Today, the Democrats who are making the president, they will caucus in Nevada. Next Saturday, they will have a primary in South Carolina.

Today, the Republicans who are making the president, they will have a primary in South Carolina. Tuesday, they will caucus in Nevada.

See! The parties, they are totally different!

The people of The Mad Bomber are continuing to insist that hundreds of thousands of brown Nevadans are now white. This is because such a magical melanin transformation is their only explanation for why the Cranky Brooklyn Deli Man is expected in that state to today receive many votes.

The Bomber herself has taken to barking like a dog, as she moves through Nevada. Many people believe this is a sign that her brain is gone, and soon she will be over. These things are true; however, the dog-barking also has another meaning. For the Bomber people plan to flood the caucus sites with packs of rampaging dogs, like the Bumpus hounds in the true-life documentary film A Christmas Story. In the chaos, the Bomber partisans will change the votes, so it looks like the Nevadans made the Bomber be the president, rather than the Deli Man.
[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPRdj1Ce4ao]
The Mad Bomber, she has a special affinity for dogs. Because they remind her of her husband, The Clenis. One of his nicknames, it is even "The Big Dog." Like a dog, The Clenis, he will hump anything that does or does not move, will drop everything to sniff out a new female, and, in quieter moments, will loudly and lovingly lick and suck his own genitals, and for hours on end.

The Hairball had for him what is a typical week. He experienced many Tourette's outbursts about "the liar" Zed Crud, the creepy, sinister vampire who is having the effrontery to try to take The Hairball's presidency. The Hairball announced that soon he will sue Crud, for both Ad Libel, and Canadian Borning. He also convened a press conference to denounce the pope as "pathetic," "a loser," "a Mexican," and "an old man in a dress." He instructed his jackbooted legions to boycott Apple until the company agrees to permit the government to sniff everyone's underpants. And he moved closer to his dream of executing Edward Snowden: The Hairball confirmed he had "made a deal" with Vladimir Putin, so that Snowden could be returned to the United States, there to be crucified on the White House lawn, on the day of The Hairball's inauguration as the president.

Most people think The Hairball will get the most Republican president-making votes today in South Carolina, but it is possible he will be surpassed there by Crud, because South Carolina is infested with even more evangelicals than is Iowa, where the Crud was recently triumphant. Evangelicals are a peculiar form of human who believe Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church, and who give to each other as gifts for Christmas tiny gold-plated fetus-feet pins they can wear on their lapels. Crud and his surrogates appeal to such people by stressing his intense connection with their Lord.

So, in recent days, Glenn "The Blackboard" Beck, an insane person who is allowed on the television, soberly intoned that the evangelical god had killed 18th-Century jurist Antonin Scalia so that people would know to vote for Crud. Last month this same Blackboard revealed that the "hand of divine providence" had been present at Crud's birth, sort of like the donkeys and chickens who attended the birth of Jesus. Crud campaign-chair Matt Schultz has confirmed that "Zed Crud is that man who God has prepared for this moment in time." And Crud's wife, Heidi, says her husband shows the world "the face of the God we serve." Since Crud's face always looks like it is melting, this is kind of creepy. One would think that a divine being could come up with some better face, than one that is melting.

Mondo Boobio is also expected to do well in South Carolina, given that state's proclivity for elevating to office closeted gay Republicans; Ashley Wilkes has represented the state in the United States Senate for the past 14 years.

Uncle Ben Carson, he will not be getting the votes, in South Carolina. But neither will he be lynched. So that's some progress, I guess.

The man who is currently the president, the Kenyan, this week bombed Libya, because a man there attacked a museum.

Okay.

I guess that means that next week he will bomb China, because a woman from there attacked an art gallery.

A woman pulled an X-Acto knife and stabbed another woman in the arms and neck, said Miami Beach police spokeswoman Det. Kathleen Prieto.

Both women were patrons of the art show, not exhibitors. Some patrons thought the stabbing was a performance art presentation. Others believed the police tape cordoning off an area of the convention center was part of an art installation.

The stabbing occurred in a corridor near an art installation entitled "The Swamp of Sagittarius," created by Miami artist Naomi Fisher and partner Agatha Wara.

Fisher said she was at her exhibit when she heard a scuffle and later saw a woman being wheeled away by paramedics at about 5:30 p.m.

