Faith, part 2.0

The first problem a rational thinker faces is that lots of people actually believe this stuff. Hard to believe, but true. It is even harder to accept when you consider the incredible gains in all sciences over the last few centuries, despite Christianity’s strong opposition. Even today, their concerted efforts threaten to prevent any science from going forward. Kansas, Alabama, North Carolina, Texas, Oklahoma, and many other states have a hard core of ALEC-based, anti-rational thinking assholes who aim on your kids' minds. Your acceptance of their version of reality is a perfect example of that “Faith” thing. The “true believers” (as they call themselves) spend a great deal of time deliberately replacing logic with their brand of Faith.

This cult’s road map or instruction manual is often called a “bible” or sometimes, their “good book”. It supposedly holds all the information an in-evolved ape-man will ever need to know in order to live his life in a good, christian way. Take the Duggar family, for example. Please, take them.

At this point, it might be fruitful to sample some of the actual writings contained in their book. It contains many unexpected twists and surprises.

According to their inerrant instruction manual, bats are birds, dolphins are fish and whales swallow seamen whole. Semen? Luckily, both the whales and seamen seem able to survive the experience. On occasion, their good book seems to be missing a few verses, even entire pages or chapters. There seem to be a lot of important details missing in action. As we go through these “facts”, let’s examine the most obvious problems that crop up throughout their good book.

First, let’s review exactly what little we know at this point. This JC character apparently was god’s son up in Heaven. Some 4,000 solar orbits after this god character spent almost a week of his precious time, and concocted his plan to drop JC off at Earth to get born again, Daddums decided that JC be hatched from a Virgin hominid he called Mary.

The first question should be obvious:

Who were JC’s original heavenly sperm and egg donors? Or, more precisely, who was his heavenly mommy?

Maybe after a few single malts, I can buy the argument that 2000 solar orbits ago, there actually existed a woman named Mary who spread her legs and shoved out a new bouncing baby boy unto this good Earth. (Let's call her the V. Mary, so as not to confuse her with his favorite hooker, the W. Mary)

After all, at that point in history, a whole bunch of hominids had already been birthed to women. According to this bible, they had been here for at least 4000 solar orbits before this son of a god made his unexpected appearance. In every case before JC's descent into V. Mary's virgin territory, and until the most recent times, every single birth on this planet had been the result of an egg and a sperm mixing it up and getting together. (Let us ignore the most recent cloning successes at this point)

I can even buy that this JC guy started a gang, consisting of a dozen scruffy, unemployed, unshaven guys and their hookers.

However, we still need to figure out what happened in heaven, long before JC was hatched on earth. Putting it bluntly, how, when, why, and where did JC first appear in Heaven, long before he crawled his way out of V. Mary’s belly? Because this concept is so fundamental to our understanding of heaven and earth, let’s take this again from the top, slowly.

Everyone with “Faith”, (especially those who claim that their bible consists only of absolute, inerrant fact), agrees that JC was sent off from heaven by G-daddy to save his favorite planet. Kind of like Superman, but without the cape. Therefore, JC had to exist before V. Mary copulated with Holy sperm so she could punch out the baby Jesus here on earth.

If he was a son of a god before arriving on Earth, as so many greedy preachers claim each Sunday morning, just who was JC’s heavenly mommy? Who gave birth to him up in heaven, some 4000 solar orbits before he was sent down to Earth to start his cult?

We know it was not the Holy Spirit, because that ghost was just that, a ghost. Besides, if the inerrant bible writers had even suspected that Spirit was female, fertile and an active sex partner of god, they probably would have mentioned it. The bible isn't exactly squeamish on lots of issues. It contains plenty of graphic examples of sex, incest, begetting and rape. It seems highly unlikely that they simply forgot to tell us that Holy Spirit was god’s sex partner, if that was the case. If Spirit played a big role in the whole creation process, we were bound to have heard about it.

