Open Thread - Friday, February 3, 2017
I trust that when people meet, we meet for a transcendent reason, and that the challenges we face in life are always lessons that serve our soul's growth.
~ Marianne Williamson ~
Sweetie died Monday night. She had been in a coma for five days. Monday morning, I arrived at the hospice and Sweetie's eyes were open. She was motionless. I talked to her, told her I loved her. There was no feedback, but intuitively I knew she could hear me. I crawled into the bed and spooned her.
After awhile, nature called and I started to slip out of the bed when the most amazing thing happened. Sweetie cried out. She did not want me to leave. I whispered what I was up to and that I would be right back. Upon return, I grabbed a few of the mouth swabs, a little piece of sponge on a stick, dunked them in my lemonade and swabbed Sweetie's mouth. She actually closed her mouth and sucked on the sponge. It seemed to bring her a small modicum of contentment. I crawled back into bed and held her until she drifted off.
I went home and had dinner with Thing1. Meanwhile, Thing2 stopped by hospice, intuitively she knew death was imminent. She told Sweetie goodbye and that she was going to take care of Thing1 and I.
After dinner, I returned to the hospice. It just felt like that was what I needed to do.
When I returned, Sweetie was comatose and peaceful. I crawled in beside her and held her until the late evening medications and position change, then I went home to sleep. The hospice called about 12:45 AM to say Sweetie was gone.
Sweetie, I miss you.
Thanks for being here, the thread is OPEN.
Comments
You and she knew it was coming. I feel sad and tears leak.
Is it all dealt with? My mother is on the top shelf in sister's closet. She (mother) spoke to me for the first time yesterday in a dream. That spun me. Haunt continues. One of those DO NOT REMOVE tags was on the floor. I know not which I did not remove said item from. But I bought new pillows for my bed (tags still in place) and they have made sleep Likely for a change. It's the small things. Pillows do not seem like a betrayal.
Extra beds here, if you and either Thing want to road trip into the frozen Upstate NY. Snow tires might be needed. January 2017 was hard on some of us survivors.
Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.
Working on it
Unbeknownst to me, apparently the Catholic church discourages scattering/separation of ashes. It came up because I was getting a tiny urn for Sweeties mom. I have no intention of holding onto the ashes. I am putting together a wake for Pittsburgh and will leave a bit of Sweetie there. A little more here in the yard and a bit at Jazzfest. A little at the festival and a little for the topiary in the courtyard of the place we always stayed.
First trip is up to Pittsburgh. I am still working on the life celebration.
On deck is road trip to NOLA and catch up with the krewe. I am thinking leisurely pace, Asheville, Nashville, Memphis, then New Orleans. I have a room to myself, in New Orleans, but have been recruiting another gooner for the second bed, and half the tab.
I am still kicking around a summer road trip. I want to peer off the edge of The Grand Canyon.
The free association brain tricks are vexing. Tuesday, I picked up music machines from hospice, thanked the staff, had lunch with Thing2 and hit the gym. I got home after dark and remembered the trash cans needed to go to the curb. It was a clear early evening with a waning moon and a single bright star (probably a planet) beside the moon. I felt Sweeties presence and just knew the cosmos were talking to me.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
If you go to the Grand Canyon,
message me - I live in New Mexico and can offer a nights stay on your journey, or at least a cup of coffee.
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
FU to the Church. Do as you wish.
Ithaca is an ez drive from PIT. Consider. I should be here. I can turn on the heat in a room with Queen bed. Made up.
Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.
Same here, Tim.
We're in Southern AZ and although it's unlikely that we would drive all the way up to meet you at the South Rim, we might be able to meet-up somewhere depending on your route.
We wanted decent healthcare, a living wage and free college.
The Democrats gave us Biden and war instead.
"It's the end of a life but not the end of a relationship"
It's a line from the movie "I Never Sang for my Father:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0065872/
I'm sorry Tim, that your wife is gone but at the same time I know that she will always be with you.
To thine own self be true.
That was Venus, shining
more brightly than at any other time of the year. How fitting for you and Sue.
Good morning, Tim~~~
I hope you are in peace. You endured the hardship of watching your sweetie pass through this difficult time with grace and love. No regrets, only fond memories. The first year will be the toughest, it always is. So, give it life by speaking of it for you will heal with every word.
Thank you for allowing us to be on this journey with you. I healed in many ways as I walked down this path with you. March will be 30 years that I lost my Tom, but I heal every day, still.
Have a beautiful day, folks!
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
Thank you
I have a good friend, who checked in every few days. Yesterday, he mentioned how much better I sounded, already. Toward the end of caregiving, I was just hanging on, burned out, fatigued and demoralized. Not having to watch Sue waste away is good.
