Have we already seceded?
Dear Washington D.C.,
Are you ok? We haven't heard from you in a while.
You've been spending a lot of time over at Mainstream Media's house, and you frankly never call or text. Hell, you could just open a window and look out, but you seem to have installed security filters on those.
Look, I know you're really Gung Ho about this new WAR(tm) you want us all to buy into, but I need to ask you a serious question here.
Did we secede and you didn't tell us? Did that whole declaration that the orange monkey wasn't our president get taken seriously?
If so, GREAT! We'd like to talk about a few things, of course.
First off, we'd like our Military back. We don't send you that much, but we'd appreciate those 5,000 or so folks released back to us.
Second, Get off our TV. We'd like to see some homegrown Cascadian programming, and we're frankly sick of your lame American Reality shows. The one with the orange monkey is particularly annoying.
Third, Stop being an asshole to Russia. Ok, YOU don't have to, but please don't scream bloody murder when we start talking to them about peace. We have a lot of Russians here, and they're pretty nice people. Don't much care for the food, but working on it.
Fourth, No you can't have any more lumber. We're gonna be talking to the Native folks about how we can best work on the land around here in a sustainable long term manner, and you're gonna have to get it approved by them first.
And finally, yes, you can still visit. Just keep in mind that it isn't your house, and we don't do things your way.
Other than that... I guess we'll see you at the UN, and don't call us, we'll call you.