[Open Thread] Humor for These Dank Times

While there is often snippets of humor to be found in comments and in some essays, we all too often get bogged down in the day-to-day pouring out of the many problems facing our nation and the world. Most people can only take just so much bad to horrifying news before just throwing their hands up in the air and saying, "Fuck it!"

A Reader's Digest section in days of old (I do not know if the section is still there) was labeled "Laughter is the Best Medicine." There is actually scientific data to back this up. See the article Stress relief from laughter? It's no joke from the Mayo Clinic.

This is the only political joke in this essay. It is included to help people make a smooth transition from pursuing the latest political news to the venue of humor for health. It comes from the comment section of an article on Clinton's honesty and was posted by a person called Lambchopstix:

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth," he says
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"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?” Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will
continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi? ”Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? ”Third -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go
off 20 minutes early?" And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"

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Now that politics has been taken care of, clear you mind, take a couple of deep breaths and enjoy the following. These all come from one person who creates 3D models and posts them as freebies at ShareCG. His portfolio can be found here rather than listing each page that contain his product descriptions.

Tall grass.jpg

Product description:

October is National Lawn Shark Awareness Month, so to remind people of the dangers found in tall grass (velocirators, pythons, giant southeast asian nipple crickets, politicians and lawn sharks), I present some more grass…

Before all the hippy folk get too excited, its just regular grass… of the non-smokable variety…

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From the product description for Very Large Facility Set:

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bake oven.jpg

Product description:

What did every little girl in 1962 want for Christmas? The Really-Bakes Oven of course! Back before the days of cooking by the heat of a lightbulb- propane ruled! Safe and highly explosive propane! This recreation of Hanz Killar's popular childhood toy comes with many working features and absolutely no guarantee of safety! Working features include Guillotine-like sliding oven door that refuses to come down until little fingers are between it and the steel edges and working box top flaps- so the box can be used as a toy too!

Other features include four pans of various shapes, one Li'l Lizzy Borden stabbing knife made of genuine Spartacus Steel, one Really-Hurts Burn Kit, one box of Cake-Like Mix, a full canister of propane and four random oven color choices!

Moulded in highly durable and flammable Molotov-O-Lite plastic, the Really-Bakes oven will delight children with it sizzling warmth and happy glow! Not recommended for indoor use, but implied it is safe enough for it, the Really-Bakes oven carries a ULI (Underhanded Lawyers International) approval with absolutely no safety features to get in the way of FUN! Relive the fun and pain of those halcyon days of your youth and teach your little girl the value of caution at the same time!This Retro toy is produced using the original tooling made by the Hanz Killar Toy and Munitions Werke GmbH from 1962 to 1979, when it was sold to SiliCorDyne's Toys and Pesticides division.

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From product description for RaLF-M171 Reanimated Life Form-Storage Unit:

How many times have you heard your friends complain "My zombies rotted!!"? Well, they will never hear that from you... because you know your zombie will be as fresh as the day it died! SilCorDyne Storage solutions presents the RaLF-M171 Reanimated Life Form Storage Unit.

Now with as much as 15% longer storage time than the M168. The M171 leaves the competition cold and surpasses industry standards by 50%! Stronger welds, longer life Nickel Uranium Hydride batteries, bright LED display and superior MAG-LOC technology keeps the lid on tight! So Durable, it is the only Zombie Pod that carries the approval of DED-EX international for shipping your Zombies anywhere in the world. So keep em' fresh and keep em' longer with the RaLF M171 the only choice in RELIABLE zombie storage!

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Roadkill.jpg

Product description:

SilcorDyne Food Groups presents its latest culinary delight... PortlyMan ROADKILL CLASSICS. This Old fashioned favorite is even better than Grandma used to make... and it now contains up to 10% less Mad Possum Syndrome than other leading possum based foods! YEEEEHA! Scape some up taday and git a taste of the road!!

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Product description for Raunchy Roach Motel:

Official Redlight/SilCorDyne press release:

Presenting the Raunchy Roach Motel- Redlight's latest innovation in pest control. After years of studying the questionable habits of humans with less than sound judgement, Redlight has translated that information into the Raunchy Roach Motel, Which when used with its other products such as- Cricket Crack House®, Spider Trailer Park® and Waterbug Liquor Store® will encourage pests to live an unhealthy and debaucherous lifestyle which can lead to their eventual destruction.

