In Bridge of Ashes, Roger Zelazny, he posits that evolution on this planet, it has been produced and directed by extraterrestrials, who have deliberately nudged human beings into developing a technological culture that will inevitably render the earth unfit for human habitation. But will, and thereby, produce conditions that are just perfect, for these extraterrestrials. Who will then move in and comfortably settle down. Just as the last of the humans, they flip, flap, flop, through their last gasps.

So. There's a cheery thought.

Some different-one Science Men, they are meanwhile totally Blaming a planet they have never seen, and only about five minutes ago think they discovered, for rudely shoving towards the earth the comet that crashed and killed off all the dinosaurs.

They are claiming this "Planet X," it is the size of Neptune, it is bulging with gas, it orbits the sun every 15,000 years or so, and every now and then it has a tantrum while passing through the Kuiper Belt, and so hurls comets towards the earth.

One of the claimants for this alleged rude and abusive new planet is CalTech's Mike Brown, a proud and avowed member of the satanic cabal that in 2006 stripped Pluto of its planetary status. Brown, he is an unrepentant murderer, who authored a book titled How I Killed Pluto, and who today says "killing Pluto was fun." He and his fellow demented dung-beetles, they demoted Pluto because the solar system, it had begun thoroughly confusing them, and they were afeared that, if they didn't off Pluto as a planet, they would then have to elevate numerous other celestial orbs to planetary status . . . and who knows where that might end?

Basically, they don't know what is a planet. But are too proud and cowardly to admit it. Even as evidence regularly arrives proving Pluto should be a planet, these dim-bulb anti-Pluto satanists continue their Strangling of Science. And now, they are babbling about this invisible gas bulge out there vomiting comets. In order to Distract us. Well, it's not going to Work.

Some other Science Men, they found a 305-million-year-old spider, but they then decided that it didn't get to be a spider, because although it had a spider mouth, and eight spider legs, it didn't have "spinnerets."

"It's not quite a spider," sneered Russell Garwood of the University of Manchester. A man who has never been a spider. And so what would he know about it?

You know, if somebody wants to be a spider, let 'em be a spider. Jeebus.

All these tight-arsed namers and classifiers, they ought to take a lesson from the life of Carolus Linneaus. The guy who set out to name and classify everything. Who once snooted: "The first step of science is to know one thing from another. This knowledge consists in their specific distinctions; but in order that it may be fixed and permanent distinct names must be given to different things and those names must be recorded and remembered."

Here's what happened to him:

By naming and by knowing the names of things he proposed to see into the secret cabinet of God. Travelers from Madeira, Virginia, from all over the world, risked dangers in vast forests, on high cliffs, in the deepest chasms to send him packets of seeds. He cataloged American falcons, parrots, pheasants, guinea fowl, American capercaillie, Indian hens, swans, ducks, geese, gulls, snipe, American crossbills, sparrows, and turtledoves. He classifed creation according to sexual organs; he gave each creature two names, a general and a specific name.

He wrote that riches vanish and stately mansions fall into decay, that even the most prolific families die out sooner or later, and that the mightiest of states are overthrown, but that all of nature must be obliterated before the genera of plants and "he be forgotten who held the torch aloft in botany." But as he grew older, he suffered a stroke, and after this he began to lose more and more of his memory.

Gradually he no longer knew Systema Naturae, and after all this, in his last years, he forgot even his own name.

As long as we're roaming around the animal kingdom, let's look at the most recent evidence to emerge that the lizard people, they are all connected, and all over the world. And that is that Wendi Deng, ex-wife of Rupert Murdoch, she is now bouncing the bedsprings, with Vladimir Putin.

While Murdoch, meanwhile, has married Jerry Hall, ex-wife of skeletal rock stick Mick Jagger.

Lizard people. Gonna do. What they gonna do.

There are two million people living in Slovenia. I do not know how many are lizard people. I do know that Slovenian actor and comedian Klemen Slakonja, he is not a lizard person. Slakonja has, however, recently lampooned lizard-prince Putin, in a parody video titled Putin, Putout. That has been viewed by four million people. Or twice as many humans as live in Slakonja's Slovenia.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-wFKNy0MZQ]

Slakonja, he plans next to take on the lizardly Angela Merkel. As well as the thoroughly lizard-brained ("me good"/"you bad") defect-being known as The Hairball.

And yes, it is now time for this week's Proof of why The Hairball is the most titanically stupid person to seek the presidency since the mind-numbingly dumb Beauregard Claghorn.

This week's Proof, was it when The Hairball joined his fellow yahoo-yippity simpleton Ron Paul, in decreeing that not only should abortion providers be thrown into the jail, but so also should the women who undergo the procedure? No.

Was it when he refused to rule out ordering Major Kong to fly over to Europe and there drop some nuke bombs? No.

Was it when he declared that his recently arrested campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, was not only not a criminal, but in truth an actual hero, as Lewandowski had moved to ward off a totally crazed wild-woman who was preparing to stab The Hairball with a pen, like Joe Pesci in Casino? No.

No, it was when he demonstrated that he hasn't the slightest clue as to what it is that a justice on the United States Supreme Court actually does.

Asked what sort of person he would appoint to the nation's high court, The Hairball, he responded: "I would probably appoint people that would look very seriously at [The Mad Bomber's] email disaster because it's a criminal activity, and I would appoint people that would look very seriously at that."

Of course, maybe when he is the president, The Hairball, he plans to unilaterally decree a new job description for members of the Supreme Court. Just as he announced this week that, when he is the president, he will personally expel from the United States all those states where, in the Republican primaries and caucuses, voters cast the most ballots for someone other than him.