It is only logical that if god was JC’s original, heavenly Sperm Donor, even he needed someone – a female - willing to service his almighty staff. It could not have been the V. Mary, because she had to maintain her virginity until JC was reborn on Earth 4,000 solar orbits later. (You’ll soon see why when you learn just how well god treats fallen virgins. Believe me, she did not want to go there.) Someone other than V. Mary had to straddle herself on top of god’s third leg.

So, why all the silence about the identity of JC’s heavenly mommy? Why don’t we ever hear about a Mrs. God? Just who was god’s sex partner? Did he have more than one?

Perhaps the Mormons were right after all. After all, in Genesis, Lamech and others had plenty of spouses, all with god’s blessing. Could it be that god was fooling around on the side and didn’t want the girl’s parents to find out? Was she too young? That would certainly explain why so many priests and preachers sexually abuse kids. They learned the practice from their god.

But what if G caught Mrs. G fooling around behind his back, instead? Whoa, stop the presses! Horror of horrors! There is another possibility. What if G acted like so many Christianist bible beating bastards on this flat earth? What if he ignored Mrs. G and instead, found himself a new heavenly sex partner with whom he could fool around? Either way, that could mean that JC was illegitimate. Saints preserve us, JC might actually be a heavenly bastard. Given some Christian cults push for early Christianist marriages among their innocent kids, that does make sense.

So, what does god have to hide? What if god wasn’t Jesus’ sperm donor, after all? Are there heavenly paternity tests, child support, lawsuits, that kind of thing? Do we need a sample of god’s sperm or Jesus’ DNA? According to today’s polls, the ability to find a lawyer in Heaven would be problematic, at best.

“Yo, Satan. You want to lend me a few family law specialists for a few days? It’s this paternity thing. I’ll trade you three angels, two saints and double sized happy hour drinks for a week.”

How about if Mrs. G’s birth control failed and JC was simply an unwanted mistake? I can only imagine god’s dilemma before he makes the call: “Hey, Old Doc Beelzebub, you still do, you know, those “special” D&Cs? I have a . . . on second thought, never mind. Those Earth apes would never forgive me.”

Funny how they skip those important details in bible class. But if JC really is a son of a god, you’d think they’d tell you at least something about his heavenly mommy.

There are other problems raised by JC’s existence. Once he made his escape from the V. Mary’s loins, the story of his childhood and formative teenage years contains a blank or two. Actually, decades of blank.

If a son of a god’s life was really so important, you’d think they would have kept better records. After all, this G dude is all seeing, all knowing, and omni-present.

So, what kind of teenager was JC? If we are supposed to follow his lead in all things, shouldn’t we have the whole story?

The question is not “What would Jesus do?” but “What did Jesus do?” Is JC trying to hide something about those years? The few facts you can glean from the approved gospels only raise more questions.

"It Is Written” that JC started out as a carpenter. Was he union or not? Did he work overtime or weekends? Did he work solo or on a team? Frankly, if G's son actually existed and was a woodworker, how come there is not one purported carpentry result that generations of Christianist fraud-mongering crooks have provided to prove his existence? Not even a heavenly rabbit joint.

The trades were notoriously tough to get into in Ye Olden days. In what village did he apprentice, and with whom? Did he actually build anything? What was his specialty? Did he do blessed bathroom doors, heavenly paneling, holy chairs and tables, or did he just make crosses for the Romans? And why carpentry? Why not blacksmithing, blessed lamb herding, olive tree farming or fishing?

Because little or nothing is written about Jesus actually doing any actual woodwork, some people suspect that this carpenter gig was just for show. No offense to carpenters, but have you ever heard of any carpenter becoming a popular gang leader with a bunch of whores hanging around?

It also makes you wonder how he survived without a real job. The bible is silent on his trading carpentry work for fish or wine. He had to earn money somehow. The question is how?

Hey, wait just a second. What about these hookers? The bible claims that they hanging around all the time. To hear christians tell it, after spending so much profitable time on their backs, all it took was one meeting with a Aramaic gang leader, and Zap! after the meeting, all they wanted to do afterwards was to wash JC’s feet? Is that really the best use of their talents? Feet washing?

