevate Hillary to the same status as Lauer's sexual abuse victims.

I confess, I have a bias against Hillary Clinton. I remember when all the sexual abuse and assault claims came out against Bill Clinton. At the time, it felt wrong that the media (other than Fox News) kept attacking and questioning the allegations raised by Paula Jones, Juanita Broadrick and Kathleen Wiley and others. I watched their interviews, read their stories, and they struck me as quite plausible. But I was a Democrat then, and supported Clinton's presidency after 16 years of having a Republican in the Oval Office.

Plus I felt sorry for Hillary. So I ignored what, in a better world, would have driven him from office and landed him in prison for sexual assault. Looking back, I am ashamed that I just shoved my initial feelings about his behavior under the rug. Knowing what I know now that both Bill and Hillary operated a smear machine to attack his "bimbo eruptions" whenever an accuser came forward with allegations of his sexual predation, I despise them both.

So yesterday triggered me. I reacted strongly against what I saw as a false equivalence between Lauer's "tough questioning" of Hillary Clinton and the sexual abuse he imposed on his co-workers. To my view, this was an attempt by Clinton's supporters, with or without her tacit approval, to exploit the pain of those women who'd been victimized by Lauer, a sexual predator much like Bill Clinton, to gain sympathy for her because she had to answer questions from Lauer about her conduct as Secretary of state, questions that were legitimate, and questions for which Lauer had been criticized at the time by many media outlets for being motivated by sexism. Whether his behavior was "sexist" or not (and we all know how carelessly the Clinton campaign unjustifiably threw that accusation at Bernie Sanders and his supporters), I saw these articles as a naked attempt to elevate Lauer's interview of her as equal to the level of suffering his female co-workers endured for years.

Yet it wasn't until I had an interaction with a Clinton supporter last night over this very issue that I was faced with the reason why I felt such extreme animus about this. After someone tweeted out this article from 2016, "How Sexism, Like Matt Lauer’s, Could Imperil the Nation," that I went off.

This led to a series of tweets back and forth between myself and another person to the conversation, which you can choose to read or not. Admittedly, it was not my finest moment, because I continued to engage with a Clinton supporter who didn't accept I had a valid point to make. But I was astonished that people were deliberately distorting my argument. After I was told I was the one who was in the wrong for even bringing this up, I lost it. I tweeted: "You ever been raped? Talk to me after you have. Until then you have no idea what I am talking about and never will." The response to that was: "Fuck off. Fuck you and your obsession. Go fuck yourself." Then I was told that this person had been raped and she or he essentially accused me of being a rapist. Not the best outcome for anyone. Mea culpa.

But if anything, yesterday taught me I'm still not over the trauma I suffered 35 years ago. I don't know what is going on with the "great sex panic of 2017" as some are calling it. Some have suggested its long overdue, others that it is part of a conspiracy to bring down Trump, or eviscerate the Clinton wing of the Democratic Party. I'm not that politically astute to be able to discern why, at this particular time, we are seeing so many powerful politicians, media "super stars" and other powerful people brought down by revelations of sexual assault and harassment.

What I do know, is that there are millions of people, children, women and men, who have been sexually assaulted and raped. Most of them were not attacked by famous or powerful people, but all of them deserve to be heard and their claims, when they feel courageous enough to come forward with them, should not be summarily dismissed. I fear, however, that outside of these few high profile cases, nothing much will change. Regular people will continue to be assaulted and their claims denied, disbelieved or worse, they will be blamed for what happened to them. There are so many like Weinstein and Lauer and O'Reilly and Moore, and yes, Trump, out there in the world. Our controlled propaganda outlets (i.e., corporate controlled media) are pulling the curtain back on a few instances of abuse. However, I doubt they are doing it to benefit the innumerable sexual abuse victims in this country, of that I an certain. Meanwhile the wheels of injustice, of inequality, of misery keep grinding down the vast majority of us. I feel we are watching an evil reality show that will not end well.

And that is my last word on that.

Take care,

Steven D

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mimi's picture

when I revealed a little bit of my son's life here, saying essentially (don't remember the exact words, but it was a short and heartfelt comment) "I am very sorry for what he had gone through".