High quality printing techniques create a product that will fit in with any decor. Both functional and beautiful, it is sure to be conversation piece at your next party, dinner or bridal shower.

Makes a great gift and children love it too!

Raunchy Roach Motel and the entire Delinquent® series are now safer than ever! No more worrying about dangerous explosions like in our older Mouse Meth Lab® models. All units in the series are printed on NoSplode™ a new explosion resistant paper that is so safe, that starting in 2014 The US Army will only use NoSplode™ toilet paper in combat zones! And what Giant Mega Corporation would ever put our brave and dedicated troops in harm's way?

Maybe the other guys, but not SliCorDyne!

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There are a lot more, but it is time to begin the transition back.

For that, the following should do it:

Storage.jpg

A portable specimen case for all your off-world, inter-dimensional and mutant collecting excursions... it also keeps milk fresh up to two weeks longer than traditional refrigeration!

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Be safe out there (and laugh!):

zombie-b-gone.jpg

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Note: Admittedly, my humor can be a bit strange at times, but I hope you found something here to enjoy. Please add you own.

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riverlover's picture

review at Amazon, complete with pix. As you have shown, I want a memorable negative review. Still composing, plus refilling suet feeders to demonstrate squirrel predation. 5 at a time. Dog still not word-trained.

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Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.

WindDancer13's picture

across much faster and effectively than trying to explain things logically.

I had bought an electronic item from Amazon some time back and played with the idea of posting a picture of when the item breaks after three months it would make a nice pot for African Violets. Never got around to it though. Good luck with you piece.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

detroitmechworks's picture

Over the last year, I've been appreciating a lot of SFM (Source Film Maker) videos, mainly because they are the closest thing to old style cartoons that exist any more.

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

WindDancer13's picture

That is so funny. I really enjoy animated shorts. Here is one of my favorites:

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

elenacarlena's picture

Hillary joke. What can I say, I'm obsessed.

If you add "Open Thread" to your tags, it will appear on the right at the top under "Open Thread," for one day.

Humor, huh? I have quite a collection of humorous photos. Here's one I haven't found a place for yet:

Dog is able to learn words.jpg

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Please check out Pet Vet Help, consider joining us to help pets, and follow me @ElenaCarlena on Twitter! Thank you.

WindDancer13's picture

in the essay, but then I ran into the Hillary one and just could not pass it up.

Lol, love the picture. In my 60s, I am heading for this:

Astonishingly, three-toed sloths, which are more specialized to their environment, expend as little as 460 kilojoules of energy a day, the equivalent of burning a mere 110 calories -- roughly the same number of calories in a baked potato.

It is the lowest measured energetic output for any mammal.

Does the tag need the quotation marks to designate it as an Open Thread or just the words? And thank you! I had no idea how to do that.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

elenacarlena's picture

Quick! Get out of the way!

No quotation marks needed, just commas to separate your tags, so:

Humor, Health, Open Thread

or

Humor Health, Open Thread

if you want "humor health" as one tag.

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Please check out Pet Vet Help, consider joining us to help pets, and follow me @ElenaCarlena on Twitter! Thank you.

OLinda's picture

It looked like you might not make it back here, so I gave a shot on the answer. Looks like I was typing as you posted.

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- - - -
If you don't like the Mafia, why don't you join it and change it from the inside?

elenacarlena's picture

They are kind of addictive. You just keep thinking, "Any second now, it's going to make its move!"

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WindDancer13's picture

before the sloth got across the lawn. That looks like me on a good day. = )

Thanks for the tag info!

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

OLinda's picture

I think no quotes just Open Thread. Separate from other tags with a comma. I'm pretty sure. Try it and see what happens. Smile I don't think you can break anything.

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- - - -
If you don't like the Mafia, why don't you join it and change it from the inside?

WindDancer13's picture

My youngest daughter used to say she would not go to the store with me any more becasue I could walk down the middle of the aisle and have things jump off the shelves. I once broke a game I was playing and got the message that I had done something totally unexpected.

However, the tag change seems to have worked. Thanks!