Because nothing in the bible gives you a clue about how JC earned his spending cash, we can speculate about how he solved that problem. Starvation dieting for a month or two in a desert just doesn’t cut it, not when you have an entire gang to support. The rest of his apostles still ate and shacked up during the night, even if Jesus took some time off for a desert vacation.

Considering that his gang was made up of a former tax collector, some out-of work fishermen, and a bunch of filthy, unruly, wine-guzzling, hangers-on, someone had to be bankrolling this operation. Where did JC get the coin to purchase all those fish and bread loaves? How did he pay for that last dinner party? He certainly couldn’t get a loan, not after his scene with the money lenders.

So, where did he get all of his money?

Well, given all of the begetting that was going on, prostitution was and is an easy and popular way to earn some ready cash. Here was a potential gold mine for JC. He certainly had the raw material under his thumb, what with all those hookers in his camp. Nothing in the bible suggests that his whores ever stopped working on their backs. Was JC running his women as a profit center? In other words, was JC a pimp?

There’s nothing wrong with being a pimp. After all, pimps have been around almost as long as the world’s oldest profession. It is just that pimps are in management, not on the street. Heck, most members of the Bush administration are pimps of one sort or another.

Maybe this explains why JC’s gang members were so devoted to him. Running a decent stable would make any guy popular with his friends. Just go to what’s left of the French Quarter for proof. If you run the ‘ho, you run the show, even after a godly hurricane.

Back to what we know so far.

After JC’s earthly birthing gig, and going AWOL for decades, without any warning he reappears, gathers up a gang, holds dinner parties, and finally runs afoul of the authorities as previously planned. Except for the sexiest attraction in his stable, everybody decides to split, mainly because the Roman Centurions were cut from pretty much the same cloth as today’s goons from the Homeland Scrutiny Agency.

Of course, the reasons for his arrest are getting sketchier, what with the Judas Gospel's recent re-appearance.

JC dies, comes back to life and then has the audacity to leave immediately, just as he begins to make an impact on some people. Soon thereafter, his former party pals drop out of the dinner party circuit, and begin to tell tall tales using one of the least developed and least popular contemporary languages, and came up with a whole slew of pretty weird ideas.

What his apostles (through their eventual transcribers, some centuries later) created reads like an evil rulebook for a misogynist, teen-aged, boys-only club, starting with “baby girls bad; baby boys twice as good” in Levit.12:1-8. That same theme appears repeatedly throughout their instruction manual.

In fact, the whole biblical approach to women is pretty damning. According to their bible, it seems as though both god and JC had a major hang up about women. Maybe god was the original mysogenist and JC simply learned his behavior from his daddy. It might help explain why no one bothers to mention JC’s heavenly breeding mommy.

Want more proof about women’s second rate status under this cult’s instruction book? Half the population is damned before they even sin. If you bleed to breed, you are inherently and permanently evil. Levit. 15:19-30.

Actually, even the mere existence of women is an enigma. After Eve, it takes nearly 800 years for the first female primate based breeders to be born (or at least, to be acknowledged). Genesis 5:4. Eight entire centuries without women, baby girls or sex. How did they procreate during that time? Or were they all gay? Who knew that anal sex led to colonic embryos?

It gets worse. The original all male cast of christian biblical authors seemed to be big on stoning, especially if the stones‘ targets were female. Because of their strong family values, these christians stoned women to death so often and for so many reasons. These were so popular that some Muslims decided to adopt the practice later on.

One of the nastiest chapters in the bible has to be Deuteronomy. One set of verses requires a married woman to carry bloodied sheets around with her for life. If she loses them, and if her hubby ever tires of her, he can divorce her simply by claiming that she wasn’t a virgin at the time that they married.

If, after even decades of marriage, she cannot produce those original bloody linens (first historical example of what forensic evidence would be accepted to prove someone‘s virginity), she gets stoned to death. Deut. 22:13-21.

In other verses, you will see that a newly divorced hubby is free to remarry, rape slaves, screw concubines or others whenever he wishes and with whom he pleases. There are only a few important limitations. We’ll see more on that later.