Today I would like to say the same to you: "I am very sorry for the experience you had to go through and for the life-long wounds it has created."

Thank You for your so honest and brave "coming out". I hope it helped you a bit to write about it. I felt always touched by the kindness of your words and am glad to have met you once. I feel that your revelations today have made your person's image, I have had of you, complete and whole.

Be well and don't leave. You are a friend here and I am glad to read anything you write for C99p.

Give rose

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Steven D's picture

@mimi That was some day wasn't it? So glad we got to meet. I will always cherish the memory. Take care,

Steve

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

Unabashed Liberal's picture

@mimi

in expressing my gratitude for the candor, and especially, the immense courage which you've displayed by sharing the details of your traumatic experience. Give rose

Hopefully, it will be a step forward in your path to healing. Needless to say, after experiencing a violation of this magnitude, things may never be the same.

OTOH, after 'reading you' for several years, and being a witness to the deep compassion and caring that you exhibit on a regular basis--especially for the most vulnerable--I now realize that you've managed to take your very painful personal tragedy, and make something good out of it.

For that, we are all blessed. Thank you.

Mollie

Postcript: I am one of those folks who believe that the MSM has chosen to manipulate the public--using Weinstein's story as a catalyst--for political expediency.

Having said that, it doesn't mean that no good can or will come from the MSM's actions. I think that what we're witnessing on a daily basis is evidence that what (likely) began as a political maneuver, got away from the MSM, and metamorphosized into the national discussion that we've been witnessing and/or participating in for almost two months.

None of us can truly measure or understand the ultimate impact; but, I'm hopeful that the end result will be both enlightening and positive for Everyone, especially for those folks who've had to deal with/suffer from various forms of sexual assault/abuse/violation and/or discrimination.

Namaste.

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Everyone thinks they have the best dog, and none of them are wrong.

@Unabashed Liberal I think it was Taylor Swift winning against the DJ that showed that sometimes you can win. Wish you didn't have to be a multi millionaire to do it, though.

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Unabashed Liberal's picture

@Snode

folks can win. (I won a federal suit when I was nary a pup, so I know that it's possible.)

To be clear, my comments about the 'motives' of the MSM weren't intended to disparage, or to discourage anyone from telling their story--it was the opposite (intent). As I mentioned, it's my 'opinion' that the MSM's intentions were initially less than transparent, and had very little to do with helping folks.

However, their efforts did metamorphosize. As a result, the MSM's actions and narratives may have created a climate in which despicable behavior (sexual assault, etc.) will no longer be tolerated--including at the hands of the rich and powerful.

Have a good one!

Mollie


"I think dogs are the most amazing creatures--they give unconditional love. For me, they are the role model for being alive."--Gilda Radner

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."--Will Rogers

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Everyone thinks they have the best dog, and none of them are wrong.

Steven D's picture

@Unabashed Liberal @Unabashed Liberal for the reading of my work and your support. And the picture of your dog. I probably never said this but I always cheer up when I see that puppy. Smile

But, of course, thanks even more for being such a valuable member of the c99 community. I respect what you say. Considering how rarely I have let people know that here, and with the loss of native, I'm trying to rectify that. You're one of the backbones of this community. Thank you.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

Unabashed Liberal's picture

@Steven D @Steven D

and generous words are most humbling. Of course, as I see it, you are the one who contributes so much to our Community with your excellent essays. (I just sorta jump in, and kibitz a bit! Wink )

Like you, I'm going to try to remember to express more gratitude toward the folks that make up this Community--for their many contributions, and for 'just being who they are.'

Hopefully, this would be a fitting way to honor and remember 'native' as a cherished member of the C99P Community. I must say, his sudden and serious illness is a stark reminder that none of us are promised tomorrow; so, we owe it to ourselves and others to live each day to the fullest. Like he did.

Oh, Mister B says 'thanks,' and sends people scritches your way!

Biggrin

Mollie


"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."--Lao Tzu
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IowanX's picture

Very sorry to hear your story, but I'm glad you had the courage to tell it. Honest people are hard to find--fortunately a lot of them are right here on this website. You make a difference, you know.

