It has been Known since the 1956 publication of the true-life non-fiction tome The Door Into Summer that Leonardo Da Vinci was a time traveler.

Therein we learn that he was born in the 20th Century as Leonard Vincent, and was employed as a drafting and architecture instructor at the University of Colorado at Boulder. There he became a willing subject of a colleague’s classified time-travel program, which propelled him some 500 years into the past. This was a primitive time machine, one that could only thrust people, places, and things into the past, or future, but not bring them back. And so Leonard Vincent permanently settled into the 15th Century, as Leonardo Da Vinci.

The reason Da Vinci then spent so much time and effort designing machines and other devices that would not come to fruition for hundreds of years is because he was earnestly attempting to accelerate development of Real Things he had known and experienced when Leonard Vincent in the 20th Century.

All of this is now common knowledge.

What is less well known, I guess maybe because I haven’t told anyone until now, is that Da Vinci’s contemporary and competitor, Michelangelo Buonarroti, was/is also a time traveler.

I figured this would become blazingly obvious to everyone when the enemies of the people recently published an article on the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s show of 133 Michelangelo drawings, an article accompanied by a large reproduction of Michelangelo’s portrait of Australian thespian Cate Blanchett. (That portrait is also featured here, up above there.) I thought the humans would ask: how could the 15th Century Michelangelo, draw the 21st Century Cate Blanchett? And then arrive at the proper answer: because Michelangelo was/is a time traveler.

But, apparently the humans are not getting it. So, I am here to help.

That Michelangelo was/is a time traveler explains many mysteries of his career. For instance, many of the humans wonder(ed), both in the 15th Century and now, why it would require eons for him to complete projects, and why some were never completed at all. And the answer is: because he was/is distracted by the time traveling.

See, unlike Leonardo’s time-traveling, which was a one-way ticket, permanently marooning Leonard Vincent in the 15th Century, Michelangelo was/is able to move freely about time, traveling hither and yon, and then return to his “real” 15th Century time.

This also explains the famous jealousy Da Vinci manifested towards Michelangelo, which has otherwise mystified the humans. Da Vinci perpetrated many Meannesses on Michelangelo, and nobody really knows why. Like, Da Vinci, though his own penis was fully active, at all times, and all over Italy, would publicly criticize Michelangelo, for putting penises on the statues.

In early 1504, there was a meeting to view his nearly completed statue of David and to decide where in the city it would stand. All the important artists in town were present, but Leonardo alone objected to the figure’s exposed nudity, and pronounced the need for “decent ornament.” A tiny sketch he made on the spot shows the statue with its offending member neatly hidden by a bronze leaf. It’s hard to believe that the man whose notebooks contain a section, “On the Penis,” in which he argues against “covering and concealing something that deserves to be adorned and displayed with ceremony” was truly offended by what he saw. Yet his objections prevailed. The genitals of the marble colossus were covered, and stayed that way for some forty years.

Now it can be understood, what this was about. Da Vinci was having a pout-lip, that Michelangelo could move around in the time, while Da Vinci was stuck. Also, a grump that Michelangelo had more and better penises, in the art, than did he.

Now, some might say: how do we know that it is Michelangelo who is the time traveler? Maybe Cate Blanchett, she is the time traveler.

That’s reasonable: Cate Blanchett may very well be a time traveler. I don’t know. But we know for sure Michelangelo is one, because the Metropolitan show also features Michelangelo’s sketch of the 21st Century comedian Kathy Griffin (reproduced there to the left). Michelangelo was/is very much taken by Griffin’s performance art piece in which she sawed the head off The Hairball. Michelangelo is now considering adding something similar to his fresco upon the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Featuring the head of Pope Julius II, though, rather than The Hairball. That Julius who is always on Michelangelo to “make an end” to his scribblings on the Sistine ceiling.

Michelangelo is also designing the cenotaph for The Hairball. A cenotaph is required, because The Hairball will not be buried on earth. This is because Bezos is going to shoot him into space.

I personally know that Michelangelo is a time traveler because I met him once at Moishe’s Pippic, a legendary crossroads of time/space continuums. There, he vouchsafed to me the secret of his time travel. He accomplishes it through music. Specifically, a tune that has been around for hundreds of years, but which was never recorded until very recently, late in the previous millennium, for the film Oscar And Lucinda. A film that features Cate Blanchett. Because everything is connected.

I pass that music, now, unto you. Try it. It works.

Really.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lQbRzwKDck]