What It Is
[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFCkwti0JyA]
—I remember being so unbelievably mortified that my 4 year old was trapped like that and then I would look around at all the children and babies and I just felt a nauseous fear in my gut, a panic I wish to never feel again. And as for the firefighters, they were the bravest hero’s in all the hero’s that day in my opinion. They were just as trapped as us with little communication going through during the worst parts and they still kept us all safe, together and strong for each other. I remember one fireman saying we were on our own but we were in it together now and it was up to us to stay together, help each other and try to stay alive. And it took hours, right up until that wall of flames was at our feet, to get only 5 fire trucks up to us to try and save that many people while everything around us went up in flames, they even ran out of water rather quickly but that’s when they made the decision we had to go now or never. God bless those brave men
—what really stuck in my mind while reading a report on the firefighters that were at the strip mall that day, was how afraid they were as well but couldn't show it because everyone was looking to them. That is true bravery!
—the fire got so close, only feet away on all sides of us, I had to keep Ethan and my gma and aunt ready for a last ditch effort to escape. When you hear officials saying goodbye messages to their families, you know. They were just as cut off, trapped and scared as we were and literally after I tell Justin the plan to run, which consisted of basically throwing my aunt over his shoulder cause she was not on board, but at that point I had realized we have no other choice, we were about to lose the car, which we only had still because i krpt defiantly moving it as the fire got closer and somehow got it up to the front with us and right after we decide to run they told us to run and somehow we survived a firestorm from beginning to end. It really is just so insane, it doesn’t feel real. Only that we had this whole life that vanished overnight and it only exists now in the pain of its absence
—It looks from the video you were trapped with a friend and my sister at Optimo. I'm glad that the firemen could save you guys. It hurts my heart you guys had to be stuck. That was my worse fear: getting stuck.
—I was there with you at the optimo, a day I’ll never forget.
—there is a FB group just for Optimo survivors. To connect and heal
—I had no idea. I think about all those people every day.
—I was also on that same escape route as you that day. My dad & I were separated by that Pepsi truck. For some reason this brought me a little comfort knowing there are others who understand what happened that tragic day. I’m still amazed & so grateful we all made it out alive.
—My husband, mother and I where trapped at the Optimo for 8 to 10 hours and this will forever be in our memories.
—You must have been trapped in the Optimo parking lot with myself, husband, golden and two cats. ( I see us in your video )
—My house at 2:46
—2:37 you can see grandmas
—my husband almost didnt make it back up here from chico...thank Goddess a fireman let him past the Optimo so he could come get me. When he got up into magalia, he grabbed me our pets and our 90 yr old neighbor. We left the ridge via skyway to hwy32 then down to chico... None of us will ever be the same.
—It must have been earlier on because we could not go up or down, the fire had surrounded us on all sides. Thank goodness your husband was quick thinking and sprung into action. You’re own personal hero for sure
—he was my hero the day i married him, 15 yrs ago.
—It is so incredibly tragic how many lives were lost but so many more could have been lost, would have, had we not stuck together and helped each other. People living on the corner started handing out water bottles and we were able to drench pillow cases to put over our sons mouth, a total life saver! We also had our dog so we were able to give her water. I lost service early on, I was on the phone with my mom and the last thing I told her was about the Pepsi truck, what they were planning, that we left too late and I was so sorry, then I lost the call and could not communicate anything to my loved ones almost 7 hours before I saw some people using their phones again and a sweet precious woman let me use her cell to call my parents. It was only then I found out my grandma and aunt were huddled in that parking lot as well. You’d think I’d have seen them but when your mind is completely focused on how to save your child it’s hard to be observant of familiar faces. It seems like a no brainer to let someone use your cell but it is so very difficult to disconnect with your loved ones through something like that so someone else can call theirs. So truly thankful for her kind heart!!! It was that instant bond of being in it together, not just as a community, but as human beings that I feel, along with the efforts of our brave police and firefighters, that we were able to survive a firestorm so aggressive and fast moving.