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Steven D's picture

@IowanX I don't know about making a difference, I hope a little. I may not be able to respond to many more of these. I am getting pretty emotional, but I'll try.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

Trauma like this never really goes away. I am also triggered by all these harassment and rape stories.
I've been avoiding the news for the most part because it's so triggering, and not just the sexual harassment, but also just the horrifying unfairness of people. The gaslighting and the lack of empathy and compassion. I think it hits people with a trauma history very hard. Again, I'm sorry.

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Steven D's picture

@Iogrey @Iogrey I didn't realize how much this was getting to me. I appreciate your kind words. I probably should step away from Twitter for a while.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

You're brave for sharing the story of your awful experience. I'm glad you survived.

I share your puzzlement about the current tsunami of accusations. On one hand, sexual harassment and abuse are huge problems, worldwide, that need to be confronted. On the other hand, the timing of this wave seems more than a little suspicious. My big concern is that it's going to come out that specific influence peddlers decided this is a perfect time to turn this into a political football. Then watch people turn away in disgust; not from the abusers, but from the victims. Disgust at having been manipulated into thinking this is a big deal.

It's not a big deal, it's a huge, omnipresent deal. But it's not political, it's cultural.

Yes, I'm concern trolling I guess. But my gut is telling me something's very off about this.

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@Wary Idealist Same with racism and affirmative action in many ways - just one more thing used to drive a wedge and certainly an opportunity to try to shame the victims. We do already see that with certain victims after all, not just sexual ones either.

But you know, sometimes I think it really helps to hear these kinds of truths from ordinary people. All these celebrity's and salacious details cheapen what really happens to everyday people. I don't think it's concern trolling to point that out, even in an essay as real as this one. I myself will watch none of their media circus on this. I feel for the victims but I'm not going to watch our lame ass media try to show compassion either. Ick, always sickening.

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Only a fool lets someone else tell him who his enemy is. Assata Shakur

to actual assault. Thank the Gods or shear luck. You're very brave for telling this story. And I can intellectually grasp why you did not fight back - if someone can do that do you, what else could they do to you? Why on earth would anyone risk provoking someone who's capable of that? Some do, but not very many and who is anyone who's not been there to judge that? And I think most of us can relate to feeling guilty or ashamed of something like that happening to us and not being able to tell about it, or not wanting to even face it. Denial can be a powerful coping mechanism, I know I use it a lot.

I'm sorry it happened to you. And I'm angry at that woman for driving that guy around and enabling him. She too is a rapist as far as I'm concerned.

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Only a fool lets someone else tell him who his enemy is. Assata Shakur

Steven D's picture

@lizzyh7 I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

As for the woman driving him around, I don't know why she was involved with him or what her deal was. I never will. But I imagine it wasn't a healthy relationship, and she may have been in a lot of fear as well. Who knows?

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

snoopydawg's picture

This took courage to write about and then share it. I agree with Logrey. You do make a difference to me too.

I saw a graph of the women that Lauer assaulted and the last one was on Her and the way he went after Her for the emails. I read this on 3 other sites. Putting Her into the list of women who were sexually exploited by Lauer is demeaning of the other women.
Her was a public figure who had broken the law and people did want to hear about them. In the next sentence however, was how he "lobbed softballs" at Trump. The media have gotten their orders from on high to put this out there.
Let's not forget the way that She went after the women who had accused Bill of sexual assaults and especially how she got her rapist client off. I read an article about how this affected this woman's life for years. Decades actually.

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@snoopydawg as Bill in Hers use of women for her own ends, just disgusting.

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Only a fool lets someone else tell him who his enemy is. Assata Shakur

snoopydawg's picture

@lizzyh7

They both had high expectations of being a power couple and if she had left him after he was impeached, I doubt she would have become senator and then gone on to being SOS.
I still don't understand why people say that she is so great for women and children. Can anyone point me to what she did FOR them? I only know what she did that caused millions more pain and suffering.

Steven, I so agree with you on this. What they are trying to do to us is beyond insane. They know damned well that their tax cuts are going to hurt most people and many of them are living on the edge already.

Meanwhile the wheels of injustice, of inequality, of misery keep grinding down the vast majority of us. I feel we are watching an evil reality show that will not end well.