"A guy walked up to me and said, 'I thought I saw a performance, and I thought it was fake blood, but it was real blood.'"

Art gallery representatives who witnessed the incident declined to give their names but said they saw a woman with what appeared to be a pen in her neck.

Gregg Hill, a sculptor visiting from New York, said he saw the victim being wheeled out on a gurney but never suspected she was the victim of a violent act.

"I thought a piece of art fell on her," he said. "I never would have thought there would be a stabbing at Art Basel. People didn't really know what had happened. It was calm and everyone was milling around and talking."

Bombs away.

[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcW_Ygs6hm0]

There is a sad thing about the Chinese nuke-bomb program. It is claimed that "China may be reversing its decades-old nuclear policy and putting its nuclear weapons on permanent high alert." Just like the United States and Russia.

Why are they doing this? Maybe they decided they needed to put on their big-boy pants. If so, bad move. Because real big-boy pants, is not having any bombs at all.

Sometimes when the airplane is awaiting refueling, airport officials become curious, because blood is dripping from the plane. So they Look, and they find a dead body inside, together with millions in South African rand.

This can especially happen when the plane is registered to Western Global Airlines, a company owned by James Neff, who formerly owned Southern Air, successor to Southern Air Transport, home to CIA flyboys who got up to many mischiefs in many nations over many years.

Fly the friendly skies.

Sometimes your house hums, but not everyone can hear it, and no one knows any reason why, about anything.

It was around November, Charlie Buchanan said, when his house started humming.

The sound is incessant, low-pitched and obnoxious, he said. The kind of hum that gets in the ears and under the skin. It’s driving him crazy, but even after 40 years as an electrician, Buchanan, 64, just cannot find the source.

"I can fix almost anything," he said at his house in Great Bridge. "But I can't fix this hum."

The mystery has confounded a wide range of people in the last few months. Buchanan can hear it, but his wife can't. Dominion Power has been out six times, but a spokeswoman said none of the workers can hear it, either. On a recent visit, a Pilot reporter and photographer both heard it—faint but steady, emanating from near a rear window in the corner of Buchanan's bedroom.

"You can hear it?" he said. "Whew!"

When the noise first started, he thought it might be from inflatable Christmas decorations across the street. But when he checked, they weren’t running. The holidays came and went, but the sound remained.

He asked on Facebook if anyone had any ideas on why his house might be humming. One reader wrote: "Because it doesn't know the tune."

He determined that the noise is not generated from the cable or propane gas running into his house, and it’s not from a busted pipe. Few appliances run 24 hours a day—for example, the pump in his well water system kicks on and off—but he hears the hum all the time.

A neighbor's hot tub was one of the first potential sources for the noise, but Buchanan eliminated it by asking them to turn theirs off.

He Googled theories like "magnetostriction" and "the harmonics of sound waves," and put a hand and an ear to nearby telephone poles to feel for vibrations. He wonders if the issue is a transformer somewhere.

"I've hugged 10 of them," he said of the poles, and found four that were definitely humming. He said he's pretty sure there’s no alien spaceship under the house[.]

Buchanan said he just wants it gone. He feels like the noise is driving him out of his house, but he's trying to maintain a sense of humor about the whole thing. He said he almost wore tinfoil on his head to answer the door for a reporter.

"May the hum not be with you," he said.

A flower has waited 15 million years for someone to say," My, aren't you pretty." Now, you can do that.

Sarah Silverman knows Philosophy, and she puts it out on her twit machine.

My stepdad was a philosophy professor & in class they'd ponder if cows had souls. I think it's 1 of 2 things:

1) The dif bet humans & animals is that humans have souls, OR, 2) the dif bet humans & animals is humans think they're the only ones w souls.

Menstrual pain, it is now Known, is "almost as bad as a heart attack."

So why isn't anyone researching it?

Because Science Men, are men.

Great skit from the Saturday Night Live people:
[video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ociMBfkDG1w]

Harper Lee has died. More than any person who ever held any political office, she induced white people to understand that black people are human beings, just like them, and that what happens to black people in the United States, how they are treated, how they are regarded, is wrong. Lee was Boo Radley, a person who could not live in this world, but who, when it mattered, came out, and did the right thing. The world is a poorer place, without her in it. For she would be there all night. And she would be there when Jem waked up in the morning.