"This country is broke; we just can't afford to do everything anymore; and one thing we absolutely can't afford anymore, is all these states," The Hairball said in a phone interview with Good Morning America. "The states that didn't vote for me, they showed then that they didn't want to be part of the United States. And so I am throwing them out."

The Hairball noted that, just as Mexico will pay for the wall that he shall erect on the nation's southern border, so too will the states pay for being expelled. "I will charge them the total amount of the national debt," he explained. "That way, not only do we get rid of these states that don't want to be here, but we also start off with a clean fiscal slate, for the country, and for the states that are good."

Hairball senior aide Horst Wessel conceded that "it does seem that the Civil War settled the question of whether states could secede," but pointed out that "the question of whether states can be expelled, this has never been definitively addressed."

"I have my lawyers—the best—on this, and they say there is absolutely no problem," The Hairball said.

Wessel confirmed that, thus far, the states (and other territories) to be expelled include Iowa, Alaska, Minnesota, Texas, Kansas, Maine, Idaho, Puerto Rico, Washington DC, Ohio, Utah, Wyoming, and Oklahoma.

"None of these places will be missed," Wessel said. "You can't even see them from New York."

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbrnXl2gO_k]

The Mad Bomber, this week she was asked, by a dingleberry, "why is it so bad to be close to Wall Street?"

To which she replied: "I never can really tell what [The Cranky Brooklyn Deli Man's] talking about. It's just one of these sort of attacks that he pulls out all the time."

That's right, Bomber. Wall Street. Snuggle up close. Nothing wrong with that place. At all.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wM6exo00T5I]

Yesterday was April Fools' Day, with which arrived some fun stuff.

Esurance, it is now offering "election insurance," for any Americans who might want to leave the country, after the people have finished making the president. A company called Prysm is selling a television that comes in an aerosol can. OpenTable, it will allow restaurant-goers to preview meals by licking their phones. Quilted Northern is now selling "artisanal toilet paper" that is made from tree bark. And Kars4Kids will provide a gently-used child, to anyone who donates a used car.

I myself am appreciative of the marketing agency Cramer, which has invented an "augmented reality" device to help nervous public-speakers see the audience as cats. Though I am not at all likely to go for the Verizon OccuCam, which connects a person's eyeballs directly into their social media accounts. Or take advantage of Krispy Kreme's 3D doughnut printing technology. And I will definitely be avoiding the "Crave Copters," by which White Castle shall be delivering hamburgers by drone. I may, however, check out Cornhub, formerly Pornhub, which offers such explicit videos as "Full Cobs Totally Peeled," "First Time Kernel Popping," and "Hard Shucking Like You've Never Seen!"

The BBC, ever at the cutting edge, is opening a VHS store. Kellogg's has debuted Frosted Flakes-flavored milk. eHarmony, the dating website, it has expanded into animal matches. St. Petersburg's Hermitage has trained cats to perform restoration work, and a feline crew is, as we speak, on its way to Palmyra. Under the new Murdoch regime, National Geographic, it will no longer publish photographs of nude animals. And Google Fiber has perfected a teleportation device. And so away I go.

In China, the government, it was having a prune-face, about April Fools' Day. State media agency Xinhua glowered that "April Fools' Day is not in keeping with our national cultural tradition or socialist core values. Please do not believe, create or spread rumors."

It seems that Chinese state media, it has something of a pout-lip, because it has routinely been taken in by April Fools' Day pranks.

In 2012, People's Daily reported that Kim Jong-un had been named "Sexiest Man Alive," citing The Onion. The party mouthpiece ran a full 55-page photo spread showing off the Pyongyang-bred heartthrob's "devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm and his strong, sturdy frame," before realizing that they had been had.

In 2013, CCTV ran a report that Virgin was about to begin a glass-bottomed plane service, citing CEO Richard Branson's April 1st announcement.

That same year, the business daily 21st Century Herald was tricked into reporting that Paul Krugman had gone broke.

I think maybe my favorite is this one, below, in which Google is offering a headset for "actual reality."

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkOuShXpoKc]

Because it reminds me that, today, when everyone, at all times, is mesmerized by some sort of screen, from the wall-covering televisions, to whatever is happening on the phones, that they are so much more disconnected, from what is truly Real, than even back in 1974, when William Burroughs observed this:

The ability to "see what is in front of us" is an ability which very few people have, and fewer and fewer as time passes. For one thing, because of the absolute barrage of images to which we are subjected so that we become blunted. Remember that a hundred years ago there were relatively few images, and people living in a more simplified environment, a farm environment, encounter very few images, and they see those quite clearly. But if you're absolutely bombarded with images from passing trucks and cars and televisions and newspapers, you become blunted, and this makes a permanent haze in front of your eyes, you can't see anything.

A farmer really sees his cows, he really sees what's in front of him quite clearly, it isn't a question of familiarity, it's a question of something being between you and the image, so that you can't see it. And as I say, this continual barrage of images makes haze over everything, like walking around in smog, we don't see anything.

Burroughs also, then, observed this:

Well, it's completely outmoded, the Aristotelian "either-or"—something is either this or that—is one of the great errors of Western thinking, because it's no longer true at all. That sort of thinking does not even correspond to what we now know about the physical universe.

There are certain formulas, word-locks, which will lock up a whole civilization for a thousand years. Now another thing is Aristotle's is of identity: this is a chair. Now, whatever it may be, it's not a chair, it's not the word chair, it's not the label chair. The idea that the label is the thing leads to all sorts of verbal arguments, when you're dealing with labels, and think you're dealing with objects. Labels are not the things they stand for; when you're arguing about labels, when you're talking about things like democracy, communism, and fascism, that have no clear-cut reference, no clear-cut thing to which they refer, you're not talking about anything.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dlN55SoF4Q]