Hatch is already saying that there isn't enough money to fund it and that too many people are just living off the government's teat and they just don't want to work.
Listen to him tell Sherrod Brown that.

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Centaurea's picture

@snoopydawg

I still don't understand why people say that she is so great for women and children. Can anyone point me to what she did FOR them?

I think when people say that, they're probably thinking of the positions she held as a young lawyer and then as First Lady of Arkansas, pertaining to children and family law.

In the '70s, she did some work as a lawyer for Marian Wright Edelman's organization, the Children's Defense Fund.

After moving to Arkansas, she helped to found the non-profit organization Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families, which is associated with the Children's Defense Fund. She also was involved with various efforts to reform the Arkansas public education system. Her role in using the legal system to reform education in Arkansas was highly visible from a political perspective.

(Interestingly, some of the Arkansas people she worked with on education reform rode her coattails to D.C., and did quite well for themselves. At least one of them became a Democratic National Committee member.)

Since Hillary has had her eye on being POTUS from the time she was a child, but grew up at a time when that was a radical idea for a woman, her strategy was apparently to use traditional "women's work", i.e. issues related to children and families, with which to launch herself. Not a bad strategy, actually.

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"Don't go back to sleep ... Don't go back to sleep ... Don't go back to sleep."
~Rumi

"If you want revolution, be it."
~Caitlin Johnstone

Steven D's picture

@snoopydawg You provide a lot here in the comments that I appreciate. I want you to know that.

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snoopydawg's picture

on one hand this started with Weinstein being finally accused opening of his history of sexually assaulting women for decades and that has encouraged other women to speak about their experiences too. This has been covered up for far too long and the damage is something that people have been living with.

On the other hand, is this being covered as it is because the Russian thing has flitted out? Are we still being played by the PTB to be so distracted that we won't pay attention to what congress is doing? Or what Trump's cabinet picks are?

Anyone know what Rachel is talking about this week? This or is she still talking about Russia and Trump?
BTW, Keith quit being involved in politics this week. Is this because as he stated that Trump is finished and his work is done, or is it something else? Inquiring minds....

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@snoopydawg Where did you get that info? I am very interested.

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"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981

snoopydawg's picture

@on the cusp

therefore his work is done. Apparently he thinks that mueller is going to put him in prison after Flynn rats on him. All I've read about this is that Flynn didn't register as a foreign lobbyist and this is why he's in trouble. Or something. I don't follow this crap, just see headlines on it. Podesta has the same problem. He I'd like to see go to prison.

Why I Think Trump Is Finished (And My Work Is Done)

I am confident now, even more so than I have been throughout the last year, that this nightmare presidency of Donald John Trump will end prematurely—and end soon. And I am thus also confident that this is the correct moment to end this series of commentaries.

Mueller makes a deal with Flynn… to get Donald Trump. Period.

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Daenerys's picture

Thanks for sharing your story.

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This shit is bananas.

Steven D's picture

@Daenerys I'm grateful for you and your contributions here.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

is this being covered as it is because the Russian thing has flitted out? Are we still being played by the PTB to be so distracted that we won't pay attention to what congress is doing? Or what Trump's cabinet picks are?

This is my suspicion. There is some truly horrifying shit going down politically (and militarily), and it feels like this is being used as the latest shiny to distract us.

Fixing our violent culture doesn't begin and end with punishing people. Yes, violators have gotten away with too much for too long, but I want an enduring solution, not knee jerk retribution.

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snoopydawg's picture

@Wary Idealist

it looks like she is still on the Russian bandwagon crap. She did cover Lauer and the tax cuts, but then got back to Russia.
Geez, does money really make people lose their minds integrity and values?
She has slipped so far since her Air America days and when we first saw her on Keith's show. Actually both of them lost their minds when Obama was elected. They took Bush to the woodshed, but forgot to cover Obama when he did the same things.

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thanks for being so brave as to share.
And I would like to add:
No victim should ever worry about how they eventually find a way to share their story. These are such horrific stories that have been shared as of late, and when they are critiqued with "why did he/she wait until now to tell the story", or "why did he/she choose this venue" I fear that these critiques are meant to subtly (or not so subtly) silence the next person who is ready to share their story.
Every victim should know they are welcome to tell their story at the time of their choosing and in the way of their choosing.