Thing2 and I have been having lunch. She is helping me get a photo journal together for the memorial service. The other day, we were chatting about making the memorial service a mom roast. Telling stories and jokes about Sue, but we decided that not everyone would understand.
Our household was always a bit eccentric and boisterous. When Sue was able to eat, but needed fed, I had fed her some brownie, which turned into a great photo. I texted the photo to Thing2 and it ended up on Sue's go fund me page. While I was working on the photo journal, I googled Sweetie's name to see if there were digital images on the Internet and there was the picture.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Great photo, Tim.
She looks like she enjoyed that brownie! She is at peace now - her body not needing to keep going anymore.
Tom and I purchased a house and 8 acres - his dream. After he passed, I kept his ashed in the plastic bag, in the cardboard box in which I received them. When I met Raggedy Andy and we decided to marry, five years later, we scattered him on the back five acres - his favorite.
I'm going to make it to the JazzFest someday!
As I mentioned above - you are more than welcome to stay with me when you travel this summer. I can offer peace on a large back patio with a beautiful view.
Good wishes to you, my friend.
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
Do it
I am excited to go back to Jazzfest, both to run with the pack and because Stevie Wonder will be there!
I saw your invite and will keep it in mind. AZ & RL too.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Sweet release and peace for you both
We're not far from Chattanooga if you need a pace to stay on your journey to NO. We have friends that go to Jazz fest every year.
Here's a couple I sing at life celebrations...
[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emO5zNc9enU]
[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjRFhQmfWo8]
Peace my friend...
“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”
Tim O'Brien is
playing Jazzfest.
I have not plotted my route, but always wanted to stop by the delta and take in some of the music history. I am thinking of making my way to Memphis and spending a couple of days between Memphis and New Orleans.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Delta Blues Museum
I am sorry that your Sweetie is gone and try to imagine what you are experiencing. Be kind to yourself during this time. You mentioned touring the Mississippi Delta, between Memphis and New Orleans. If you get a chance, stop in Clarksdale, MS and tour the Delta Blues Museum. Mississippi has sometimes been described as the South's South and it's reflected in the Blues there.
http://www.deltabluesmuseum.org/
@karl pearson Clarksdale is
Clarksdale is definitely on the itinerary, along with Holly Springs, Oxford, Greenville and the intersection of 49/61.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
"The Little Easy"
I lived in Oxford, MS for 4 years and New Orleans for 3. There's a reason Oxford is called "The Little Easy." Enjoy your adventure.
Another thing
Your sage advise on what I should do with instruments that don't get played? I am hovering around 20 guitars and have some very nice ones that live in cases.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
peace, friend.
Nf
Ya got to be a Spirit, cain't be no Ghost. . .
Explain Bldg #7. . . still waiting. . .
If you’ve ever wondered whether you would have complied in 1930’s Germany,
Now you know. . .
sign at protest march
Let's us gather by the River
For sweetie, Jeff (mine), Eliza Jane (mother). You can add.
Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.
Well
When I was calling around, I found out about some other people. Then, I was using the Internet to try to locate my hometown buddies and found out about their parents. I have not tracked any of them down and would not be surprised if they are not all up and about.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Condolences Tim....
She was so lucky to have you. No one could have made her journey easier or more loving.
I agree with RL. Fuck the church and do what you want. This is personal and should be what you and Sweetie want it to be.
My husband and I are going to follow in my FIL's footsteps. $999 and the MI Cremation Society picked up his body and returned the remains in a cardboard box. Containers were available, but... His two sons scattered his ashes at his cottage in northern Michigan where his heart was. No funeral, memorial service, casket or other last attempts to guilt and/or separate people from their money. It was my FIL's request, and it is now ours. I'd rather my family take the money and go on a trip on me. As it turns out, this was also the most sincere death, burial and memorial I ever participated in. He died early in AM. We called the rest of his kids and grandkids. Those that could came to our house to say a final goodbye and have breakfast. Over breakfast, we shared his passing and our memories. I am positive this is exactly what my FIL had in mind when he said no funeral, no fuss, no nada.
Don't mean to be mean, but I always marvel at the GoFundMe accounts to bury someone. If you're too poor to afford a funeral, then the family can and should make better use of the money. Sorry if this offends anyone.
peace to you and sweetie
"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."--Napoleon
DK
I followed your advice and got with The Cremation Society of Carolinas. I am hosting the local memorial without an ordained official.
My daughter set up the go fund me, when Sue first got sick. My daughter is all Facebookey and stuff. Considering Sue was sick for 2.5 years and I didn't work, I only accrued ~$20K of debt, which will be settled shortly.
I am doing things my way. In obits and announcements, "private service".
