Main Stream Media Renews "Impeachment Courtroom" for New Season

To fellow writers,

We made it! Another season! Wow, I'm humbled folks. This was honestly one of the easiest writing jobs I've ever had, and I'm shocked that people are enjoying it as much as they are! I mean, we all know nobody wants to admit they watch this stuff, but that's how it is when you write for a soap opera.

So, with that in mind, I think it's about time we pull out a few of the old standbys. Most of the folks who remember these are dead, or have one foot in the grave, so we're on easy familiar ground here for the next years scripts.

First off, NO fucking Evil Twins. We're already straining credibility and belief with the secret love child leading to the reveal of an old betrayal, which tears the happy clan apart into warring factions!

So, with THAT in mind, and this is the level and quality of writing we can delve to without consequences. I would humbly suggest that Trump And the Dems... (Sounds like a good name for a Band, doesn't it? Note to self, use it for the "Edgy" counter-point side.) Trot out a few of these standbys.

1. Amnesia.

Worked for Reagan. We've already set it up over the last couple seasons. One quick blow to the head, and we can have a whole year dedicated to the "Is he Competent if he's amnesiac? Which means that he might be GOOD now..."

2. New Relative.

Again, great job setting it up the last few seasons. However, we need to have a major reveal, because this one was a perfect tension breaker. Nobody's expecting it now, so hopefully we can tie it back to the President, thus ensuring maximum interest.

3. Incest Plot.

Ok, now we're running into problems here. This one's standard, but unfortunately, we've been lowering the bar so far this is business as usual among the performers. Nobody's surprised by it. If we want everybody tuning out because they think this just proves that the show sucks, we go with this one. ON THE OTHER HAND... If we can prove a Melania/Barron connection... hmmm... send that one to random rumors distribution.

4. Disappearing Family.

Can't do this one again. Unfortunately, runs up right against an actual coverup, so... don't do this one. Like EVER. Again. Seriously, at least find a DECENT body next time you idiots decide that a suicide is the answer. I have to admit it was funny the first few times you did it, but I'm tired of the legwork required on these...

5. Back from the Dead

Hillary wants it, but I still think we need to hold off on this. Wouldn't McCain be a better choice? Better appeal, and has the advantage of not currently making any embarrassing statements.

6. Sex and Punishment

Again, we fucking JUST did it. I'm telling you people, stop cribbing from MY notes. But we have to stop having them RESIGN. There's a reason the court system is set up as it is, and unpleasant as it might be, we have to sacrifice one of our own from time to time. If we don't the viewers are less likely to actually participate in "American Democracy" and we need those fucking donations, people!

7. The Ruined Wedding

Best way we can do this one is to have it be one of our modern American Royals. I figure the faster we get somebody at the altar right now, the better. Make it big, make it showy, and then we pull the switch and reveal that secretly it was all a setup to give the bride away to Corporate America!!!!! (Yes, I know we've done this one a lot. I happen to like it, and the audience always believes it.)

8. Fights at the Funeral

Time to actually let em do this again. We gotta let off some of that energy. The dead are GOOD targets, because they can't fight back. Plus, nobody living gets hurt. Enough of this, "Respect for the Dead" shit. Hit em while they're down, and hit em hard. Make SURE they're dead. When people try to defend them, you know who needs to be written out next season. (We're transforming an industry here, people. You're with us or against us on this.)

9. Never Leave Home

Doing decent on this one. The secret of course, was just moving the sets so that no matter where you are, the place feels the same. So far we almost have the expected standard of living down to the point where Bollywood films are considered glamorous wealth and high standards of sophistication. Well done, and keep it up.

10. Reveal a secret.

Of course we're not going to do this one. Relax. We're not suicidal. The minute any of this gets out, we'll all hang together. I Suggest we replace this one with something from the Mexican Novellas. Thinking a Past-Life Excuse might go well, or something similar. Still has the "Secret" feel, but since it has ZERO consequences, we can use it without it costing the producers a dime. Tell Janice that she can use that plot if she wants, but I want to see MAJOR revisions before it crosses my desk. We need some GOOD actors to pull this one off.

Other than that, again, congratulations to everyone on a successful season, and MANY many more to come. People said the Soaps were dead, and I am here to tell you that they're gonna fucking live FOREVER!

With Warmest Regards,
Redacted

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Comments

‘why do I feel like I’ve been punched in the head. . . ?’

MAD Skills, bruddah, just fuckin’ Mad

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Ya got to be a Spirit, cain't be no Ghost. . .

Explain Bldg #7. . .

detroitmechworks's picture

@Tall Bald and Ugly While reading Alligator Ed's piece, and I thought... gotta do it.

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Lily O Lady's picture

watchable on broadcast TV. Maybe I’ll rewatch A Series of Unfortunate Events. It’s so cheerful compared with reality.

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"The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now do you begin to understand me?" ~Orwell, "1984"

detroitmechworks's picture

@Lily O Lady Pre-Star Wars British Fantasy/SF is fascinating, if you can find it. SO much workmanship in the models and designs, it's scary.

Course, I admit I tend to crib my humor from OLD stuff. Like Older than Feudalism Old, so... can't exactly say I'm the most creative person. Smile

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Alligator Ed's picture

Thank you number one: great essay. You have a mastery of cataloguing the basic plot outlines of sitcoms and soap operas--y novellas tambien.

Thank you number two: your courtesy in not posting this fine essay in my recent attempt at cultural critiquing. So many gems here. Don't be offended if I steal some of your material.

Question: where do you find your music? Some great and also weird shit--like the one at the end of this essay.

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detroitmechworks's picture

@Alligator Ed Course, I do have a slightly selfish motive of wanting it under my own banner here, but... you know, there can always be more than one reason to do something. Sometimes there's even a GOOD one in there. Smile

Thanks for the compliments, also. Always makes me happy. And feel free to steal as much as you like. IMHO, theft of ideas is only a problem if you think you won't have MORE of them.

I find my music by doing random searches for Remixes of themes, then following leads and artists until I find interesting things. Used to be big into video game remixes for a while...

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I do not pretend I know what I do not know.

Alligator Ed's picture

@detroitmechworks Not much into video games after Packman peaked. I use to like Daleks also. My thick fingers aren't nimble enough to play these new-fangled games.

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