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Steven D's picture

@wouldsman that I don't get. Only certain people are allowed to be victims. I mean, certain groups are pandered to and told how they are victims by our society, but when push comes to shove, the majority of real people who have suffered something traumatic, whether sexual assault, mental illness, violence, financial catastrophe, what have you, are told to shut the f up and just take it. All the neurotic suffering of wealthy people on "reality TV shows" is glamorized, and its okay to feel for them, but empathy for real people? How ridiculous. And call out the politicians and systemic inequity and injustice which they create and you're dismissed out of hand.

Anyway, thanks very much for reading and leaving your comment. It means a lot.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

don't ever doubt yourself. Most folks lack the courage to look at themselves honestly and then to meet their reflection head on. You have met yourself and decided to climb the wall and move forward. You are braver and wiser than you can imagine. I admire that.

I am proud to know you and very proud that you chose to grace our pages with your soul.

Thank you, my friend.

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Steven D's picture

@JtC @JtC I am most grateful to you for the privilege of being permitted to post here.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

for your candor and courage. You said, eloquently, what many of us were thinking with the Lauer disclosures and this being dined out on by HRC harpies and likely compensated trolls.

I have followed your posts and appreciate your wisdom and insight.

The worst suffering is always human inflicted harm. This is the worst trauma. I am glad you weren't killed in that horrific experience. And glad for your voice, and your intelligence. A very informed voice!

Like you, I am outraged at Clinton's "victimhood". It is entirely contrived. I too found Bill Clinton's victims voices truthful and compelling, as well as the 12 year old she sharpened her legal skills on, with devastating consequences to a child: one so much less blessed than herself. She is the more monstrous for that: and more like Lauer and others: indeed; she has more in common with them than the very real persons who have been left in her narcissistic wake. Other humans are simply objects to this kind of person. It is traumatic to see this: and it is worse for those who have lived through the end result of that pathology, to have to listen to lies, and persona management, and even criminal thinking errors.

So it is traumatic yet again: and your response to this is entirely healthy! I have always thought of PTSD or other responses to trauma, as a normal, and healthy, reaction to abnormal and disturbed circumstances. Human cruelty and indifference are the worst trauma.

You are the antithesis of that: as evidenced by your many insightful and compassionate comments.

And your courage in standing up for truthful understanding.

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Steven D's picture

@sorrowforhumans - well that's not true, I do, but it so frustrating to see Clinton people build these artificial walls and shelter behind them, and go full on tribal in support of someone that is a very bad influence on our politics and our world, and attack anyone who tries to break through to them. It's as if the only empathy they have (at least that they are willing to post endlessly about online) is for these two monsters rather than all the rest of the world to which they have done so much damage.

People are weird.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

mhagle's picture

Sad Sad Sad

I don't know that I have the right words to say. But others here have. I appreciate you and your work here so much.

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Marilyn

"Make dirt, not war." eyo

Steven D's picture

@mhagle all words of support are the right ones. Thanks so much.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

I'm sorry you had to suffer that experience. I'm torn on this #metoo movement because while I believe that raising awareness is a fine thing, I also worry that the subject is getting trivialized by not only the politicization but also because of the strict binary response we're supposed to have to every instance (the one where people unblinkingly refer to Al Franken and Louis CK as rapists - they are NOT). I've resisted sharing my story up until now (I only told my wife of 21 years about it a couple of weeks ago) because it has aspects that are inconsistent with the PC narrative, but here goes...

About 30 years and 20 pounds ago I was a skinny goth/punk kid with long black hair (think Laura Prepon on Orange Is The New Black) and a penchant for eyeliner, tight black jeans, and pointy-toed boots. I was mildly bi-curious - in the manner that young people searching for their sexual identity are, I suppose - but never pursued that with any sincerity or effort. I liked girls and wished I was more sexually successful with them than I was.

One night, I went to a party at someone's house with a group of friends, including a girl I then had a FWB relationship with. I met some new people and got majorly drunk, and as the night edged towards dawn and after all my friends had left I finally laid down to crash on the floor.