—My son was pretty panicked for the first couple hours, but that’s when I was most visibly panicked as well, I realized I had to be as calm as possible for him. They had just told my fiancé they were emptying out that Pepsi truck to try and use as a shield and surround us with the bottles in hopes they would explode and douse the flames enough since it was so fast moving. I remember that moment more clearly than any other moment throughout that day. I felt like my knees were buckling from the sheer panic and all I could think was I have to save my child, I will not let him burn, I was prepared to go to any extremes to save my child. I kept running from the parking lot to my car to move it forward, it would have absolutely burned had I just left it where it was. For the most part I kept my mind on how to save my kid and coming up with different exit strategies and plans to protect him but there were moments, and I apologize if this is a bit too dark, I would think what can I do if we absolutely can’t get out to at least spare him any suffering. Those thoughts and emotions will haunt me forever.
—I had to get my son into weekly trauma counseling because he was clearly traumatized. We could not leave him or even walk out the door without him thinking we wouldn’t come home. His birthday was 5 days after the fire. My 5 year old talks about death like it’s something he’s been exposed to his whole life.
—I am working on getting us into therapy but have to establish as patient first. get EMDR it works!
—Luckily we were already established through feather river so I was able to get him into the psychiatrist I now see as well. As for emotionally, some days are better than others but I’m still a mess. And physically I am also falling apart. I am beyond sleep deprived, averaging 2-3 hours a night since the fire. Long term stress, sleep deprivation cause our immune systems to take a hard hit. My skin has been turning a yellowish tint and my eyes have yellow in them so I had to make a doctors appointment for next week as I know that is a sign of liver problems. It’s taking its toll on all of us
—We are not ok but will be. I am falling apart physically. Like my skin and hair are just rejecting my body.
—I just made appointment s for us to get a Dr we are out till end of Feb and early March then few weeks more to get to mental health. IDK what to do. Suffer and hang on. But my kids can't they want to stay home it is to much for them with out therapy. They only knew Paradise schools.
—Have you called Orland children’s center? I was told early on they were the go to for all medical problems including primary care, dental and psychiatric for all children affected by the fire. I will look into other options to see if I can find anything so your children can get the help they so desperately need and deserve without months of waiting! Are you referring to the 5 free sessions for ptsd using electronic waves? I was planning on calling to schedule when one of my best friends gave me a card and she did the treatments and said they helped so much but I have to admit I have lagged on this one, guilty of not taking care of myself
—I was okish until my kids went back to school finally my trama is thinking I couldn't get to them. My PTSD is all around fear of making the wrong move and getting trapped. I'm sorry you had to go thru what was.my.biggest fear. If.you ever want to pm me and chat I am here.
—I think having as much support and connection with the only people you know that understand. I realized early on that people just could not fully understand the tragic events that unfolded that day and the aftermath of something so deadly as this new “normal” If you ever want to talk please reach out as well! We must support each other through this difficult time. There are many who think we’ve magically just moved on like there is a time limit on grief. This was something that has no doubt permanently changed who we are to the core of our souls but we can heal in many ways and heal together. Hang in there, I feel what you feel. I understand what you are going through and you are not alone!
—I agree we are going through this and our lives changed and will never be the same. No one understands unless they were there.
—No we can’t even imagine my sister brother and niece and and nephew and their in laws all went through it. Just devastating all of my family got out. But lost 5 homes 10 adults and 4 children
—Trauma is like cement, we do not have a tool to scrape it off us. Don’t let it dry on you, but it is so heavy wet and new. Talk here we will be glad to listen.
—Someone told me I go threw survivors built bc all I did was cry, and I moved away just weeks before the fire, due to bad health. I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't really know anyone or have a car so I don't know how I would have gotten out. I walk with a walker n can't even run. I thought about you a lot during that time. I'm so glad you guys are safe, but very sorry you had to go threw this hell.
—As last week of this month since early this morning but it don't work and I'm not going to so got to get my family back
—Please never delete this. I watch it soo much.
—I don't know you. I shared your video. I am glad that you shared it. I cried. I watched and I cried. We experienced NOTHING like this evacuating. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE. I am a mess..."moving on". I can not imaging your pain just living every day with those images burned into your mind. I don't know you. I love you. I wish we could all wake up from this nightmare.
