President Putin:

I realize the odds of your seeing this post are remote. But I imagine there are people in Russian intelligence who comb the web for your name and at least glance at what opens up. So who knows?

I am writing to offer a modest proposal to end the escalating American rhetoric surrounding the (alleged?) Russian hacking of Democratic election information and its release in a manner designed to damage the campaign of Hillary Clinton. I realize claims by some Americans that Russia stole the US election in some sense raise Russia's global prestige. On the other hand it must be frustrating for your intelligence analysts to be made to appear so incompetent. And things seem to be getting out of hand, which is never good.

I suggest the following: Give President Clinton a call on Monday afternoon, US Eastern Standard Time. Tell him if the Democratic establishment has not agreed it's time to move beyond these charges by Friday afternoon you'll call a press conference to release portions of the actual information Russian intelligence has gathered on the activities of President Clinton, Secretary Clinton, their daughter and her husband, and the Clinton Foundation. You could give a few examples.

Then mention that the Moscow Kiwanas Club needs a speaker for its mid-January meeting. They are thinking of something in the $500K range, plus expenses. You might add that a number of informed people seem to feel that the Clinton Foundation is perfectly positioned to intervene to alleviate the suffering of ethnic Russians in eastern Ukraine. You appreciate fully that an operation of such magnitude would need to be adequately funded, an obligation which Russia will accept.

Two problems solved for what in international affairs is a very modest expense.

Oh, if you actually have taken over the US in a bloodless coup, providing single-payer health care would be widely considered to be a magnanimous gesture.

Sincerely,
FuturePassed