I am throwing a Life Celebration at The Church. All family and friends, including cyber, are welcome.
See you in Da Funkin' Church, March 4.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Good for you.
I have no problem with GoFundMe accounts to help families get through hard times, but I want the family to benefit - not a funeral home. (Can you tell I'm not much for religion or traditions?) I gave my parents a traditional funeral. It is what they would have wanted. My FIL's "last wish" was the first time I saw someone's death handled in such a personal and meaningful way. A few years later, I had a cousin who also said no funeral and had a party instead.
I am so glad you are going to make Sweetie's passing as meaningful and personal as her life was to you. You will both be in my thoughts and my heart.
"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."--Napoleon
Sorry my brother...
you did what you promised to do when you and Sue wed. You are a giant.
Now ride, and live.
Thanks
I did it because, I said I would.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Don't forget your axe...
the strings are the highway your heart and soul.
Heh
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Peace to you, and good tunes.
The church, as had been said, can go pound sand.
Time for many new beginnings, painful though that might be. Be well!
Yes and No
I am throwing a celebration at The Church. I followed DK's advise on Cremation Society. I would rather get up with friends, long lost friends, sort of friends and the like to celebrate Sue. I am making my Jazzfest buds bring their wives and kids. Well really, everybody. I want kids, especially adolescents and 20 somethings, to see it done this way.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Peace and love to you NCTim
I know what you're going through. My mother passed quite recently.
As a caregiver like you, there was a sense of relief at the end.
One thing you will probably feel is a chaos for a disruption in the routine. You won't have to 'be here' and 'do that' and 'go there'. It becomes unsettling.
You will still do things like try to check on her and catching yourself. That seems to be the hardest for me.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Know that she is at peace.
I want a Pony!
I hear her in the night
... sometimes it feels like she is here, sometimes nothing.
When I first left her at hospice, I came home, was logging into C99 and thought to myself, I should brush my teeth, wash my face and get ready for bed. I looked at the clock and it was only 8:36 PM. I would have been getting Sweetie ready for bed and had not sat down for the evening, by 8:36 PM, since 2014.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
So sorry for your loss Tim.
Thank you for opening up your and Sweetie's lives to us, I hope we helped in some small way by being here. Rest in peace to your Sweetie.
Of course you did
Fridays were cathartic. Being with Sweetie and not having regular conversations was probably the toughest part. I would hold up the FedEx guy and mail lady, just for someone to talk to.
I should get more topical and feisty in the coming months. Are you ready?
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
I'm ready brother.
Be right beside ya.
My condolences to you, NCTim
your strength and love to your wife was so encouraging, as well as heartbreaking to read. Thank you for sharing this long tough journey here with us. I am so happy to see you plan the celebration of life for your wife. It reminds me about what my family in law told me about how they celebrated the death of my MIL. It was a large gathering with many kids and family and friends and lots and lots of music and singing and laughter. Singing and laughter to make forget the loneliness left in the ones who live on.
All I know is that I want my ashes to be buried in my son's garden and if he has no garden, I would like him to throw my ashes in the Pacific and I want him and his friends play the guitars and banjos. A smooth floating away. I am looking forward to it.
Onwards for you and your kids. Enjoy the rides ahead of you. Sweety is listening to your tunes for as long as you play them, for sure.
https://www.euronews.com/live
mimi, you made me cry. Not just leak tears as many do
after such news. Riley's cremains remain in a box on the table. Spring, I know where they should go. His toeless-by-one footprint will remain. All of Jeff was given. I can no longer say where. Even to his children, now adults. Riley was the witness, now gone, too.
Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.
Plus
Food and beer.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
(redacted) wrong thread - I am sorry /nt
https://www.euronews.com/live
Sending our condolences to you
and your children, Tim. I say 'our,' because your journey with your beloved Sue has touched more lives than you may ever know. For instance, when Mr M called yesterday (he's out-of-town), after I mentioned that I planned to post a blurb at EB about university tuition discounts for seniors, he asked, 'By the way, have you heard any more about Tim's wife?' Of course, Mr M has never posted a font here, and only knows you and her through me--yet, even he has been touched by your poignant and loving postings.
We also don't have plans to hold a formal funeral service--by traditional standards. And, for many years, I ruled out being cremated. But, recently, I decided that I would prefer it, because I want my ashes to be placed at various locations which are dear to me.
Your plans sound wonderful. Hope that eventually we'll see more of you at EB.
Here's one of my favorite quotes--one that gives me comfort when I lose a loved one,
Sending much strength and peace to you, your children, and Sue's extended family. May your healing and renewal be swift, Tim.
Mollie
Everyone thinks they have the best dog, and none of them are wrong.