I don't think I had been asleep for long when I felt a pair of lips trying to stimulate my flaccid penis. I woke with a shock to find a guy from the party hovering over my lower half. I pulled my jeans back up and found the concha belt I'd been wearing around my hips had been broken into several pieces. I angrily demanded an accounting of what had happened to me from the party-throwers, but received only cagey avoidance. The guy who was sucking me, whom I don't recall having more than passing conversation with, asked me if I wanted to go to the gay bar with him that night as I stormed out of the house with what remained of my belt.

The next day I told my FWB girlfriend about the incident. Her response was amusement at what she perceived as my emasculanation. And THAT, actually, was the worst part of it all. I was angry that my sweet, sexy concha belt had been destroyed, but a part of me felt flattered (and I still do) that this guy found me desirable. He didn't do it because he hated me, or thought that I was less than a person. The incident wasn't violent, unlike getting beaten up by rednecks in a White Castle parking lot at 2:00 am - those guys DID hate me, and that beating sucked far worse than a non-consensual blowjob.

About a month or so later I went out with my FWB again. We had been dancing at a club and went back to her place. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep when she sat up and told me with no levity or sweetness whatsoever, "If you go to sleep I'm going to kick you in the head!" So I rolled over and fucked her, perfunctorily and dispassionately (I would've been insulted to be on the receiving end of it), and then I got to go to sleep. We never hooked up again after that.

I'm sure I'm "wrong" for not having the appropriate feelings about these events, but I've had 30 years to mull them over and it's still how I feel. And when I hear people recall their "trauma" at unwanted touching or a vulgar suggestion (which I understand is NOT the nature of your experience, Steven), it makes me wonder about their personal mettle.

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Steven D's picture

@FutureNow How weird and awful. Thanks for feeling you could share that. I know you aren't the only one to go through something like this and be dismissed or shamed for it.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

lotlizard's picture

It means more to me than you can know.

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Steven D's picture

@lotlizard I'm glad it did mean something. Stay well. Hugs from me.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

Mark from Queens's picture

Can't imagine the shame, disorientation, and sense of being violated you must have felt, and then forced yourself to hold onto that for so long. It pains me to hear your story. I guess in some ways each of us lives with varying degrees of pain, but not on that level.

Worst of all is to realize how ill-equipped we are with compassion for one another as human beings. Because this crass, sensationalized-driven society stigmatizes such victims a whole segment of society suffers in the dark. Instead of empathy and providing care we've found ourselves in a contemporary society lacking basic decency and the proper forums in which to heal.

You're a gentle and caring soul, Steven. I'm pleased to have met you, and think of you as a comrade and friend. Another meet-up would probably do a bunch of us good. Wish we could have gotten something together this year, as I've mentioned to Joe. But I'm still in the thick of it here, though I think of it often.

We're here for each other.

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"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:

THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC"

- Kurt Vonnegut

Steven D's picture

@Mark from Queens another meet-up. Life has been so crazy for everyone. Thanks for being a friend.

And I agree 100% with what you said. Our culture is sick, and I think we all know what the disease is.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

riverlover's picture

Yesterday my PTSD was activated by Village of the Damned (Discovery)and now by empathy for you and for us all. Hearing the words 'early sexualization' pop out of my 14 y/o's
mouth floored me. Pregnant at 16, a dead half-formed child. TFSM no marriage.

We all cling to the walls. Peace be with us all.

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Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.

Steven D's picture

@riverlover I know how hard things are for you. Fingers crossed some good days are coming.

Steve

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

You are lucky to be alive to give us your insight and experience, and to give us an example of how to live such an extraordinary life carrying such an extraordinary weight on your heart.
Water is political.
Air is political.
Now, sexual assault and harassment is political.
None of those issues should be political, but they damn sure are.

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"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981

Steven D's picture

@on the cusp I wish I did, but I try to. It's not about being a good person, because I haven't always met that standard. What matters I think is to get up each day and try to be a better person than the day before. Right now, I keep wishing we could find more people making that effort rather than thinking that if you belong to the right "tribe" it means you are good. Our tribalism is killing us.