Comments
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How horrifying and terribly sad to see the devastation and loss of so many homes and people's lives. I can not begin to imagine going through that experience. How do you pick up after that?
I hope that you are doing as well as you can be after living through the fire and loss.
I cried too... still am.
Which AIPAC/MIC/pharma/bank bought politician are you going to vote for? Don’t be surprised when nothing changes.
“ … to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones … “
In Blackwater Woods
Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
–Mary Oliver (American Primitive, 1983)
A journey's sorrow...
paved with shattered dreams.
One can't imagine the unimaginable,
until it's set upon you.
May a path of hope give guidance,
to spirit and beauty renewed.
We are here if you need us, friend.
I have associations with your description
of feeling stuck and wanting to move on to save your child. I feel it would be inadequate just to try to express them. I don't have the power of words like you have, hecate.
May you and your son be given the healing power of a memory that is fogged and fading away. My sister, who is 76 years old now, still remembers (or she remembers what my mother remembered) when she sat in the bunkers in Berlin during wwII after a firebomb destroyed their home. "Mom, it makes boom boom again". There is still something left in her as her uncalled anxieties for unexpected noises demonstrate themselves to me today.
May God help you to forget.
none
of those words are my words. They're the words of other fire people. I'm just passing them along.
It grieves me deeply
to see the devastation of the place you call home. The survivor's stories were heartbreaking. The images, haunting. So much courage and so much humanity.
Be well, Hecate. It was good hearing from you.
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it. ~ Minnie Aumonier
hecate,
May the vibrations of our hearts find and keep you, family, and community in loving care and peace.
Thank you for the first person report.
I am so sorry for all that you and others suffered and are suffering. It's unimaginable for those of us who have not lived through it with our offspring and spouses or lived through something very similar I am glad so much bravery was shown and so many did survive. Please be well.
So very powerful
To read the story of the Paradise fire as told by survivors who, like yourself, did not know if they were going make it out of there alive is extremely powerful. Their courage and determination in the face of overwhelming odds was amazing. By banding together and helping one another, their humanity shown through. In these times of our dog eat dog world and man's gross inhumanity to others, their compassion and humanity toward each other is what stood out to me. Even small acts of heroism, like that of the Pepsi truck driver, reassured me that people still have a basic goodness within them.
Thank you for posting this very powerful essay and the video with the amazing song that accompanied it. I cried watching it. I hope you are faring as well as can be and are putting your own life back together.
Do I hear the sound of guillotines being constructed?
“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." ~ President John F. Kennedy
Dude,
Ya got to be a Spirit, cain't be no Ghost. . .
Explain Bldg #7. . . still waiting. . .
If you’ve ever wondered whether you would have complied in 1930’s Germany,
Now you know. . .
sign at protest march
So glad you're still with us...
...helping us to see deeper into this tragedy. Hope you and your community are healing.
Wishing you the best!
“Until justice rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream.”
Thanks for sharing your ordeal
Glad you are still with us. Deepest sympathies. Shared pain. Greatest spirit expressed in community effort. Combined fight for life.
Dearest Hecate ~~~
As tears roll down from my eyes, I can only imagine the horror experienced by all of you. The quote about trauma being like cement in spot on. Been there.
EMDR is an amazing, healing therapy. Seek it out and encourage others to seek it out, too.
My healing thoughts to you and yours, Hecate. Sending love your way.
Edited
"The “jumpers” reminded us that one day we will all face only one choice and that is how we will die, not how we will live." Chris Hedges on 9/11
Trauma like cement . . . Don't let it dry on you . . .
Haunting.
And the story of the person who has a walker and can't run, but moved away before the fire. I have respiratory issues, and when the fires were burning, I wondered about people like me. How on earth did they do it?