As for the divorced woman, well, you’ll see that she is out of luck. Remarriage is out of the question. Casual sex? Ha. Say that a virgin gets engaged, then "allows“ herself to get raped. If she didn’t scream or fight hard enough, she gets stoned to death. Deut. 22:23-24.

A few Muslim sects in the Sudan loved what they saw and eventually adopted parts of this christian legal system and renamed it the Sharia. They still enjoy employing this fair, even-handed approach, even today.

The Taliban employed this legal approach before our invasion. Since then, the problems in Afghanistan seem to be worsening since the invasion of Iraq, Taliban forces have returned to many parts of Afghanistan and resumed applying the Sharia to that country.

Today, because of the grand success of the Bush Doctrine, teaching Afghani girls to read is punishable by death. Every good Muslim scholar will tell you that JC is actually a Muslim prophet, and that the bible teachings have a lot to do with their own. Just try telling a christian convert that he is worshiping a Muslim prophet, though.

Under some biblical guidelines, raping girls seems to be a blessed act for men of Faith. If a male spots a hot babe, especially from a different sect or tribe, he can take her and use her any which way he wants. When he get bored, he can simply toss her back. Deut. 21:11-14.

So, if you decide to rape someone and want to get away with it, just gag her, and claim that she submitted without much complaint. You get your rocks off, and she gets stoned to death. No problem!

If you want to screw your dead brother’s widow, under certain circumstances you might be blessed, but, you can imagine what would happen to her later on.

Throughout the book, the actual age of your victim does not seem to matter much. This presumes that you are not a sworn-in, lifetime, male, employee of the Catholic, Protestant Evangelical or Baptist churches. In those organizations, apparently, the younger your victim, the more your cult will do to protect you from the authorities.

Just to be clear on the concept, if you suspect that your future spouse is not a virgin, she will be stoned to death. It matters not one bit whether she was or wasn’t raped. In some cases, there might be a weekend stoning even before the two of you were actually betrothed.

On the other hand, if you are male, no problem.

If you really want to learn more about honest, modern, family values, the christian instruction manual is not exactly a good place to start your research. Today’s most serious practitioners rarely follow every word, even when they have the audacity to claim that every word is without error.

Most of them probably never read it cover to cover, much less analyze the true meaning of the verses. That helps explain why so many current christian practices and theories are so offensive to the intellect. It also helps explain why christians are so afraid of modern teaching. Today’s christianity is the last, best, refuge of anti-intellectual scoundrals and hypocrites.

Here are a few more examples. As you consider these, please remember just how far today’s most aggressive bible beaters have strayed from the true words of their bible. By all means, take the time and look up the actual passages. Almost any version will do. They are all supposed to be the same, anyway.

In Leviticus 25:44, it says that males can own both male and female slaves, so long as they come from other countries or competing tribes. From other parts of the bible it is clear that female slaves had only one purpose, at least in their earlier, nubile, years. Sex.

This one statement was the cause of centuries of suffering, untold death, destruction and bloodshed all over the world, all in the name of god. If you were a person of color, with those words, this cult's belief caused the destruction of your family, your freedoms and eventually, your life. But, hey, if you have enough Faith, and believe that holding other humans in bondage is merely god’s will, then there is very little evil that cannot be justified under their good book.

For many decades in early America, killing a slave wasn’t even considered to be a crime. Punishing them when, where and how you saw fit was your religious birthright. You master, he slave. There are many historical examples in which slave-owners successfully claimed that killing off your two-legged property was no worse than slaughtering a lame horse.

Now, back to those harlots, bad girls, evil women, those bleeders, such as your multiple wives, concubines or sex slaves.

Bleeding women tend to wreck havoc with men‘s sex lives. Lev. 15:19-24.

A horny male simply can’t touch them during their periods. Period. Perhaps that is why so many biblical heros had numerous concubines and sexual playmates, not to mention, rape victims, lovers and extra wives.

According to most of their instruction manual, men could pretty much decide with who and when they wanted to sleep. Surprisingly, even men are prohibited from some sex acts. In Leviticus, females learn that sleeping with an in-law could get you burned at the stake.