Thanks for the kind words. It helps.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

@Steven D Along the way, I met many male dancers, most gay and some straight.
Virtually all of them had been raped, one of them, a straight guy, had his leotard, tights, leg warmers on, some ballet slippers, and he was rushing to his studio. Flat tire, guy in a truck pulls over to help, the net of it was, this guy had his face sliced, and the guy in the truck that raped and disfigured him was never found.
That happened in Houston, 1969 or 1970.
I was 17 or 18 when I was meeting these guys. I entered college when I was 16.
Viet Nam vets in one row, rape victims in the other, all of us trying to get through our college courses, trying to grow up.
This world is tough, ain't it?

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"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981

detroitmechworks's picture

But I really have no words to express my feelings.

I'm sorry.

You've supported me when I told hard stories, and so, I want to do the same for you. Just know that my laconic behavior is because this is your story, and I want to be supportive.

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Steven D's picture

@detroitmechworks a much as anyone. I should have told you that before. I have a great deal of admiration for you. Thanks,

Steve

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

orlbucfan's picture

simply tell it. Thank you and Rec'd!!

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Inner and Outer Space: the Final Frontiers.

Steven D's picture

@orlbucfan After the last few days I think I had to tell it for myself. Writing is my therapy. I'm grateful to all of you guys here.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

Benny's picture

I went out on a date with a person I met while working in a bar. He came to pick me up, went out, had dinner and drinks, was a nice time. After leaving the restaurant, the date said he had to go take care of a friend's pets. Would I mind if we went over? I agreed, but as it turned out, the friend lived out in the country.

I was a little concerned, but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking this would be a quick errand, then we would go out dancing or go to another bar to talk some more. He fed the dogs and lit up a doobie. I partook in sharing the joint, but we didn't finish it as he started making advances since we were both stoned. I allowed a couple of passionate embraces, then he signaled about going to the bedroom. As it was about 11:30 at night, I made excuses to refuse the advances, such as that I had to go to work the next day and do some studying (I was in college), and could he take me home? He asked if we could stay longer, and by then, I was scared because I had not had intercourse before, but I mustered the courage to say no, I really needed to go home, repeating my reasons. It took a couple of times to get through verbally, but luckily he didn't try to force himself further.

We left and he drove me home. He walked me to the door, gave me a goodbye kiss, and said he would come by the bar to see me sometime. I thanked him for the evening and hoped he wouldn't.

He did drop by the bar while I was working a few weeks later, however, he had a date in tow. I was relieved. But I don't know if he ever repeated such an encounter. I've often thought he perceived that workers in bars were generally more willing to engage in sex and didn't have strong scruples.

StevenD, I can't imagine the pain you went through. In my case, the psychological impact didn't stray far and the lesson learned was to be careful with men I didn't know very well, inebriated or not. I didn't have any hesitation to say no when I was uncomfortable, was not concerned about the rejection either.

I was lucky.

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One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will. To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.--Tennyson

Steven D's picture

@Benny I'm glad you avoided a worse experience. We send a lot of mixed messages to young men and women, and I feel that is a large part of the problem. I'm struggling with my daughter over that now, feeling she has to conform to what society says women should be - work-wise, appearance-wise, etc. - rather than accepting the wonderful person she is and building on that base. And my son too, in many of the same ways, the idea he's feels like a failure because he's not wealthy or have a better job.

In the end, we can't prevent all bad experiences, but if we were a more caring society. less obsessed with what I see as counter-productive, superficial values - how one looks, how much money you make, how much stuff you have to have, whether we follow the right religion or ideology - I think we'd prevent as lot more of the violence and depression and anxiety I see being generated by our culture. That's why I like writing here. The people tend to lean more the direction of caring and empathy, as opposed to win at all costs, be better than your neighbor, ultra-competitive crap that I find destroys souls.

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"You can't just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution."---Tyree Scott

*sending hugs and hopes of healing*

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Psychopathy is not a political position, whether labeled 'conservatism', 'centrism' or 'left'.

A tin labeled 'coffee' may be a can of worms or pathology identified by a lack of empathy/willingness to harm others to achieve personal desires.

Deja's picture

In his beautiful tribute to native. So very sorry you experienced it, but so glad you survived it! You truly are a gift to us here on c99, and I am honored to be able to read your writing. Thank you!

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