Hecat, when you're up to it, I'd love to hear the backstory of the Pepsi truck. I'm so grateful you and your pack survived hell on earth. Thank you for sharing the moving story through the words, and images of fellow survivors. Sending positive vibes your way, and theirs.
i
wasn't there. But this is what I understand. About the Pepsi truck. There were people trapped in the far north of town. Fire on all sides. This was still early. In the morning. A few firefighters and law-enforcement officers there herded the people, about 150 of them, into a large parking lot; fire has a tough time with concrete, asphalt. They parked their fire vehicles, and other vehicles, including the Pepsi truck, around the people, as a shield. Then they unloaded the bottles from the truck, and put them around the people, in hopes the fire, when it came, would explode the bottles, and the contents would douse the fire. That's how desperate they were. After hours, and hours, and hours, a few fire trucks made their way up there. It was decided the position was unsustainable, and they would try leading the people south, all the way through town, all of which was burning, or had burned. That's what you see in the images from the car, in the video. That was not yet 5 p.m., then. And the whole town was gone. The fire destroyed the whole town in less than 12 hours. None of us will ever recover. That's just the way it is.
God!
Thank you. I'm so sorry, is all I can say. I'm so very sorry.
i'm
in a tube right now with a woman who had a nice place down the road here. Burned. Entering month three doubled up at her sister's house. She's looking at a waiting list for an apartment, six months to six years; or near her son in Idaho, away from all other family and friends; or maybe a place higher up in the trees, where she can sit around and PTSD about the next fire. Chico housing market is out of the question, because it's two towns now, Chico and also Paradise, and people owning houses there are blinded by dollars, because they didn't burn, and won't feel what that's like. That's what it's like here, all day, every day, and all into the night, every night. Meanwhile in another tube some lawyer is hounding me for briefs. Like I want to do that. Or even can. I mean, who gives a shit?
I'm so sorry.
I wish there were more empathy in the world.
I wish there weren't waiting lists for trauma counseling.
I wish none of you had to experience any of this, ever.
I saw tent city
At least a snapshot of it, or one of them. Then came the rains, and mudslides. I have no answers, only sadness, except for the greedy ones. For them, I have anger and disgust. Little good it does.
Is the lawyer an ambulance chaser, or does he/she represent your insurance company, or something else entirely?
they're
criminal-defense lawyers. They're good people. I'm just not there anymore.
Ah
Okay.
Do you need anything? Even something considered a silly creature comfort that you miss or can't get a hold of? From certain books to a certain brand of dog food or treat or anything in between? Maybe something from childhood like a particular sweet treat or something? What are you having difficulty getting your hands on?
i’m
good. Town is open, people can come and go; deliveries have resumed: mail, UPS, Bezos, etc.
Okay, then
I'm absolutely not a hugger, but I sure wish I could send you one. Please keep coming back here. You are sorely missed!
I had to look up that song
I'm not an Ed Sheeran fan, so I didn't recognize it.
Absolutely haunting, and heartbreakingly appropriate for this tragedy you lived through, Hecate. My heart goes out to you and everyone who suffered. May those who lost their lives be at peace, and those who lost their loved ones and all they held dear, find it again.
Thanks for sharing this with us. It's good to see you. Be well. We will not forget.
"I See Fire"
Oh, misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin's sons
If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night
Calling out father oh
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
And if we should die tonight
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time
Calling out father oh
Prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky
Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
And I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me
Oh, should my people fall
Then surely I'll do the same
Confined in mountain halls
We got too close to the flame
Calling out father oh
Hold fast and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky
Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me
And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns
Then my brothers will die
And as the sky is falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out
Now I see fire
Inside the mountains
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
I see fire (oh you know I saw a city burning out) (fire)
And I see fire (feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)
And I see fire (uh-uh-uh-uh) (fire)
And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side
When
Hell entered Paradise—as unimaginable as that. Our fears for your lives were nothing to the horror you experienced. We thought all were lost and felt joy for those who survived, but you have shown that survival is grim. I hope tiny bits of beauty and joy surprise you all in the days to come. There is so much sorrow.
"The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now do you begin to understand me?" ~Orwell, "1984"
Reminder of the fragigility of lifestyles we are
experiencing at this moment and the strength of the human spirit to simply survive. Once the adrenaline rush is over the hard lift of rebuilding a new life begins. I am so thankful you did not take a direct hit from the fire.
Still yourself, deep water can absorb many disturbances with minimal reaction.
--When the opening appears release yourself.
Thank you for posting this. nt
dfarrah
Hoping for the best for everyone...
"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."--Napoleon