Still, your own family members still have their uses. If you had too many financial debts and mortal sins to deal with, you could atone for many of your sins by selling your daughter into slavery. Exod. 21: 7. Instead of promoting 'modern' christian family values, the bible suggests the financial value of your christian family.

Even though most of today's christian bigots claim that gays and lesbians commit moral and mortal sins, the bible is surprisingly free of such prohibitions. In fact, several biblical heroes were known for their love of all mankind. Claving and craving one another seemed to work out alright for them.

Their bible also controls your diet. It has all sorts of rules about eating. For example, oysters and mussels are a mortal sin; eating them is worse than having gay sex. Lev. 11: 10.

Unfortunately for the curious student, the bible remains silent about what happens to gays should they happen to swallow lobster or crabmeat before claving each other. Possibly earthquakes, tsunamis or hurricanes.

How food is created is just as important. Just What Would Jesus Do about modern farming technology? Today, these christian Farmer John types had better stop with all of those evil new-fangled farming techniques. Like crop rotation.

Planting of more than one crop in a field is a deadly sin. Lev. 19:19.

Funk, DeKalb, Pioneer and others manufacture and sell genetically modified grains, each of which have so many different charecteristics, that they probably constititue entirely different crops. Does growing different strains of corn, soy and wheat mean that the farmer who dares grow these crops or the people who eat those products are sinning against god? And what about crop rotation and mixing crops to prevent insect and fungal infestation? Or to refresh the field by a judicious use of nitrogen producing plants? Are all modern farming techniques to be barred because of some ancient book? Oh, good. Let's all starve in the name of their god.

How will the American farm industry react when farmers find themselves stoned to death simply because they experiment to decrease their reliance on herbicides and insecticides?

Probably the most interesting requirements center around Leviticus. One chapter makes some strong statements about about hair cuts, of all things. If you trim the hair around your ears, you will die. 19:27.

Appearances can be deadly, not just deceiving.

Talking about appearances, have you ever seen a TV preacher with glasses? It’s not just vanity or contact lenses. It’s the law! Okay, well, it is a lot about vanity and contact lenses. Can’t appear on TV with those lenses flashing those TV lights back at you. It might interfere with fund-raising. Honestly, the christian god hates bad eyesight. According to their book, if you are myopic, you can’t approach god’s altar to have a chat with god or to ask him to let your college football team beat the spread. Lev. 21:20. Perhaps Lasik surgery is a blessed thing. It sure would make for an interesting publicity campaign. "You can’t be saved without great vision. Choose Lasik and rejoice!“

Leviticus creates some serious problems for your average Southern Baptist bible beater. Even though few of them ever try brushing up on their minimal reading skills and even fewer appear to have graduated from high school, college football games have replaced the KKK as a favorite weekend ritual, followed by NASCAR races.

This practice involves complex rituals such as tail-gating, excessive beer intake and painting one’s face and body with a team’s colors and logos. According to federal statistics, wife-beating after a loss seems to play a large role in entertaining that part of the country.

Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to most christian football fans, if you touch the skin of a dead pig, you become totally unclean. Lev. 11: 6-8.

I guess they decided to ignore that one at SMU. Apparently, your true christian believer has the right to choose which parts of his instruction manual are important. Think of President Bush and his treatment of the Constitution. Choosing to ignore some rules makes everything simpler. You just have to believe. You just have to have Faith.

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of Himself thingie when Satan is still here.
If only Himself had been omniscient enough to use Himself's Omnipotence, there would be no whores.
We would all be like JC.
I loved this article.

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Haikukitty's picture

and mess shit up for the world for all time either. God is stronger, and he can totally just wipe out Satan, but instead he decides it might be more fun to let him lead astray millions, bring evil into the world, and damn countless numbers of souls to eternal torment. so, he's going to wait until this whole creation experiment is over before dealing with Satan. Always seemed kind of shitty to me, among many shitty things in Christianity.

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Meteor Man's picture

and B.C. mankind was far more civilized. Peace on Earth was only exceeded by mankind's goodwill towards his fellow man.