As the dust settles
I will be back to the EBs, and generally a pain in the ass. I am hoping to start yoga and biking, play more guitar and join the resistance. Rev. Barber could use some help.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Thinking of you Tim.
I hope you find some peace after such a grueling epoch. My uncle did the same thing you did, and it was amazing to watch him become such a caregiver (he wasn't known in such way).
Looking forward to hearing about your trip (do you ride, motorcycles I mean?). One of the best things I've ever done was to ride a motorcycle from my parents in N. Florida back home to NYC, stopping off in all sorts of cool places along the way and taking in such great scenes off the beaten path (loved W. Virginia in particular). New Orleans is going to be good for you, man. Need to get back there myself.
Glad to hear about your decision to celebrate Sweetie's life, rather than the morose Catholic/Christian wake/funeral scene I've been around all my life. Such a drag they are. Said uncle was such a colorful character who I believe wanted to be cremated, but his Born-Again Christian brother (my father) overruled it. I'm still pissed. His wake was in the same place I'd been to for other similarly morose treadmill occasions, with a horrifyingly painful inoffensive vanilla soundtrack piped in and bleak, grandmotherly condo decor. What an incongruous way to say goodbye to someone who's not that. I don't see how we as a society, especially as the R&R generation comes into this time of life, can't do better to honor our lives and lifestyle with a more fitting ending.
My condolences to your children and family, Tim.
"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:
THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC"
- Kurt Vonnegut
1982 R65
When I lived in Pittsburgh, a half dozen of us would do a four day WV ride every Columbus Day weekend. It typically included a night on Spruce Knob.
I am anticipating seeing people that I have not seen in 20 or more years. Old roomates, college friends, ...
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Sounds good Tim.
Reacquainting with old friends can be good for the soul, for sure. Hope you'll get out on the road with the moto and visit some.
Sounds like a cool trip you used to take; West Virginia is enchanting.
Once I get mine back on the road, and can get a reprieve from the kid duty for a stretch, could really use a long ride somewhere. Must get to Skyline Drive again...that was a stunning ride.
"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:
THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC"
- Kurt Vonnegut
I find the Soul Stirrers comforting
They've got songs about reaching the shore and being carried across...very beautiful stuff. This one speaks of the wonder of life.
Yes indeed
I put together a mix for the memorial. The Cremation Society had some king of Liberace light stuff. I've done a first pass and a sift to lighten up on the gospel/spirituals and roll in stuff that reminds me of good times with Sweetie, but still fits the occasion.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
For you and Sue
[video:https://youtu.be/m4eAmt8m6Xk?list=PLU1oyo2Y2xgI7CA3pEpt7LrHdsCcdmY73]
[video:https://youtu.be/L7xz8xc_eCE]
Celebrate and travel well, Tim.
Thanks JB
Heh, Ry Cooder is playing a Stratocaster. He usually whips out something obscure.
Of course First Kiss is Free is in the memorial mix, plus:
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
Of course it is.
I would love to listen to the memorial mix, if you feel like posting it sometime down the track. It sounds like you will be making many tracks down the road, fulfilling your many passions. Cheers, Tim.
My deepest sympathies to your and your family today
I know how much you miss your beloved Sweetie. Your love for her showed in every post you made here. Your and Sweetie taught us so much about a truly deep and abiding love, even in the worst of times. You both taught me a lot about living and dying, and I am endebted to you and Sweetie for that gift. This is not something that is easily shared with mostly strangers on the internet, but your courage and generosity is something I know that I will never forget. Keep the wonderful memories of your love close to you. It is something that death can never take away.
Now, I hope you can find some time for yourself. This is exactly what Sweetie would have wanted for you. Bless you, Tim.
Do I hear the sound of guillotines being constructed?
“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." ~ President John F. Kennedy
She couldn't verbalize it
But I am certain she wanted me to get out and carry on, so I must oblige.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche -
I knew this would be the essay that announced Sweetie's
passing.
Peace to you and your loved ones.
Like Sweetie, who found hers.
Celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music...
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." ---- William Casey, CIA Director, 1981
my condolences, tim...
for you and your family. thank you for sharing a part of your journey with us here. your kindness, generosity and commitment have been an inspiration to me and a lot of other folks here. i hope that fun and adventure find you quickly.
Sweetie has gone beyond the stars finally free of pain.
A sad hello to my soul fine music friend.
The above statement actually comes from a translated piece of verse from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, 4th Movement. The maestro figured if something called God existed, it was way beyond the stars and human understanding. I agree with that. I am glad that you are going to NOLA, and other music spots on your way back home to Pittsburgh. Are you stopping at Muscle Shoals? Can't wait to see your diary and pics!!! Rec'd!!
Inner and Outer Space: the Final Frontiers.