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

Daenerys's picture

Lol

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This shit is bananas.

Not Henry Kissinger's picture

Cos_J1yWcAAAGyp.jpg

MAD-Magazine-DNC-Logo_57978627a6ef29.38761123.jpg

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The current working assumption appears to be that our Shroedinger's Cat system is still alive. But what if we all suspect it's not, and the real problem is we just can't bring ourselves to open the box?

WindDancer13's picture

should ever be directed at the Clintons. Wonder what Jake is wearing.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

edg's picture

Sister Angeline is leading a class discussion on which part of the body ascends to Heaven first. Little Johnny is bouncing up and down in his seat with his hand in the air. Sister knows better than to call on him because you never know what's gonna pop out. But none of the other kids have an answer, so she reluctantly calls on him.

"The first part to go to Heaven is the feet, Sister Angelina," says Little Johnny.

"The feet?" she responds, puzzled. "Why do you think that?"

"Well, last Saturday night I was walking past my parent's room. Daddy was on top of Mommy and she had her feet in the air and was screaming 'Oh, God, I'm coming! Oh, God, I'm coming!'"

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WindDancer13's picture

That is funny. Poor Sister Angeline cannot wait to get her transfer papers approved.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

edg's picture

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Alphalop's picture

completely unbelievable. Wink

Here is a couple funny Atheist memes.

Reality cookies.jpg

going to hell.jpg

Batchrist_0.jpg

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"I used to vote Republican & Democrat, I also used to shit my pants. Eventually I got smart enough to stop doing both things." -Me

WindDancer13's picture

I particularly like the second one as it was my mother's favorite threat to me (that I was going to hell) when I was growing up. Oops.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

Alphalop's picture

Here is another one.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.

So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

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"I used to vote Republican & Democrat, I also used to shit my pants. Eventually I got smart enough to stop doing both things." -Me

WindDancer13's picture

Hopefully, for Little Johnny, his teacher grades his homework on the curve as I am sure other parents may not have provided such a good example.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

janis b's picture

In my twenties (in the seventies), I read Norman Cousins Anatomy of an Illness. I gave this book to our family doctor to read. He was a wonderfully skilled and compassionate doctor, who none-the-less rejected my prompt to consider an alternative way of perceiving illness. I guess that at the time a serious illness like cancer was no laughing matter. My long time hospice work has taught me otherwise. Not that cancer, or serious illnesses are a laughing matter, but that laughing is seriously beneficial.

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WindDancer13's picture

Give the doctor a copy of any of Terry Pratchett's books, and call him in the morning. He will soon figure out what you are saying. = )

Interesting video. Thanks!

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

Daenerys's picture

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtrTvY1Pvb_ZC_9aAey1qJQ
I often amuse myself by making funny/stupid video game videos. Usually set to music, but not always. I did a series of Skyrim Jackass; here's a couple of my favorites:

Another channel I enjoy is Jack Septic-eye; he does the let's-play type videos and is hilarious: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYzPXprvl5Y-Sf0g4vX-m6g
My favorite is probably this one in his Happy Wheels series; I laughed so hard I cried: (Don't watch if you don't like blood/gore type games and a lot of swearing though!)

The first one is really funny too because he has no idea what was going to happen, and neither did I until I watched it and now I love playing it:

(You can play Happy Wheels online for free btw!)

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This shit is bananas.

WindDancer13's picture

However, Skyrim is more my kind of game then the ones he shows.

I don't do well in those games that require things, like, uh...coordination. = ) My son, many years ago, drug me through all the levels of Mario. He was not really polite about critiquing my style of game play. LOL. For most games, I get physically involved, and I have a panic response that tends to get me killed a LOT.

But, hey, I keep plugging away at them. I have managed to finish quite a number of games (mostly stuff like Doom and Duke Nukem), but it is all for fun, right?

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

Daenerys's picture

My parents refused to buy me a gaming system. Sometimes I would play Super mario bros at friends' houses, and played Super Smash Bros and Mario Kart on Game Cube at my friends' dorms. Now I play on PC and I have a Steam account.

The music in Skyrim is really good to. I just love everything about Skyrim; it's a beautiful game. And there's the amusing glitch where you're walking around and suddenly a mammoth falls out of the sky and dies. Lol

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This shit is bananas.

