our clothes and our bed sheets and lingers in our nostrils like the stinking storm drains of Georgia after a Clinton tour bus parked there. And why shouldn't it carry the same stench of wretched refuse? Same shit different location...ahhh, the Clinton movement. It wasn't merely Clinton fouling up the air with words that sounded pretty yet turned into farts the moment the listener stopped paying attention. Trump was also there fouling up the air with words that did not sound pretty yet never pretended to be anything other than farts in the first place. It was at that point I said a silent prayer of thanks that our culture has not yet mastered smell-o-vision.

The moderator [who not a lot of people realize was an upperclassman at the Howard Cosell School of Nasal Modulation] introduced the candidates with less than enthusiastic applause. Play it back. You will realize my assessment was more than gracious.

Topic: Supreme Court Nomination pick. [this sounds like some sports or game show thing]. If you win this round you get to choose which one has the deciding vote for our most contested issues. Was Survivor on tonight? Did someone find hidden immunity?

One of the top arguments we ALT-Voters hear is "...because the Supreme Court..." First off, that's not a complete sentence and second off, after responding to the first-off neither candidate made any commitment to who the second-off would be. Clinton promised to appoint a pro-women, pro-lgbt, anti citizens united. blah blah [hello public hillary, you're the one we expected to show up. Any chance the private Hillary might show? Yeah, I didn't think so. See the real you tomorrow -Chelsea] Trump said. I have twenty. I haven't decided, but I have lots of choices. [Isn't that what a losing poker player says as a bluff?] Note: anything in square brackets has not been fact checked and should be considered for entertainment purposes only, you know...the same scrutiny you apply to Trump's policies.

At this point Trump started lulling me into a dream like state with his moderate and low energy vocal tone. I was expecting an 'unshackled' Trump. Maybe Trump is like the hulk. You have to make him angry first. Alphalop suggested it might be drug induced. I am inclined to agree. I think the moment the drugs started losing power was when he said Hillary wants us to allow a woman to "take the baby and rip the baby out of the womb...on the final day."

Clinton called him on his disgusting use of scare rhetoric. And, when it come to scare rhetoric...she's an expert.

It's almost as if both campaign managers have a random scandal generator which uses the comments from Breitbart and Daily Kos as it's sole input and neither manager can resist clicking on the 'create new' button. It's this type of management strategy which brought us Cheetos Chicken Fries and the Whopperito. But! it's Vegas Baby!!!!!! It's time to 'raise the stakes' and 'double down'. It's time for the candidates to focus on "playing their cards right" and "playing the hand they're dealt'. And whether Trump has an 'ace in the hole' or Clinton will 'hit the jackpot' it's clear we Americans won't be going big but instead relegated to going home.

Topic Climate Change: [crickets chirping]

Topic Immigration:
Trump's answer is so out of character. He's has a convincing sound of empathy. But it's still nothing more than a veiled xenophobic dog whistle.

But then Hillary went full coffee house open mike night Godwin. She described a plan that would required "a lot of police going around" and asking people questions and eventually "putting people on trains." I admit I was riveted at this point. It was as if Stephen Spielberg had written this passage specifically for this moment. She delivered it well but her eye movement betrayed that she was reading from index cards. Yes, no matter how much money she spends to [hire Hollywood writers] she will always have that tell.

At this point I think the drugs wore off. [Trump must have such a high tolerance at this point.] Duhn Duhn Duh....THE UNSHACKLED TRUMP. He said some grunt. Sorry. I was unable to translate.

Clinton responded that the Russian government is engaged in spying on Americans, hacking websites, etc. and then gives it to Wikileaks. She asks will Trump admit to and condemn these acts of the Russians?

Hillary is not being interrupted during this entire time.

Moderator - Topic Immigration: "This could end up getting out of control."

I have to go into shorthand at this point because the lobs and volleys are going at lighting speed. The only two things I can compare this to is the Hindenberg Disaster and WWF Championship Match. Ohhhh...the humanity.

Clinton: Admit it...you're a puppet.

Trump: I'm not a puppet. You're the puppet. [translation: I'm rubber you're glue...aka the Pee Wee Defense] "Putin has outsmarted her at every turn"

Moderator: not answering the question.

Trump: Yes, I condemn the interference of Putin. But Putin has outsmarted her.

Moderator: Too far off the immigration question.

Clinton comes to the rescue by reminding all of us who we elect will hold the nuclear arsenal key. Fear Fear Fear!!!

Topic Experience:

Trump: Clinton has political experience. But, not political success. [Clinton retorted that he is the classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. Donald has a lot of business experience but not any of it was 'success' either. Yay! said Clinton. "We're both abject failures.]

WHAT ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE???? [crickets gasping for oxygen]

And then it happened. Clinton pointed out religions that push gays off buildings. That's when I knew that this essay was done. I've vented. I've used comedy as a homeopathic form of medicine. But, there is another essay that needs to be written so I'll wrap this one up.

Climate change? Seriously? Anyone? Not even crickets at this point because they died during the hottest Summer ever. Which is what we call each new Summer.

My Summary:
Clinton looks good in beige. It matches her morals. Nancy Reagan looked good in Houndstooth. Same difference.

Trump: Obamacare will die under it's own weight. Wrong...Americans will die under their own weight. and it's because just like the Whopperito, it smells like freedom but still feels like death.

That being said I have two questions.
1) Should the Whopperito and the Cheetos Chicken Fries come with a free defibrillator?
2) Is there an equivalent defibrillator for the heart of America?

Tonight on the season finale of the Apprentice the power now switches to you the voter. You have a chance to vote one of these two deplorables into the presidency. Your decision is important and should in no way be influenced by any of the other candidate also running for this post who will inexplicably be blamed by the candidate who loses for their loss.