Because pagan religious beliefs were so much more rational, don't you know. Unless you distinguish between the Old Covenant and the New Covenant, which changes everything.

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"They'll say we're disturbing the peace, but there is no peace. What really bothers them is that we are disturbing the war." Howard Zinn

PastorAgnostic's picture

However, the most bible beating, fire and brimstone types, the ones with poisonous snakes, those who preach that women are obedient baby factories, etc. clearly exist and have a big presence, at least in our media. Take the Duggars. Please.

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Meteor Man's picture

In the name of the Lord.

I hope you don't have a problem with Bob Marley.

How about the Stoner Jesus Bible Study?

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"They'll say we're disturbing the peace, but there is no peace. What really bothers them is that we are disturbing the war." Howard Zinn

PastorAgnostic's picture

people out of millions in the name of their lard? Pass the Loot? Praise the Lard? Weren't they building some Jeezuz park and condo complex that went BK?

I think all the members would have been healthier, richer, and more at ease with the world if they followed your suggestion.

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Meteor Man's picture

and mail it to my P.O. Box. Sure. People are stupid. Madoff used religious networking.

Look how many people are voting for Hillary and Trump. Political beliefs are as equally faith based as religious beliefs.

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"They'll say we're disturbing the peace, but there is no peace. What really bothers them is that we are disturbing the war." Howard Zinn

riverlover's picture

What kind of sidekick was that? Just to make a triumvirate? Is that some Mason thing? Or was the Holy Spirit about the Great Beyond, the power running the show? Do other monotheist religions invoke anything similar? Never took a comparative belief study class, obviously.

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Hey! my dear friends or soon-to-be's, JtC could use the donations to keep this site functioning for those of us who can still see the life preserver or flotsam in the water.

lotlizard's picture

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PastorAgnostic's picture


The Bible’s verdict

Despite the seemingly clear rules around incestuous relationships – just as popular culture toys with the titillation and taboo of the topic – biblical depiction is ambiguous. Yes, there are the Levitical laws that prohibit sex with a string of family members (one’s sibling, parent, certain in-laws … but not one’s son or daughter!), but then there is also the story of Lot’s daughters in Genesis 19, seducing their father and bearing sons, which offers no (certainly no explicit) reproof. The daughters even draw attention to incest by calling their sons “Moab” (Hebrew for “from the father”) and “Ben-Ammi” (“son of my people”)!

The revered patriarch Abraham mentions rather casually that his wife, Sarah, is also his half-sister. David’s son Amnon becomes obsessed with and rapes his sister Tamar. This event is certainly depicted as villainous and cruel on Amnon’s part but Tamar’s words, as she tries to prevent the rape, suggest sibling marriage is an option.

Close-kin marriages – between fathers and daughters and between siblings – were certainly known in Egypt, right up to and including Cleopatra, who married two of her brothers consecutively.

The Bible, as usual, however, offers no clear advice going forward.

Why is it that conservative christian males want to control what members of the opposite sex can do with their own bodies? What drives them to pull crap like North Carolina? What is the reason for their concerted effort to destroy Planned Parenthood?

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Haikukitty's picture

originally, and was probably the mother in the Trinity, until humans decided that female divnity in any form was pagan and therefore ditched it.

But you have to remember the ultimate absurdity, umm, mystery of the Triune God. So, Jesus existed always, as did the once Mother, now Holy "Ghost" as part and parcel of Big Daddy. They have always been, and they are only one being, but also three.

This supposed ineffable mystery is simply a way to get around having three Gods - which as we all know is Pagan and therefore horrible, so to cheat the system, they squooshed them altogether and pretended they are just ONE God, but still treat them as three.

P.S. You can tell the Holy Spirit was once female by the complete disregard it gets even now.

P.S.S. Yes, as a Pagan, I'm bitter.

P.S.S.S. I tried to find the source where I read about the original texts with the holy spirit as a female noun, but I can't find it. You'll have to take my word for it, or not - but it makes a lot of sense given the wide prevalence of Holy Trinities across many ancient societies as father, mother, son.

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