WindDancer13's picture

Then again, neither did PCs. LOL

I have Steam and Origin accounts. I have Skyrim loaded on my gaming/graphics computer along with some of the earlier episodes (Morrowind, etc.) but I have not got around to playing them yet. Of all the ones that I have bought, the only one that I have played so far is Dragon Age. Mostly, I haven't played them becasue I spend most of my time playing Lord of the Rings Online which I have been playing for five years now.

It is a healthy aggression...Saving the world and all that. = )

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

Daenerys's picture

until it went away a few years ago. I miss that game all the time. Sad

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This shit is bananas.

Alphalop's picture

I have been having a bit of fun with it between Eve sessions. Smile

Very similar in operation to the Skyrim games and it has some pretty cool "open world" play-style.

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"I used to vote Republican & Democrat, I also used to shit my pants. Eventually I got smart enough to stop doing both things." -Me

detroitmechworks's picture

It's nowhere near as good as Fallout: New Vegas or Wasteland 2.

Of course, I admit I like my games a bit more old-school, but the customization and plot was better in both, IMHO.

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Alphalop's picture

Fallout 4 had some differences in it that I didn't care for at first (Such as the change to VATS) but the graphics and amount of gameplay with all the expansions have been pretty sweet.

I still have WasteLand 1 and 2 but I bought the digital versions from GOG.com because they have the dosbox emulation built into it so they run properly on Windows.

That site is an awesome place for old school gamers.

I have also been playing Evil Genius and Theme Hospital quite a bit lately too, I love the campiness of it.

(Edited to fix broken embed)

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"I used to vote Republican & Democrat, I also used to shit my pants. Eventually I got smart enough to stop doing both things." -Me

detroitmechworks's picture

The Sixties feel is hilarious. And I've been on Gog for years now, because it was the only place I could get the Jagged Alliance series.

I still love Steam though, because the speed is good. Customer service is Meh, but if you're at all technically inclined it's a great source.

I try not to buy NEW new games for a while, until all the patches/expansions are out, because usually the game is far better after the beta testing is done. Smile

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Alphalop's picture

and usually wait for the GOTY edition to come out anymore.

Game developers have gotten pretty lame about releasing partly finished games or reducing content in original release to drive sales of add-on products later.

I just picked up the GOTY edition for Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor on Steam yesterday on sale for $9.99 including all the DLC. Quite a steal. Smile

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"I used to vote Republican & Democrat, I also used to shit my pants. Eventually I got smart enough to stop doing both things." -Me

WindDancer13's picture

of the non-online games I have installed on my computer now before I look at more ways to avoid what I am supposed to be doing. = )

Skyrim is installed along with Morrowind and Oblivion, but I haven't actually played them yet. I am about midway through the first Dragon Age, and currently plan to complete the second one before starting a new game which will probably be Witcher. Although, I also occasionally play a little bit of some real oldies, Dungeon Siege and Doom along with DA, I spend most of my time playing Lord of the Rings Online. It is possible to play Lotro entirely as free to play as you can earn points through questing and deeds to "buy" new regions that you want.

However, I will check Fallout out for the future.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

detroitmechworks's picture

in Dungeon Siege. (He was the composer...) Also did the music for Morrowind, Oblivion and Skyrim, so you know he's quality.

Sorry, but this theme is just... brilliant as far as getting the EPIC feel across.

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

WindDancer13's picture

playing the other three yet, that is a good thing to know. Now I know I have something to look forward to other than endless dying. = )

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass

WaveyDavey's picture

One says to the other, "I don't get it. We both are attractive men but you always attract the ladies more than I do. Why is that?"

The other says, "I have a little secret. Before I get to the beach I put a potato in my swimsuit."

A week goes by. The same two guys at the beach. The first one says, "I still don't get it. I tried your secret and I still don't get any attention from the ladies."

The other guy replies, "Next time try putting the potato down the FRONT of your swimsuit."

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The people, united, will never be defeated.

WindDancer13's picture

Given the "brilliance" of the second guy, the next day he will need to be told to stick to one potato not a five pound bag.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--Aristotle
If there is no struggle there is no progress.--Frederick Douglass